The Erotic Mind-Control Story Archive

[mc, mf, fd, hu]

synopsis: Enough with the same boring tales of handsome princes and damsels in distress! It’s time for fairytales to go kinky, one childhood memory twisted at a time.

Author’s note: I was asked by a patron of mine to consider writing more humorous and kinky variations of fairytales. This version of Alice was born out of my love for screwball comedies. Have fun. You too can have your concepts brought to life if you choose to support my efforts—https://www.patreon.com/sbspellbound. Thanks.

Untold Stories

(By S.B.)

Alice

It’s time. It’s time again. It’s time to dive deep into the world of fairytales once more and discover something new, something bold, something funny, something unlike anything you’ve ever read before because even if there have been countless variations of this tale over the centuries already, this one is only making its proper debut now and everything that’s recent and fresh gets all the headlines, right?

So yes, prepare for a tale of wonder where your childhood will go down the drain in increasingly self-aware scenarios that threaten to destroy the world as you know it. If this hyperbole is not yet warranted, you may think differently once you’ve reached the end.

The title says it all. This is a story about Alice, a tale that would make Lewis Carroll himself roll on his grave (in fact, I’m pretty sure I’m already hearing him do just that from these three paragraphs alone). It’s a tale his descendants will most likely not approve either so let’s hope there isn’t a single one around to read it, and if there is, well, enjoy the ride.

Now, if you read another untold story in which a princess went bad and proud dwarves became pussies, you may feel inclined to think this will begin in a similar way. You couldn’t be farther from the truth even if you wanted to for the truth is still out there or so some whistles in the dead of the night have told me. No, this piece will begin in a rather dull fashion with a lengthy exposition about our protagonist so buckle up and get to it.

Oh, Alice... the first time she came to Wonderland, she was a pure, innocent soul, with an overactive imagination. This blonde angel came crashing into a fantastic adventure filled with invisible smiles, never-ending tea parties, and pink flamingos being used in the most unnatural ways possible. Oh, and there were some living cards with arms and legs, and an egg on a wall and shit like that. Everything was magical, a sight for the eyes, and an unbridled spectacle for all the other senses, including the sixth and the seventh. She laughed, cried, enjoyed herself as if she were more than what she truly was and then...

... reality hit her. It hit her big time. It was such a blow to the back of her head that she couldn’t stand for three days straight. Her daydreams were soon over. For many years, Alice learned all the useless things Society expected girls of her age to learn like proper manners and silly giggles in order to be courted by future overweight husbands no woman in her right frame of mind would dare dream of. But Alice wasn’t in her right frame of mind, no, sir. She was thoroughly brainwashed by all the brainwashed companies she had to endure, by her abusive father and even more abusive mother. She was even brainwashed by the cat of the estate into believing balls of yarn were good for her. She had it rough and Time, well, Time broke down even faster than she did.

So yeah, unlike a movie version directed by a guy with a Johnny Depp fetish, adult Alice became increasingly bitter, someone you would hate to run into in any situation. Every day began with a gray sun hanging over her head, and every night ended with acidic tears on the pillows and bedsheets. After ruining over forty beds, she finally cracked for good, whimpering for help.

“For fuck’s sake, get me out of here! GET ME OUT OF HERE NOW!”

Her scream was so powerful, so riveting that it summoned a knight in shining armor who had long ears. The White Rabbit came from a portal inside her wardrobe to bring her back to Wonderland, with a quick stop in Narnia for refueling.

“Drink it,” the rabbit said, pointing to a purple vial.

“What is it?” She asked as they plummeted into an iridescent abyss that would make Stanley Kubrick jealous.

“It’s a purple vial, Alice.” He stated the obvious.

“Is it vile?”

“No, it’s a vial. And it’s purple, see?”

“No, what I meant was will it do vile things to me?”

“Of course not, just bring a deserved smile to your lips.”

“Then I’ll have three.”

And so she did. Three small purple vials that left her in good spirits until the journey was over and beyond. When Alice finally landed in Wonderland again, she was more than slightly intoxicated but that was okay. However, the less one talks about the subsequent hangover, the better.

And so it came to be that she made a new life for herself, one where things she wasn’t allowed to even consider in her teenage years, suddenly became a reality. She was still blonde and beautiful 86% of the time but she could also be brunette and beautiful, redhead and beautiful, pink-haired with blue highlights and... well, whatever. Three months later, she had an undying passion for tight latex dresses and was always seen wearing one except on late night parties where she wore nothing at all. Life was good again. In fact, it was utterly wonderful.

Phew... so many words to get you up to speed but here we are. However, if your memories haven’t been tampered by hypnosis or any other forms of covert or overt mind control, you may recall this untold story began by talking about Time and when one talks about Time, there are some things people don’t like to hear, especially men. As a matter of fact, when a man and a woman are talking, the worst thing she can bring to the conversation are two simple words that evoke a breach in Time, a break of trust, a possible future no one asked for especially when they were just having fun. If you haven’t guessed them yet, those two words are:

“I’m late!”

“What the fuck?” The Mad Hatter choked before spitting his bitter-lemon tea all over his new coat. “It was just one time! I’m not the father, okay?”

“Did I say you were, dumbass?” Alice retorted, making a dish fly his way. “I’m still late though.”

They were sitting at his table, in his secret garden, that was at the center of a maze only a hand full of people knew. And no, that wasn’t a typo. It was a rather big hand. Alice looked radiant in her neon pink latex short dress and matching wig and he looked weird as ever, perhaps even more so ever since he had grown a mustache to savor more cups of tea at the same time. They had been friends when she was a child, now they were drinking buddies at least. Sadly, one time didn’t qualify for the “friends with benefits” moniker.

To their right was the March Hare, passed out from the accumulated madness of the months of April, May, and June. No one was expecting to hear from her for a while except for the occasional snore.

“If it’s not me, then who do you think it is, sweet pie?” The Hatter queried, half of his mustache now savoring a combination of hibiscus and rooibos.

“No clue. I... I don’t remember much of what I did in the last couple of months, if I’m being honest.”

“And if you’re not, it’s not like anyone will blame you for it. Honesty is overrated, dear. And so is sanity.”

“I’ll drink to that,” she raised a cup up in the air. It was empty, but it still poured. The taste was awful, kind of like…

“... piss, yuck! Hatter, did you forget to use the bathroom again?”

“No, I did not forget. I assure you that outcome was as intentional as intentional outcomes are intent to be.”

“Geez, can you talk even more funny?”

“Most likely, but let’s not try to find out. I love the new ring by the way.”

“What ring?” Alice darted, confused. She looked at her right hand, saw nothing; looked at the right hand again and continued to see nothing. Only then did she bother to check the left, the gleam of hundreds of carats turning her world even more upside down.

“Whoa! This wasn’t here before, I swear!”

“Well, it is now. Don’t you just love these plot conveniences?”

“How did it...? Fuck, I’m so lost right now.”

“Then let’s find you. What’s the last thing you remember?”

“Bright lights in the sky... I think?”

“So a UFO abducted you, and the alien took a shine on you by giving you a ring after probing your ass for twelve hours straight... how’s that for a story?”

“Don’t like it, sorry.”

“Hmmm, fine... no aliens then. Were the bright lights stars? Or fireworks by any chance?”

“Could be. I... was wearing my party dress and...”

“I see...” the Hatter rubbed his hands imagining her supple body dancing under the moonlight. “So people liked your bouncing boobs, got together, and bought you a ring as thanks. Better now?”

“No! Hatter, you’re good with tea but your stories suck!” She protested.

“Really? Then do you prefer to think you got drugged by The White Rabbit at some party somewhere, fucked until you lost your memory and then he made you marry him so his mammal honor wouldn’t be tarnished? Because that’s all things weird, if you ask me.”

“I... fuck, you may be on to something there!”

“No way! That was a joke. I’m sure the White Rabbit would be incapable of doing anything like that. Pay no attention to my follies, Alice! I’m mad.”

“We’re all mad, and now I’m getting even madder. Where’s that no-good hairy creature? Oh, White Rabbit...” she chirped. “White Rabbit!”

“Here I am,” he proudly announced himself, jumping from behind a bush for comedic purposes. He sported a dark-blue jacket, an irritating monocle and a minuscule pocket watch that resembled a golden button more than anything else. “Alice, I have to say you look like a fucking bimbo in that pink dress but a lovely bimbo nonetheless (was that a good rhyme or what?). How may I be of service to you, my dear?”

Alice rose from her seat and grabbed him by the velvety collar, her radiance transformed into the broken mask of a wounded vixen. Her gaze was even more dangerous than that of the Medusa of legends.

“You can start by telling me the meaning of this!” She hit him with the ring on his forehead. The White Rabbit stumbled backwards, the weight of the headache twisting his neck.

“It’s a ring, a beautiful ring, the most beautiful ring in all of Wonderland for the most wonderful human female of all, of course!” he excused himself.

“Fucking sycophant! You wouldn’t be sucking me up like that if you hadn’t done something truly disgusting! I’m late, you know? Did we fuck and get married afterward?”

“I... well... fuck is such a dirty word, isn’t it? And I don’t like marriage either. Can’t we just agree that sweet love was made not so long ago between a woman and a rabbit (it’s not unheard, you know?) that ended up in a simple matrimonial arrangement? It was all so lovely, I assure you. I wanted you to remember, but the drugs were stronger than I thought!”

“Oh, you disgusting piece of furry shit and so many other things I feel like calling you but I won’t otherwise we’re in for a long ass monologue! How could you have done that? I trusted you with my life, my very soul! You came to my rescue when my existence was on the brink of oblivion, made me feel whole again and now you betray me? I have your fucking rabbit sperm inside me? I don’t want to give birth to man-rabbit abominations because this is not a fucking horror story, thank you very much!”

“Easy there,” the rabbit struggled under her fearsome grasp. The combination of adrenaline and feminine rage was a force to be reckoned with and he was on the verge of choking. “Let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Just because you’re late doesn’t mean you’re pregnant. Perhaps you should find out for sure before killing poor old me.”

“You only want a head start, right?”

“Is that too much to ask?”

“Fine!” She let him go, wig falling off. “I will find someone that understands this shit but, either way, I’ll be wanting something from you.”

“Not my cock again, I suppose!”

“No. I want a divorce and I want it now!”

“AHHHHHH!” The Hatter screamed banging his head against the left corner of the table. “You used the dreaded D word! Why, Alice? Why did you do that? With so many lovely D words in the dictionary like daffodil, dalmatian, or even diarrhea, why did you have to go for di... di... di...?”

“Divorce? What about it?”

“AHHHHHH! You did it again! It is forbidden! More forbidden than the forbidden books that have never been written! No one can say it for when they do, bad things happen, things so terrible that make all my teas go bad.”

“Most of them already taste like piss anyway... aren’t you overreacting?”

“No, he really isn’t!” The White Rabbit gulped. “There are many things better left unsaid and others even better unthought. This is all my fault. Alice, I’ll give you everything you want but don’t say that word again... please!”

“Ah, now you beg!” She smirked. “What word was that again? Divorce, wasn’t it? Okay, rabbit, I promise not so say divorce again even if divorce is the only thing I can think of just to make you happy. Divorce, divorce, divorce, divorce, divorce... just imagine how lucky you are I’m not saying it right now!”

As she kept on not saying it even though everybody heard it, the skies above became darker, a veil of lead, the herald of a flood. The impenetrable maze coiled, curled, and ran away and the hand full of people was left empty for no one wanted to be around when “they” arrived.

“Who the fuck are they?” Alice asked like a bumbling idiot for at this point in our tale that’s exactly what we need her to be.

“The Kweeng’s Broken Deck, who else?” The Hatter replied. “Alice, have you been living under a rock?”

“No. Apparently, I’ve been roofied for a while, remember? Because I don’t! Fuck this shit! Divorce or death!”

“I can see the latter happening more easily...” the Rabbit said. “Damn, I can already feel them on the move. They’ll be here soon enough.”

“How soon?” The Hatter asked, cowering under the table.

“I’d say in ten words from now which probably means sooner than that.”

It did for Time can not be trusted. In this world, things that usually take months can happen in half a heartbeat and half of that can be described in fifty paragraphs if the writer is feeling verbose. On the other hand, if he’s not, one moment “they” can be a mere mention and in the next...

“They’re already here!” mumbled the March Hare within her July nightmare. “Run for your lives!”

“It’s too late for that. Our lives may already be forfeit...” The Rabbit said, ears curling inwards out of pure fear.

The sky grew even darker as well as their immediate surroundings as soon as “they” appeared. Nine were the cloaked figures that had followed the scent of the forbidden D word to that once pristine clearing. Eight carried torches that were as dark as the cloth that covered them, yet still producing a faint trace of decaying light. Seven had burn scars no one had seen long enough to tell the tale. Six shuffled their feet as if they were hands. Five shuffled their hands as if they were feet. Four had been imbued with the power to hypnotically paralyse their victims. Three had mastered it to a fine degree, but only used it if deemed necessary. Two were waiting for the proper higher clearance before engaging in such an act. One, looking bored, finally said:

“Get on with it, you lazy bums!”

And “they” attacked, The tainted walking cards, slaves to The Kweeng of Two Hearts, surrounded them before opening their cloaks in an unnecessary voyeuristic display. And there were googly eyes. And there were intumesced cocks. And there was a horrible dark goo dripping from both that smelled of dead roses and inevitable amnesia. It touched them, made everyone’s skin crawl.

“Damn, I’m going to lose my memories again, aren’t I?” Alice asked.

“Yep,” The Hatter agreed before collapsing on the ground. The Rabbit followed suit and her beautiful latex dress came last.

* * *

When Alice and her friends came to, they were inside a prison cell, many miles away from the garden of piss-poor tea. This wasn’t an underground confinement space though but an elevated cage hanging on the outside of an impossibly high tower painted in red and black. Unlike what she expected, her memories weren’t entirely gone save for a few hazy spots here and there. The cloaked figures breath was splattered all over her clothes and when a bright pink latex dress turns brown, you know things aren’t right.

“Fuck! My head hurts!” She said.

“So does mine,” the Mad Hatter concurred.

“That makes three of us then,” the White Rabbit noted.

“Don’t you mean five?” A familiar voice whispered.

The three most notable protagonists turned to the right to see two other denizens of Wonderland united in their predicament. One was the Cheshire Cat whose smile had turned into a permanent frown and the other was the Mistress of Wisdom and Recreational drugs, the Caterpillar. Gone where the days when everyone knew her as Steve. Not that anyone would remember them, anyway. It was her voice they heard, sitting on a mattress made of ’shrooms.

“Oh my God! You’re here, too!” Alice said.

“We were bound to appear sooner or later,” the cat licked his front right paw. “It’s been a while, girl, and let me say you’re looking mighty fine!”

“Thanks but honestly? You look like shit!”

It was true. he did. His once bright fur was darkened and covered in knots, hairballs, and swallow’s poo, courtesy of an overgrown nest he had misplaced. His blood-shot eyes had the same color as his upside-down teeth, and both were horrifying.

“You would too if you suffered my fate.” He replied.

“What happened, cat?”

He jumped into the air and landed on her head, long nails scratching her scalp. “My boyfriend left me, that’s what happened! Fuck that ungrateful piece of slime!”

“Huh? Since when are you gay?”

“I’ve been gay since forever. Why do you think I was smiling all the time, huh? Not anymore though. I’ll never smile again.”

“Melodramatic much?”

“No. That’s not a real thing! I don’t do drama, only the bitter cold facts of a life that wants nothing to do with me...” He sniffled.

“Are you high, cat?”

“Perhaps a little...” the caterpillar agreed. “I don’t know about you but between drama and weed, I choose weed all the time.”

“Do you have some for me?” The Hatter asked. “For the tea, I mean.”

“Sadly, my stash is running low. I may have to go into withdrawal mode soon and that’s scary as fuck!”

“It can’t be scarier than what happened to us...” Alice tapped her foot. “Why are you two here?”

“Cannibalism,” the cat responded.

“Trying to convince the Kweeng that smoking a joint or ten with me would definitely lighten the mood around here,” the caterpillar intervened.

“Hold on a second!” Alice shook her head. “Cannibalism? Don’t tell me you ate your ex, cat!”

“Nah, I just bit a part of his anatomy when I found out he was cheating on me with a younger model. Jules was quite the dick. Now he doesn’t have one.”

“Oh wow! It’s wonderful to see you both again but I just wish it were under better circumstances.”

“Agreed,” the cat retorted. “Unless you’re really into BDSM, meeting inside a cell is not what I call entertainment.”

“BD... what?” Alice choked.

“Never mind...” the cat rolled his eyes.

“What about you, Alice?” the caterpillar inquired. “What did you do to deserve such a grim fate?”

“I just talked about divorce and everything got fucked up!”

“AHHHHH!” The Hatter screamed again to maintain a sense of consistency. “Make it stop! Make it stop!”

“Still freaking about that? Grow some balls! It’s not like things are going to get any worse now.”

“Famous last words...” the Rabbit mumbled.

“Fuck you, fur ball! We still haven’t finished our conversation.”

Suddenly, a string of unexpected bolded text appeared above their hurting heads.

This is a special announcement from the Bureau of Fine Literature. It has recently come to our understanding that the word “f#@k” has been used far too many times in this untold story already. While it is not the mission of this Bureau to censor the efforts of hard-working authors, we feel that the constant use of such expletives inevitably undermines the value of it all, making each subsequent paragraph feel less unique than the preceding one. Not only that, it also promotes vulgarization to the extreme, something we simply can’t agree with. While it is too late to change the instances that came before, the same can not be said of the ones yet to appear. Therefore, henceforth all future instances of the word “f#@k” will be replaced by something far more agreeable and cuddly like “puppy”. Thank you and have a nice day.

“Puppy me!” Alice exclaimed. “That was weird as puppy!”

“Not the weirdest thing I’ve read...” The Mad Hatter yawned. “... but puppy the Bureau anyway!”

“I don’t give a puppy about any of this but we need to get out of here, fast!” The White Rabbit said.

“Why are you so afraid?” Alice queried.

“Because I already know how this goes. In a moment, those freaks will take us to see the Kweeng and I promised I would never allow myself to be in such a position. Once was distressing as puppy. My poor heart can’t go for seconds!”

“Okay, hold it right there!” Alice blurted. “None of you have told me who the puppy this Kweeng is supposed to be and I demand answers! Spill the beans!”

“That’s a rather long story, dear Alice,” the Caterpillar replied, her mouth enveloped in a ring of pink smoke.

“How long are we talking about?”

“About five paragraphs or so. Are you up for it?”

She looked at her sparse surroundings, felt the vertigo rushing in.

“It’s not like I have anything better to do so... yeah.”

“Okay. The Kweeng of Two Hearts in none other than a flesh abomination, a creature born from the untimely fusion of our doofus monarch The King of Hearts and our benevolent tyrant, the Queen and you should know that this eldritch horror would have never been a thing if it weren’t for the most despicable form of...”

“Black magic?” Alice interrupted her.

“Yes. YES! A wizard did it, a twisted soul one never suspected could contain such nefarious forces within. It is the most vile creature you can imagine, and his name alone will make your every hair crawl. He is known as the...”

“Jobber Wock!” The cat whispered in her left ear. She hated the sound but even more the wet tongue.

“Jabberwock, you mean? Wasn’t there a silly poem with that name or something?”

“No, Alice. No. It was all a dream, but this is a nightmare. A few months ago, a guy named Wock walked all the way to the castle as walkers are prone to do. He said he came from a far land known as Daresbury wherever that is. He came to see the Queen liike a needy, clingy sub desperate for a Mistress saying things like, and I quote:

“Oh, beautiful Queen of Hearts! Never has anyone been born more radiant than you! I’m so utterly enthralled by your magnificence it would be an honor to serve you in any way you desire. Please, My Queen, grant me this undeserving boon so I can prove the extent of my devotion to You and You alone.”

“Puppy! That’s the very definition of cringe! Don’t tell me she went for that.”

“It is cringe indeed,” the caterpillar continued. “And yes, she did. You remember how The Queen used to be, don’t you? Always vain and eager to be the center of attention. At the time, people speculated that the King and her were undergoing couples therapy to deal with certain... hmmm, inadequacies in their relationship and this guy and his saccharine talk put an even greater dent on everything. Things escalated quickly. The Queen got enamored by this strange visitor from a strange land with almond-shaped eyes and allowed him to stay in the castle, often giving him the most menial of tasks just to see how expertly he handled them to gain her favor and the results were... well...”

“I would say catastrophic but that would be an insult to all cats around...” Cheshire said.

“It’s still a good word though,” the caterpillar agreed. “Yeah, Alice, I’m sure by now you realized the guy was a fake, and a total jobber. Everything he did, he did poorly, always cutting corners and blaming everyone else for his shortcomings. He tried to woo the Queen over and over again but she just toyed with him, making promises she never intended to keep only to make her husband jealous. The more she turned him down, the madder he got and one day...”

“... he exploded like a million atomic bombs at once!” the Hatter concluded.

“Yes, he did. He exploded in wave after wave of misguided misogyny, foul spells coming into play...”

The Cheshire Cat leaped from Alice’s hair, stopping in mid-air in front of her.

“Can I please tell the rest?” he asked.

“By all means, my friend,” The Caterpillar said. “I heard you got the full scoop.”

“I sure did. So... here I was minding my own business while invisible to the world when I stumbled upon this scene that minors may find horrifying. The King was buried between the Queen’s legs, eyes glazed, while she patted him in the head and cooed: “Who’s Queen Mommy’s boy toy, huh? You are, yes, you are. You’re such a good slut king when you do what I ask. Hmmm... you’ll be my toy forever, won’t you?”

“Kinky!” exclaimed the March Hare before going back to sleep for when characters don’t really add much to the tale, saying they’re asleep is always the perfect cop-out.

“Needless to say,” the cat continued, “when Wock saw this, he flipped. He felt betrayed, ridiculed, and all his worst instincts came forth. No one knows how he learned the dark incantations he used but the results speak for themselves. He cursed the King and the Queen’s perverted love with these words:”

“If you love one another that much to turn love into a fetish travesty, let’s see how well you handle being stuck! Cursed be your bodies, cursed be your minds, cursed be your lineage if you ever produce it! I now dub you The Kweeng of Two Hearts!”

“That’s terrifying!” Alice gasped.

“Yes, even more so because they were fused as they were.”

“You mean...?”

“I do. The once King’s head is forever stuck to the once Queen’s pussy, his hands glued to her thighs in an animalistic display of unbridled passion but instead of being a source of pleasure, it is one of pain and all around gruesomeness, his hormones infecting her at every turn and the smell... god, the smell! The Kweeng is the most fetid creature you’ll ever encounter. The longer they stay united, the less distinct their individual features becomes and the evil that has invaded them inevitably began to corrupt others, too.”

“Those Nazgûl-like things that attacked us?”

“How do you even know what Nazgûl a...?” The caterpillar noted. “Nah, forget it.”

“Yes, Alice. The Broken Deck were once the King and Queen’s most trusted advisors, the cards that dealt all the cards around here when their Majesties couldn’t be bothered which was pretty much all the time, but they slowly went mad after having to deal with the Kweeng’s new persona. They abhor many things but the thing they abhor the most is the forbidden word.”

“Ah, divorce!”

“Damn it, Alice!” The Hatter whimpered, trying to hide inside his beautiful fashion statement.

“Yes, that word...” the caterpillar concluded. “That which the Kweeng cannot have for they are inextricably linked unless...”

“... someone defeats the Wock, saves the kingdom and blah, blah, blah.”

“You’re well versed, Alice. You are also correct, we think. There’s no actual proof that defeating the Jobber Wock will rectify anything but it’s good to have hope. The problem is, after the curse no one has ever seem him again.”

“Huh? Where the puppy did he go?”

“Through the looking-glass, to the realm of shadows and reflections no one dares to cross. In the beginning, The Kweeng tried to convince adventurers from all over the world to embark on such a quest but they all refused. Now, the idea is but a fleeting sentiment, for I fear this abomination has started to grow used to its new condition and I don’t think it’s itching for deliverance any more.”

“SILENCE!” Echoed a ghastly voice as it appeared before them in a puff of smoke. The leader of the Nazg... sorry, Broken Deck spoke menacingly: “THE KWEENG OF TWO HEARTS DEMANDS YOUR PRESENCE IN THE OUTER COURT. YOU SHALL BE TAKEN THERE IMMEDIATELY. FASTEN YOUR SEATBELTS... OH WAIT, YOU’RE SCREWED BECAUSE YOU DON’T HAVE THEM AND I CAN TELEPORT... BYE!”

“Puppy!” the cat said against his better judgment.

The card wraith disappeared as the cage plummeted into the depths of the festering gardens. All the topiaries screamed.

* * *

It was a long fall, longer than it had the right to be, a fall that in any other story would kill everyone involved in it out of sheer fright but, even when tainted by toxic masculinity, Wonderland is a wonderful place indeed and, when the impact was imminent, the cage ended up floating peacefully to the ground.

Alice sighed and so did the Rabbit and the Hatter. As for the caterpillar, she was in perfect Zen with the multi-verse thanks to the last breath of intoxicating smoke. The March Hare remained in quiet slumber but the cat was nowhere to be seen.

“Kitty, where did you run off to?” Alice queried.

“I’m going to remain invisible for a while,” he responded right to her left ear.

“Okay but why?”

“I’m pretty sure I soiled myself just now.”

“Ewwww!”

“So that’s where this foul stench is coming from!” exclaimed the rabbit.

“Look around, white fur ball,” the caterpillar noted. “Everything is fetid around here now.”

Wise and true words for the once King and Queen’s garden, a haven of verdant green and luscious flowers, now oozed purple malice through spontaneous geysers on the damp ground. Former beautiful hedges were now nothing short of emotional roller-coasters, shooting withered branches in lopsided angles. A select few hung menacingly over their heads defying both gravity and grammar. The worst thing of this decaying landscape were the masses of people piled up, dark grins eager for a trial to begin and end poorly.

“Man, it looks like they’re ready to kill us,” said the Hatter as he composed himself.

“They probably are. The Kweeng’s nefarious influence has corrupted them too.”

“Where is this Kweeng, anyway?” Alice darted her head in every direction.

“If we follow the somber chanting, we should see it right away,” the caterpillar replied.

Shadows wobbled under their feet as thousands of eyes devoured their optimism and self-esteem. The half a dozen improbable characters stumbled across the vestigial garden, ears locked on the guttural hums echoing all around. The melody was familiar, like a broken lullaby or a reverse satanic invocation. The more they listened to it, the drowsier they became.

“Suddenly, I don’t feel so good,” Alice muttered as if she were about ready to puke.

“That’s morning sickness for you,” the cat jested even though it was the middle of the afternoon.

“Some people are more susceptible to the Kweeng’s presence than others, Alice,” the caterpillar offered her a joint. “This should help you relax.”

Health concerns be damned, the young girl accepted it on the spot much to the Rabbit’s concern.

“But Alice, think of the potential unborn cute hybrid rabbit babies growing inside you...”

“Not another word, you hear? Or I swear you won’t make it past this chapter.”

An angry woman’s threat is always the worst type of threats so the talking mammal committed to silence. Only something truly important would break it and that something wasn’t there yet. Head low, he started walking rather slowly, eventually falling to the back of the bunch, eyes glued to a small device with a luminescent screen.

“What do you have there?” queried the invisible cat giving him quite a jump scare.

The White Rabbit said nothing, the fear of undeserved punishment still fresh on his poor mind.

“Moving pictures, huh?” The cat continued, scratching the back of his neck. “That’s certainly cute but... wait a minute, is that Alice sucking a door knob dressed in a maid’s outfit?”

The enthralling music cut off, the curiosity of every living and somewhat undead creature in the vicinities heightened by the strange fetish confession. The White Rabbit felt the combined weight of every gaze lacerating his very soul but Alice’s burned the brightest. It was also the most painful one.

“Excuse me?” She said.

The Rabbit averted her gaze in complete silence.

“I’m talking to you, you little piece of rabbit shit!”

Twiddling on the thin, rectangular instrument of doom, he typed in capital letters:

“YOU TOLD ME NOT TO SPEAK SO I’M NOT SPEAKING. I PLEA THE FIFTH!”

“I’m British, moron. And what is that contraption you’re holding? I’ve never seen anything like it.”

“I believe our friend picked it up in one of his travels to your world,” the caterpillar butted in. “A relic from the future or something. I think it’s called a cell phane.”

“What a weird name but that doesn’t explain the maid’s outfit part.”

“THERE’S NOTHING TO EXPLAIN, ALICE. MOVE ALONG. THE KWEENG IS WAITING.”

“The Kweeng is also interested in knowing what this is all about,” the leader of the Broken Deck said, upset that he could no longer speak in capital letters so as to not confuse anyone still mad enough to continue reading this. He teleported away, taking the technologically impossible piece of machinery with him.

And then there were laughters. Booming laughters. Thunderous laughters. Alice and the gang looked straight ahead and saw the Outer Court in all its rotten opulence, a semi-circle adorned by broken banners, and two royal chairs who had also been combined to become as one. Sitting on this dripping golden monstrosity was yet another thing worthy of this epitome. Once a woman and once a man, now a conglomerate of both was a body far more hideous than that of a steroid-filled professional baseball player. The Kweeng sported an inflated dress embroidered with traces of silver and ruby, long enough to hide the screaming legs that didn’t belong there. It was highly entertained by all the kinky stuff the cell phane offered.

“Ah, HILARIOUS. Alice, WE had NO idea YOU and DONKEYS got ALONG so WELL! It said.

“Donkeys?” The protagonist fumed before exploding in a cascade of “puppy” this, “puppy” that.

“So let me get this straight,” The Hatter mumbled, leaning his right shoulder against the Rabbit’s left one. “You drug her, force her to marry you, and while in a stupor, you also make her enact all your dirty little fantasies and record them for posterity while you’re at it? Geez, and they call me Mad!”

“This IS brilliant,” The Kweeng continued. “WE want TEN copies FOR rainy DAYS.”

“Hmmm, why does this thing talk like this?” Alice asked when she finally was able to calm down.

“The masculine side is always shouting, the feminine one tries to keep it together... you do the math,” the caterpillar replied. “It’s weird, I know, but you’ll get used to it, I promise.

“INDEED you WILL. Alice, DEAR, it’s BEEN ages SINCE the LAST time YOU were AROUND and, AS you CAN see, A lot HAS happened in GOOD old WONDERLAND. You STAND before US today ACCUSED of UTTERING the FORBIDDEN word MORE than ONCE. Doing IT once IS already A terrible OFFENCE but TO brazenly DO it AGAIN even MORE so. WE already KNOW the ANSWER, of COURSE, but HOW do YOU plea?”

“Guilty as puppy, your... hmmm... Kweenginess.”

The Kweeng scratched the thing below its chin that resembled a beard.

“WE see. IT’S obvious WE didn’t KNOW the ANSWER after ALL but NO one IS to KNOW of THIS, are WE clear?”

“Crystal, Your Fused Majesties. My point still stands though. I want a divorce, and I want it now!”

All the attendants cowered in fear.

“YOU dare UTTER the FORBIDDEN word AGAIN to OUR face? MY, we’ve NEVER seen SUCH recklessness!”

“You haven’t seen half of it, yet. Don’t you think I deserve it by now?”

“WHAT we THINK or DON’T think RIGHT now MATTERS not. THE truth IS you BROKE the LAW of THE land AND, because OF that, YOU must BE punished. NATURALLY, the PUNISHMENT is NONE other THAN a DEATH sentence FOR nothing ELSE will PLACATE this ANGRY mob. LOOK at THEM, how THEY salivate AND hunger FOR everyone’s MISFORTUNE. Isn’t HUMANITY great?”

“They all seem like a bunch of no-good assholes to me,” Alice shrugged.

“Your Majesty,” The Hatter intervened. “Forgive me but when you say death, surely you’re only speaking of Alice, right? Because poor old me did nothing to warrant such a fate.”

“THE fact THAT you GREW a MUSTACHE to DRINK more TEA is ABHORRENT enough TO deserve DEATH. Off WITH your HEADS, we SAY, for DESPITE all THE changes TO this CLASSIC tale, SOME things REMAIN the SAME.”

“Let’s not get hasty, O Mighty Kweeng of Two Hearts,” the caterpillar noted, “for I believe young Alice has a proposition for you.”

“She DOES?”

“I do?” Alice asked.

“Oh yes, remember what you said about two thousand words ago.”

“What I said two thousand wor...? Oh, that thing with the Wock?”

“Indeed, Alice.”

“The WOCK? Are YOU trying TO tell US you’re IN bed WITH the FOUL sorcerer THAT made THIS mess COME to BE before disappearing THROUGH the LOOKING-GLASS?”

“Much to the contrary, O Kweeng, for it seems the only bed Alice has seen in the last couple of months was the rabbit’s,” The cheshire cat frowned.

“You’re not helping, kitty.”

“Sorry.”

“Your Kweenginess,” Alice approached the throne. “I do have a proposition for you if you’re willing to listen. The Wock made this mess and only the Wock can undo it. I’ve been told no soldier or bounty hunter from this kingdom and beyond dares to follow him through the mirror, but I’m neither. I’m just a woman who’s late and will stop at nothing to be free of the burden that idiotic rabbit placed on me. Just the thought of being pregnant of his babies makes my guts twist. More than angry, I’m pissed, so pissed I could puppy everyone in this room in the ass for twenty-hours straight and still not be satisfied. Let me chase the Wock for you. I will find him and I’ll make him pay for the chaos he brought forth and if I have to throw him inside a smoldering volcano to put an end to this nightmare once and for all, I will. You have my word, and my word is law.”

“INTERESTING. Very INTERESTING, indeed.”

“However, I don’t want to do it alone for every hero needs a sidekick and there’s plenty to choose from around here. Let me take all the other prisoners with me. This way, they won’t disgust you and if I end up being stuck on the other side of the mirror or worse, you’ll get rid of them anyway, no need for heads to roll. Together, we can do this, and we will do it.”

“Alice, have you gone mad for good?” The Rabbit finally broke his vow of silence. “I don’t want to go that strange world! Who knows what horrible things we will find there! This is too much! Too much, I tell you!”

“It’s either that or the axe. You really prefer the latter?”

“No.”

“Then shut the puppy up and let me save us all!”

“Do we have a deal, Your Kweenginess?”

“HMMM... if THEY’RE all WILLING to GO with YOU, then...”

“Help me out, guys,” Alice muttered.

It was now or never, the deciding moment that could spell the end of this tale or the beginning of a much greater adventure. For a few seconds, no one said nothing, but they all knew she was right. Facing the unknown, no matter how scary it could turn out to be was better than facing certain death under the bloody tip of a sharpened axe so...

“Fine, you have my ears!” The rabbit said.

“And my top hat!” The Hatter took a bow.

“You can count on my inverted smile,” the cheshire cat concluded.

“And you can have my drugs too, I guess,” the caterpillar grinned.

The March Hare snored for her time hadn’t arrived yet.

“Well, QUITE an INTRIGUING development...” the twisted monarch declared. “SIX companions. SO be IT. You SHALL be THE fellowship OF the KWEENG.”

“Right...” The March Hare opened its eyes far and wide. “I bet with this setup no one saw this pun coming.”

Everyone gave him an icy stare that made him regret being alive to begin with.

— INTERMISSION —