It Would Behoove You to Believe Me

mc/mf/ff/gr/la

A short play about mind control and other things.

Commissioned by Mike Lee

Comments welcome at cnopants@gmail.com

Characters

DR. VENESE CHIN: The head researcher and the one who likes to be in charge of everything in the ward.
JOANNE LEE, NURSE: The head nurse. The one who is really in charge of everything in the ward.
ASHLYNN CHAN, NURSE: The youngest member of the staff, Ashlynn is doing her best to impress those she works with.
FRANK JONES, ORDERLY: The chief orderly. Frank is a jovial man who loves to talk.
TOMMY TURKISH, ORDERLY: Frank’s friend. A man of few words.
MAN: Dressed in cowboy pajamas, this unknown was checked in for claiming he was a mind controller.

Story: A man wakes up in a nuthouse. Unable to talk his way out of it, he is forced to be more persuasive.

Setting: The psychiatric ward of a hospital.

Stage Right—Office with large open desk.

Center Stage—Hallway between office and padded room. There is a clock in the hallway facing the office, it currently reads 11:00 AM. There is a door at the end of the hallway leading to an exit upstage.

Stage Left—Padded room.

Act I

Scene i

A man wearing western style pajamas begins to stir in a small room. He awakes with a start in unfamiliar surroundings. He is on the floor in a room with no furniture. The floor is carpeted, but heavily cushioned. The powder blue walls are padded. There is the outline of a door, with an enforced window at eye level. But there is no handle on his side.

MAN “Hello?” (waits for reply. When there is none he continues.): “I don’t know who you are, but you have one hour before you are going to regret doing this!”

After a quick survey of himself and the room, the man sits down crosslegged. He faces the entrance of the room, focusing his gaze on the small window.

Two ORDERLIES walk in from stage right. One glances through the window to see the room occupied.

FRANK JONES: “You hear about this guy? Brought him in last night—drunk or high on something. Wasn’t really causing too much of a disturbance, they found him in his pajamas even, no ID. Brought him in because he kept talking about how he could control people’s minds and turn them into cows. Said he’d turn the whole room into his cattle yard.”

TOMMY TURKISH: (single chuckle) “Yeah.”

FRANK: “But I guess it’s been a while since we’ve had one of those guys who thinks he’s Jesus. Oh man! I miss the Y2K days! Streets were full of ‘em!”

TOMMY: “Yeah.”

FRANK: “A lot nicer than dealing with meth addicts, though. Right? Those biters are the worst! But at least I don’t mind roughing them up a little bit, you know?”

TOMMY: “Yeah.”

FRANK: “Should liven up the place though, we’ve got nothing but anorexics in the ward right now. They could use a little ‘beefing up’”

TOMMY: “Yeah.”

FRANK: “Well, since it’s quiet and he’s awake, we might as well let the Doc know. She might even have fun with this one.”

TOMMY: “Yeah.”

The ORDERLIES exit upstage. Soon after FRANK JONES comes back with DR. VENESE CHIN. Of southeast asian descent, her good looks are masked by a white lab coat and heavy framed glasses. Her long hair tied up in a tight bun. Her walk is stiff as she comes down the hallway. She carries a clipboard and takes the occasional note as she talks with the orderly and her newest patient.

DR. CHIN: “Did the patient look nauseated or disoriented Mr. Jones?”

FRANK: “No, Doc. Actually that made him stand out this morning as I was walking by with Tommy. Usually when folks are brought in—especially the ones without ID—they kick up a fuss screaming or running around. This guy has barely made a peep. He’s just sitting there looking at the window out of the room.”

DR. CHIN: “Has the bloodwork comeback yet?”

FRANK: “Not yet. Ashlynn is still working on. Expecting anything surprising?”

DR. CHIN “After this make sure to tell me as soon as Miss Chan finishes with the tests. Thank you Mr. Jones.” (knocking on the glass): “Good morning, do you know where you are?”

MAN: (not rising to answer) “A padded room.”

DR. CHIN: (to FRANK) “Cheeky.”

DR. CHIN: (to MAN) “I’m going to open the door so we can better talk. Is that alright?”

MAN: “By all means.”

FRANK opens the door stepping into the room before DR. CHIN. Wary of MAN, his job is to protect DR. CHIN in case of trouble. Door is left open.

DR. CHIN: “I am Dr. Chin and this is one of my orderlies, Mr. Jones.”

There is a pause. MAN not taking the conversational bait.

DR. CHIN: “Do you know who you are?”

MAN: “Yes.”

DR. CHIN: “Who are you?”

MAN: (quoting) “‘Who in the world am I? Ah, that’s the great puzzle.’ (pause) You should let me go.”

DR. CHIN: “And why is that?”

MAN: “I need to be somewhere?”

DR. CHIN: “And where is that?”

MAN: “Somewhere other than here.”

DR. CHIN: (irritated) “Being snarky will get you nowhere.”

MAN: “Tell that to Lewis Carrol.”

DR. CHIN: “Who?”

MAN: (doing a quick glance around the room then smiles devilishly) “This likely being a psych ward, now wouldn’t be the time to tell you about Boojums. But with a ‘Dr.’ before your name it is a tad disappointing that I should have to tell you... that would indicate there being an absence of a ‘PhD’ after it.”

DR. CHIN: (more irritated) “Do you have a doctorate then?”

MAN: “I have no need to adorn myself with titles. I am a student of the world, there is no graduation ceremony for those of my class.”

DR. CHIN: “And what class is that?”

MAN: (disappointed) “Apparently a very small one... Again I say that you should let me go.”

DR. CHIN: “That’s not going to happen until you tell me where you need to be and why.”

MAN: “I have things that I need to attend to. Things which, at present, I don’t think you would comprehend. You’ve made a mistake. Let me go.”

DR. CHIN: “Would you be surprised if that wasn’t the first time we’ve heard that?”

MAN: “That would all depend on how often the statement was true.”

DR. CHIN: “Perhaps. But if it turns out a mistake has been made in your admittance, you’ll be set free.”

MAN: (laughing) “That’s some door prize for wrongful imprisonment.”

DR. CHIN: (correcting MAN) “Detainment. You’re being temporarily held to ensure that you are not a danger to the public or yourself.”

MAN: “Argue semantics all you want. You’ve made a mistake. I’m no threat to myself. And, certainly, I’m no more a threat to the public than they are to themselves. So why don’t you ‘set me free’ now and you can get along helping the people who might actually need.”

DR. CHIN: “You don’t think you need help.”

MAN: (glaring) “My you are irritating. No wonder you have a guard. No. I don’t need your help. (seriously) Dr. Chin, if I wanted to I could get up and walk out of this room and take back my freedom.”

DR. CHIN: “Why haven’t you then? You keep asking me to let you go.”

MAN: (sighing, then quoting) “‘One of the deep secrets of life is that all that is really worth the doing is what we do for others’”

DR. CHIN: “I should do it as a favor to you?”

MAN: “You should do it as a favor to yourself.”

DR. CHIN: “And why is that?”

MAN: (leaning in) “Free will is one of the few things on this earth that is truly yours. And if this keeps up you shan’t have it for long.”

DR. CHIN: “Is that so?”

MAN: “It wouldn’t be worth saying if it wasn’t.”

DR. CHIN: “So why haven’t you done anything yet?”

MAN: “I like to let people have their free will. I don’t take it from them without good cause. And if I do have cause, I like to give them time to undo their wrongs… (after a pause MAN shrugs) And I’m lazy. It takes a lot of effort to control peoples minds.”

DR. CHIN: “You can control minds?”

MAN: (annoyed) “Must you question everything I tell you? What is the point of asking a question if you aren’t going to believe the answer? I can do much worse than just control minds, Dr. Chin.”

DR. CHIN: “So if you can control minds why haven’t you taken over mine?”

MAN: “I believe I answered that question before you asked it. I’m giving you time to change your mind, on your own, and let me go.”

DR. CHIN: “I see. So, if I wasn’t to let you go, how long would it be before you changed my mind.”

MAN: “I gave you an hour.”

DR. CHIN: “Gave?”

MAN: “When I woke up. Someone should have heard me, or you must have recorded it or something. Surely even in a two bit facility you wouldn’t have left an unknown man untended.”

DR. CHIN: (to FRANK) “That is what you heard, wasn’t it Frank?”

FRANK: “Yep.”

DR. CHIN: (checking her watch) “So it seems we have half an hour.”

MAN: “That is precisely correct.”

DR. CHIN: “Well, that’s all I need for now. We need to check on your bloodwork, to see what is in your system.” (MAN offers his arm to draw blood from) ”No need—the sample was taken when you came in.”

MAN: “You will find ambien. Or whatever it’s chemical trail is. Given I am still in my pajamas, you likely picked me up while I was sleepwalking. If you let me go, I’ll be more careful to trust the warning label next time.”

DR. CHIN: “I’ll let you know… in thirty five minutes.”

MAN: (glaring) “I’ve given you enough fair warning, Dr. Chin. It would behoove you to believe me.”

DR. CHIN: “We’ll see about that won’t we?”

DR. CHIN and FRANK JONES leave the room. Frank closes the door then begins to laugh.

FRANK: “That was a little cruel wasn’t it, Doc? Calling his bluff”

DR. CHIN: “That man is a nutter. It seems like the only person who doesn’t realize that is him. Thank you Mr. Jones.”

Scene ii

FRANK JONES exits upstage flirtily nodding to the young nurses ASHLYNN CHAN and JOANNE LEE who are walking to DR. CHIN with the MAN’s blood results. The clock reads 11:40.

ASHLYNN: “Dr. Chin, the only thing in his system was Zolpidem.”

DR. CHIN: “Ambien?”

ASHLYNN: “Yes, Dr. Chin, that’s one of the marketed names for it. He must have taken a lot of it fairly recently, it only has a halflife of a few hours.”

JOANNE: “But that would explain the delusions he was having last night. One of the side effects of Zolpidem is hallucinations. He was probably just sleepwalking and ended up having a bad trip.”

DR. CHIN: “That was what the patient claimed.”

JOANNE: “If that’s the case we should let him go.”

DR. CHIN: (curtly) “That is not your call to make Nurse Lee. (to ASHLYNN) A short half life you say? So it should be flushed from his system?”

ASHLYNN: “Well, Dr. Chin, as flushed as any sort of recent drug usage. There were still trace amounts enough for us to detect, but what’s left in his system should no longer be affecting him.”

DR. CHIN: “I just spoke with the patient. With only trace amounts of drug in him he’s crazier than a shithouse rat. We’ve got him trapped, and it’s our duty now that we have him not to let vermin like that into the general populous.”

JOANNE: “As old as he is if he were that nutty, wouldn’t we of at least seen or heard of him before?”

DR. CHIN: “Lunatics aren’t always so clearly seen. They may freely roam the streets so long as they aren’t a danger to society.”

JOANNE: “You think ‘cowboy’ in there is a threat to society?”

DR. CHIN: “Yes. We’ll keep him on watch for a few days at minimum. If there is the remote chance that trace amounts of a sleep aid make him looney, we’ll let him go. As it stands, he is a legitimate nutter.”

JOANNE: “You are so certain after such a brief chat.”

DR. CHIN: “He didn’t even question why he was here. Any sane person would wonder why they were in a psych ward.”

JOANNE: “So he knew why he was here?”

DR. CHIN: “Yes.”

JOANNE: “Then he’s saner than most who’ve ended up in that room.”

DR. CHIN: “I’ll have you not question my conclusions, Nurse Lee.”

ASHLYNN: “I believe you Dr. Chin.”

JOANNE: “Ashlynn, don’t be such a suckup. You won’t be a good nurse if you blindly trust everything the doctors say.”

ASHLYNN: “Sorry, Nurse Lee.”

JOANNE: “That doesn’t mean suck up to me.”

ASHLYNN: “Yes… No… Okay Nurse Lee.”

DR. CHIN: (scowling) “It’s getting close to noon, round up the anorexics and see if we can get any to eat without tubes today.”

ASHLYNN: “Yes, Dr. Chin.”

JOANNE and ASHLYNN exit upstage. The clock reads 11:45. MAN stands up, puts a hand to his head, and faces through wall to upstage exit door. DR. CHIN goes to stage right into the office to compile her notes on the desk. After nearly a minute of focus MAN sits down and a commotion can be heard from upstage exit.

ASHLYNN enters runs from upstage to DR. CHIN in the office.

ASHLYNN: “Dr. Chin, the patients… they’re all hungry!”

DR. CHIN: (smiling) “That’s good, how many will need to be force fed today?”

ASHLYNN: “None, Dr. Chin! They are all eating!”

DR. CHIN: “All of them?”

ASHLYNN: “Yes, Dr. Chin! The women and the men, all of them! Frank and Tommy almost had to break up a fight when the food came out!”

DR. CHIN: “Really? Any idea what’s gotten into them?”

ASHLYNN: “None, Dr. Chin. In fact, they’re already asking for seconds!”

DR. CHIN: “Seconds? Curiouser and curiouser. Does the cafeteria have extra?”

ASHLYNN: “I don’t know, Dr. Chin.”

DR. CHIN: “Find out! If they do set up an afternoon meal time. Not too much, though, we don’t want to overstretch their stomachs.”

ASHLYNN: “Yes, Dr. Chin.”

scene iii

ASHLYNN exits upstage. DR. CHIN attempts to file a few more notes before curiosity gets the better of her and she moves to the upstage door. DR. CHIN stops as soon as she sees JOANNE enter from upstage.

JOANNE: “Dr. Chin, the anorexics ate everything, nothing but empty plates and they’re still hungry.”

DR. CHIN: “That’s never happened!”

JOANNE: “They’re asking for milk.”

DR. CHIN: “That shouldn’t be too much of a problem so long as it’s skim milk. See if you can help Nurse Chan in arranging an afternoon meal for them”

JOANNE: “Yes Doctor.”

JOANNE exits upstage. DR. CHIN follows to look after her through the window.

DR. CHIN: (to herself) “Extraordinary.”

DR. CHIN begins to walk back to her office but is interrupted by a stray thought.

DR. CHIN: (looking at the padded room) “It couldn’t be.”

DR. CHIN walks toward padded room to look in. MAN looks up at her.

MAN: (to DR. CHIN through the door) “I got bored. They needed help. I gave it to them. You still have ten minutes left. Let me go.”

DR. CHIN “Sure you did. The room is padded, not sound proof.”: (checking the clock which now reads 11:50) “You do have quite the perception of time, though. I’ll give you that.”

MAN: “I can read a clock as well as anyone else.”

DR. CHIN (looking for a clock MAN could see from his room): “What clock are you reading from?”

MAN: “The one on the wall outside my cell. I can read it in your mind. It just turned to 11:51. You should let me go, time is running out.”

DR. CHIN: “There must be a reflection in the window…”

MAN: (calmly) “It would only make sense, Dr. Chin, that if I could control minds I would be able to read them, too. Let me go.”

DR. CHIN: “Still talking like that and expecting me to let you loose into society? You’ve got some nerve…”

MAN: (interrupting) “Your first name is Venese. A pretty name, but you hate it. You’ve hated it since you were a child and the other children made fun of you. Your first childhood pet was a cat was you named ‘Neko’. When he died, you never got over it. He was your only true friend.”

DR. CHIN: “How did you…”

MAN: (interrupting) “I already told you I can read minds… (continuing) You had trouble making friends growing up, you were too proper and bossy. Questioning everything they said without listening to their reply. It was because you had no friends that you went into medical school; thinking you could win hearts by helping people. But you haven’t, you can’t help people if you don’t listen to them. You don’t even listen to your head nurse, and she’s the only reason you’re still employed here.”

DR. CHIN: “You’re a wacko stalker! I don’t think…”

MAN: (interrupting) “Then you shouldn’t talk. Let me go, you still have time. You shan’t have any more after it has run out.”

The clock reads 11:59

MAN: (standing) “One minute. Make the best of it! Set me free, now’s your chance!”

DR. CHIN: “You’re nuts!”

MAN: “The best people usually are. I’ve had enough time to plan things out, Dr. Chin. No one will notice if you let me go. There will be no scolding from the authorities. Everything will go back to normal. But if you hold me past noon, no one is going to notice if everyone around here starts acting unusual. Seconds left or else I turn this place into more than just a funny farm.”

DR. CHIN: “Have fun in there ‘cowboy’ You’ll be staying a while.”

(DR. CHIN starts to walk toward the office.)

scene iv

The clock reads 12:00.

MAN: “You disappoint me, Venese. Now stay put and stay calm.”

MAN raises his hand to his temple and looks toward upstage door. ASHLYNN comes running in from upstage. DR. CHIN stops.

ASHLYNN: (biting her lip) “Dr. Chin, can I go home?”

DR. CHIN: “What? Why?”

ASHLYNN: “Uhm, well… Dr. Chin… My breasts are really sore.”

DR. CHIN: “That’s no reason to go home, Miss Chan.”

ASHLYNN: “But, Dr. Chin, it’s not that… it’s not even that time! They just really hurt all of a sudden! A lot. The nipples feel swollen even!”

DR. CHIN: “Suck it up for another hour, then. At least wait until the other patients are fed.” (ASHLYNN pouts)”Please?”

ASHLYNN: “I’ll do my best Dr. Chin.”

ASHLYNN exits upstage holding her chest. JOANNE enters, noticeably distracted by ASHLYNN rubbing her chest.

JOANNE: “Dr. Chin, you need to send me home.”

DR. CHIN: “I do?”

JOANNE: “I feel really... weird. If I have anything I wouldn’t want the patients to get it. Especially after just eating on their own for the first time in weeks.”

DR. CHIN: “You’ll have to wait, Nurse Lee. Nurse Chan already requested to go home early and I’m letting her go in an hour. I’m such a softy letting her go home on account of ‘swollen nipples’.”

JOANNE: (biting lip at ‘swollen nipples’) “I’ll try and be a big girl about Dr. Chin.”

JOANNE exits upstage, stopping halfway to eye DR. CHIN moan and lick her lips. She ignores the ORDERLIES as they come in.

FRANK: “Hey Doc, you’ve got to let Frank and me outta here early.”

TOMMY: “Yeah.”

DR. CHIN: “You know at least two orderlies need to be present at the ward at all times.”

FRANK: “Come on, Doc. The you could take down half the skinnies out there on your own, men included, if you needed to. Second shift will be here in an hour, you and the nurses can hold the fort until then. You gotta let us go.”

TOMMY: “Yeah.”

DR. CHIN: “Why should I break protocol and do that?”

FRANK: “There’s something in the air, or something Doc. All the skinnies eating, and then drinking all that milk. I don’t know why, but I’m horny as a goat. Tommy’s the same way.

TOMMY: “Yeah.”

FRANK “I don’t trust myself when I can think with this head alone, Doc.”: (tapping his noggin) “You know?”

DR. CHIN: “No I don’t know. Keep in your pants for another hour then you both go home early.”

FRANK: “We’ll try, Doc. But I ain’t felt this way since I was thirteen and saw my first titty magazine.”

TOMMY: “Yeah.”

ORDERLIES exit upstage.

MAN: (calling through door to DR. CHIN) “It’s a pity to know I’m not the only one you ignore.”

DR. CHIN: (with anger) “I didn’t ignore anyone. I listened to all their requests and am letting them all go home early.”

MAN: “You heard them all, maybe. But you made them all stay here. Despite the risks they might impose to your patients.”

DR. CHIN: “And what risks are swollen nipples to my patients?”

MAN “Many. What if it’s contagious?” (DR. CHIN cups her breasts): “Especially with two big, burly, admittedly horny men around.”

DR. CHIN: “They wouldn’t dare touch Nurse Chan.”

MAN: “I don’t know if they’ll be able to hold back from fucking her. Swollen nipples turn many a man on. Of course, she might touch them first.”

DR. CHIN: (gasping) “She wouldn’t!”

MAN: “You’ve got a crush on Tommy! I can’t believe I didn’t pick that up earlier! Don’t worry, Tommy’s not hot for Ashlynn. Who knew you were one for the strong silent type!”

DR. CHIN: “I do not! Besides, workplace romance is frowned upon.”

MAN: “I wouldn’t call workplace fucking workplace romance. But if being thrown down naked on all fours and taken from behind is your idea of romance then you won’t have to look far to find your Romeo” (pause) “or Juliet.”

DR. CHIN: “I’m not a lesbian!”

MAN: “You might want to consider it. Tommy wouldn’t fuck a cow like you.”

DR. CHIN: “I’m not a cow!”

MAN: “You may be physically attractive, but you are a very ugly woman. Now Joanne, on the other hand… she might be a little more to look at than you, but she’s the one Tommy’s got the hots for.”

DR. CHIN: “That bitch! I don’t believe it.”

MAN: “Of course not! Why would you, why would you believe anything I say?”

scene v

A long sexual moan, followed by several more from different moaners, comes from upstage.

DR. CHIN: “What was that?”

MAN: “Exactly what it sounded like. The sound of fucking, I’m sorry ‘romance’.”

ASHLYNN runs in from upstage nearly in tears. Her breasts have enlarged and her nipples are visibly erect through her scrubs.

ASHLYNN: “Dr. Chin, Tommy and Frank are fucking the patients.”

DR. CHIN: “What?”

MAN: “Why do you always ask that? She just told you! Why don’t you listen to her?”

ASHLYNN: (ignoring MAN) “The orderlies, they’re fucking the patients. They said they were going to fuck them all pregnant. That’s the only way they’ll gain any weight.” (sobbing) “And they’re completely ignoring me! And my titties! They hurt so bad, Dr. Chin! Look!”

ASHLYNN lifts her scrubs to show DR. CHIN her newly engorged breast and nipples, the skin is red from where her bra attempted to hold them in. DR. CHIN licks her lips before gathering herself.

DR. CHIN: “Nurse Chan! No you may not! That is not proper workplace etiquette. I told you to suck it up!”

ASHLYNN: “I can’t suck it up anymore, Dr. Chin! Could you suck them up for me?”
(removes top and approaches DR. CHIN)

DR. CHIN: (indignant) “No I will nooooo”

DR. CHIN finds herself cut short as her body leans over to suck on ASHLYNN’s tit. ASHLYNN holds DR. CHIN to her breast forcing her to continue her nursing. Panic gives way to enjoyment as DR. CHIN suckles.

ASHLYNN begins to remove DR. CHIN’s labcoat who then goes after ASHLYNN’s other breast on her own accord. ASHLYNN removes as much of DR. CHIN’s clothing as she is able, then continues to play with her free breast until it starts to leak milk.

Eventually milk spurts onto DR. CHIN’s face.

DR. CHIN: (with milk dribbling down her chin) “Oh my!”

ASHLYNN: “Oh, my nipples feel so much better! I feel so much better! I’ve begun to let down! Oh thank you DR. CHIN! The patients were asking for milk!”

ASHLYNN gives a deep kiss to DR. CHIN then exits upstage.

DR. CHIN: “What just happened? What did I just do.”

MAN: “Why do you ask questions to which you already know the answer?”

DR. CHIN: “That’s not possible. You can’t be doing this.”

MAN: “Clearly I can.”

DR. CHIN (panicked looking down at her transforming naked body): “What’s happening to me?”

MAN: “I’m matching your physical appearance to your personality.”

DR. CHIN: “What?”

MAN: “I haven’t decided if you are stupid or deaf. I’m turning you into a cow. Joanne’s got a thing for you, and she’s got a thing for that, she had a thing for Ashlynn, too. So it seemed the nice thing to do.”

DR. CHIN’s breasts begin to fill out and she starts to have trouble standing. She goes to the desk in the office to steady herself. JOANNE enters from upstage. She is only wearing a garter belt and a fancy bra. Her breasts have not grown.

JOANNE leads in ASHLYNN by a makeshift collar and leash. Aside from the collar, ASHLYNN is naked.

JOANNE: (upon seeing DR. CHIN) “I had always fantasized about this, but never in my wildest dreams had I expected it to happen.” (to ASHLYNN) “Now it’s your turn to help her milk come in.”

ASHLYNN begins to play with DR. CHIN’s breasts. JOANNE plays with herself as she watches her crushes enjoy each other’s company. She then finishes undressing DR. CHIN.

JOANNE: “Cows don’t wear clothes, silly.”

As the women have sex, the ORDERLIES enter naked from upstage. they open the door to MAN’s room. MAN silently thanks them and the ORDERLIES exit upstage. MAN walks across stage past the office.

DR. CHIN: (seeing MAN walking out) “Why? Why did yoooooou dooooo this toooooo me?”

MAN: (stopping to quote) “‘Everything’s got a moral, if only you can find it.’”

MAN exits stage right.

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