An Evolutionary Housewife
Kate checked her watch. The schoolboard should have announced its decision by now. Local parents and church leaders of the community had been campaigning to teach intelligent design in the classroom, which violated every principle of skepticism and rational inquiry that Kate held dear. Kate had a PHD in evolutionary biology, and she had been a leader and authority for the motion to teach evolution exclusively in the local curriculum. Creationism was not an alternative scientific hypothesis to evolution, and thus it should not have been afforded equal consideration in the first place. That Kate was an outspoken atheist was another cause for her unpopularity in the community.
The schoolboard had put to a final vote whether or not to include creationism in the curriculum. The schoolboard consisted of ten people, and she knew she had four allies among them. A simple majority would dictate the decision, so her hope hinged on only two votes. Kate checked her watch again. The deliberation should have been reached an hour ago. She began pacing in her apartment, which was filled with books and instruments pertaining to the research she was conducting on speciation. As she pondered over the tardiness of the announcement, her door knocked.
Kate opened the door to see Pastor Ted, the leader of the opposition to ban the teaching of evolution in the school district. He was of old conservative stock, a dull wasp truly antithetical to science and progress. His sermons were long-winded and never seemed to mention the fact that he had taken bribes from town officials to organize covert political espionage and blackmail. He was the embodiment of everything she, a rationalist committed to truth, hated. Not to mention his blatantly misogynistic and homophobic views, which he took no efforts to conceal.
Kate was taken aback by his presence.
“Have you come to tell me about the decision?” She asked coldly, making sure to keep the door partially closed between them.
“Yes, but I would prefer if you let me in.”
“You’re fine where you’re standing.”
“Actually, you would much like to invite me in for a coffee.”
Kate began to utter a protest, but astonishingly, she found herself opening the door to let him in. Pastor Ted thanked her and entered her apartment.
“I’ve never seen so many books in one apartment,” Pastor Ted remarked, visibly amused by her overflowing bookshelves.
Kate was now red with anger. Every impulse of her being wanted to kick him out of her home. Yet, try as she might, she was unable to speak. It reminded her of a nightmare in which her face is frozen and her tongue flops about helplessly to make a noise.
“You will prepare me a cup of coffee. If you do not mind, I will situate in your living room.” Pastor Ted drawled.
Kate helplessly went to the kitchen and turned on her French press. She was aware of the absurdity of the situation, and a voice of alarm told her that something was deeply wrong. Yet her body had a will of its own, and as if on auto-pilot, began preparing him a cup of coffee. She put it on a saucer and took it to the living room, where Pastor Ted was on the couch flipping through one of her technical journals.
“This is sophisticated content, but it’s the work of the devil. All these fancy words and figures, all these equations and models; they amount to nothing more than a grand Satanic deception orchestrated by forces of evil.”
Kate would have liked to scream and shout, but her face remained frozen, a mute mask of indignation. She handed him his cup and stood, waiting for his command.
“You may sit,” Ted announced magisterially.
Kate sat opposite him and stared at his bloated, smug face. Ted sipped his coffee and exclaimed a sound of satisfaction. He then put down her technical journal and produced a small vile of powder from his pocket. Whistling to himself, he poured its contents into his coffee.
“You will drink this,” Pastor Ted ordered.
Unable to resist, Kate took the cup from his hands and gulped the warm liquid, which had a metallic and enigmatic flavor. She put the empty cup on the coffee table and leaned back into her chair, feeling an immense wave of warmness and euphoria wash over her.
“You’re feeling nice and happy now,” the Pastor cooed. “All your thoughts and anxieties are gone. They have been replaced by a sweet bliss, golden and silent. Feel it wash over you. Let it drown your thoughts and fill your mind with peace.”
“Mmmmmm” Kate sighed contentedly.
“Focus on my voice. It is the sound of absolute truth. You have dedicated your life to the pursuit of knowledge, but it has all been for nothing. You know, deep in the bottom of your heart, that science is a deception. The only source of truth in this world is that of Jesus, our Lord and Savior. You have lived a life of sin. You must repent.”
“Repent,” Kate gurgled.
“In order to repent, you must renounce your former life. Your career as a scientist, and your life as an atheist, have deeply hurt Jesus, who bears you infinite love. You feel his love, don’t you? You feel his love caressing your soul and breathing goodness into your heart.”
“Yes,” Kate moaned, “I feel his love.”
“You feel his love animating your soul, raising it from the ashes of atheism in which it once dwelled. It is free now, as free as the Phoenix and as pure as an everlasting autumn.”
Tears of joy ran down Kate’s face.
“You will renounce your former life in order to maintain the purity of your soul. That is the most important thing in your life now. You must serve Jesus with every fiber of your being, without question and with complete obedience. In order to accomplish this, you must transform into the perfect image of a Christian woman. Only then will you have repented for your grievous sins.”
“Transform. Christian woman.” Kate intoned.
“The perfect Christian woman is, first and foremost, an obedient wife to her husband. She is her husband’s property, and through serving her husband she is serving God. Her husband is her master, given dominion over her by the sacred texts of the Bible. She accepts his every word without question. She is to obey his every whim and submit to him in all things. This is most important. She is not to think for herself. She is too stupid and weak to think without the assistance of her husband. Opinions and ideas, thought and inquiry, it is all too difficult for her inferior brain to comprehend. She knows only that she must please her husband, and must accept whatever he tells her as the absolute truth. To question him is to question God, which is a sin punishable by eternal hell fire. Besides, why would she ever want to question her husband? He is the wisest and most just of men. Everything he says is as true as the word of God.”
“Wisest. Most just.” Kate repeated.
“She must do everything her husband says. It is her role to be completely obedient. She is to never wear pants. Pants are for men, who are the ones to work. Women are never to have a career. That would be un-Christian. The perfect Christian woman does not work. Even if she wanted to, which she doesn’t, she would not have the intelligence or skills to do so. Thus, she is to be a housewife.”
“Housewife.”
“A perfect Christian woman is in essence a perfect housewife. A perfect housewife always wears frivolous dresses and high heels to please her husband. She does her hair and makeup to the specifications of her husband. She does not read, except for fashion magazines and the Bible. She hates science, progress, secularism, and liberals. They are all foot-spawn of Satan, and her husband, to whom she is in adoration, is the noble upholder of true Christian values. He is a Republican, as all true Christians are, and she is to be devoted to the ideas and principles of the Tea party. The Tea Party is so wise, so in touch with the will of God, that to oppose it would to be oppose the will of God himself.”
Pastor Ted waved his hand over Kate’s face, but she was too far gone to react.
“You now know the values and duties of a perfect Christian woman. Your past life, as Kate Griffin the atheistic scientist, is forgotten. You are now christened the name Bunny, a name in honor of perpetual, eternal obedience.”
Earl stoked the coals of his barbeque. He had royal sausages cooking, hamburger patties and red-eye steak. The backyard wedding reception, officiated by Pastor Ted, had been a smashing success. This was just two weeks after the local schoolboard had announced the decision to teach creationism in the classroom. Kate Griffin, who was the most vocal opponent of creationism in the community, had up and disappeared after the announcement was made. People assumed she had left the town in disgust, but no one had been able to track her whereabouts. Earl was glad the liberal bitch had left. For all he cared, she could teach her evolution to a gravestone. But that didn’t matter because he had found Bunny, the woman he was to marry, who knew the true place of women and wasn’t at all like that uppity, science bitch Kate who assumed she was smarter than everyone because she had a fancy college degree. Earl, a truck driver and member of the tea party, hated intellectual liberals more than he hated the rival of his college football team. But that didn’t matter now. He was celebrating today.
He turned over the burnt side of the sausages and looked at his soon-to-be wife. Unlike that flat bitch Kate, Bunny had melons the size of volleyballs. They were on prominent display through a flowery pink sun-dress, which was short enough to reveal her lace pink thong. Her hair, glittery and perfumed, had been done up to look like Pamela Anderson. Unlike any bitch he had ever met, Bunny dressed exactly as he told her to. She was in pink platform heels, and had done her face up to look like a living sex doll. Thick pink lip gloss, dark mascara, foundation and blush and every other cosmetic that Walmart would sell. Cheap sparkling ear-rings dangled from her ears and jiggled along with her monstrous tits and bubble butt whenever she wiggled her hips. Her nails were long, as he liked, and painted an acrylic pink pattern of hearts and lipstick kisses. Finally, a crucifix hung over her cleavage, but he wouldn’t be looking at that. Bunny, who had a big grin on her face, was talking with Pastor Ted. She noticed Earl, blew Pastor Ted a kiss, and then minced over to the barbeque in her heels.
“Hi honey!” She said in her sweet, high-pitched voice.
“What were you talking to the Pastor about?”
“He was telling me about how great it is that God’s word of creation is taught in the classroom! Isn’t it great, sweety? That sinful evolution is where it belongs, in hell! I’m going to have a bake-sale for Pastor Ted’s congregation! He’s so smart!
“I guess so,” Earl said jealously. Then, remembering his private conversation with the Pastor, “But you think I’m smarter.”
“Well of course, silly! You’re the smartest man I’ve ever known! Why do you think I married you?”
Earl grinned and slapped Bunny’s ass, eliciting an appreciative giggle.
“Can you believe these fucking liberals?” He complained. “They want to get rid of the coal industry! They say it causes global warming. I say round em’ up and send em’ to China, see how they like it then!”
Bunny chewed her lip and gazed at her husband in admiration of his wisdom.
“We’re going to a Tea Party rally next week,” Earl continued, “I want you all dolled up. Ted Cruz is going to be giving a speech.”
Bunny put her hand on her bosom and gasped. “Oh, Earl! I love Teddy! He’s so cute! He speaks to Christ and represents us true Christians!”
“But I’m cuter,” Earl said with childish jealousy.
“Oh, honey! You just melt my heart! You’re the strongest and most beautiful man!”
They embraced in a deep, long, tongue-dancing kiss. Bunny loved the taste of beer and hot dogs in her hubby’s mouth. It was so romantic.