Twelve Days
by J. Darksong
“Hello? Jeremy?”
“Hey, Wendy!” he replied into his phone. “What’s up?”
“Jeremy! You romantic devil, you! I love it!”
He grinned. “I take it my Christmas gift arrived safe and sound?”
“Yes!” Wendy gushed through her cell. “An actual partridge in a pear tree! She’s absolutely adorable! I can’t believe you did this!”
“Well, sweetie, I know it?s only been six months, but I love you so much! And I know how much you love that song. At first I was afraid you’d think it was too hokey...”
“No! Not at all! It’s wonderful! Thank you so much, Jeremy! This is the sweetest thing any boyfriend has ever done for me... no, anyone has ever done for me, ever! Thank you, baby!“
“You’re welcome, love! Bye!” Click.
“Hello?”
“Jeremy! Oh my god! I can’t believe it! You did it again!”
He chuckled, grinning widely. “Surprise! Merry Christmas baby!”
“Where in the world did you find actual turtle doves?”
“Oh... I know a guy who knows a guy,” he said with a smirk. “Do you like ’em?”
“Oh yes! They’re so cute! I think I’ll name them after us, Little Wendy, and Little Jeremy! Thank you, sweetheart!”
“You’re welcome, babe! I love you so much!” Click.
“Hello?”
“Um, Jeremy?”
“Wendy, babe! How are you? Did my gift arrive yet?”
“Um, yes, Jeremy... that’s kind of what I wanted to talk to you about.”
“Why? What’s wrong?”
“Listen, Jeremy. Don’t get me wrong. I like the gifts, really. The partridge-in-a-pear-tree was just darling. And the two turtle doves, they were cute too. But, three French hens?”
“Um... too much?” he guessed.
“Yeah, too much. I live in an apartment building, baby. I don’t have anywhere to put them, so they’re just running around free in the apartment.”
“Oh. Sorry, babe. I didn’t think about that. Sorry. I’m really really sorry!”
Wendy sighed. “It’s okay, Jeremy. It’s the thought that counts, right? You meant well. And... it was really sweet.”
“Ah, thanks babe! I knew you’re understand. You’re the greatest! Bye!” Click.
“Hello?”
“Jeremy...”
“Hey, babe! How’s it going?”
“Jeremy, hon... we just talked about this yesterday. You know, the.... gifts?”
“OH! Yeah! They must have arrived! Do you love them?”
“Jeremy!” she said with heat. “We TALKED about you NOT sending me more BIRDS!”
“Huh? Oh! Actually, you said the hens were a problem because they were just roaming around freely. I sent the four calling birds in a cage!“
“Jeremy...”
“I mean, they are contained this way, right? The guy assured me that they couldn’t get out. And man... you wouldn?t believe how difficult it was to get them. I mean, ‘calling birds’? What does that mean anyway?”
“Jeremy—”
“At first I thought that meant birds that could talk, like parrots or something. I had to actually look up the original song lyrics from back in the like 1300’s... it was ‘colly’ birds, which i guess was just a weird way of saying blackbirds.”
“Jeremy!”
“And the cage ! it’s a really nice cage, with newspaper on the bottom and everything—”
“JEREMY!” Wendy shouted. Then sighed, rubbing her temples. “You know, what? It’s fine. It’s okay. I know you meant well. Just... no more birds, okay? Maybe something more... traditional for a gift? Like shoes, or chocolates, or a new fur coat, or jewelry—”
“Jewelry?” he exclaimed excitedly. “Of course! I know exactly what to do. Thanks babe. You’re the greatest!”
“Huh? Wait Jeremy—” Click. “Shit. Ah, well...” Click.
“Hello?”
“Jeremy, darling! I take it all back! This gift totally ROCKS!”
“Ah! So you liked the five gold rings, then?” he said with pride.
“Like them? I love them! These are just exquisite! A different jewel on every ring... a diamond, a sapphire, a ruby, an emerald... and not just small little pebbles, these are real rocks! Jeremy, thank you! But... this must have cost you a fortune!“
“Meh... not as much as you might think,” he said with a dubious shrug. “Anyway... I’m hoping this makes up for my earlier blunders?”
“Oh yes, sweetie! Does it ever! Thank you so much! So, do you want to come over tonight?”
“Sorry, baby, I have to work until late tonight. But, maybe tomorrow? Anyway, baby, I gotta go. Talk to ya later! I love you, Wendy!” Click.
Wendy sighed, shaking her head. Then dialed a different number. “Hey Don. It’s me. Say, are you doing anything tonight? I’ve been wanting to go see ‘Catching Fire’ down at the new theater on Second Avenue. Wanna go?”
“Heeeeelllloooo?” Jeremy intoned, placing the bottle of whiskey down on the counter.
“Jeremy! What! The! Fuck?!?” a female voice shouted back at him.
“Heeeeeyy! It’s Wendy! Howzaya been, honey-bunny!?!” he said hiccupping.
“Well, I was just fine and dandy ’til I came home from work and found six goddamn geese in my fucking apartment!”
“Hehehehe... six geese a-laying...” Jeremy sang, hiccupping again.
“More like six geese a-shitting!” she yelled back. “And they weren’t even in a damned cage! My entire apartment is full of goose shit! Not to mention the noise, since they apparently aren’t getting along with all the OTHER damn birds you’ve sent me! My damned super is having a fit!” When Jeremy’s response was nothing but peals of laughter, she bristled. “Jeremy! Damn it, this isn’t fucking funny!”
“Who’s Don?” he asked suddenly, his voice deadly serious.
“Don?” Wendy said, blinking in surprise. “Um... I don’t... I mean... what do you mean? How should I know—”
“The Bijou Theater, downtown?” Jeremy said harshly, sliding his finger along the rim of the bottle. “Around seven last night?”
“Um... Jeremy... I ... I can explain...” Wendy said, going slightly pale.
“Funny thing,” Jeremy said idly, swirling the bottle, watching the amber liquid spin. “I was down on Second Avenue last night, picking up flowers and chocolates... you know? Instead of getting lunch for myself, I decided to spend my lunch break getting your next gift. I was just coming out of the store, and you’ll never guess what I saw!”
“Jeremy... I...”
“Well, no need to tell you, Wendy-bird, ’cause you were there, too!” Jeremy growled. Taking a deep drag, he continued on. “So... anyway... I decided that since my girlfriend apparently as NOT traditional at all... I wouldn?t be traditional either! So... how do you like your fucking untraditional Christmas present—you WHORE!?!“
Click.
“Hello?”
“Goddamn you, Jeremy!”
“Wendy! Oh! Oh god! Oh god! Wendy, please don’t hang up! Please! I’m sorry about yesterday, okay? I.. I was upset... I was drunk... I didn’t mean to call you a whore—”
“Yeah? Well FUCK you very much!” she snarled. “If you’re so FUCKING sorry about yesterday, why the HELL did you send me another FUCKING GIFT?!”
“Oh? You mean the... um.... the swans?”
“Duh!” she replied with venom. “You flooded my goddamn apartment, you son of a bitch! My super just LOVED that, by the way! And anyway... they’re not even swans! One of them is fucking PINK!!”
“Yeah, I know... it’s kind of hard to find seven live swans in New York City... so I used a flamingo and a stork to make up the difference. And I didn’t REALLY cause a flood... I just overfilled the bathtub a little, that’s all! I mean, an inch or two of standing water is hardly a flood—”
“Look, I don’t care! I just want this to stop! Why the hell are you doing this to me?”
“Well... I tried to call back and apologize... but you wouldn’t answer!” he replied sullenly. “I left like fifty voice mails, asking, begging you, pleasing with you to call me back... to try and work this out. I don’t care that you went out with some other guy, okay? I just... I got mad and said some stupid shit... but I still love you!”
“Uh huh. You made that abundantly clear in the fifty voice mails you sent. Well, guess what? I don’t give a shit! It’s over between us, Jeremy. Stop calling me, and stop sending me fucking birds! I don’t want anything to do with you anymore!” Click.
“Hello? Wendy? Is that you?”
“Jeremy... you goddamn sick twisted perverted fucking asshole!!”
“Wendy! Now... now calm down. Just give me a minute to explain!”
“Explain?” she yelled. “Explain? Okay, this should be good! Try and explain to me why I have eight topless women lounging around in my bedroom, moaning and mindlessly playing with their breasts?”
“Um... well...”
“And they?re acting like fucking zombies! Did you fucking drug them or something? And anyway... what the fuck does this shit even have to do with Christmas?”
“Um... they’re all lactating?” he supplied with a sheepish grin.
“Lactating?” ahs repeated, frowning for a couple of seconds before she got the implications. “You SICK perverted FUCK!” she screamed. “Maids ‘a-milking’ indeed! And I suppose the nametags pinned to their discarded blouses mean they ARE actual—”
“Maids? Yeah. I picked them up from a bunch of different motels and hotels in the area. Do you see now how serious I am about making this up to you? How seriously committed I am to our relationship?”
“The only thing I understand is that you need to BE committed! I’m getting a restraining order! Don’t ever come by my apartment again, you creep!” Click.
“Hello.” the digitized voice said,. “You have a collect call from...”
“JEREMYYOUFUCKINGSONOFABITCHIMGONNAFUCKINGKILLYOU!”
“... an inmate at the Manhattan Metropolitan Correctional Center. Press ‘1’ to accept the call. Press ‘2’ to—BEEP!”
“Hello, honey,” Jeremy said, chuckling. “What are you doing in jail?”
“You mean where YOU deserve to be, you asshole?” she yelled back. “You set me UP, that’s what I’m doing in here!”
“Huh? Wait, I don’t understand. Set you up, how?”
“Did you or did you NOT send a bunch of prostitutes to my fucking apartment?!?”
“Prostitutes? No way! I wouldn’t do that—Ohhh... I see.” He sighed, shaking his head. “You mean the nine ladies dancing?”
“Jeremy, I fucking swear when I get out of here—”
“I can see why you’d think they were prostitutes, though,” he continued on, nonplussed. “I couldn’t find traditional dancers, but then, I remember my girlfriend isn’t really that ?traditional? anyway. So I hired ‘erotic’ dancers, from over at the Kit Kat Klub on Jefferson Drive.”
“—gonna rip your fucking balls off and shove them down your fucking throat!!”
“Okay, okay, honey, you made your point,” Jeremy said placatingly. “Now, let’s try and be civil here, okay? I mean, it sounds like you’re looking for someone to bail you out... and since you’re calling ME, I’m guessing you either couldn’t reach ‘Don Juan’ or he just flat out told you to fuck off the way you’ve been telling ME to for the past few days. Am I right?” he asked. ?Am I close? In the ballpark??
Silence for several seconds then... “Yeah. Okay fine. Just get me the hell out of here!”
“Honey! That’s no way to talk to someone you love!” he admonished her. “Especially during the Christmas season! Now... ask me nicely, and I’ll pay your bail.”
Silence again. “You know, I hate you so fucking much right now,” she said after a moment, defeated.
“I know, baby,” Jeremy replied with a smile. “I love you too!” Click.
“Hello?”
“WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?!” a loud female shriek burst through, nearly deafening him. Pulling the cell away from his ear, he let her rant for several more minutes while he slipped out of bed, splashed some water on his face, and used the bathroom, returning to his bedroom just as she began to wind down.
“—never hugged you as a child or something! I mean, what in the holy hell is wrong with you?”
“Wendy, baby, please,” he said yawning. “It’s seven in the morning. I work late. It’s too early in the morning to do this. Can you just cut to the chase? What’s wrong with my gift THIS time?”
She snorted. “Oh, don’t even TRY and play that card with me, Jerr. Calling these torments a ‘gift’ is insulting to both of us! And, before I go over all the reasons why sending me a group of brainwashed-or-drugged-or-whatever adolescent boys in spandex is so fucking wrong—”
“They’re the New York State gymnastics team,” Jeremy announced with a measure of pride. “Not exactly ‘LORDS’ per se, I mean, for an actual lord, I’d have to go overseas to Europe! The point is, they can really leap, and then some.”
“—never mind that!” she snapped angrily. “What i want to know is how the FUCK you got them here! Do you have me bugged or something? How did you know where I was staying?”
“You mean to the hotel where you’re currently staying?” he asked, flipping through his notes. “Over at the Regency on Lexington?” He shrugged. “Well, you left your apartment, so I couldn’t exactly send them over there to wait for you. Who knows when you’d be back?”
“How the hell did you know that?” she asked, too exhausted and worn out from her earlier rant to put any heat behind her words. “And for your information, I didn’t leave my apartment. I was kicked out. After the noise complaints from the birds, the water damage, and the incident with the police breaking down the door to break into a, quote, ‘den of sin and iniquity’, my landlord said he’d had enough.“
“Yeah. Well, gee, that’s rough. Of course, you know there’s plenty of room here at Casa de Jeremy!”
Click.
“Hello? Hello? Wendy? Ahh.... nuts.” Click.
Wendy Simms was a wreck. Mentally, physically, emotionally... she was worn down to the breaking point. In the space of a week, her entire life had been turned upside down. The shy, geeky, unassuming man she’d been dating for the past six months, that she’d assumed was safe and normal, had proven to be a complete nutcase. His constant barrage of ‘gifts’ based on the Twelve Days of Christmas song had ruined her life. She’d already lost her home, forced to stay at hotels and motels until she could find something more permanent in her price range. Don, of course, was no help whatsoever—seeing the kind of attention her ex was giving her, he’d decided to cut his losses and run. As a result, she was struggling to deal with this all by herself.
Her fear and paranoia for the next unwanted surprise and her lack of sleep over the ones she’d already received made her such a basket case at work that she was in danger of losing her job as well. Getting off the bus on Tenth Street, she glanced around behind her, and all around. Today was the ‘Eleventh Gift’... and she knew Jeremy would pull something soon. Considering the fact that she no longer had a permanent residence, she’d half expected him to spring his surprise at her job, and cause enough of a commotion that she would get fired on the spot, but her day had passed without incident. Now, wandering down the street, heading to the next hotel on her list of randomly picked dwelling spots, she was hyper alert for Jeremy’s next move.
As the crowd around the bus stop thinned, she paused, frowning as she spied a very tall, oddly made hat, several inches above the rest of the people walking about. Her fears were verified as the person in front of her stepped aside, allowing her a brief but telling glimpse of a man dressed out in full Scottish regalia, holding bagpipes. “Ohh... fuck me,” she breathed, turning on her heel, heading in the opposite direction. A few steps later, she skidded to a stop, spying a second piper, leaning up against the side of a building a few feet away, talking to someone. She paused, holding her breath; he hadn’t seen her yet, but with the streets nearly deserted, there was no one in her path to hide behind. Glancing around fearfully, she turned and ducked into a nearby store, sighing in relief as the door closed behind her.
“Greetings, Miss,” a woman in a red blouse stated with a smile, stepping out from behind a counter. “Can I help you?” Wendy blinked, glancing around. She’d ducked inside the local Vaporium Euphoria store, which she belatedly realized explained the exotic scents assaulting her nostrils. The clerk peered at her curiously. “Are you all right? You look like someone’s been chasing you or something.”
“No, no,” she panted softly. “I’m fine. I just... I, um... I’ve never been in here before... and I was just... um... curious,” she finished lamely.
“Ah, no problem. Well, vaping is all the rage these days,” she said with a grin, pulling a small silver pipe from her own pocket. “It’s not just trendy, though,” she said, flicking the button, “it’s also a lot better for you than smoking.” She took a deep drag, and exhaled, blowing a cloud of white mist at Wendy’s face. “See? It’s not smoke. It’s vapor... basically steam with a few other things added to give it a pleasing flavor.” She exhaled again, and Wendy nodded, inhaling, taking in the scent. The girl was right. It smelled.... nice. Soothing.
“You see? It’s really nice. You can understand why a lot of people like to vape, can’t you?” the girl continued. “I mean, people used to smoke because it was relaxing... the nicotine calmed their nerves. It was just the rest of the stuff in the tobacco, the irritants and smoke, and tar, that was bad for you.” She paused, blowing another plume of vapor at Wendy, who inhaled again, taking it all in. “It’s the perfect solution. It’s all of the relaxation with none of the harm. And everyone likes to relax, don’t they?“
Wendy nodded. She certainly did. She hadn’t been able to relax in a long time... not since... since... something happened... She frowned, considering. It was strange... there was something she’d been afraid of a moment ago... something important... a reason why she hadn’t been able to relax. But... she felt relaxed right now. Very relaxed. Too relaxed to remember why she was supposed to be worried. So... she stopped trying. Smiling softly, she let the clerk, Patty, lead her back into the back room, where several other people were vaping. A thick white mist enveloped her as she stepped into the room, and she sighed deeply, letting it seem into her very being.
“Here you go,” Patty said, leading her over to an empty seat, the only empty seat left in the room. “Sorry, we’re a bit crowded today, as you can see. Our capacity is only ten, so you’ll have to share with this gentleman,” she said taking another deep drag, blowing it straight in Wendy’s dreamy smiling face, “but I don’t think you’ll mind too much. He’s a very nice guy.”
“Mmmm... nice guy?” Wendy said, her eyes slowly moving to face the man seated in front of her. She frowned, her relaxing mood fading as she recognized Jeremy’s face. Before it could become full-fledged alarm, however, he blew a plume of vapor into her face, and she sighed, calming back down again.
“Yeah, Wendy,” he said with a grin. “I’d like to think I’m a nice enough guy. I mean, I went to all the trouble of setting this up, just for you, didn’t I? Don’t you think that makes me a nice guy?”
“Nice... guy...” she repeated, nodding slightly, before frowning and shaking her head. “No... no... you’re not a nice guy.. you’re... crazy... evil...” Another plume of white hit her square in the face, and she inhaled, instinctively, sighing, as her anger again vanished.
“Evil? That’s not right,” Jeremy said with a pout. “Okay, so maybe I’m a rich bastard that hid the fact that he’s a multimillionaire from you all this time... but that’s because I wanted you to like me for who I am, not what I can give you! And when you proved that you weren’t materialistic, that you loved me for me, I did this whole 12 Days of Christmas theme to show my appreciation! That’s not evil, is it?”
Another plume of white had her agreeing again. “Yeah... not evil...” she said sleepily, her eyes dropping to mere slits.
“And... okay, MAYBE the fact that I made my millions through the development of a slightly unethical mind control formula that I use to brainwash and program people, like your building superintendant, or the maids a?milking, and the gymnastic kids a?leaping to do my bidding... MIGHT be considered a little tiny bit naughty. But evil? No... not at all!“
“No... not... at all,” Wendy replied woodenly, completely blitzed by the constant stream of narcotic hypnotic vapor.
He grinned. “And as for your friend Don... it’s not EVIL to make him back the fuck off. After all, you were my girlfriend, and he was trying to take you away from me.” He frowned. “Well, actually, he was just responding to the advances YOU were sending out... but that’s okay. He’s out of the picture now, and that’s a good thing... Right, Wendy baby? A good thing.”
“Don...” she said blinking furiously, That name meant something. And... and he was saying something about Don... being gone. “A... good... thing?” she asked, completely unsure now.
“Yes, baby, a very good thing,” he reassure her, blowing more of the calming, relaxing mist into her face, making her eyes cross prettily. “And last, but not least... using my special vapor mist to make you forget all about out little spat, making you forget about all the bad stuff and just focus on the good... that’s not evil at all! In fact, it’s a very good thing, sweetie.”
“A... very... good... thing,” Wendy agreed, as the tiny bit of resistance in her shrank, growing even smaller.
“You see? And after all I did for you... despite the fact that you cheated on me with some other guy... despite all the dirty names you’ve been calling me.... I’ve been giving you presents all this time.” He blew another plume at her, just for show, knowing she was already deeply under his sway. “You should be grateful to me. Very grateful.“
“Very... grateful...”
“And do you know why I went to such lengths for you?” he asked her, leaning forward to stare deep into his dreamy glazed over eyes. “Do you know why, Wendy? Because I love you.”
“You... love me...” she said, blinking slowly, a soft smile creasing her lips.
“Yes. I love you... and you love me back.”
“I... l.. l-l-love...you... back...” she said, with only a slight bit of hesitation. Of course, Jeremy noticed it instantly, and sighed shaking his head.
“Yes, well, it’s a process,” he murmured softly. “Love develops over time after all.” Gesturing to the ten other vapors, calming puffing on their pipes, he signaled them to gather around. “Come on, gang... I promised my true love ELEVEN pipers piping. She’s almost there, but not quite... just dangling on the edge. All she needs is only more little puff...”
“Jeremy!”
“Huh? Oh, hey Wendy!” Jeremy replied, placing his cell between his ear and his shoulder. “How are you?”
“Great! You know me, never better!” she said cheerfully. “I just wanted to call and thank you for the marvelous gift!”
“Huh? Gift? You mean the twelve drummers?”
“Yeah! That was, like, so romantic! I don’t know where you came up with the idea from, but it is just perfect! I love it! This has been the best Christmas ever!”
“I’m glad you think so, baby,” Jeremy said, tossing his cell phone aside to kiss Wendy in person, holding her tightly against her, feeling her melt against him. “But, um, you do realize there is only one of me here, right?”
She giggled, tossing her cell phone into the bed, slipping easily out of her robe to stand naked before him. “I know that... but the way you played my hot little ass just now with that ‘drumstick’ of yours, it felt like there were twelve of you.” Pushing him down to the bed, reaching down to stroke him into hardness, she smiled wickedly. “Still... I wasn’t quite expecting you to show up alone, dressed as the Little Drummer Boy...”
“Little?” he mock protested, groaning as she squeezed him playfully.
“You know what I mean. I half expected you to have an entire fife and drum ensemble following you.” She moaned deeply as she slid on top of him. “Uummm... oooh yesss, baby... mmmm... but, what about tradition?”
Growling softly in pleasure as the sensation around his cock, he grabbed Wendy by the waist. “You know what? Fuck tradition. Forget the Twelve Days of Christmas... let’s see how well you can Jingle my Balls.”