An Excellent Subject
by xesulliv
Part IV: Trust, Completely
The next Thursday session I had with Brian was one of the best therapy sessions in my life. I told him how I had been thinking of him all week—and how I had been going to the gym all week.
Brian was so pleased and I was pleased because my therapist was so proud of me.
My heart swelled. I felt so much respect for the man on the couch beside me, touching my boner. The emotions I felt were hard to explain… what I felt, was it close to love?
“How’s your job going?”
Brian is so concerned for me; he’s the best.
“Great,” I said. “Everything is great. The gym is great. The personal trainer you recommended is great. Damn, Bradley is such a great guy. So fit and handsome.” I felt like I could talk about Bradley all day!
“Yes, he is a great guy. Bradley and I have known each other for a few years now. He was a former client of mine as well.”
“Wow,” I said, surprised. “Just like Philip.”
“Just like Philip… and just like you.”
Something seemed off in the way he said that. I was still Brian’s client, not his friend. He wasn’t going to offer me a job as a secretary—I had a job. He wasn’t going to come to my office like he went to Bradley’s work… Brian didn’t have a pet, so why would he need a vet?
I came for Thursday sessions every week—I wasn’t his friend, I was his client.
Brian could be so silly sometimes, but he was so distinguished and so respected that I didn’t feel the need to call him out for overstepping the boundaries. I was probably misunderstanding something and I didn’t want to look stupid. I was nearly one hundred percent sure that Brian was acting completely above board.
“Is there anything that has been upsetting you over the past few weeks?” Brian asked calmly.
I adjusted in my seat, but not enough to move his hand completely from my inner thigh. I gave his cock a squeeze to show him how thankful I was that he was so concerned for me. Then I went back to my regular massage of his thighs and chest.
“You know, now that you mention it, I am still feeling that tingling anxiety. I thought you would have helped me with that by now. But it seems that the more I listen to your tapes, the more tense I get after they finish.”
“I thought we had corrected that. I thought we had a Breakthrough.”
I shivered. “Yes,” I agreed. “We did have a breakthrough.” My stomach turned after saying that word—I felt so sick, like I was going to throw up in front of Brian, but I couldn’t do that! Not in front of Brian! “I have to go to the bathroom,” I said suddenly. I stood; his hands fell out of my lap. I hoped Brian’s cock would stay hard until I got back.
Brian sounded so fatherly. Sit down, he commanded. He told me to relax calmly beside him on the couch—and I did. He laid a hand on my thigh. I loved how he had gotten away from sitting in the chair across from me and always sat next to me on the couch. It was so intimate.
“What’s the matter?” he whispered. My cock was eager for his attention.
“I don’t know. Something feels so wrong inside. Like I’m going to be sick.”
“You can tell me anything,” Brian said.
“I don’t know. I’m worried that I’ll grow old and be alone forever.” God, I sounded like such a dolt!
“Don’t be so daft,” Brian said with a laugh. “You’re a handsome man with a good job and a great personality. You could find anyone you wanted.”
“Then why am I having such bad luck?” I sounded so miserable. This was why Brian’s tapes made me so anxious… they helped me realize that I needed to be in a committed partnership… but none of the girls were interested in that!
“You know what they say: the more handsome you are, the harder it can be. People are only after you because of your looks and not because of your brains. And then, in return, you get so picky about your mates.”
“Don’t I know it!” I said fervently. “All these bimbos I get hooked up with… shit, I pleasure them a couple times and then never hear from them again. Am I really that stupid?” I asked nervously.
I didn’t want Brian to answer that question.
“You’re not stupid to me,” Brian assured me.
I smiled at him. He smiled at me and firmly gripped my throbbing cock. I really needed to get out of these pants… I really needed a release so Brian could take me deeper into a hypnotic trance.
“I really thought the tapes would have helped you by now.” He touched my chin with his other hand. “What if we brought in Philip to see how well you are adjusting? You’re going through a transition in your heart that might not be in line with your head quite yet. But I think deep down you’ll know what is right. You are such an Excellent Subject.”
Those words… it was like a gong had sounded in my head and my thoughts stopped.
“I am an Excellent Subject,” I agreed.
Brian brought Philip into the room. I was so jealous of the young man. I had tried to style my hair a little differently that morning, but it didn’t work. I would never look as handsome as Philip. His shirt fit perfectly across his chest and was a plain, starched white. The shirt Brian had given me was a step up in quality from what I usually wore, but it wasn’t the same perfect fit. And my pants… I couldn’t even look at my horrible pants! How did I think I could wear them in Brian’s presence? They were old and ragged compared to the perfectly soft and elegant black pants that Philip wore.
The young man’s outfit entirely complimented his dark, Mediterranean features. I knew that Brian loved dark hair and green eyes. Maybe I should dye my hair black? Perhaps Brian would like me more…
“What do you see?” Brian asked. I must have been staring at the young man for a long time.
“I see Philip,” I said grumpily.
“Let’s get to the bottom of this. Explain to me what’s so attractive about Philip?”
“I don’t find him attractive,” I denied. My anger rose to the surface.
“This is the source of your anger and you’re disillusionment with women.” As Brian explained what was blocking me… he casually stroked along my spine. He helped me enter a calm place where I was in complete control and I could discuss my feelings without embarrassment. “Focus on where your anger is coming from. Why are you so upset?” Brian guided me through the questions.
“Philip is better than me,” I admitted. “I feel as though everyone is better than me—that I’m not worthy of your attention.”
“You can always make improvements,” Brian said. “What can anyone do but slowly make improvements?”
“Yes, but I want to be perfect.” I felt like a whiny baby.
“Tell me what is so perfect about Philip.”
“He has such a great body,” I said immediately.
“You do too,” Brian complimented. “And soon your physique will be even better. You know I prefer a huskier man, anyway. And I need someone a little closer to my age.”
“You keep saying that, but Phillip is so youthful. And youth is beauty.”
“That is true, but have you looked in the mirror lately? You are young. Your jawline is divine—so broad. And your eyes are absolutely perfect. You have the perfect eyelids and eyelashes and your irises are the perfect blue-green color. Your hair is dark chocolate… I would prefer it to be dark black like Philip’s, but you do not need to compare yourself and come up lacking to this young man.”
Brian touched Philip’s chest and gently stroked downwards until he found the young man’s crotch. “And if we’re being honest, Philip could learn a thing or two from you. The way you use your boner, for example.”
I laughed. The tension eased from my body. “I still can’t believe you call it a boner,” I said.
“If it makes you comfortable, that’s all I want to do. I’m here as your guide. I’m here as your trusted voice.”
“I trust you completely,” I intoned.
“I know,” Brian said. “Why don’t you stand up and finish unwrapping Philip for me. Show that you are not intimidated by him. You must conquer this fear. Remember, you are both the same height. He’s thinner and younger, but you have other qualities that he does not. Consider yourself an equal. I want you to consider yourself an equal to me, as well.”
I looked aghast at Brian. “An equal to you?”
Brian laughed. “Someday soon you will feel as though you are my equal. That is what I want for all my boys.”
“What do you mean ‘your boys’?” I asked sharply. I wasn’t his boy… and Philip shouldn’t be ‘his’ boy, either.
Brian said something that made me feel dizzy. Our conversation flowed away from whatever I had just asked and my question didn’t seem important anymore. I felt pleasantly calm and open. I realized that anything discomforting was not important. The only important thing was listening to Brian. And Brian wanted me to stand before Philip and undo the buttons on the younger man’s crisp white shirt.
“Seven, you’re opening the top button.
“Six, your fingers fumble over the second button.
“Five, you’re opening the third button and becoming more at ease with seeing Philip’s body.”
“I enjoy Philip’s body.” My cock was thick and rigid in my pants… somehow this activity felt vaguely familiar.
“Four, the fourth button. You’re beginning to remember what it was like a week ago. Those memories that we buried are coming to the surface and you find them to be very satisfying, like they scratch an itch you forgot you had… and only my voice can help you scratch it.
“Three, those pleasant memories are in the forefront of your mind.
“Two… you are now remembering what it was like to have Philip on his back looking up at you with adoration. There’s only one button left now. You know what it is like to prove yourself to Philip.
“One, the shirt is open. You are completely at ease with Phillip. You touch his muscles. You stroke his chest. You tell him he’s beautiful.”
“You are—” I stuttered.
Brian gently coaxed me further. “You tell him he is beautiful. He is a handsome young man, tell him how you feel about him.”
“You are—” I stopped again. I stared a Philip’s perfect body underneath me... looked through half-lidded eyes. The words wouldn’t form on my tongue. “Are you gay?” I asked slowly, my mind fuzzy, but curious.
“Me too,” Philip said sedately. “I’m happy that we are both gay.”
“I’m not gay!” I yelled, my words a garbled mess. I twisted my head and felt like I was swimming against a powerful current. “I ain’t no fag! What the fuck is going on here!” I pushed Philip away, then looked at Brian. I saw his erection and became physically ill. I looked at my own half-unbuttoned shirt—the tight shirt that Brian had given me last week.
“I trusted you, Brian! I don’t understand! I don’t understand at all!”
I ran for the door.
I noticed that Brian smoothly rose to his feet. He looked so commanding and his voice was no longer warm and accepting, but terrible and cold.
“Dr. Ives,” he said with a deep rumble. His voice commanded me to slow down. I felt as though I were entering a haze.
“Dr. Matthew Ives.”
Each word he uttered made me fall more and more under his spell. I flinched, but I could not fight the feeling of trust and euphoria that washed over me.
“Matthew Reginald Ives.”
His voice echoed through my brain like how a grandfather clock dings and dongs and dings and dongs. Matthew… Reginald… Ives… Dr… Ives…
Brian was beside me.
“We’ve come a long way,” Brian reminded me gently. “But this step only highlights that we have so much farther to go.”
Brian escorted me back to the office couch. I was in a familiar safe space listening to the tick tick tick of the clock. I let the traffic sounds in the background fade from my awareness. I looked at Philip. He was such a handsome man. I knew that it was perfectly natural to look at attractive and handsome young men.
I looked at Brian. I respected him so much. I felt somewhat ashamed that I had not yet lived up to his standards.
“That’s alright,” he said soothingly. “Soon. You will get there. Soon we will have a true Breakthrough.”
I shivered. “A Breakthrough,” I intoned.
“And we when we are done, you’ll be perfectly at ease with any situation I put you in. You trust me completely.”
I didn’t repeat that thought as it bounced through my head… I didn’t trust him. Something wasn’t right.
“Matthew… Dr. Matthew Ives. Matthew Reginald Ives… It is so easy to let your worries fall aside. Listen to my voice. I am speaking to your subconscious. Let your conscious mind relax.” His voice was everywhere, and warm, and so nice. “Do you trust me?”
“Yes,” I said slowly. I did trust him.
“Do you trust me completely?
I kept my mouth firmly shut.
“I’m going to count you back from ten. I want everything you’re uncomfortable with to fade… fade into a fuzzy memory. You will feel as though you are in a strange dream. Everything that is worrying you… you know you can talk to me about anything. You know that you can trust me completely.”
“I can trust you—” my voice faltered.
“You are such an Excellent Subject,” he said.
My head dropped. My eyes were shut. Only his voice mattered. His voice brought me up, then settled me back down—up and then down.
“You trust me completely,” Brian said. “Only my voice can bring you such peace and such calm. Such happiness.”
“Only your voice,” I agreed. Such calm. Such happiness…
“I’m going to count you back now.
“Ten, it feels as though your mind is falling backwards, but your body stays perfectly erect.
“Nine, you’re becoming calmer and accepting of being in this office, and being naked.
“Eight, you realize that my voice is everywhere.
“Seven, you know that you are firmly in control, but you let me guide your actions. You give your good friend, Brian, power.
“Six, your love for me knows no bounds and you know that I have your best intentions at heart…”
Brian stated muddier words and I agreed with them all. He spoke to me for perhaps ten seconds or a minute or an hour… it was impossible to tell.
Then he asked me a question. It felt like an important question and I knew that my conscious mind needed to stay engaged momentarily. I needed to remember this stunningly important question.
“I trust you completely,” I answered to Brian’s fuzzy question.
“I trust you completely,” I said again.
“I trust you completely,” I intoned.
My conscious mind faded after that. All my unsettling thoughts turned into a hazy dream. There was one feeling that I knew to be true and it was that Brian was proud of me again and happy to hear my responses. I was calm and happy.
“I trust you completely,” I said again, unprompted. It felt so good to say. I needed to repeat it to myself again and again.
“I trust you completely…”