The Erotic Mind-Control Story Archive

DISCLAIMER

If you’re under age or cannot read things like this as a result of local laws, DON’T! Delete this right now! Otherwise, read on. This story contains content about manipulating someone’s mind, lesbian sex and professional malfeasance.

This story has examples of ENTIRELY unsafe sex in it. In this day and age, to avoid pregnancy and diseases you REALLY shouldn’t screw around without protection. But this is 100% fantasy, so I can get away with writing about it. Just remember, it doesn’t give you license to go out and do it. It also has nothing to do with real life and would probably never happen. Professional’s don’t behave this way either.

Further, if you’re looking for a quick.. wham bam.. crappy plotted story, please go look elsewhere. This story has a plot to it and despite being quite sexual in nature it HAS a point but it unfolds slowly.

Lastly, and most importantly. All the characters in here are created from my own mind. They may draw occasionally on inspiration from my own life, but in NO way are they meant to depict anyone in a perfectly accurate fashion, nor state any opinions as to those people.

Helpful Info

This is my first attempt at erotic writing so feedback would be greatly appreciated.

I MAKE SOME BREAKTHROUGHS

It has been 11 days since my last session with Margaret and 8 days since I last saw Mel. Progress in sorting this whole situation out has been slow at best. I had a total of 42 days of vacation time coming and have decided to use some of that time to try to pull myself together, so I haven’t been in to work since my last entry. I knew I would be no good at work if I went, my nerves are so on edge and concentration on work related projects would be next to impossible, my mind is so consumed with this whole Mel thing.

If nothing else, I have used the time wisely and painted the spare bedroom and reorganized my closets. With the wardrobe changes of late, I thought it needed it. Basically, I am trying to keep myself busy while I deal with all these new feelings.

Self control has always been important to me. This is what makes all this so difficult to comprehend. How can I work on gaining esteem and personal power and lose control at the same time? Something about that doesn’t make sense.

Still, a few things are becoming clearer to me. I may not understand exactly “why” but at least I am coming to grips with “what”. Here is what I have concluded over the past 4 days.

First, I have feelings for Mel I never thought possible. Let me make that more clear. I am feeling things for her that just a few short weeks ago I would have told you were absolutely impossible. I ache for her. I ache for her emotionally and I lust for her physically. In short I am consumed by the thought of her. Whatever I have felt in the past for Andy or other men is dwarfed by these feelings. I can think of nothing else to call it but love. This is incredibly hard to admit but I am in love with Mel, so much so it hurts to be without her. I wish I could call it something else, God knows I have tried but I simply can’t come up with another word that even comes close to doing what I feel justice.

The vision of her throwing her head back and laughing, the memory of a gentle touch on my hand or the way she looked at me the last time we were together haunts me during the day and pervades my dreams at night.

As intoxicating and exciting as these feelings are, I am not at all comfortable with them. I have gone over and over this in my mind. I have thought back as far as Kindergarten and I know for certain I have never had lesbian thoughts before. I certainly have been open-minded and never had a problem with the concept or with those I have known who were gay. Still, it has never appealed to me and I have never felt at a loss because of it. Simply put, before these feelings for Mel showed up, I could say with absolute certainty, “I am not a lesbian and I have no desire to experience it”. Now I guess the best I can say is I don’t want to be a lesbian and I am uncomfortable considering the possibility that I might be one. Still, at the same time, I am being overwhelmed with feelings and emotions and desires that can only be described as lesbian. As you can see, Journal, very little progress made here. Perhaps I have achieved a little clarification and realization of my dilemma but no resolution. The guilt and the shame and the confusion still haunt me.

My sexual coming out party continues and I masturbate pretty much every day. I have read enough on the net over the past week on the subject and adding this information to Margaret’s assurances have helped me to embrace the fact that fantasies are fine no matter what the subject. As a result, I no longer feel any guilt even though I masturbate while fantasizing about Mel. If anything has come clear to me of late, it is that masturbation is a wonderful thing to be enjoyed fully without guilt. I love the feeling of my fingers in my pussy, the slickness of my juices and the firmness of my clit. I love the way I can tease myself with my orgasms and allow the pressure to build until I can do nothing but surrender to the incredible feeling that engulfs me as I let my body and my hands take over as I become a willing spectator to my own pleasure.

Still, I can’t help but wonder if my masturbation isn’t also an attempt to help me resist my “non-fantasy” feelings for Mel. I also wonder if it is helping or making them worse. Either way, I’m not about to give it up and see it as the most totally positive development in my life in many a year.

Now, as if my struggle and confusion with my feelings for Mel weren’t enough, I have begun to suspect something else more and more over the past 11 days. The thought that has crept into my mind and grown stronger and more certain is that Margaret had more than I originally thought to do with this. I mean, obviously, my sessions with her were what helped build my esteem, helped me realize a new found power and enabled me to enjoy my sexuality in an exciting and wonderful new way. Of that, there is no doubt. I am so grateful to her for these things. She literally changed my life through them. But that isn’t what I am beginning to suspect. As time passes and the last session gets further and further away, an awful feeling has crept into my mind that these feelings I have for Mel, and the fantasies as well, might not simply be me discovering something that was hidden in the deeper recesses of my mind. I beginning to wonder if she might have done something to actually plant these thoughts in my mind and that is a chilling thought indeed.

Suppose I really don’t have any lesbian tendencies. Suppose that Margaret planted these thoughts in my mind without my knowledge or consent. And, worse yet, suppose Mel and Margaret worked up this plan together to turn me into a lesbian. As crazy as it sounds, this would explain why these feelings seem to have come out of nowhere. It would explain the free lessons and it would explain the feeling I got that Mel was, in a way, subtly coming on to me like when she caressed her breasts and squeezed her nipples. The incredible vision of that isn’t something that will soon disappear from my mind. This is yet another reason I am not about to return for another session any time soon.

These suspicions, on top of my guilt, shame and confusion have really got me upset. Still, as rational and plausible as this might seem on one hand, I am doing my best not to take them seriously and chalking it up to a mild case of paranoia. You see, these feelings I have for Mel and the incredible orgasms I experience with my fantasies are entirely too genuine to be anything but real. I don’t know that much about hypnosis but I think I am smart enough to tell the difference between real and implanted ideas. Non-the-less, this nagging thought isn’t making things any more comfortable for me. Despite this paranoia, I still crave another session with Margaret. They made me feel so good and part of me keeps nagging at me reminding me that they are good for me and that I really should make an appointment for another session.

Yet, because I know for certain that hypnosis is where this whole lesbian thing began, I know just as certainly that I will not find the answers there. In fact, the longer I am away from the last session, the more I am convinced that, despite my desire for more, that the hypnosis sessions are the source of this struggle of mine so I will not see Margaret and I will not see Mel again until I can gain control of these feelings and understand them and resolve the conflicts that are making me such an emotional wreck. It breaks my heart to say that, but I am afraid of what I might do if I was with Mel and I am afraid of what might happen if I have another session with Margaret. I really appreciate her but I have lost some of my trust in her. So I am absolutely staying strong and resisting both. Thank goodness it is getting easier by the day to do so.

Yesterday and today have been the most remarkable days of this entire journey of discovery and the first days I have honestly felt like I was getting back in control of my emotions and that a resolution was not far away. It also has been two of the most intense passion filled days I ever have experienced. You know how discovery often comes in a flash of sudden recognition? You will struggle and struggle with a problem seeing no light at the end of the tunnel then all of a sudden the answer hits you and suddenly it all seems so simple? Well, I think all my solitude and contemplation have provided that kind of brilliant insight. I will confess, it took a little outside stimulus but I see that more as the catalyst than the cause. Regardless, even though I have not resolved my conflicts I am confident the solution lies just ahead and I am so looking forward to understanding what has been happening to me and getting these crazy feelings back under control.

Everything continued as a struggle with no hope in sight until yesterday morning around 10 when the phone rang. I waited to hear who it was and when I heard Margaret’s voice telling me to pick up the phone, I did so without hesitation. I wasn’t obeying, don’t get me wrong. At exactly the same moment she was telling me to pick up the phone, I decided the best thing to do was to pick up the receiver and tell her not to call and that I would let her know if and when I was ready for another session. I am so glad I made that decision. Hearing her voice and talking to her was the most comforting and reassuring thing I have experienced since our last session. I immediately felt at ease and glad to have the opportunity to talk with her again. Thankfully I didn’t get in her face right away about not calling again. Instead I chose to listen to what she had to say. She told me she had been thinking about me and that she wanted more than anything else to be available to help me find the answers I was seeking. It was so affirming to hear how much she cared for me.

We only talked for a couple of minutes at most but in that conversation, I suddenly realized so clearly that the answers lie within me and my subconscious and that the easiest way; in fact the only way to really access them was through hypnosis. Looking back, as obvious as it is to me now, I feel kind of silly I didn’t recognize this before. Still, that’s how life works and I, for one, am thrilled. Besides, I have had that nagging feeling all along that I needed another wonderful, relaxing, empowering session with Margaret and now that I realize that this is the best way to make some real progress at resolving these conflicts at the same time, I am feeling so much more positive about everything. Sweet person that she is, she even bumped some clients and is seeing me tomorrow morning. It feels like a real breakthrough to me.

That wasn’t all of it though, Journal. Actually it was more like the beginning of an incredible day. Yesterday was truly full of surprises, breakthroughs and intense experiences. I was so excited to have come to the understandings that I did in my brief conversation with Margaret that I actually got a little disoriented and lost more than an hour somewhere. I got off the phone and went to get my coat to get to my hair appointment, glanced at my watch and suddenly realized it was 11:30 and not a few minutes after 10. I am a very detail oriented person and could have sworn Margaret called almost precisely at 10 but there it was and I had missed my appointment. It really took me off guard for a second but then, just as quickly I realized it wasn’t such a big deal at all. There are any number of rational explanations for the missing time. I could have read my watch wrong before the call. The watch could have stopped then caught up. Everyone knows time simply doesn’t disappear like that. Besides, in a way, I was glad I didn’t have to go to the beauty salon because right then I had another really important revelation. It was another breakthrough actually, along with a great idea. An important idea and my hair appointment would have simply gotten in the way and that would have really been frustrating because this was one of those ideas that just couldn’t wait.

Finally realizing where I would find my answers was breakthrough number one. Breakthrough number two was when I realized that in all this time, I hadn’t once looked into what lesbianism was like. Sure, I had done a little research about masturbation on the net and felt better for it but I had avoided looking into lesbianism. I am pretty certain I am not a lesbian but I am, at least, very confused about my feelings toward Mel. Anyway, I realized I am an intelligent and open minded woman and yet for some reason I had avoided learning anything about these feelings that have haunted me for the better part of a month. Right then, I had a great idea, an idea so out of left field, so unlike me, that if I hadn’t thought of it myself, I wouldn’t have believed it. I decided right there that I would do a little research and learn something about the lesbian experience and I even knew how I was going to do it.

The best way to accomplish that was as simple as can be. I got out the yellow pages, found the adult bookstore that was in the safest neighborhood, put on one of my “fun” wigs and sunglasses and headed out the door returning with two videos and a vibrator. Talk about liberated! I was more than a little embarrassed and tentative as I entered the store but knew this was an important step in my growth so I quickly picked out two videos that interested me most and headed for the counter. That’s when I saw the vibrators and decided that, since I was already there and didn’t have one, why not try one. I chose a “pocket rocket”, paid the cashier and headed back home quite proud of myself for this latest accomplishment.

Upon arriving home, I dug in the kitchen for a new Duracell battery (I know better than to use those cheap batteries they include with anything) opened the pocket rocket and nervously made my way to the bedroom with my newly acquired possessions. I felt almost like I was sneaking and doing something naughty, which made the experience even more electrifying. I had chosen an all girl lesbian video and an all female masturbation video. I decided to start with my fantasy and watch the masturbation video first.

There was no plot, just 6 different women undressing and masturbating to orgasm. Some were filmed as if no one was watching and some of the women interacted with the camera woman. I sat on the bed mesmerized at what I was seeing. I had never seen anything like it before, except in my fantasy about Mel of course. As I sat, fully clothed on the edge of my bed watching this beautiful small breasted blonde woman play with herself, I found myself becoming incredibly aroused. I felt myself moisten and felt my clit engorge itself. I had watched a porn tape with Andy once of a man and a woman together and it was arousing but it couldn’t compare to the unbelievable arousal I felt as I watched this woman rub her clit with her fingers. I quickly stripped off my clothes and lay back on the bed and lustfully slid my hand onto my moist pussy, never taking my eyes off her pussy. I quickly felt like coming but held back, teasing myself, needing desperately to let go but wanting to wait for my electronic partner. My pussy lips grew swollen, my juices flowed. I was sloppy wet. I felt so incredibly womanly and sexual. My clit ached and demanded to be rubbed to release, not softly but passionately. Still, I held back, waiting. Finally I heard a subtle almost guttural change in her moans.. saw a shift in her tempo and knew it was time as I felt my own orgasm take over. I heard the same grunting sigh come from my throat and we came together and in incredible shuddering orgasm.

As my orgasm subsided, I could only hear myself gasping “Wow…. Wow.. Oh my God!” I knew my fantasies were incredibly arousing and have felt more arousal from them than anything before but I never dreamed, never imagined actually watching a video of a woman masturbating could be so overwhelmingly erotic. I paused the video and regained my composure then decided to watch the next one. This was a large breasted brunette and she had brought along her toys. I decided to join her and give my pocket rocket a try. I turned it on and touched it to my clit. When the vibrator first touched my sensitive clit, I jumped so hard, I almost fell off the bed. Gawd was it intense. It felt great but I found I had to put it to the side of my clit.. on my lips to start with until I got adjusted to the intense feelings. What an amazing feeling! And I thought I had experienced the most intense feelings possible. The pocket rocket opened me up to a whole new level of intensity and soon I was holding that pocket rocket hard against my clit, my body was stiff as a board, toes pointed and shaking and I was lost in an orgasm beyond what I ever thought possible. I actually thought I might die of the pleasure but refused to stop even if I did. Finally, it released me and I pulled the vibrator away and sunk into the bed, totally spent.

I was exhausted, happy, glowing and exhausted. I turned of the video and took a long shower, dried off and put on my robe and padded off to the kitchen to get a salad.

After about an hour, of relaxing and enjoying the afterglow, I became curious about the other video and headed in to check it out. Of course, I expected to be aroused by the video of the women masturbating. After all, that was my fantasy. I wasn’t a sure what my reaction might be to the lesbian video however.

Unlike the other video, this one had short scenes. Not exactly a plot but something approaching one anyway. In this one the women again were quite attractive as well but as they stripped and began engaging in sex, it seemed more like the scenes in the video I watched with Andy. It lacked the sensitivity and the realism I had hoped for. Their gestures and movements seemed a little too much like acting for me. Still, I was fascinated and continued watching and did feel a spark of arousal despite my disappointment. The camera angle kept changing till finally one of the women lowered her head between the other woman’s legs and the camera panned in so I could get a good view of her tongue gently lapping this beautiful trimmed pussy. I was fascinated as I saw her clit sticking out begging to be licked and interested in the shape of her lips as compared to mine. As I watched her licking her partner and gently flicking the extended clit with the tip of her tongue, I felt my own arousal rise once again. Then all of a sudden, I began to fantasize that that was Mel’s tongue doing the licking and my clit being licked.

Now, I have always loved having my pussy licked, what woman hasn’t and Andy and the rest of the men I have had have given it their best, I’m sure, but I know, none of them ever licked my pussy like that woman was licking that pussy. As I sit on the edge of the bed, my robe fell open, my legs spread and my hand once again found its way to my awaiting clit only this time I didn’t wait for them to come. I wanted to get off watching this scene before it ended. My fingers were rubbing my clit, urging my orgasm onward. I was getting close when suddenly the woman with tongue on the clit pulled away and in what seemed like one swift move, the women on the screen reversed positions. The camera zoomed back in only this time the licker with her beautifully shaved pussy became the lickee. All of a sudden my fantasy had reversed itself. As silly as it sounds, it really was like that and for a moment I didn’t know what to do. Did I want to have an orgasm fantasizing what it was like to be licking a pussy? Was I ready for that? The moment of uncertainty passed as the fantasy image of my tongue flicking Mel’s clit sent me over the edge to yet another powerful orgasm. Damn right I wanted to!

“Wow… that was interesting”, I thought as I straightened out myself and turned off the TV. I certainly hadn’t expected THAT, but still, I knew it was just another part of my fantasy world and not to be confused with real life.

Yesterday was a real breakthrough day for me as you can see. I really slept soundly for the first time in a while last night filled with hope that I finally might be able to resolve these conflicts and establish some control in my life once again.

I awoke this morning feeling a relaxed if not a little strange after yesterday’s masturbation fest but still buoyed by the fact I’m seeing Margaret tomorrow and that I’m finally going to get some answers, some resolution to my emotional turmoil. I also feel quite proud of the initiative I showed yesterday in deciding to explore my feelings and fantasies and the subject of lesbianism more by doing something so uncharacteristic as going to an adult bookstore and buying those videos and a vibrator. Somehow I think Margaret would be proud of me as well. An added bonus is the fact that I found them so arousing. Between you and me, Journal, I can say with confidence that both the videos and the vibrator will become a regular part of my masturbation ritual. What a liberating and, at the same time, delightfully naughty thought.

Still, everything that occurred yesterday didn’t quite prepare me for what happened today. In fact, I still don’t know what to make of it. Hopefully, I can make sense of it tomorrow when I visit Margaret.

Yesterday afternoon, once I had finished my “research” (was done masturbating), I called Audrey, my beautician and apologized profusely for missing my appointment and asked when she could get me in. She was so sweet; she said she understood and that I was the only client who had never missed an appointment before so it was no big deal. She said she could get me in today at 11.

Missing yesterday’s appointment was a fluke for sure. I’ll probably never know what happened to the missing hour and a half yesterday but there is no excuse for what happened today. If it weren’t for the fact I am seeing Margaret tomorrow, I would be more troubled than I am because I know she can help me find the answer to what happened today.

It was 10:30 when the phone rang as I was putting on the finishing touches to my makeup in preparation for heading off to my hair appointment. I screened the call as usual and suddenly heard Mel’s voice. My heart leapt with excitement and joy and I desperately wanted to pick up the phone and talk to her but I resisted. I ran to the phone and stood there listening to her wonderful voice, hanging on every word like a love struck teenager. She said she was just calling to see how I was and to let me know she missed me and thought of me all the time. My heart raced when I heard those words I so desperately needed to hear. At least I wasn’t the only one. Then she said she would be there for me whenever I was ready or if I needed her for anything. Little did she know how totally I needed her. It took all my willpower not to pick up that receiver and tell her I needed her right then. Then she said something very strange. It wasn’t something you would expect a person to say but in a strange way I almost felt like it was something I was looking for. Either way, it really caught me off guard. She said she wanted to tell me something and to make sure I listened very carefully. I knew right away this was important and that I must listen carefully and focused even more intently. Then she said very clearly pronouncing each word fully, “If passion is your pleasure, pursue your passion”. There was a brief pause then she followed it with “I love you” and hung up.

I don’t exactly know what it was about that call or those words but, as she spoke them, I felt as if I was struck by a thunderbolt of passion. There was something about those words, like I had been waiting to hear them, wanting to hear them from the moment she started speaking. Hearing her tell me she missed me and was thinking of me made my heart sing but those words at the end were special. I don’t know why but they were so very special. The moment she hung up, there was only one thing on my mind, masturbation. Those words were so arousing, I had to masturbate and I had to masturbate right then. Up until that moment, when I felt the urge I had always been able to choose when to satisfy my craving and could delay it if the situation required but there was no ignoring this need. Thank goodness I wasn’t in public because I have no idea what I would have done. I have never felt so compelled to do anything before.

I made a beeline for the bedroom shedding my clothing as I went. I finished stripping and slipped in the masturbation video, tossed the pillows together and lay back, spread my legs and slid my fingers into my pussy only to find I had already lubricated myself completely. My clit cried out for release as I began rubbing with my middle two fingers on just the right spot. I focused on the woman in the video as she worked her clit in much the same way I was. Amazingly, she suddenly looked almost exactly like Mel. I thought I had the video set to the small breasted blonde woman again but seeing the image of Mel on the TV made it all the more exciting. The camera zoomed in for a close up of her fingers as she rubbed her clit and my rhythm began to match hers. The squishing sound of my fingers in my pussy inflamed me further and everything in my world disappeared except for Mel on the TV and the feeling in my pussy. It was so intense and I lost myself in the moment. I became my pussy and I felt myself joining with Mel on the TV and completely abandoned myself to my lust letting orgasm after orgasm wash over me after until I collapsed completely spend and lay there enjoying the afterglow and gently caressing my completely spent womanhood.

As I regained my composure, I realized how much of an effect Mel had over me. I had been struggling with these feelings for her but never in my wildest dreams did I realize just hearing her voice would compel me in such a dramatic way. Even more bizarre, the minute I heard Mel’s message any thought of the hair appointment had disappeared from my mind lost in the lust that overtook me. That is simply not me. Once again I had that “I’m losing control” feeling and felt the uneasiness grow.

This wasn’t the end of it though, Journal. What followed was odder still. I phoned Audrey and dealt with that humiliation of a second consecutive missed appointment and rescheduled for next week. Given today and yesterday, I decided I would wait until well after my appointment with Margaret to try again. I then set about my housework as I contemplated the events of this morning. It’s crazy but I long for her more now than before the phone call. Hearing her voice made me realize just how profound my feelings have become for her. It is both exhilarating and deeply troubling at the same time. That hasn’t changed, just intensified in both regards.

As I thought of Mel and the phone call, I tried to remember the words she spoke at the end and realized I couldn’t. I remembered it was something about passion and pursuit but, I guess because of the way they affected me, the exact words escaped me. I did remember she ended by saying “I love you” and those words make my heart sing even as I write them now.

I spent the next couple of hours going over Mel’s call and what followed, trying to understand why she has this effect on me. Since it was what she said at the last that had the greatest effect on me, I decided I had to know what those words were if I was going to fully understand what happened to me. Besides, I also wanted to listen to the message one more time simply so I could hear Mel’s voice again. I wanted to hear her wonderful words of encouragement and hear he tell me she loves me. So, with burning curiosity, I took a pad and pencil and sat down to listen to her message once more. This time I would write what she said at the end down so as not to forget it. As I got ready to start the recording, I also noticed a definite apprehension, a genuine nervousness about listening as well. I shrugged it off and clicked the play button on the answering machine. Once again Mel’s words and her voice filled my heart with a mixture of longing and passion. I felt my stomach tighten nervously as the end of the message approached and I sat ready with my pencil. Then came her instructions, “Mare, I want to say something to you and I want you to listen very carefully”. Once again I felt my attention focus even more intently as I waited for what she was going to say next. I also noticed a very noticeable twinge in my clit. Then came the words I couldn’t recall and I quickly jotted them down as she spoke. “If passion is your pleasure, pursue your passion.”

About half way through that phrase, it suddenly dawned on me what I had done and what was coming next. I think at some level I knew it would happen and even looked forward to it and perhaps even convinced myself to listen again just so it would happen. Anyway, happen it did. No sooner had the message concluded then I felt that incredible rush of overwhelming lust and an irresistible need to masturbate and couldn’t get to the bedroom fast enough. As I write this, I am still amazed at the single-mindedness of purpose I felt at that moment. The only thing on my mind was getting my fingers into my pussy and enjoying the image of Mel masturbating before me on the video while I surrendered to my passion for her and my need for release.

My hands trembled as I set up the video and propped myself up on my pillows. I reached over to the nightstand and grabbed my pocket rocket, turned it on and didn’t even mess with working my way up to direct contact with my clit. Not this girl and not this time. I set it directly on my clit and focused in on the video, felt the rest of the world slip away and just let the incredible feelings take over. I simply gave up all control to my lust and didn’t hold back anything. I even heard myself talking. I don’t know if I was talking to myself or the likeness of Mel on the video. All I know is I just heard myself talking saying how good it felt and how much I loved touching my pussy and much it turned me on watching her touch herself. I swear I sounded like a woman possessed and perhaps at that moment I was. I know I have come to love my pussy and I know I have also come to love masturbating but never before have I openly spoken those feelings. Honestly, it felt damn good.

My orgasms came quickly and came often and once again convulsed me until I simply couldn’t continue and I had to turn off the vibrator and fling it aside. It was almost like if I kept it near, I might have to use it some more. Now I am beginning to wonder if I am even in control of my masturbation any more or if it is beginning to control me. One thing for sure, when it comes to this aspect of my sexuality, the last vestiges of my former restrained self are quickly being stripped away.

I dozed off for about two hours and awoke feeling very much spent physically, mentally and completely relaxed. As I thought about the effect the message had had on me the second time, I realized that, regardless of how incredible if felt there was something totally overpowering about it and that perhaps I better give it a rest. I’m someone that doesn’t want to be controlled and something about that message felt like it was controlling me. I got up and walked directly to the answering machine, paused for a moment as I felt this strange desire to play Mel’s message once again, then realizing that was exactly why I had to do this, I hit the erase button. Instantly I felt relief and sadness at the same time. Interestingly, I checked the video a little later to see if it really was Mel on that video and realized that that the woman I masturbated with didn’t look a thing like Mel. Not sure what it means but I guess fantasies can do amazing things.

Well Journal, as you can see, things have definitely intensified in the past two days. It has been a time of significant breakthroughs. First the call from Margaret and my realization that the answers to my emotional turmoil lie within my subconscious and that hypnosis is the only way to make the discoveries necessary to resolve them. Then the oh so pleasant breakthrough and accompanying pleasure as I began to look into the lesbian experience through the videos along with the expanded pleasure I discovered with my new toy. And finally, the message from Mel, which I still don’t quite understand except to know that something is going on between Mel and me and I am not even remotely in control of it. It is both intoxication and damn scary at the same time. It is something that fills me with joy and passion and lust and, yes, even love while still haunting me alternately with guilt and shame and confusion and, after what happened today, even a little fear.

Thank goodness I am seeing Margaret tomorrow. I just know I am going to get some answers.

TO BE CONTINUED