That Can’t Be Right
by Pan
Inspired by Kris P. Kreme’s “My, How You’ve Changed”.
“Meg? Meg Fortescue? Is that you?”
“Edward?”
“Oh my god! It’s been so long.”
“I can’t believe it. I haven’t seen you since…god, highschool?”
“Graduation day! I remember, you gave me a quick blowjob with your robes on. One of my fondest memories.”
“What?? I did no such thing.”
“Whoa! Calm down, Meg—it’s okay. I never told anyone about it.”
“But…I didn’t do that. I’ve never done anything like that. I didn’t even lose my virginity until my second year of college.”
“Megan, I don’t want to argue, but you definitely did. You were known all over school as the Queen of BJs.”
“I most certainly was not! I only went down on you that one time, it wasn’t like it was something I did for everyone. It was…it was a special occasion.”
“Haha, it sure was.”
“It was fun, but I have no idea where you got the idea that I was the…the ‘queen of blowjobs’.”
“Well, I mean…that’s what your flyers used to say.”
“Flyers?”
“Oh yeah. It’s only been five years—I’m surprised you don’t remember. You were so proud of your oral skills, you made those flyers and distributed them all around the school.”
“Edward, I did no such thing! What an insane suggestion. I was the Queen of Blowjobs—I didn’t need to advertise. Everyone knew that if they came to me, I’d go down on them, no questions asked. Why would I bother putting time and money into printing flyers?”
“I did wonder that. I always guessed it was to attract teachers—god, was there a single teacher at that school you didn’t blow?”
“Edward, I know it’s been a while, but I’m really worried about your memory. You know I would never perform oral sex on a teacher—it was clearly marked at the top of my flyers. ‘Queen of BJs: Students only’. There wasn’t a single student I wouldn’t go down on, but a teacher? Ew. That’s just gross.”
“I guess we’re remembering it differently.”
“I suppose. What have you been up to since school?”
“Well, after walking on you fucking our math teacher, I realized how much potential there was in education. I’m a professor now, over at the local college.”
“Oh that’s great! Although I’m afraid you must be misremembering—I would never fuck a teacher. Like I said, it wasn’t until college that I lost my virginity. No, I just used to blow them.”
“For better grades?”
“No, just for fun. My grades were already pretty good.”
“Really? I always thought…”
“What?”
“Oh, I don’t want to say it.”
“Go on. I promise I won’t be offended.”
“Well, I remember you being…a bit dumb, I guess. You were always giggling and playing with your hair, and it was obvious that you cared way more about your social life than you did about school.”
“Wow.”
“You did promise not to be offended.”
“Well, apparently my mouth wrote a check that the rest of me won’t cash. That’s a pretty fucking insulting thing to say.”
“I’m sorry, I really am.”
“God, what a shitty thing to say. I’m really annoyed about this—you were probably just jealous that I only ever fucked our math teacher, and not you.”
“What? Meg, we used to fuck all the time.”
“Oh! Did we? That’s…that’s not what I remember. Sorry! (giggle) I get confused sometimes.”
“Aw, I can’t stay mad at you.”
“Why not?”
“It’s a phrase, Meg.”
“Oh! (giggle)”
“Anyway, I promise I’m not mad.”
“That’s okay! It’s so weird that I can’t remember fucking you. I remember fucking the math guy. We used to fuck all the time. He taught numbers!”
“He sure did.”
“I was never good at numbers, but I’m real good at fucking!”
“I know you are. You used to fuck everyone in school.”
“No way!”
“Yes way.”
“No way!”
“I promise, you did.”
“That can’t be right! I only remember fucking you.”
“And the math teacher.”
“Oh yeah! I forgot about him. (giggle)”
“Oh yeah, you were a total slut. You used to fuck anyone who wanted it—guy or girl.”
“Ewww! (giggle)”
“What?”
“I would never fuck a girl, silly! How would that even work? I don’t have a…you know. A thingy.”
“Haha, you definitely used to make it work.”
“No waaaay. I only fucked guys. I was real good at fucking! I fucked every guy in the school.”
“And the girls.”
“Are you sure?”
“I’m pretty sure, yeah.”
“Huh! I know I’m not the brightest…thing. In the thing. But I reckon you mighta got something mixed up there, mister!”
“No, I distinctly remember. For my birthday one year, you organized a threesome with you and your best friend.”
“Cyndi?”
“That’s right!”
“Well now I know you’re wrong, because Cyndi doesn’t even like boys. She’s a total gay! She was the first girl I fucked, and she was sooooo good at it that I didn’t stop. Cyndi is real good at fucking girls. Just like me!”
“That must be why you guys moved in together after high school.”
“Wrongggg! You’re such a dummy, dummy. After high school I went to college, and then I moved in with my husband! It was tough giving up the threesomes but Cyndi understood.”
“Think about what you’re saying, Meg.”
“What?”
“You? At college? Does that sound right?”
“Ummmmm…”
“And you definitely don’t have a husband. If you did, why would you be meeting me here for a date?”
“Okay maybe I was lying about college, but I definitely have a husband. Don’t I?”
“Nope.”
“But…but…”
“It’s okay, Meg. It seems like Cyndi is running late for our threesome. Do you have her number?”
“Ummmm…I think I have it somewhere.”
“Here, why don’t you give me your phone?”
“Okay! Phones are hard. (giggle)”
“Hello, Cyndi? It’s Edward—from school. I know, it’s Meg’s phone. We’re catching up—we were just talking about you, and she suggested I give you a call. You should come down to the bar on fifth, we’re sort of having an impromptu reunion of sorts.
“Well heck, of course you can bring your girlfriend…”