No penguins were harmed during the writing of this story
A Practical Joke….in Spaaacccceee
By Firest
“Bridge....BRIDGE!!!”
“Yes, this is the bridge, is there a problem?”
“The security program’s gone active down here, it’s restraining everyone!”
“I’m sorry, who is this?”
“It’s Commander Allyss! Shut down the security program!”
“Security program Ma’am? Where are you?”
“….women’s quarters….shut….now….[beep] now.”
“Ma’am, I didn’t catch your last, what exactly is happening?”
“The waldo’s! They’re wrapping everyone up in tape! Shut them down, NOW!”
“Ma’am, I’m showing all green up...”
“I DON’T CARE....Ouch....wait, don’t....LET GO….[BEEP]!!”
“Are you alright Commander?”
“[BEEP], no! They’ve got a hold of me...gah...they’re wrapping me up...SHUT THEM DOWN!!”
“I’ll check again Ma’am.”
“OUCH….OW….NO!! DON’T!!
“Ma’am?”
“I can’t break free….hurry! It’s almost up to my mouth!”
“Hmm....Oh, I see now. I’m afraid someone is playing a practical joke on you Ma’am. They’ve linked a security program to the stasis prep....There, that should do it. Are you alright now?”
“Practical jo....No I’m not [Beep] alright! I’m all tied up in tape, I can barely move! Get someone down here to unwrap us!”
“Yes, Ma’am, right away. I’ll contact one of the other female personnel and have them get down there ASAP.”
“Hurry!”
“….Ma’am?
“WHAT?!”
“According to the computer, all female personnel are in there with you.”
“Uh….[thump]….I can’t get a good count of who’s all here from this angle. They must have all been attacked before I arrived.”
“Does everyone look alright Ma’am?”
“Who is this?!”
“This is Ensign Clark, Commander. Is everyone alright?”
“No they aren’t alright! They’ve been wrapped up in tape!”
“It’s just that you’re the only one I can hear Ma’am.”
“They’ve been gagged.” [murph, murph, thump, murph]
“Is that what that sound is? Ma’am, do you require medical assistance?”
“I require that you send someone down here to untie us Ensign!”
“I meant is everyone breathing OK? Is anyone in any danger?”
“The tape is only covering their mouths, they seem to be breathing fine through their noses, and the only one in danger is you Ensign, because if you don’t get someone down here NOW I’m going to [beep] [beep] [beep] [BEEP] [Beep] [BEEP] [BEEP] [Beep] [Beep] [Beep] [BEEP] !!! DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?!!!”
“I’m sorry Ma’am, I didn’t catch all of that, I think when you insisted on installing a Ween filter to Comm you might have put it on to sensitive a setting.”
“GAHHHHH! Just get someone down her now!”
“Well, there’s a problem there Ma’am. Remember, since you and the others are the first women to fly aboard this ship, you insisted that the female quarters be level 2 restricted. Only authorized personnel can gain entry, so unless one of you ladies can open the door from the inside the only other people who can get in there is the either the Captain, who’s in engineering helping with the jump engine warm up, or the Doctor, who’s finalizing the pre-launch medical checks. It might be an hour before either of them can get down there.”
“[BEEP]….Look Ensign….This had better not be some stupid hazing thing or I swear to god I’m going to have everyone up on charges!”
“Ah, Ma’am?”
“WHAT!”
“Just so you know, the Ween filter has been keeping track of your language over the comm, and with the points you’ve accumulated you will already require a counseling session with your supervisor, any more and it’s an automatic Article 33.”
“Ensign….”
“I’m sorry Commander, but you did insist on updating the software and strict enforcement of Fleet morality codes….”
“Ensign! You contact the Captain right now or....oh, ah, what...”
“Commander? Are you alright?”
“There’s a...ah...problem with my suit....a strange....vibration....”
“Vibration? What kind of vibration Ma’am?”
“Uh, it’s….it’s….”
“Oh [beep]. Ma’am, is this vibration, er....in the groin area?”
“Yes, what....ohhh....it’s also on my….my chest….what is going on?”
“It’s another practical joke Ma’am. Did you know that the gel layer of your suit can be programmed to do some funny things? Well someone on board has taken to programming it to, er, stimulate people at odd times.”
“WHAT?!”
“It’s harmless Ma’am, though it can be annoying when you’re trying to work. Just reset your med-chip and it will stop.”
“I’M TIED UP! HOW THE [BEEP] AM I SUPPOSED TO REACH MY MED-CHIP?!”
“Er, right, sorry Ma’am....Um, let me try from here. OK, I’ve got your suit’s telemetry up on the screen now….Hmm, Ma’am?”
“Wha….AH….What?”
“Did you change the privacy settings on your suit?”
“Of course I did you idiot!”
“It’s just that we don’t have the new settings registered on the computer, so I can’t reset the chip from here. Frankly, though it’s technically against regs we tend to keep the same settings so the Bridge can intervene in case of emergencies.”
“WONDERFUL Ensign! Now get me the [BEEP] Captain!”
“I’m afraid the Captain is still in Engineering, Ma’am. But don’t worry, the vibration is harmless, it’s just distracting if you can’t turn it off.”
“HARM...AHHHH....HARMLESS YOU [BEEP]!!”
“If it’s any consolation Ma’am, I have the rest of the women’s suit telemetry up now and it seems they’ve all been hit with the same program.”
“I KNOW THEY’RE ALL AFFECTED! God, ah....I can see them squir....oh....I mean I can hear them....[beep]....we’re all affected...God, Ensign....please....”
“It could be worse Ma’am, whoever the joker is really knows what they’re doing. They’ve even been able to program the gel to form solid shapes. If you think this is uncomfortable, you should try being out on the hull and suddenly feeling a [beep] inserting itself into your [beep]. At least you’re not....”
“GAHHHH!! It’s growing!! Something is...AAAAAAH....IT’S [BEEP] ME IT’S [BEEP] ME!!! NOOOOOO....OH GOD NOT IN THERE TOO!!! AH, AH, AH, AH, AH, AAAAAAAAAAHHHH....”
[cough] “Ma’am, I’m reading a spike in your…actually in everyone’s heart rate, and definite signs of…er….stress. May I assume that the joker has, ahem, reconfigured his program for females?”
“please...aaaah....please....”
“Oh yes, I can see it on the telemetry now, you seem to have a [beep] inserting itself into your [beep] and another sliding into your wet [beep], and it also looks like the gel is sucking on your [beep]. Can you confirm this Ma’am?”
“STOP IT!! TURN IT OFF!!”
“Commander, since you altered your suit’s privacy settings I can’t do anything from here unless you reset them to allow remote commands from the Bridge. Can you reach your suit’s controls from your current position?”
“Uh….argh….ah….No [beep], I can’t.”
“Ma’am, I can’t seem to access any of the female personnel’s suits. Do you know if they all might have reset their suit’s settings?”
“Ah, ah, ah….AAAAAHHH!!”
“Ma’am?!”
“Wha, wha….what…?”
“Do you know if the rest of the female crew reset their suits?”
“Yes….regs….I ordered….”
“Unfortunately that means I can’t help them from here either, and it looks like they’re having the same problems you are….Ma’am, can you visually confirm the condition of all the women?”
“....Yes, they’re all struggling....OH, oh god it’s starting again....ah....Ensign, get me the Captain....NOW.”
“Ma’am, I’m sorry, but I can’t interrupt him now unless it’s a code yellow, and looking at your suit’s telemetry, while this is definitely….um….uncomfortable, none of you are in any actual danger.”
“Ah ah ah ah ah ah ah AAAHHHHHH….[beep].”
“Ah, Ma’am? I know you’re under some stress now, but regulations require me to inform you that you’ve registered and excessive number of hits on the Ween filter, and by Fleet Morality Code Five the Captain will be required to issue you an Article 33.”
“[BEEP] YOU!!! WHY DON’T YOU SHOVE A [BEEP] INTO YOUR [BEEP] AND [BEEP]!!”
“I’m sorry, Ma’am. The Ween filter blocked most of that, but I’m pretty sure I’ve already had one of those from when the joker got me, and the other is anatomically impossible.”
“I’M GOING TO RIP OFF YOUR [BEEP] AND WE’LL SEE ABOUT THAT….AHHHHHH….THEY’RE MOVING AGAIN…STOP THEM!!! PLEASE STOP THEM!!!!”
“I’m working on it Ma’am. You know, this joker program really is remarkable, how it integrates with the med-chip to learn exactly how to elicit the best response and….”
“[BEEP] [BEEP] [BEEP] [BEEP] [BEEP] [BEEP] [BEEP] [BEEP] [BEEP] [BEEP]!!!!”
“Commander, I’m doing everything I can here. I don’t appreciate being….”
“….CAPTAIN….”
“Commander, as I said....”
“YOU GET ME THE CAPTAIN RIGHT THE [BEEP] NOW ENSIGN!!!! AHHH....GET ME THE CAPTAIN GET ME THE CAPTAIN GET ME THE CAPTAIN GET ME THE CAPTAIN!!!!!”
[sirens] “Oh [beep]. Ma’am, that’s the jump warning, our jump time has been moved up. I’m going to have to ask you to get yourself and the rest of the women into their stasis pods.”
“WHAT?!!....AHHHHH.....HOW?!!”
“Oh, right....Ma’am, I’m going to have to have the Waldos move you into the pods. I’ve got the program working correctly now, so there won’t be any problems. It’s designed to function in case the crew has been incapacitated.”
“but...no....ahhh, Ensign....please....”
“Don’t worry Ma’am, the Med-chip will reset automatically once the sleep cycle starts, that will return your suits to normal function. We’ll have to wait to release you all from the tape once we’re in the Fractal system.”
“no...I order you....uhhhh....please....I’m begging you.”
“Ma’am, it’s out of my hands, if we don’t take this window we’ll be here another day. Don’t worry, once you’re in the pods, it will only be about fifteen, twenty minutes before the sleep cycle starts. I’m afraid you’ll just have to endure it until then.”
“ENSIGN!!!”
“I’m signing off now Ma’am, see you in Fractal.”
“NOOOOO….” [click]
“And how long is it really until the sleep cycle starts?”
“An hour, maybe a bit more, Captain.”
“We’re going to [beep] you know, Ensign. And would you please shut down that damn…”
“Heh, I’m way ahead of you, Sir. And it’ll be fine, Captain.”
“Really? Because I think those ladies are going to be a more than a bit upset once we get them out of there. It’s not like we can keep them from sending mail home.”
“We could...”
“No, we can’t keep them wrapped up for the next five years, Ensign. We do need them to help run the ship, unless you want to pull double shifts for the duration of the voyage?”
“Er, no Sir, but it won’t be an issue. Our, um, ‘practical joker’ has added some Kajira programs to their dream synthesizer.”
“NO, Ensign, those things are dangerous. You get down there and...”
“Sir, it’s the Chin knock-offs that are dangerous! These are high-quality modifiers. My Uncle works for Norman Systems, he made sure I had only the best, and safest, programs.”
“Ensign...”
“Sir, we did already buy the maids uniforms, and look at the blue-haired one...”
[sigh]“Yes Ensign, she is squirming nicely, but….”
“She’s a virgin.”
“How....”
“The readings from their bio-comps and the joker program are here.”
“Humph, you mean was a virgin, that program....”
“No, Sir. The program is a low-level AI hooked up to their suit’s med-system and when it detected resistance from her hymen it backed off. She’s been getting a ‘tongue-lashing’ for the last fifteen minutes….Oh, good”
“What?”
“The program’s finally got their rhythm. You see, it takes some time for the AI to work out what technique each individual person responds best to. But now their suits will be able to keep them right on the edge of cumming until just before it the sleep cycle auto-resets their suit’s med systems, then it will push them over for one monster orgasm before they go off to dreamland.”
“....”
“Captain. Just so you know, the Commander’s dream programming is maxed out in ‘Craves Discipline’, and we’ve also laid in a supply of paddles.”
“....It’s going to be a long voyage.”
“Really, Sir? I think it’s getting shorter by the minute.”