The Erotic Mind-Control Story Archive

Doctors Diary August 3, 2020

There are those who look at Psycho James and say he is nothing more than an evil manipulative asshole who gets pleasure at everyone else’s expense with no guilt or remorse. They are correct. Yet deep underneath the sexist, violent, crude, offensive, and hateful nature of Psycho James lies another side of him that is merely repulsive.

But despite all those positive, for a Conceptian, traits he does have a tender side to him, although he’ll probably kill you if you mention it. Perhaps the most noticeable aspect of this side is his relationship with Deborah. To many who first meet them, it seems as though she is nothing more than a walking cum rag to him. If you pointed this out, he would even heartily agree with you. However, there are little things, infinitesimal clues that shows that he had deeper feelings for the black haired nurse. For one, no matter how many times he cheats on her, he always keeps her around; he never seems to get bored with her. For another, despite him liking to play bondage with her, and despite all this threats to her, he has never raised his hand to deliver actual physical harm against her. Also, he tended to fly into a jealous rage whenever another man looked at her sexually, and flew into a violent rage if she was ever threatened by another’s violence.

Perhaps one day, when the psycho energy is drained and the breach in reality is properly sealed, then they would become a normal loving couple. But then, I am a sap that way.

Twisted Concepts: The Curse of the Animated Anomaly

Part 4

June 7, 2008

The Doctor stared at the McDonald’s building, as did his other companions. Something was not right, the place was much too colorful, and big. In further fact, if you wanted a better description, one would say they were looking at a large palace ripped off from some kind of Disney movie. The only way you could tell it was a McDonalds in the first place was because someone had stuck the golden arches on top of all of the place’s spires.

“Hold on a fucking minute. Now this could just be a result of the fat bag of crack I smoked in the van an hour ago, but do any of you see a big ass cartoon castle right here.” Psycho James asked.

There was a chorus of agreement.

“Ah, good, that’s a relief. Hey Doc, I thought this cartoon shit was only happening to living things?”

“It looks like whatever is causing it must have gotten an upgrade.” The Doctor shrugged.

“Son of a bitch.”

“On the plus side, we’re on his tail now. All we have to do if follow the very obvious trail.”

“No shit Doc. Ah fuck it, I’m hungry. Medieval Mickey D’s or not, I’m getting me a quarter pounder.”

They all went inside, even Psycho Bill, who was on a leash. The people behind the counters inside all looked like rejected characters out of an Animaniacs cartoon. Psycho James began to order his meal, after he asked for each item, there was a furious blur and it appeared on the tray in a split second. It was impossibly fast service for McDonalds; then again, a five-minute wait was usually impossibly fast service for McDonalds. The cashier than started pressing buttons on the register so fast that smoke was coming off of it.

“That will be five cents sir.”

“Hey, maybe having the world turned into a cartoon won’t be such a bad thing.” He grinned, flipping a nickel and pinging it off of the cashier’s head. He took a sip of his milkshake and spat it into the cashier’s face. “What the hell is this shit? If this is the quality of food I can expect out of this cartoon hellhole, then we have to stop it.”

The Doctor grabbed the shake and took a sip from it. “Actually, this is what a McDonalds milkshake usually tastes like.”

“Really? No shit?”

“I think I’ll just have a glass of water and a salad.” Deborah asked the cashier. Once again the fingers flew and smoke billowed out.

“That will be two point five billion dollars, would you like to take out a loan?”

Psycho James grabbed the cash register and smashed it over the cashiers head, sending her down for the count with a lot of birdies swirling around her noggin.

“James!” Deborah screamed scandalized.

“She’s a fucking cartoon, what the hell does she care? And the name is Psycho James you forgetful cunt.”

A muffled ‘Would you like fries with that’ came from the floor.

“What the hell is up with this place anyway? If some jerkoff is turning everything into a cartoon, why didn’t he turn the people here into Ronald McDonald and his other faggot commercial characters? Why the lame ass WB rejects and Sleeping Beauty motif?”

“Would you want to eat in a place where your fries talk to you and some goblin-like freak in old fashioned jail stripes keeps trying to swipe your burger?” The Doctor pointed out.

“Ah, I suppose that makes sense. Still, the least he could have done was create a Grimace so I could finally ask the purple blob just what the hell it’s supposed to be.”

“That’s not really the issue here...”

“I’ll say it’s a goddam issue! We’ve got people with hamburgers for heads, talking nuggets, colorful wads of fries with legs, and an assortment of people and birds all easily recognizable, and then they throw in a giant retarded purple blob. What the fuck is up with that, he looks like a reject from the Barney show!”

About that time, someone came out that did not fit with the same theme as the other cartoon employees. It was a girl, seemingly seventeen or eighteen, with hot cock pounding attractiveness wrapped up in a package of ‘G’ rated innocence. She was mopping the floor and humming. Oddly enough, she seemed to be accompanied by an invisible orchestra that added to her humming. Much to Psycho James’ dismay, she began to sing.

Some day my boss will come

Some day in the bright new sun

And he will surely say

Why work so hard this day

And he’ll send me Awaaaaaay!

Some day...

“God dammit bitch, would you stop singing. No one wants to hear your cheesy ripped off bullshit!” Psycho James screamed.

The mop girl froze and looked completely scandalized, her ‘G’ rating seriously offended by his words.

“Mister, you should be ashamed of yourself, what if the children...”

“What fucking children? I’ll talk however I damn well please you mop whore! You seriously need to get laid, maybe I should bend you over this table and...”

“What our expressive friend it trying to say,” The Doctor cut in. “Is that we would like to know if you have seen any suspicious people around lately?”

“No we wouldn’t, this slut is a cartoon, why the hell would she know anything dumbass?”

“Because she seems much more levelheaded that the other characters around here, so back off please. Now then dear, back to my question?”

The girl was still recovering from her bout of mortification. “Oh no, because I am but a simple and attractive working girl who is waiting for the man of my dreams to swoop me away from drudgery with a kiss of true love and then we can live happily ever after.” She sighed.

“Oh great, she’s a Disney based chick.”

“What does that mean?” Deborah asked.

“Women in Disney cartoons are basically eye candy for the theatre going adult male. The later Disney movies have the girls taking on a more assertive and feministic role, but in the end they usually still end up relying on their male love interest. Granted, they did get this recurring theme mainly from the old fairy tales that they raped, nevertheless its still cut and paste.”

“Could be worse, she could be from a Disney direct to DVD sequel.” Ron pointed out.

The Doctor shuddered. “Spare me that agony.”

“As interesting as this bullshit debate is...”

Oh whistle as I mop

Do do do do do

I wet the floor

Do it some more

And wipe until I dr....OOF

The attractive Disney mop girl crumpled onto her shiny floor as Psycho James’ fist smashed across her jaw.

“I told you to stop fucking singing!”

“We were trying to get some information out of her.” The Doctor scolded.

“Screw you.”

They picked the girl up and dumped some of Deborah’s 2 billion dollar water on her face. The girl remained unconscious.

“Oh great, you killed her.” Ron muttered.

“Bill kill good!” Psycho Bill cried happily.

“Not you.” Ron corrected.

“I did not kill the bitch, I just gave her a brief love tap. The slut shouldn’t even be unconscious, what a fucking lightweight.”

“Ah, I think I know what is going on here.” The Doctor pondered. “By your attitude, you have established yourself as the villain. The villain in a Disney cartoon will often do something to the heroine that causes her to fall asleep until she receives loves first kiss.”

“That’s pretty damn stupid. If she’s asleep, how will she know if it’s a kiss from some guy she loves?”

“Uh?”

“Ah, screw it, I’ll wake up the bitch and get some action in the process.” Psycho James leaned down to fondle the girls tits and give her some tongue action.

“It won’t work. You’re the villain, so you can’t kiss her awake. Also, since this is Disney, the villain should be too stupid to take sexual advantage of the helpless maiden in their grasp.”

“What kind of fucked up logic is that?”

“Because the bodies of the Disney girls are supposed to draw in adult men, but the overall plot is intended for grade schoolers. So someone else is going to have to kiss her awake.”

“Alright, you heard him Deborah, get kissing and make it hot. I want to see some tongue.”

“Me, but I...”

“Oh, quit your damn bellyaching. I’m not asking you to eat her pussy...yet, all you have to do is kiss her. It’s no worse than the threesomes I have you participate in.”

“I’m not sure that will...” The Doctor tried to cut in but was ignored.

“Fuck off Doc. Now kiss her dammit.”

Deborah leaned down and gave the unconscious girl a lingering kiss. She did not wake up.

“You’re not trying hard enough, now French her.”

“I told you, it isn’t going to work.” The Doctor yelled. “This is a Disney character, and Disney frowns on lesbians, just ask Ellen Degeneres. So naturally some girl/girl action isn’t going to break the curse.”

“We’ll see about that, Deborah, take off your panties and sit on her face.”

“We’re wasting our time Psycho James. Let’s just have someone else kiss her and get this over with.”

“Oh fine. Ron, get to it.”

“What about me? I wouldn’t mind reviving her.” The Doctor protested.

“Because you don’t have a fucking face, that’s why.”

“I do to have a face, see, its right on my head.” The Doctor pointed and Psycho James looked everywhere but directly where he was pointing.

“I’m still not seeing it.” He said, far from convinced.

“It’s a moot point anyway guys, Ron is already kissing her.” Deborah interrupted.

“That was quick of him.” The Doctor said.

“What did you expect? When the only pussy you manage to get is what you can scrape off of the windshield of your car, wouldn’t you jump at the opportunity for some fresh meat?”

Ron ignored all of this as he slobbered all over the unconscious toon. He hadn’t had an opportunity like this since that one time he had attempted to set up a taxi service and ended up molesting one of his passengers who had fainted in the back. He was just about to reach down and grope one of the cartoon’s breasts when a light enveloped her, forcing him to jump back.

“What the hell did you do? Did you break her?” Psycho James demanded.

“Uh...”

The body rose into the air, glowing and circling around while being surrounded by a bunch of firefly type lights and cheesy triumphant music. With a brilliant flash, it all ended and a normal human girl collapsed on the freshly mopped floor with a thud and a groan.

“Hey, she’s not a god damn cartoon anymore.”

“Interesting,” The Doctor pondered. “It seems the cartoons are obeying the rules of their specific type and genre. Since she was obviously a Disney fairy tale maiden, by kissing her it broke her enchantment. In this case, her being a toon was included as a part of the enchantment.”

“If it’s that easy, taking care of the rest should be a snap.” Ron grinned.

“Unfortunately, I doubt it will work that way. The rest of the staff looks like something out of a zany WB cartoon. There isn’t any rule that I can think of in that type that would counteract the effect of them being cartoons.”

“Yeah, whatever, who gives a shit.” Psycho James grabbed the moaning waitress by the neck of her uniform, making sure to graze her boob in the process, he brought her up to his face. “Sleepy time is over whore, I want to know what you remember.”

“Eh, what?” The girl was obviously frightened by the deranged man yelling in her face.

“Calm down honey, you won’t get anything by traumatizing the girl.” Deborah scolded. “What he means is that he wants to know who turned you into a cartoon.”

“Ca...cartoon? I’m not a cartoon, that’s crazy. I...I was cleaning out the garbage cans just a, uh, minute ago when this nerdy guy accompanied by a policewoman aimed this weird looking watergun at me. The next thing I know, that man...” She pointed at Ron. “Was drooling all over my face and this other psycho was yelling at me. Please, don’t hurt me.”

“Ah shit, this is useless.” Psycho James dropped her. “At least we have a description. Let’s go back to the van and get the hell out of here so we can catch up with the bastard.”

“Sounds good to...hey, wait a minute, where’s Psycho Bill?” The Doctor asked.

Psycho James lifted the leash he was carrying. The strap had been gnawed through. A series of loud piercing screams came from the kitchen. By the time they ran over to investigate, the walls were covered with blood and Bill was sitting in the middle of it with a big sheepish expression.

“Bill kill good!” He said innocently, waving an arm at his friends that did not belong to him.

“Dammit Bill, don’t you have any restraint at aghththth athhtllgh tthhhh.”

“What was that?” Asked the Doctor. “I didn’t catch the end.”

“Agghth tthllthr tahhhole.”

Psycho James turned around, everyone gaped at the fourteen-inch long tongue that was hanging out of his mouth.

“Let me guess, there’s been some more disturbances.”

“Lcuughky gueetthh dummasttth.” Psycho James flipped him off.

“What can he do with a fourteen inch tongue.” The Doctor pondered.

“I can think of a couple of things.” Deborah blushed naughtily.

“We can’t understand a word he’s saying though.”

“Hey, lucky us. Now we don’t have to hear his profanity all the time.” Ron laughed.

Psycho James glared at him, pulled out his revolver, and shot him in the foot. Ron danced around on one leg.

“Shit, son of a bitch.”

“At least he can still express himself.” The Doctor noted.

Zap!

“Nameless extra. Script generation begin. You will pump our gas. You are so in awe of our greatness you won’t even think of charging us. You will live out the rest of your life being proud that you had this opportunity to serve the greater good. Script generation end.” Snapcase told the frozen, unremarkable toon gas station attendant.

He was beginning to get the hang of this cartoon changing business. He was sure there were even greater potentials that he hadn’t even thought of yet. Just the day before, after his orgy with his furry sidekick and those CGI babes, he had pondered over the problem of why he couldn’t turn inanimate things into cartoons as well. As it turned out, with a few calculations and readjustments, he discovered the problem wasn’t that difficult at all. He had just been to focused on changing people to notice before.

He had tested it out on a McDonalds where he and Kitty stopped for lunch. He had briefly considered keeping the CGI girls to add to his harem, but decided against it. Kitty’s sexual appetite was sometimes draining on him as it was without a trio of perpetually horny computer generated sluts demanding his attention. So he rewrote their scripts to go back to their school and screw anyone who had a triple digit IQ. Snapcase bet that within four months, that school would have the highest grade point average it ever had in its history. He got that warm feeling again for doing something charitable.

A station wagon pulled up to the pump behind Snapcase’s van. It was a family of four. From the looks of things, the kids were being brats and the parents were at the ends of their ropes. The adults looked relieved to have a brief rest. The father began to pump the gas while the mother ran into the station, probably to use the bathroom. Snapcase decided that he felt nice again.

Zap! Zap! Zap! Kazap!

“Christian oriented programming. Script generation begin. You all are model god-fearing citizens that enjoy helping each other and other people. You will remain cheerful and positive no matter what hardships you face. You will respect the feelings of everyone around you with a new level of understanding. Your dumpy station wagon is now a Lexis, enjoy! Script generation end.”

The change was immediate. The husband and children all became well groomed and clean cut citizens, and their beat down station wagon transformed into a fancy cartoon car. There was something missing though. About that time, the mother came out of the shop and headed for the car. Oh yes, of course.

ZAP!

Hmm, the mother was quite an attractive specimen for having two children. He debated, then gave in; after all, he had done two good deeds that day.

“Hentai matron. Script generation begin. You are a woman of vast experience in the sexual arts, with very little discrimination in partners. Your biggest turn on is to corrupt the pure and innocent to sexual debauchery, such as your family. You will sleep around with any guy, or girl, who has these qualities. If they refuse to succumb to your seduction, you have permission to use the time honored hentai method of bondage, discipline, and brainwashing to make them see your way of thinking. Before you rejoin your family and continue off on your trip, you notice that the guy leaning against the large van in front of you could use a blowjob. Script generation end.”

The woman transformed, looking pretty much like she did in life except making her eyes much larger and changing her hair color to green. Snapcase had always wondered how animes could make their chicks have blue, green, or pink hair, yet appear perfectly natural. The woman caught his eye and strolled forward, filled with purpose. He noted that her breasts did an exaggerated jiggle like in most hentai films. In moments she was standing right in front of him, her hand was firmly grasping his crotch.

“I’m going to borrow this for a few minutes sir.” She grinned wickedly. “You have my permission to enjoy it, but you don’t have a say in the matter regardless.” She gave him a squeeze.

She yanked down his pants and teased him for a little bit, giving him a handjob that was a nice mixture of pain and pleasure. She nibbled a little on the underside and used her tongue to tickle him until he was nearly mad. He cursed himself, forgetting that hentai matrons with a penchant for domination were unbearable teases. She waited until he couldn’t take anymore and then deep throated him, causing him to sigh in relief and make him hot for more. Then as he was about to bust his nut into her mouth, she pulled off and began teasing him some more. He was just about to change her script enough to get some relief, when Kitty poked her head out of the window, freshly awoke from her catnap.

“Ah, purr, Master that’s not fair, Kitty want some too!”

She jumped out of the window and landed deftly on all fours. She crawled over and began to lick the balls that the hentai matron offered her.

“Fuck, dammit, I’m going to punish you so good for this Kitty, right after I cum!” Snapcase groaned.

But she did not seem to be inclined to make him cum either, picking up the other woman’s game with ease. They slapped his hands away when he tried to reach down to take matters up on his own. He could swear that his shaft had gotten thicker since the teasing, probably from all the semen ready to fire out but wasn’t being allowed too. Although he knew it wasn’t possible, he began to fear his dick would rupture at the seams from the unrelieved load.

“Would you stop teasing already?” He shouted.

The hentai matron smirked. “I want to hear you beg us to cum. Beg like the big horny dog that you are.”

Ah, so that was the game! Snapcase was through with playing.

“Script generation begin. You love cum, you need cum, you can’t wait to drink cum and will do anything to get it as soon as possible. Script end.”

Immediately, the rhythm of their licks and strokes adjusted just slightly. Snapcase cried out as and explosion of semen burst out in great globs, squirting all over the girl’s faces. He counted about fifteen shots before it began to subside. Those girls really did know how to hold a man back.

As he leaned back against the car and relaxed, Kitty and the Matron began to fight each other. Both of them seemed to be after that last bit of cum that had landed on Kitty’s breasts. It was an interesting fight, seeing as how the matron was stronger but Kitty more animalistic. It dawned on him that when he did that last script change; it had affected the catgirl as well. He had gotten so used to her presence as a sidekick that he had forgotten that she was a cartoon that was subject to his cliché generator as well. He thought about stopping the fight, but after seeing the two hot girls rolling around attempting to lick up the last of his seed off of Kitty’s body, it caused him to have another erection.

After a few minutes, Kitty won by pinning the other woman on the ground. She let out a yowl of triumph, not yet realizing that as long as her hands were holding the other woman’s shoulders down, she would not be able to wipe the semen off of her own belly. It was a moot point considering it had already matted into her fur. The point was rendered even further moot when she felt her master lift up her swaying tail and slide himself into her from behind.

“Oh master, Kitty like, Kitty like! Give more yummy cum to Kitty!” Kitty squealed, pushing back against his penetration.

“Er, excuse me?” The husband of the sexy matron timidly walked up to the group. “Are you going to keep my wife much longer, we have a bible camp to get too?”

“Oh, sure. Kitty, release her.”

“Ahh, master, but Kitty like feeling titties on titties, meow!”

“Now Kitty.” Snapcase snapped, giving a particularly hard thrust.

“Oh alright, mew.”

The hentai matron went off grumbling to rejoin her husband and family. Snapcase was so busy enjoying his partner’s talents that he had completely forgot that he had intended to change the other woman’s script into something more normal. That family was sure to have some interesting times ahead.

After that, Snapcase managed to get about two hours of driving under his belt. Kitty insistently gave him a blowjob for about half the time until he remembered, after unloading twice in her mouth, that he hadn’t taken off her addiction yet. He fixed that so his pecker wouldn’t wilt away into nothing as she tried to suck all of the fluids out of his body. Now she seemed content to hum off key to the radio, making him think that perhaps he had been too hasty to take her away from what was keeping her mouth busy.

“Hey Master, look. Those people are awfully fast.” Kitty squealed, her nose pressed against the windshield as she looked in the side mirror.

Snapcase looked at his rearview mirror and saw a van speeding up behind them. The van caught up in a matter of seconds and quickly switched lanes to pass them. The first thing he noticed was a large painted slogan on the side advertising, “We fucked your mother.” The second thing he noticed was that some man in the back with wild hair had his face pressed against the window and seemed to be licking it while tapping the glass with a large butcher knife. The third thing he noticed was that in the front seat was a pretty black haired woman who did a double take after looking at them and was making some frantic gestures at the driver.

He barely had time to think of what that could mean when the van suddenly swerved and slammed into the side of Snapcase’s car. Kitty let out a terrified shriek as Snapcase fought to retain control of the vehicle. He managed to get straightened out again just as the van came in for another attempt. Snapcase slammed on the brakes, narrowly getting missed as the van entered the lane that he had previously occupied.

“What is these people’s problem?” He yelled as the Van hit its brakes as well, skidding along the blacktop and blocking both lanes.

“Do something master!” Kitty screamed.

“Damn right.” He pulled out his device. Funny, he didn’t think he would end up having to use the thing in self-defense.

Twenty minutes ago...

“Yes! Yes! Slide that thing around in there, I can feel it tickling my uterus!” Deborah screamed in delight, wiggling her hips for maximum penetration.

Psycho James’ face was buried between her thighs; his fourteen-inch tongue had slithered right up inside her and was exploring things that had never been explored before. Apparently, there were a few places in the vagina similar to the G-spot but were too deep for fingers to get to and out of reach for inflexible dicks. Psycho James made sure to slather all of these areas with his wiggling muscle, driving Deborah absolutely bonkers.

Since he got started, he nearly drowned a couple of times in her output and his skull was almost crushed by her squeezing thighs. Nevertheless, he found that he was enjoying himself immensely.

“Fuck! Oh god yes, slip it right there, oh fuck its sooo good!”

“Are you two about done? I’m not comfortable driving a van.” The Doctor whined, keeping them at a comparatively safe speed of only 57 mph over the limit.

“Shut up!” Deborah snapped as she humped her hips forward. “Can’t you see he’s busy.”

Ten minutes and two massive orgasms later, Psycho James emerged from her lap with a very sticky face. Droplets of female cream were dripping from his mustache onto his hanging tongue, which was still long enough to hang down past his neck. He made no attempt to clean it off.

“Bleah mebly thb whbbl.” He ordered.

“What?” Asked the Doctor.

Deborah, who was panting heavily in the seat next to him and rubbing her sated crotch lazily, answered for him.

“He said he wants the wheel.”

“Blegh booogyr rrraph blaeh bleah!”

“Oh, sorry, he said he wants the goddam wheel so get out of his fucking seat you pantywaist quack.” Deborah corrected.

“Yeah, that sounds about right.” The Doctor switched places with Psycho James, not bothering to pull the car over to the side of the road to do the switch.

Psycho James immediately floored the accelerator to add on another 50mph just to make up for lost time. Deborah began to daydream about the ultra long tongue and was feverishly trying to think of what she could use to replace it with once it either fell off or shrunk to normal size. Certain animals had pretty large tongues, she wondered if Psycho James would steal a giraffe for her.

As she was daydreaming they passed a car with a nerdy guy and a cartoon catgirl. How nice, she wondered if catgirls had tongues that could...

She bolted upright and did a double take. Sure enough, there was a catgirl.

“James! There’s a toon riding in the car next to us!”

“Brrlmm oonmm ett!” Psycho James jerked the wheel to the right and slammed into the car.

“Hey! Careful, we’re going to kill them!”

“Thrrrbts bleh pornt!” Psycho James snapped, and tried to smash into them again, incoherently cursing as he missed. The van spun and blocked the road; the car was several feet away.

Psycho Bill was laughing and hitting the glass with his butcher knife, eager to be let out so he could have some more fun that day. Deborah was about to suggest that perhaps they had gone a little too far when suddenly a strange beam shot from the car and enveloped the van.

Immediately, Deborah was overwhelmed by pastels as the van lost its hard edges and became something softer. She felt like she inside one of those brightly colored plastic children’s vehicles. The steering wheel in Psycho James’ hands puffed out and became useless. The motor stopped running and was replaced with a cheerful humming sound. Psycho James appeared seriously annoyed.

“Hi, I’m Vinny the Van!” The vehicle began to speak with them. “And I’m pleased as punch to take my passengers anywhere they would like to g...”

There seemed to be a long pause. They took the opportunity to try and get out of the van, but the doors were not cooperating. Then it began to speak, in a much less friendly tone.

“Good lord, I’m filled with villainous bank robbers who must be taken to justice. Vinny the Van to the rescue!”

“What?” Yelled Deborah.

The van reared up on its back wheels and took off down the highway with a zoom and a comical cloud of dust.

“Wow master, look at them go!” Kitty squealed.

They watched as the cartoon van jumped, spun in circles, drove straight up a cliff side, and did a cannonball into a nearby creek. Then it jumped back out, shook itself like a dog, and weaved in between trees at a breakneck speed. At times the vehicle seemed to bend around corners as though it were made of a rubber band. Snapcase was certain that the passengers were not happy.

He couldn’t figure out why they had tried to run him off the road like that. Did someone know what he was doing? Did Don Coffeencream have some kind of backup that was chasing him down? It didn’t seem likely, but still, these people had tried to kill him.

“What are you going to do now master?”

“Hmm, well, I think perhaps I should...Mwa ha ha, mwa ha ha ha ha!”

“Oh master! You’re suffering from a maliciously evil idea aren’t you! Kitty so excited!”

“You bet I am, no one tries to hurt Snapcase McFlurdle, and to a lesser extent you, and gets away with it! It is time for PUNISHMENT!”

“Yea! Kitty like punishment, Kitty like punishment!”

Snapcase aimed the device at the dashboard of the car and fired.

“Giant Anime Robot Unit!”

Kitty squealed as the seat under her turned into a cartoonish metal and they lifted several feet into the air. The steering wheel disappeared and was replaced by a shitload of levers and buttons. The windshield got covered up with armor and was replaced with a computer screen filled with mathematical data and a crude idea of what was going on outside.

“Gee master, we’re inside of a robot.”

“That’s the point, this is a battle mech, or an arms unit, or a gundam, or, well...whatever. It’s a large robot man with a ton of weapons!”

Kitty giggled.

“What’s the matter?”

“Tee hee, Kitty find it funny that Kitty is inside of man instead of other way around.”

Snapcase grinned. “Hey, that is interesting. Maybe later a certain man can be inside of Kitty while Kitty’s inside of a man.”

“Yea! Master promise?”

“No problem, but first we have to get rid of these pests.”

“Master’s so cool!”

“Hmm, there sure are a lot of buttons and levers. Those anime shows make running one of these things look easy. Uh, I know, I’ll press this big red button. Mwa ha ha ha, prepare to die you anonymous scum!”

He pressed the button. A giant red parachute shot out of the mech unit’s ass and flopped uselessly on the ground.

“Ooookay, that wasn’t quite what I hoped. I’ll try this one. Nope, that’s the windshield wipers. Maybe this large green switch right...”

“Eeek!”

“Whoops, sorry Kitty, I’ll get those restraints removed soon, I gotta remember that one later, mwa ha ha. Ah screw this. Script generation begin. Giant Mech Unit, I want you to blow the hell out of that vehicle. Script end.”

The giant robot raised a foot and stomped on a bus that had stopped to stare at the giant robot. Apparently, whatever it was that the driver of the bus thought he was seeing was just as distracting as watching a giant cartoon robot. It was a moot point considering the bus blew up as the foot came down on it.

“No, no, you big metal idiot. I meant that cartoon van over there, blow THAT up!”

The robot dutifully pulled out its weapons and shot off more missiles than were sold in the Iran/Contra affair. Many of them hit the trees, setting patches of woods aflame. The cartoon van was taking evasive action, dancing around as the missiles whizzed by. Large craters pocketed the Earth.

“This thing sure is a bad shot master.” Kitty commented, still struggling in her metal restraints.

Snapcase slapped his head. “Of course, I should have known. Comedic vehicles like that one always manage to narrowly get missed by ridiculously lethal projectiles hurled at them.”

“So what are you going to do?”

“Well, if my cartoon logic is correct, all I have to do is use some insanely comedic overkill to overwhelm its luck. Robot, grab the most insanely lethal weapon you can.”

The robot opened up a panel in its back and pulled out a metal bomb that was larger than the robot was. On the side of the bomb, the words ‘big ass nuke’ was painted in large sloppy letters.

“Uh, master, Kitty not so sure about thi...”

Too late, the robot hurled the bomb. The cartoon van stopped in the middle of a shadow that seemed to be getting bigger. It’s headlights looked directly up. Then it pulled out a sign from nowhere that read: “Oh #@&%!”

“Jesus, look at that mushroom cloud.” Snapcase admired. “Funny though, it seems to only be affecting the spot that it directly hit rather than spreading around. Just as well I suppose, the back flash of a real nuke would have destroyed us as well.”

“That was scary master!” Kitty bawled.

“There, there, the problem has been solved. Robot, onward to New York.”

The giant mech began to walk northward.

“This is going to get inconspicuous.”

In the middle of an extremely large crater was the shape of a van, completely black. The shape dissolved into ash, leaving five bewildered passengers sitting in a big pile of soot. Psycho James was still holding onto the steering wheel, the only part of the vehicle to have survived the blast. He tossed it away in disgust and tried to curse.

“Um, I’m not sure if it was our coincidence factor that saved our butts or the laws governing comic cartoon vehicles.” The Doctor said deadpan.

“Who cares? We lost our ride.” Ron snapped.

“Nukey bomb fun, Psycho Bill like big boom!” Psycho Bill clapped his hands with amusement.

The Doctor turned to Psycho James.

“What the hell were you thinking? Why did you try to run them off the road? Now they know that someone is after them.”

“Blaho benrrh lathe bmly kill the assholes then our goddam problem would be solved you retarded son of a...hey, my tongue shrank.”

“NOOOO!” Deborah cried, hitting her fist in the ground as big tears hit the soot. “Why, god, why?”

“Jesus, bitch, get a grip. Being able to understand me is a shitload better than having a fourteen inch tongue.”

“That’s debatable.” Ron scoffed.

“No one asked you pencil dick.”

“Well maybe you should have. I didn’t want to come on this stupid trip anyway, and now we’re out in the middle of nowhere with no ride. This sucks, you suck!”

“Ah, go fuck yourself, its not like anyone else is going to.”

Ron swung a fist and punched him in the face. Psycho James was momentarily startled, then growled and swung back. In moments they were on the ground punching and biting each other. As Psycho James was repeatedly slamming Ron’s head onto a rock, Psycho Bill squealed with excitement and jumped right in the middle of it. Soon fists were flying all over the place.

“Men!” Deborah snorted and turned away.

“I’m a man and I’m not participating in it.” The Doctor told her.

“I don’t consider you as a man, you’re more of an...er...it.”

“An ‘it’? I have a penis you know.” He unzipped his pants and showed it to her. “What do you think I’m doing when I’m laying atop one of our female patients after I knocked her out with gas? I don’t operate until MY meds kick in.”

“Gee, for an ‘it’ you certainly have a large...”

“Jesus Christ Doc, put that away before you put someone’s eye out.” Psycho James snapped.

“Weren’t you supposed to be in a fight?”

“I got bored. It’s not as if the two of them notice I’m gone. Dumbasses.”

“What are we going to do now? We can’t just stand around here all day to see if Road Rage Ron and Psycho Bill kill each other.” Deborah sighed.

Psycho James looked down the highway and noticed a semi was coming down their direction.

“I’ve got an idea, come here Deb.”

“What have you got planned?”

“Nothing much, just this...”

He twisted around behind her, wrapped his arms around her neck, his hands gripped her shirt, and then he tore it right in half down the middle. She squealed in embarrassed outrage as her bare boobs flopped into view. He gripped them in his palms and bounced their weight around, putting on a show. The semi, still a bit in the distance, nevertheless got a decent enough view of her titties to decide and stop for an investigation.

“How could you do this to me? My spare clothes are a pile of ash with the rest of our stuff.”

“Quit your bitching, you’re setting a new fashion trend. If I were you, I would be proud to show those beauties off.”

“Really?” Deborah blushed.

“Sure, now hop around so the dumbass in the semi doesn’t change his mind and leave.”

Deborah blushed harder but she began to do some jumping jacks anyway. The semi came to a complete stop about twenty feet away from them. The driver jumped out of the cab and openly leered at her.

“What can I do for you folks?”

“We need a ride to New York.” Psycho James told him.

“That’s a bit out of my way, but I’ll tell you what. You have that slut sit on my lap and I’ll take you as far as I can.”

Psycho James grinned. “Oh don’t worry, I’m sure we can think of something to keep your dick occupied for the trouble.”

Thirty minutes later...

The driver woke up with a pounding headache. What had that nerdy looking guy hit him with, a tree trunk? He was feeling woozy, and it didn’t help that he was swinging back and forth. His eyes widened as he suddenly began to question why he was swinging back and forth. He took note of his situation, and nearly shit himself.

He was completely naked, except for two ropes. One rope was tied around his hands on one end and tied to a very thin tree branch that was starting to crack on the other. The second rope was a long thin one. It was tied to a thicker tree branch as well as being looped around his cock and nutsack. If the branch he was hanging from snapped, he would fall ten feet to the ground and rip off his johnson in the process.

He heard a snap and began to pray.

“Honey, don’t you think you went just a little too far?” Deborah asked, clothed in the shirt they had pilfered off of the original driver.

“No, there’s no fucking limit to how far I’ll go. Besides, I gave the cocksucker a break, there is more than enough slack in the rope so his pecker won’t rip off. It will just scare the piss out of him that’s all.”

“That’s a relief, he did stop to help even if he was a pervert about it.”

“Hmmm, at least, I think I left enough slack. Ah screw it, you know what they say: Cut twice, measure once.”

“I think it’s the other way around dear.”

“Really? Screw it, I’m not a fucking carpenter, sue me.”

Private Perkie Apples stepped into General Richard Smoker’s office; she seemed to be happy and flushed. Of course, General Smoker had no idea that she had spent the last half-hour rubbing her privates against the edge of her desk as she listened to the field reports.

“I’ve got updated reports from Interceptors five and six sir. They picked up the Conceptian’s trail again. Apparently there was a bit of a slaughter at a roadside McDonalds.” Perkie shuddered at this; the general probably took it as a sign of horror rather than the fresh wave of sexual euphoria that washed over her.

“It is amazing the government actually puts up with this.” Richard Smoker said sadly. “It is a good thing A-CUNT puts itself in the middle of this penetrating injustice.”

“You really go out of your way to make those double entandras don’t you sir?”

“If you’re going to do something, you might as well do it whole heartedly.”

“I see. Anyway, it is as you guessed sir. The Conceptians are moving eastward as well as north. I researched satellites and television stations along the coast and by my guess, they are making their way toward New York.”

“Are you sure?”

“The city does have a wide distribution of broadcasts sent all over the world. The potential for every civilization for becoming insane through television rests there.”

“Excellent Perkie. Relay these orders, we are taking our remaining choppers to deploy our troops directly to New York.”

“May I request something sir?”

“Go ahead private.”

“I wish to be deployed to New York as well.”

“Very well, granted.”

Private Perkie was shocked; her already dampened panties began to soak through. Did he just say what she thought he said?

“Uh, sir, you’re actually letting me get in on the action?”

“Of course, I’ve read your file and I know you’re itching to get at those Conceptians. There’s no way I’m going to let a determined soldier such as yourself down. You can ride in my helicopter.”

Perkie nearly jumped him and clung to his waist in her excitement. She was going on an actual mission. She didn’t care if she shared a helicopter with the general. Hell, she would pull out his dick and sit on it the entire trip there if he asked her. Finally, it was her chance to hunt the most dangerous game of them all. She was going to make sure those Conceptians finally had something to fear.

Back at Twisted Concepts

Once again, Little Billy was in the bar, sitting between some fourth grader passed out in his own vomit and a prepubescent hooker that was doing her best to completely ignore him as usual. Psycho Jeremy was back at his mother’s mansion maintaining security. So Billy had little choice but to watch the television over the bar. It seemed that the next episode of “Off Preacher Bob” was airing.

“Welcome back folks, to the second installment of ‘Off Preacher Bob.’ We’ve got a special episode lined up for you folks today.” The host announced.

“Let me free, thy hellish show is a bad example to the righteous everywhere.” Preacher Bob yelled, shaking the bars of his cage.

The host pulled out a tazer and zapped him with it, causing the preacher to jump back and piss himself.

“Anyway, today’s winner of the viewer feedback assassination ideas is Philoworm. Let’s bring him out to perform the execution.”

Cheesy techno music and strobe lights filled the studio as the audience clapped and whistled. However, Philoworm was nowhere to be seen.

“What’s this?” The host tapped on his radio earpiece. “Whoops, I’m sorry folks, Philoworm is in the back getting a blowjob from one...no, wait, three of our dancing girls.”

The crowd cheered louder.

“That is indecent, this show is nothing but sin and debauchery.” Preacher Bob shouted.

The host pulled out a gun and fired, spewing Preacher Bob’s brains all over the cage. The crowd went insane.

“Now then, while Philoworm is finishing up in the back and Preacher Bob is recovering from a head shot wound, let us go to these commercial breaks.”

The screen shifted to show a frail man inside of a prison cell. A voiceover was doing the spiel.

“Are you in prison? Are you tired of being passed around like a doobie to take felonious dick after felonious dick up your over-stretched cornhole? Well, never fear, because now there’s Prison Bitch Ex-lax.”

A small bottle magically popped into the frail man’s hand, who smiled happily and drank it down. A brown puddle began to form in his prison orange’s.

“Yes, Prison Bitch Ex-lax, a new improved formula that acts immediately to cause foul smelly anal leakage for up to eight hours at a time. Just one sip and no one will want to get close enough to shiv you much less bugger your delicate self. So remember, Prison Bitch Ex-lax, when they harass, leak out your ass.”

The show came back on, catching the host in the act of fondling one of the dancing girl’s tits. The opening music caught him off guard, so he quickly pulled away and smiled for the camera.

“Well then, I’ve heard that our guest is ready, so let’s get on with this thing. Cue the music.”

Once again cheesy techno music and strobe lights filled the room. This time, the scene shifted over to what looked like a gynecologist’s chair in which Preacher Bob was strapped down. Standing next to him was this week’s guest, Philoworm.

“Ah, there you are, I hope the employees were accommodating.”

“I’ll say they were, can I take the redhead home with me?”

“Ha ha, of course, you can purchase her at the front desk on the way out. Now, back to the task at hand, what method of a horrible grisly death have you got for us today.”

“Well, as you see, I’ve got him strapped down to this medical chair. I’ve also filled up this bloodstream with this IV full of sugar water. Now I intend to cover him with the contents of this jar of South American fire ants.”

“What!” Screamed Bob. “Let me go you sick sinners, let me go!”

“Dump! Dump! Dump!” The crowd encouraged.

“You heard him Philoworm, unleash the fury.” The host grinned.

Philoworm unscrewed the lid and hastily dumped the pissed off fire ants directly onto Preacher Bob’s body. They began to bite everything they could get hold of, causing Preacher Bob to cry out in agony. As they broke through to the blood, the ants’ actions changed. They scented the sugar water and they all lined up at the veins. They tore purposefully at the flesh, opening each blood vessel. Rivers of blood poured out of the opening wounds at the ants concentrated efforts. Bob struggled but got weaker as pints of his vital fluids spilled all over the floor.

“Oh my.” Said the host. “This is messier than I thought it would be. How inconsiderate of Bob.”

“Those fire ants were the best five bucks I ever spent.” Philoworm commented as Preacher Bob gave a couple of convulsions and died for awhile. He wondered if the ants would still be eating him when he came back to life.

“So, that’s the end of our show. Tune in next time for ‘Off Preacher Bob.’ This is Harry Ballsaks signing off.”

Little Billy turned away from the television and sipped on his rum and milkshake.

“Boy that’s sick, it will be renewed for another season for sure. Hey bartender, this pretzel bowl isn’t filling itself.”