BLANDMAN VS THE SPACE BABES
As superheroes went, Blandman was, well, bland.
Sure, he could heat water several degrees just through the power of his mind, but with the Sea Serpent and his sidekick Bay Boy behind bars and not likely to see the light of day for a good, long time, that hardly seemed to be all that useful a skill, unless of course, you wanted to make a pot of coffee.
Of course, he could freeze things, but it wasn’t a true freeze and there were other superheroes like the Neutralizer and Stasis Girl who could do it a whole lot better than that because they could actually stop time nut all Blandman could do was just slow it way down, so all in all, things seemed to be pretty dull and boring for Blandman, so dull and boring in fact, that he had to give up his secret hero hideout and move into an apartment on the upper East side.
Keeping a secret hero hide-out up and running costs lots and lots of money. You have to have all kinds of cool stuff there so that when some unsuspecting babe just happens to “accidentally” find her way into your “secret” lair, she will be suitably impressed by how cool you are and of course the less cool you are, the more cool your lair has to be. Some superheroes are so cool that they get away with a gadget-free secret hide-out, but Blandman wasn’t that cool so his lair was filled with lots and lots of blinking lights and junk which really didn’t do anything but which looked totally awesome when everything was blinking and flashing and which of course, generated a not-so-awesome power bill every month.
At first, this had upset Blandman. Why couldn’t he have cool super powers, he thought. Why were his super powers so lame, but in time, and after a not so insubstantial time in therapy, he had come to accept the fact that his powers just weren’t cool and that about the only time he was going to be asked to hang out at the Justice League was if the coffee maker was broken and they needed someone who could heat water.
Blandman had a secret identity but it didn’t really matter. No one much cared who he was so he pretty much could have walked around wearing a t-shirt saying “I’m Blandman” and no one would have taken any notice of him at all.
All of that was about to change.
No one much paid attention to the meteor so since no one was looking at it, no one ever noticed that the meteor was tracking the Earth. No one noticed that the meteor almost seemed to be making minor course corrections along the way. No one even noticed when the meteor entered the Earth’s atmosphere or impacted on the surface.
But when the meteor landed, and when three smoking, hot babes in hot pink climbed out of the crater, people started to notice for two reasons. First, it really wasn’t all that usual to find smoking hot babes in hot pink climbing out of meteor crash sites and second, they were smoking hot babes. Smoking hot babes will always get attention no matter where they are.
The Justice League was called to ascertain the nature of the aliens. Incredi-man said he’d go, because he was feeling kind of horny and because his girlfriend wasn’t putting out but when the space babes tossed the superhero aside like so much wadded up trash, all of the sudden, an all points bulletin went out to all superheroes.
Blandman ignored it. The last thing you needed was too many superheroes around getting in each other’s way. There really is nothing lamer than a superhero standing around doing nothing and as bland as his powers were, Blandman was an expert in lame. No way was he going to go if there really was nothing for him to do. On the other hand, if someone needed to have some coffee brewed, sure, he’d be there.
And besides, the newsies really hated it when there were too many superheroes because they never knew who they should point their cameras at and they really hated it when they missed their shot, so Blandman held back. Let the others do it, he thought.
But as the day wore on, it became clear the Space Babes weren’t going to go down easy. So far, every superhero had gone down hard.
Still, Blandman didn’t go. He figured they’d call him if they needed him, but he figured they wouldn’t call so why go. He’d just be in the way.
The Space Babes had pretty much wiped out the top tier of superheroes and had made a significant dent in the middle level. Now, even supervillains were looking to get into the act, figuring that doing a good deed or two might be a good insurance policy if they ever got caught, (not that they ever expected to get caught,) but they weren’t faring any better than the superheroes. The Space Babes, it seemed, were impervious to everything.
The call came in at 4:15. The first thing Blandman did was go see his boss.
His boss didn’t want to let him off early and nothing Blandman could say would seem to change the man’s mind so Blandman sat in his cubicle, fuming and watching the clock. Now, if only he had a power that would make time go faster, Blandman thought, now that would be useful.
Finally though, it was quitting time. Blandman quickly gathered up his items and went to the Blandmobile which really was an old Chevy Cavalier with a dented fender and he drove to the crash site where he was introduced to the man in charge.
“About time you got here,” said General Morris. “We were about to call Stinky Dude.”
That’s how bad it was, Blandman realized. No one really ever called Stinky Dude because his only superpower was to make things smell really bad. If they were down to him and Stinky Dude, then they really were scraping the bottom of the barrel.
“Do you want a briefing,” the general asked.
“Nope. I’ve been watching the whole thing on CNN. I think I know everything I need to know,” which from Blandman’s way of looking at it was his way of saying, nope, I’m going to go get my ass kicked now and I don’t you to tell me that that’s what’s going to happen.
Blandman went out into the field where the Space Babes were standing. They were busy posing for photographers waiting for the next victim to be tossed their way.
There were three of them, a blond, a brunette and a redhead. “So just what the heck are you supposed to be,” the blond said.
“My name is Blandman.”
The Space Babes smirked a bit at that. “God, they must be down to the bottom of the barrel if they got you out here.”
Blandman might have been more upset at that characterization of him if it weren’t for the fact that he was thinking almost exactly the same thing.
“So what are you going to do,” the blond asked. “Bore us to death?”
That spurred yet another round of snickers.
“I guess I need to tell you to go back to where you came from and if you do, you won’t get hurt.”
More snickers. “And if we don’t what are you going to do to us?”
A very, very good question, Blandman thought.
“How about if we make you a counter offer,” the blond thought. “How about if we come over there and kick your ass just to show the people of this pathetic, little planet just how weak they really are.”
“I, um, I don’t think that’s a good idea,” Blandman said.
“Oh you don’t, huh? Well, guess what. Me and my two friends here, we think it’s a great idea.”
And that’s when the Space Babes advanced on the man and true to their word, they began to kick Blandman’s ass.
They’re really getting off on this, Blandman remembered thinking. They’re getting off on kicking my ass and when they’re done with me, the military will send for Stinky Dude and they’ll probably do the same thing to him.
Aw heck, who am I kidding, the would-be superhero told himself. The call’s probably already gone out. Stinky Dude is probably already on the way.
I shouldn’t have come here, Blandman was thinking. I’m getting my ass kicked by three women, and it’s not just national TV. It’s worldwide. I’m getting my fucking ass kicked.
The blond suddenly froze and then she moaned.
That got the attention of her two compatriots. “Deela,” said the brunette. “Deela, what’s wrong?”
But the blond seemed incapable of speech. She seemed almost to be quivering as she stood there and then she moaned again.
“What’s wrong,” the brunette asked again. “What’s wrong?”
The blond moaned again.
The redhead turned on Blandman who was in a near fetal position on the ground. “What the fuck did you do to her, you miserable, little ... little ... oh ... oh shit.”
The brunette sensed that things were rapidly going from bad to worse. She looked at the rehead. “Marna,” she said. “Marna, what’s wrong?”
The redhead bit her lower lip and she moaned. Her eyes seemed to lose their focus. “Wrong,” she moaned. “Wrong? Nothing’s wrong. I just feel so ... so ... oh shit—”
“What the hell is going on here,” the brunette demanded and then she turned her attention to the man on the ground but before she could say even one word, she knew what the others were feeling, and just like them, she started to moan.
These Space Babes weren’t so tough, Blandman thought. No, not tough at all, and they were beginning to find out that he wasn’t nearly as feckless as they thought he was.
The man stood and looked at the women. The blond had dropped to the ground and was writhing uncontrollably. Her friends hadn’t fallen that far but they looked as if they might drop at any moment.
“So you thought you would sweep me aside like you did the others,” the man said in a voice so low that only he and the Space Babes could hear what he was saying. “Well, it appears you were wrong.”
The redhead let out a strangled cry as she dropped to the ground. The brunette was still standing but only barely and three pairs of eyes now followed Blandman as each of the Space Babes now hung on Blandman’s every word.
“You never bothered to find out what I could do, did you? Did you?”
The brunette finally couldn’t take it anymore. She dropped to the ground beside her friends.
“I actually can’t do all that much,” the superhero said. “More parlor tricks than anything else, but I can heat water and I can freeze things. That’s all.”
The three Space Babes still looked at the man in complete discomprehension.
“You must really get off on beating the crap out of people because I could feel it. I could feel your pussies getting wet. I knew you liked it. I knew you liked beating the shit out of people. All it took was to wait until those pussies got nice and wet and then voila, heat those pussies up even hotter then they’d ever been before and soon, I had you quivering in your cute, little space boots, didn’t I?”
The women didn’t say anything.
“Didn’t I,” the man demanded again and all three women nodded.
“But that’s not all I can do. I can freeze things to so just when you were about to cum, I froze you right where you were, right on the verge of cumming but not quite there. I’d bet you’d do anything now if only I’d let you cum, wouldn’t you?”
Again, the women didn’t say anything.
“Wouldn’t you,” Blandman demanded again and again, all three women nodded.
“So here’s the way it’s going to work. In a moment, I’m going to let you bitches cum and I’m going to let you cum hard, and then you Space Babes are going to cum back to my place and let me fuck you all night long, or I can just leave you where you are like you are now. The authorities will come in and take you away and you won’t get the release you so desperately crave. The choice is yours.”
It wasn’t much of a choice. The Space Babes must have already known the choice was made for them long before it was posed to them but to their credit, they tried not to give in, but one by one, they did and when each of them had acquiesced and then and only then, Blandman released his hold on their pussies.
To the watching world, all they really heard were the screams of the women who were lying on the ground. No one was really quite sure what had happened except that somehow and someway, Blandman had actually prevailed. The onlookers started to cheer even as the women continued to writhe on the ground.
Blandman finally helped the three women up and he escorted them from the field of battle even as the cheers continued to rain down on him. For this day at least, he was hot stuff, and hey, if he could have this kind of an effect on women, maybe it was worth thinking about opening up the Blandman secret hide-out again. There was something about the cache of a secret hideout that would get a woman wet, and once a woman got herself wet, Blandman knew he could make her hot. He could make her really hot.
Maybe he wasn’t so bland after all.