Woken 5K
So, sorry to repeat myself, but if you have been reading my stories then you know I have the gift of making people do things. I call it ‘pushing’. I could just think it for something to happen. I also realized that I could “read” feelings and get impressions of mood or sometimes even read thoughts.
After those years of fun with Tracy and her mom (I liked it when Tracy would bring home friends to play with) I decided that i liked being around colleges. I would hang around a new college for a few weeks, have fun, then move on. THEN I found the holy grail. I ended up at a 4-year college (name withheld). At a campus café I saw an absolutely GEORGEOUS brunette with a “Le Monde” (French newspaper) on the table in front of her. I walk over and say “Je n’ai pas pu lire Le Monde depuis des mois. Pourrais-je m’assoir et lire le vôtre? (“I haven’t read “Le Monde” in months. Do you mind if I sit down and read yours?”)
She (in English) “I don’t mind if you read it at all—have a seat. I introduced myself as “Mr C” and she said that her name was Mary. “You speak French very well, better than most of my teachers, and with almost no accent,”
Me: “I attended university in France and worked there a few years.”
She: ”Do you ever do tutoring?”
Me: “Yes, in a number of subjects. But if you understood what I said earlier, you don’t really need tutoring in French.” She: “Oh it’s not for ME, it is for two of my sorority sisters. They are failing.”
Me “OK, I want you to close your eyes and think hard about each one, think hard about how much help they really need, and envision each one in your mind as you do so.” I ‘read’ her as she was doing this. HOLY SHIT! Two more babes. “Now I want you to think hard about how your chapter president would feel about having a male in the sorority, doing tutoring. Think HARD about it.” I ‘read’ her again. And I established a connection with the leader of the sorority. She was having a major fight with the house cook, who wanted a pay raise. KA Ching!
Me “Let’s go over immediately and see how she feels about the idea“. We get over just as the fight is ending. The cook yells “I Quit!” I say “excuse me, but just leaving would be a very bad idea for you”
Cook “Who the hell are you?”
Me “I just tutor a few of the sisters. But the reason it is a bad idea is that in this state, leaving without formal notification is a misdemeanor and could get you several months of county jail. So write out a formal letter of resignation. Ladies, there must be a printer here. Bring down a blank piece of paper.“ I then dictated a formal resignation letter, effective immediately. She signed it and stomped out.
Chapter president: “Why did you help HER? She’s a miserable piece of work and I think she’s been stealing from the sorority.”
Me: “Oh, don’t think that I helped her” (with a smile). First, there is no law like that (with a smile). Or at least not one that I know of. And I bet that she had a current contract, right?” (nod) “A written contract?” (nod) “For how much longer? Two years, huh. Well she just declared herself in breach of contract. In writing, dated, in her handwriting, and signed by her. (Chapter president starts chuckling.) If you discover that she HAS been stealing but it isn’t admissible or ’not beyond a reasonable doubt’, then simply sue her for breach of contract in small claims court. I don’t know what the limit is in THIS state, but across the U.S. it generally runs between $5000 and $10,000. There is a state or two where it’s smaller, and a few where it is larger, up to about $15,000 max, I believe. And I think that for breach of a written contract, you probably must file within 2 or 3 or 4 years of when the agreement is broken because of statute of limitations, so don’t tarry on investigations.”
The chapter president started laughing BIG time. We were surrounded by about a dozen sisters. One wailed “what are we going to eat for dinner tonight?”. Chapter president (who I will now call mom) said “I will order pizza tonight and figure things out tomorrow”.
Me “Don’t waste your money. First, it’s rather unhealthy and second there’s something you don’t know about me; years ago I used to be a cook in a Michelin rated restaurant in Paris. I can handle dinner tonight”. Sis two says “Paris?”. Sis three says “Michelin?”. A dozen sisters started jumping up and down, and squealing. It was a glorious sight.
Me “Listen I can’t promise much tonight because I don’t know what food is in the kitchen. I can hang around for awhile until you can find a new cook.” I pushed “oh I want him to stick around!” to all the females around me. Me “I don’t have a car, so I will need someone to drive me around. Is there an organic farmer’s market in town.?” 12 smiles, 12 nods.
Me: “There will be a few rules if you want me to stick around:
1st) EVERYBODY helps out. Not anything major, but I have a personal rule: the cook doesn’t do the dishes. Punishment for slackers is that they don’t get the ‘good’ food. When the ‘helpers’ are getting gourmet omelets, the slackers get gruel for breakfast. The first job for EVERYONE will be to come with me into the kitchen to see what I have to work with in terms of cooking utensils and food. Now I only met her for a short period of time, but I bet that the pots and pans and utensils are in a very sorry state. I will NOT work in a dirty kitchen. Do you have a dishwasher? Great. First job will be to clean the kitchen top to bottom. EVERYONE will help out, in shifts. ALL forks, knives, etc go in dishwasher. Every single pot, pan, skillet, sheet pan will be pulled out, washed with degreasing soap, rinsed. Then they will all be rewashed with regular dish soap and rinsed and set to dry in a 250 degree oven. THEN we will fill the sink with about 3 inches of water while measuring how many quarts of water it took, Then we measure the same amount of white vinegar and add it to the mix. The best disinfectant mix is 50/50 water/vinegar. We soak all the plates and utensils for 10 minutes, then they get thoroughly rinsed using the ‘rinse’ cycle of the dishwasher, completely dried and put away. Same with the pots and pans. Counters and sink washed and disinfected (again, 50/50 water/vinegar), floor mopped (last). We will need bleach, white vinegar, degreasing soap, floor wash, regular liquid soap. I will take care of cleaning the stove and oven(s). I will also check for traces of cockroaches and/or mice and take appropriate action. Do you have a microwave? Great. Pushing to all ‘this guy is SERIOUS about his food, man did we luck out, we HAVE to keep him’)
1st and a half) this is sort of a corollary to the first rule. Robert Heinlein coined an expression ‘TANSTAAFL’. It means There Ain’t No Such Thing As A Free Lunch. Or, in modern speak, nothing comes for free. If you are simply here to find a rich guy to marry, you are selling yourselves short. There’s no reason NOT to marry a rich guy, but there is no reason you should not excel in your chosen field. You can be an MD or a dentist or an astronaut or cure cancer or find a vaccine to protect from catching AIDS or be a great teacher. This country REALLY needs more great teachers. So study hard. (Pushing to mom, only: “Oh man I REALLY want this guy around. What a great influence.”)
2nd) I need to know everyone’s dietary restrictions whether religious, moral or allergies. And please, if you are Jewish but do not follow the dietary laws BY CHOICE and not simply by necessity please do not write down ‘kosher’. If you are kosher, you must indicate if you are orthodox kosher, meaning that a rabbi must be involved, or ‘simple kosher’ meaning that I just have to follow the dietary laws. If we have any orthodox Jews in the sorority, then I will have the sorority buy a second set of plates and utensils and glasses for twice the number so that you can invite friends over. I understand kashrut and treif, even though I am not Jewish. I can also make quite a few pareve dishes as well so that meat and dairy products do not get mixed. Ditto for the Muslims, let me know if you follow the dietary laws. BY CHOICE is the key here. I can do vegetarian and vegan. And, by the way, to make a point, at some point I will make an absolutely delicious vegan meal. It is not only possible, but easy. Oh, and also write down food that you hate. For example, I hate anchovies, although I do sometimes use small pieces to provide background umami to certain dishes, such as when I make a tomato sauce from scratch. But you can’t actually taste the anchovies. And please let me know if you don’t like fish. I do AMAZING stuff with fish, so I will probably make a fish dish (with a backup dish) for people to taste. Fair warning. (While pushing ‘this guy is interesting, sounds like a great cook, and a nice guy. He’d be great to have around’ to all the sisters present ).
3rd) Me “How much did the previous cook make? $2400 a month. OK, you are going to be surprised to hear this, but I don’t want a salary. Well, not in cash at least. I don’t have a lot of money and I am paying to stay in a motel—a cheap roach motel. I would like to sleep here.” Mom started to get a somewhat angry look on her face and started to open her mouth. (I pushed “listen to him first”.) Me “wait, let me finish. I am not asking to sleep with any of the sisters, or even upstairs. I will sleep down here on the couch. Several benefits. First, less time for me to prepare (that’s MY benefit) AND available to make late night snacks for my favorite sisters. Second, you have a live in bodyguard near the front door.” (Mom started looking thoughtful). Third, it makes me more available for tutoring services. Oh, right, nobody knew. Mary originally invited me over to tutor two of her sisters who are having problems in French. Remember that I lived in Paris? I also attended university in France. I am also available to tutor in basic algebra, geometry, economics, physics, history, and other stuff. I insist on BASIC subjects- no graduate classes.” (Pushing yet again: “God, we really want this guy around”). Mom got a very thoughtful look on her face. Me: “OK, I like short and simple in most things. You, the chapter president basically run things and the sisters come to you with problems, right? (Nod from the chapter president). So, I would like to give you a short nickname instead of calling you ‘chapter president’; just for me to use unless you find it insulting, in which case I won’t use it. Personally, I think it is a compliment—it is one of the most demanding and important roles in the world. I would like to call you ‘mom’. Do you agree? It really is a compliment.” And of course I pushed “wow, that really is a compliment. And kind of neat.”)
She replied, with a smile: “OK, but just you, nobody else
4th) Continuation of the rules. Since I won’t be getting a salary, I insist on suggesting how to spend that $2400 every month. I underline suggesting. Mom obviously gets a veto—they are just suggestions. At first I will probably be using it for equipment around the house, especially cooking equipment. But if you have plumbing issues I can help with that as well, I started doing plumbing work (and building fences, and doing yard work) to make money during summers when I was about 15. I can easily fix toilets and leaky faucets with no problems. I am pretty much a factotum. Look at me, using the big words; it means “jack of all trades”. But I refuse to repair anything involving gas—it’s too dangerous if I screw something up—call a professional for that. After the basics have been taken care of, I INSIST that half of the money go into the ‘emergency account’. WHAT? You don’t have one? That has to change. You HAVE to have one” (while pushing to mom “damnit, he’s right”)
5) tutoring. NO FIGHTING or BOTH ladies get dropped from tutoring. I am not the queen of the sorority (with a disarming smile: ‘In fact I am not a queen at all’. (Laughter) You can fight about other stuff IN THE PRIVACY OF YOUR OWN ROOMS. Personally I think the great thing about being in a sorority is that you have sisters, and that fighting is counter-productive. I do not make the rules, but I hate discord. Remember that you are all sisters and should be supporting one another, not tearing each other down. (PUSH to mom again ‘man this guy is a great influence’) Anyhow, we will figure out what subjects need to be tutored and set up a schedule. Hopefully there will be multiple sisters for each subject. That would certainly make it easier for me. However, you remember TANSTAAFL? You will be paying for the tutorials. But you won’t be paying ME, you will be paying the house. (Mom looks surprised and happy.)
You will be doing stuff that will save the house money that can be added to the emergency fund. Doing the basic yard work such as raking leaves, mowing the lawn, etc so that you can fire the gardener. Washing the windows. Cleaning the common areas, vacuuming the carpets, cleaning the bathrooms, etc., so that you can fire the maid. I absolutely REFUSE to support any work where a sister has to get on a ladder over three feet tall, so you will need to occasionally hire someone to clean gutters and wash the windows on the second floor. (Then, said with a grin) Of course, young guys are sometimes really stupid because they often think with their gonads. I bet that you can convince some fraternity brothers to do those ’tall jobs’ when they are needed. They can be rewarded by being invited over to dinner after an afternoon of work. If you just HAPPEN to only be wearing T-shirts and boxer shorts that night for dinner, I don’t think that you will have any problem getting your gutters cleaned or the 32nd floor windows washed.
But do NOT over do it—don’t have them do stuff that you can do yourselves, or they will figure it out soon enough. Just ask them to do the stuff you can’t do. Also, we ALL will be working on installing a garden in the back. First for fresh herbs, then a big bin for sugar snap peas, French green beans, snow pea and regular peas and maybe kale and Swiss chard. Then another bin for strawberries and raspberries and another for tomatoes. Nothing beats freshly picked ripe tomatoes or strawberries out of the garden for taste difference from store bought. A medium sized one one for zucchini and cucumbers. Maybe one for different types of melons. A small one for root vegetables like carrots and radishes (wait til you taste my pickled radishes) and turnips and parsnips. I’ll show you how to start from seed, then transplant, which organic fertilizers are best, etc. (Push to all “did this guy just walk out of heaven? I wish he was 20 years younger”). I started gardening when I was about 10 years old, so I have been doing this for quite a while. I want an ORGANIC garden. I think that me moving in is properly a group decision, so I am going for a walk while you have a house meeting. Back in 20 minutes.” I came back and got a very enthusiastic response. A unanimous, synchronized YES!
Me “Well, I’ve paid through tomorrow but I’d like to get out of that fleabag this evening. Do I have a volunteer to drive me over and pick up my meager belongings?” We drove over, picked up my shit, told the manager that I wouldn’t be back even though I was paid through 11AM tomorrow. I stopped and asked for empty cartons at a supermarket, then at an office supply store to buy some of those huge black paper clips (?binder clips?) that hold 40-60 pages together. When we got back to the sorority I said “OK, we need to move this couch about 3 feet from the wall so that I can build my ‘chest of drawers’ for my clothes”. Task done, I said to the group, including mom, “Oh, and part of the first couple of months ‘free non salary money’ is going to be used to buy me new clothes. Mine are in tatters. I don’t mind wearing them around the house or sleeping in them but look” (and took out about 8 T-shirts). Look of horror on their faces. I’d like to wash them all tonight, with vinegar in the bleach drawer, take a shower, and borrow somebody’s HUGE sleep T-shirt for just tonight. Oh, and the new clothes—don’t worry, I don’t buy Gucci.” Laughter ensues. “I generally buy at used clothing stores, such as Goodwill. Dress shirts around $5-$7, nice pants about $7-$10, T-shirts around $3-$6. Maybe one nice dress belt, and new socks and underwear—around $4 per bag of 5 or 6. Oh, and a cooking apron if there isn’t one here that will fit me. Total cost should be around $50-$75.”
Mom: “NOT a problem at all. I will even give you an advance on your non-salary.” (with a smile) “Who is available to drive him sometime tomorrow?”
Me” “ WAIT. First, nobody skips classes for this. Now I hope that this doesn’t sound insulting, but the driver should be someone with fashion sense ... because I have NONE”. More laughter. So the next day I had freshly washed, clean tatters at the house, two new dress pants (cotton- no dry cleaning for me), two new button-down dress shirts which I could wear with either pair of dress pants, a tie which I could wear with either shirt, two pair of Levis, two pairs of halfway decent shorts, six short-sleeved T-shirts, three long-sleeved T-shirts, a bag of 6 new underwear, a bag of 5 new pairs of socks, an old (but decent) pants belt, and an almost brand-new leather dress belt and the LARGEST kitchen apron that they had. For the T-shirts I tended to pick ones that had funny expressions on them. One said “Hill? What hill? I don’t remember going over any hill!” I also bought a massively over-sized T-shirt in crappy shape for $1 for a sleep shirt. I stopped at a ‘basic barber, not a stylist, and got a standard ‘long crew cut’ haircut for $8.
When I got back to the house, I went straight to mom, who was in the front room with 5 sisters, and said “I’m sorry, i went over budget. I said $75, and it cost $115 with the haircut.” Mom said: “well, what’s done is done. And you clean up nice. And, honestly that was less than two days’ wages for the old cook. BUT DON’T MAKE A HABIT OUT OF IT! (With a smile). But I want a complete fashion show of the new clothes and i want it NOW.” One of the sisters jumped up, ran upstairs and yelled (loudly) “Mr C is going to give us a fashion show of his new clothes, NOW”. Within 15 seconds, thunder of feet running down the stairs and the entire sorority is standing around the walls of the front room. I started blushing. Mom says “You can use the front bathroom to change.— get to it!” The sisters start laughing.
So I slink into the front bathroom, use the shower curtain rod to hang everything on and think what should I wear as the first outfit. Then I grin, put on some shorts and the “over the hill” T-shirt and sashay out with a fashion model walk with my arms crossed over the front of the T-shirt to hide the text, and do a few spins, shake my butt, stop while facing them and remove my arms from the front of the T-shirt. The entire room broke out in raucous laughter. Mom, who could barely talk she was laughing so hard, said “that alone was worth the over-spend”. Then I changed into each of the dress pants, wearing both shirts with each pair of pants, holding up the tie to show that it worked with both all four ‘combos’ of pants/shirts. After, I simply held up the levis pants and said no reason to model this. I held up each t-shirt to my front, without putting them on, saying no reason to put this on. “But I do have ONE more thing to model.” So I went back into the bathroom and put on the kitchen apron, and covered the front with my HUGE sleeping shirt, which hid the text on the apron.
Me: I said with a smile “I bought a ‘HUGE’ sleeping shirt which goes almost to my knees so people won’t know if I am wearing boxers or going commando”. That got a laugh out of everyone, even mom. Me: “I also bought a big kitchen apron which should protect a bit of my arms and the tatters I will probably been wearing when cooking.” I ripped off the sleep T and everybody started laughing because the text on the front of the apron said “Do NOT mess with the cook.”
I had bonded with the entire sorority with almost no ‘pushing’, except at the beginning, but that was “you want him to stay” and not “you want to fuck him”. I was kind, I was funny, I listened, and they loved the food. But then something happened the 4th week that changed everything—it turbocharged my relationship with the sisters. I heard loud noses in the front yard around 11 PM on a Friday, and then several loud “NO NO STOP”. I jumped up, opened the door, and there was Mary getting assaulted by her date, who had his hand up her T-shirt. I said “You should really stop that.”
Him “Butt out, old man.”
I took out my phone and started videoing (he didn’t notice because he head returned to mauling her breasts). Mary was screaming STOP! NO! I asked Mary “Do you want him to continue?” Mary “Hell no, I don’t want anything to do with this asshole.” He then slapped her. I said “I am placing you under citizen’s arrest for sexual assault”. He repeated “Butt out, old man”. Me “There is another term for old, it is ‘experienced’. And since I spent 8 years in the US Marines, learning how to maim and kill people, I wouldn’t ignore me. I am NOT threatening you, just informing you of facts. I repeat, you are under citizen’s arrest.” And I turned off my phone and put it in my back pocket. He turned around quickly and punched me in the stomach. I grinned, and he was shocked that I had no reaction. Me “What part of ’8 years in the Marine corps’ did you not understand? Well, you have proven that I am going to have to physically subdue you to enforce the citizen’s arrest.” Two gut punches, a kick to the balls, and an ‘ankle trip’ and he was flat on his back. I rolled him over, told him to cross his wrists, and tightened a zip tie over them. “Cross your ankles “ and I put a zip tie over them. “Put your knees together” and put a zip tie over them. He was now tied like a hog. He yelled “you aren’t going to get away with this, my dad is best friends with the mayor and the police chief.” I said “well, thank you for that wonderful insight”.
I then brought Mary inside, hugged her and said “I have something VERY important to do, so please sit calmly. You are safe with me.” She was still sniffling a bit. Me: “Relax, you are safe now.” I pulled out my cell, hit speed dial, and when the call was answered said “tell the chief that the Marine that saved his life is on the phone, it is very urgent and may be a matter of life or death.” The chief of the state police was on the line in 10 seconds. I explained about the AT MINIMUM sexual assault and possible attempted rape and that the perp bragged that his dad was friends with the mayor and the police chief. That the lady who got attacked would get NO justice if detained by local police, that the state police had to get here first, arrest him first and take him out of the local jurisdiction. We are at Psi Omega Psi sorority, 123 yada yada drive, Crapshot University. Get your three closest state patrol cars here ASAP, lights and sirens. Have him immediately arrested for assault (he hit me) and sexual assault before the locals show up, and MAKE SURE that he gets read his Miranda rights. If the locals object have the officers say ‘sate collar, state prisoner, and attempted rape and sexual assault are STATE crimes’. Get to it Sarge. Bye.”
Mary was just staring at me. Me: “Oh, I served with the current head of the state police. Two tours in Iraq. I saved his life once. He keeps saying that he owes me, but I’ve never asked him for anything until tonight. Now, I have to make USB thumb drives with video of tonight’s events to give to the police when they get here.” I put together a thumb drive with video from all 3 front security cameras (MAN was I happy that I had installed an 8 camera, full perimeter HD video security system, WITH AUDIO, the week before. That had been part of my ‘suggestion’ for ‘my salary dispense’ the week before). I added my cell phone video to the USB thumb drive. I then made two copies, and left a copy on the hard drive of the computer. Just as I finished making the third copy, lights and sirens. State patrol car pulls up, two State troopers jump out and ask “what’s going on here?? I replied “I placed him under citizen’s arrest for assault (he hit me) and for sexual assault and possibly attempted rape. I made you two copies of the security camera footage (I had decided to keep a copy for myself). The guy I arrested had laughed and said he’d get off because his dad was friends with the mayor and the police chief. So please arrest him, read him his Miranda rights and get him off to STATE jail out of the county before the locals show up. (Said insincerely) It’s really a shame that it’s late Friday night so no bail hearing will be possible to be held until Monday.“ I smiled. They arrested him, read him his rights (I videoed the whole thing in case he later claimed they never read him his rights—exactly what he did. Perjury was added to his list of crimes.) They put him in the back of the car and sped off.
I had noticed LOTS of faces starting out of the windows of the house. When I went back inside, I got tackled to the ground by the 5 girls on the ground floor (Apparently Mary had told them what I had done). Feet running down the stairs, and it was a whole-house pileup on top of me on the living room floor, except mom, who was leaning against the wall with a small ‘Mona Lisa’ smile and shaking her head. I managed to croak out “I can’t breathe, you are going to kill me”. I have never seen 25 women roll away so fast. I whispered “let me catch my breath.” Mom said “Well, then you can listen while catching your breath. I rather surprised myself when I allowed you to move in and sleep on the couch. But the food has been fantastic—I HATE fish and I have loved every fish dish you have made, such as the cajun blackened salmon and most especially the trout ‘en poche’ with sautéed shallots, thyme, orange slices, and steamed in white wine in its little parchment ‘pocket’. The place has never looked better, because nobody wants to disappoint you, so nobody slacks on cleaning or gardening duties. Your dedication to the house was shown when you enrolled at the university, even though you already have a degree, simply so that you could qualify to join the house. BTW, I do NOT want to know how you talked them into letting you enroll. (Smile). ALL of the sisters grades in EVERY class are on the rise because you tutor anyone in anything, and you inspire them. I have never met someone who knows so much about so many things—one doesn’t expect a guy to be able to tutor French, Italian, astronomy, physics, economy, psychology, as well as all of Greek, Roman, medieval and renaissance history. Grades are also up because again nobody wants to disappoint you and everyone is studying on their own much harder. Your recent ‘I don’t get a salary’ suggestion, the security cameras, was unbelievably spot on. I am glad that you managed to talk me into it. Honestly, the first two days you were here, I was second guessing myself about letting you stay here. (Boos from all the sisters.) I SAID ‘for the first two days’. That attitude quickly evaporated. This is my 2nd year as chapter president and I am now convinced that letting you move in and then accepting you as a sister is the best decision I have ever made. (Cheers all around.)
Me: “OK, I have caught my breath. First, thanks for the compliments. I enjoy it here. These are vivacious, smart, articulate women—exactly the type of people I like hanging around with and studying with. Unfortunately, I am not feeling so good about myself tonight.” I got a LOT of “what?!!?” comments from the ladies, including ‘mom’. Me: “I have been remiss in supporting my sisters”. Again, I got a LOT of “what?!!?” comments from the ladies—well, more like “Are you fucking crazy?” Me: “It didn’t even occur to me to teach you all the basics of self-defense. I am an IDIOT.” Lots of consoling from the ladies, and pooh-poohing. Me: “Shit, I have 8 years experience in the Marine Corps, and it never occurred to me. Although to be honest, I wouldn’t be the best person to teach you self-defense.” Mary: “Well, you sure seemed to be able to take care of that asshole tonight!” followed by a chorus of “YES you DID!” Me: “Well, that is because I have 8 years experience, training every day. I know how to pull my punches, I know where NOT to hit so that I didn’t destroy his kidneys. You have to understand that I am a VERY highly trained professional killer. With multiple different weapons, including sniper rifles, fully automatic carbines, different machine pistols, different hand pistols, different types of knives including throwing knives, bow and arrow, crossbows, and hand-to-hand, including hand-to-hand against people armed with nothing, or knives, or pistols. (Jaws had dropped all over the room.) If I taught you how to fight, I’d be teaching you how to kill. Because that is what I know, what I was trained to do. I don’t want that for you and you shouldn’t want that. You’d end up in jail. You need YEARS of experience to know what to do and what not to do and which one is appropriate for the situation. I can teach you simple basics, but that might not be enough. It would be better than nothing, but you might not prevail and end up just pissing him off. Tomorrow I start a search for a local, urban self-defense studio. Mary, what time is your last class? You’ll come with me so I can get your opinion on whichever studios we visit.
Now sisters, a complete change of subject. I have a few questions. Does anyone have a test this coming Mon or Tue?” (Head shakes ’no’ all around.) “Has everyone finished their homework for Mon?” (Mostly nods, but a few embarrassed looks.) “For those of who haven’t quite finished yet, it is something difficult or in depth or a writing assignment?” (All nos, except for one.) “OK, Jane, what is your assignment?” (Hanging her head. “I have to write 500 words on something that I have experienced or seen that has profoundly marked me.") “Well, after tonight, I think writing that will be pretty easy for you, no?” (She smiled and started laughing. ‘Yeah I think it will write itself’.) “Well, I was planning on doing this tomorrow night as a surprise, but it will be tonight’s surprise instead. With mom’s permission, I declare tonight ‘midnight movie night’. I rented a rom-com on DVD and I’ll go make a few tubs of popcorn, and we can nestle under blankets and watch “La La Land” YAY! We had a lot of fun.
Next day, I asked mom (in private) “can we have an evening movie night tonite?”. She smiled and said “not a problem, the girls all loved it”. Me “Yeah, I wanted to change the mood, especially for Mary, after what happened last night”. Mom: “another reason why I like having you around. You not only inspire, and encourage, but you are so thoughtful of others”. Me “OK, I wanted to ask you this in private. Do you remember that last week I asked about any house policy on lesbian sex between sisters? (Mom blushed, and said ‘yes’.) You said that there was no policy, so that it would be tolerated. I want your permission to talk about it tonight, and de-stigmatize the whole idea, so that the ladies should feel free to do as they wish without being hassled or embarrassed—I think they will listen to me.” Mom, with I big smile “Yeah, I think that they will. Definitely.” Me “It’s for everybody’s mental health. Besides, I have an ulterior motive.” (Mom : ‘what ulterior motive?”) Me: “You’ll find out tonight along with everybody else. So do I have your permission?” (Mom nods)
So at lunch, (almost) everybody was there and I stood up and did the classic “ring the glass by softly hitting it with a knife” to get everybody’s attention.
Me: “I have been thinking that I would like to start a new tradition in the house : Saturday movie night. (Squeals, ladies jumping up and down in their chairs, and some clapping). It sounds like a majority is in favor, so tonight will be the first Sat movie night. We will be starting a bit late tonight, because I have to go into town and check out self defense studios. Concerning Sat movie night, first, there is NO mandatory attendance—maybe you don’t like the film, maybe you’ve already seen it, maybe you hate one of the actors, maybe you have a date. Of course (I said with a grin) Friday nights are also available for dates. Personally, I don’t like Woody Allen as AN ACTOR. On the other hand, I think he has been a really fantastic DIRECTOR for the last 20 or 30 years—I really didn’t like most of his early stuff. Anyhow, nobody has to come. BUT, I will expect everyone to have finished schoolwork due Mon or Tue before the film starts. (I see mom out of the corner of my eye with a small, pleased smile on her face.) We will make up some VERY informal rules as we go along, as people get ideas. For example, I think that we should set up a suggestion box next to my bed-couch where anybody can suggest a film or an informal rule, and we can vote on suggestions after each week’s film. I personally do not like most of the Star Trek movies (although I like many of the various TV shows) and I don’t like horror films AT ALL, with a very few exceptions such as the comedies, say ’Scream’, or really well done ones such as ‘Get Out’ which is more of a very dark mystery with elements of horror rather than a true horror film. It is depressing and scary as hell, but a really well-made movie. It was nominated for 4 oscars, and won one, for best screenplay. We don’t have to play just recent movies, we could do classics. I am sure that some of you have never seen most of the classic, “best picture” nominated movies from the 40s, 50s, 60s and 70s. I am embarrassed to admit that I have never seen ‘Casablanca’ or ‘The Maltese Falcon’ from start to finish, but I have seen maybe a third of both movies (combined over several different times). Heck, we could have ’series’ of films which will be a sequence of movies based on a certain theme, actor, or director, like Bogart or Cary Grant, or Grace Kelly, or Chaplain, or Paul Newman, or Hitchcock, or Scorsese, or Coppola, or Spielberg, or Kubrick or Woody Allen, or Mel Brooks. You get the idea. I would like to play them in chronological order. Hell, ‘To Catch a Thief’ combines Cary Grant, Grace Kelly, and Hitchcock in the same film!
Now, since there aren’t any rules yet, and I want to give you a week or more to be able to talk about this among yourselves, I have taken the liberty of picking tonight’s movie, and next week’s movie, and I’ll tell you what they are. Tonight is an Emma Stone move from earlier in her career : ‘Easy A’. It is an ironic comedy set at a high school. Emma Stone was nominated for a Golden globe for her performance. Next week’s movie was directed by Woody Allen and is fairly recent, not one of his old ‘gonzo crazy’ movies. It is called “Midnight in Paris”, it was nominated for four oscars, including best picture and it won “best original screenplay”. It is a, well I would call it a ‘fantasy comedy film’ and that is all that I will say about it. OH! I just thought of another two I would like to show, so it looks like you are going to get a month to figure out rules and movies to present. The first is called ‘Sliding Doors’ and is kind of a mysterious rom-com based on the idea of what happens when you miss something by a few seconds. The movie is split into two ’time-lines’ because of the fact that she makes it onto the tube train just barely in time (in one time line) and what different future she has when she arrives 5 seconds later and the doors shut in her face and she has to wait for the next train (in the other time line). I’m not really spoiling anything here as you find this out in the first 5 minutes of the film. It stars Gwyneth Paltrow. I honestly do not understand why it was not nominated for any oscars. It WAS nominated for ‘best film’ at the BAFTAs (basically the British version of the oscars). I just love the story and the unique idea of the screenplay. I think that you will love it. The other movie I want to show you also stars Gwyneth Paltrow and is called ‘Shakespeare in Love’. I won’t tell you much about the film, except both of these Gwyneth Paltrow films were made the same year, it obviously involves Shakespeare, it is a romantic comedy, and what I LOVE about it is that the film has lines from some Shakespeare plays in the background, not part of the main dialog, say spoken by a street vendor that they are walking past. It won SEVEN oscars, including best picture, best male lead AND best female lead. ‘Sliding Doors’ also stars John Hannah, who I love, but you probably don’t know who he is. CRAP, now I have a fifth film to show you. Has anybody seen ‘four weddings and a funeral’? (Everyone shakes their head ‘no’). OH MY GOD. OK, I definitely now have FIVE movies I want to show you. ‘Four weddings and a funeral’ stars (among others) Hugh Grant, Andie MacDowell, John Hannah, and even Rowan Atkinson (who you probably know as ‘Mr Bean’). It was nominated for 2 oscars : Best picture and best screenplay. It was nominated for 5 BAFTAs: Best actor (which it won, Hugh Grant) and TWO nominations each for ‘Best Actor in a Supporting Role’ and ‘Best Actress in a Supporting Role’. You can tell I am serious about making this ‘movie night thing’ great, and am not fucking around. Oops, sorry for my language”. Smiles all around.
Me “If you decide that you want to do ’series’, I myself personally would like to start with Hitchcock, and definitely in chronological order. I doubt that I’ll be able to find ALL of his work, especially the early stuff from England, but he filmed great movies in England before he moved to the U.S., where he (eventually) filmed ‘Dial M for Murder’, a wonderful murder mystery but not done in the usual manner. Some of his great movies from Britain were ‘The 39 steps’. Also ‘The Man Who Knew Too Much’. Has anybody seen that? (Everybody shakes their head no). And by ‘The Man Who Knew Too Much’, I mean the original that made in England. Hitchcock rather amusingly (to me) remade it in the US about 20 years later with Jimmy Stewart and Doris Day. Personally, I don’t like Doris Day, I don’t know why. But I also just like the original better. And if we do ‘series’, especially Hitchcock who has made so many movies, we might just have to ‘suck it up’ and have both Sat and Wed movie nights. (I smile, they laugh and start hooting and clapping). Remember, all homework that is due over the next two days must be finished BEFORE the movie starts. (Again I see mom out of the corner of my eye with a smile on her face.) OK then, see you all in the TV room tonight—I will be starting the movie at 8PM tonight. YOU ALL get to decide for following weeks if you’d like to start a little earlier or a little later. Or a completely different time for Wed night. And YOU ALL should talk about and vote about this idea that just occurred to me. Wed movie night could the the ’series’ night, and Sat night could be ‘great movie night’. Actually, I have just decided that we will START that way, with Hitchcock on Wed nights, and YOU decide if you want to keep it that way. And YOU ALL should vote on whether or not guests should be allowed. They have to get a WRITTEN invitation, with a copy filed with ‘mom’ (smiles from all). SHE can veto any proposed guest and so can I, and either mom or myself can stop the film and order the guest to leave. If someone is vetoed or kicked out, no pouting, no complaints—we will have our reason(s) and we don’t even need to explain why. And you should inform them that they should be on their best behavior—that your sorority sisters ARE your sisters and best friends and respect is the #1 priority, followed by simple politeness. Acting like an asshole will get them banned. Warn them that this is a privilege, and not a right. I would like to meet the invited guest at least 3 days before that movie night. (Remember dear readers, I can ‘read’ people’s feelings and moods and sometimes even thoughts and I really wanted to know if they were assholes or not before subjecting them to my sisters.) Is everybody clear on MY requirements?” Nods from all the sisters. “I need a verbal confirmation”. ‘Yes’ from everyone.
So later that Sat afternoon Mary and I visited a few self-defense studios. Some were OK, some were shit. Then I hit the mother lode. It was just starting to be dusk, and we were out front watching the class through the front plate glass windows. I said “well, this one seems promising, but it looks like either an intermediate or advanced class. After class is over and the girls leave (the girls were all in their teens, from about 13 through 16 or so) we will go in and talk to the instructor.” So the girls leave, we go in and I start to say “Hello, we are here for” and the teacher interrupts and says “men aren’t welcome here.” I reply “So you are a genderist, a female chauvinist pig? Do I need to file a civil suit because you are breaking the law and infringing on my civil rights?” She did NOT like that AT ALL, opened her mouth to retort, but then the door to the back opened and I heard a shout : “CAPPY!” (That was my Marine callsign / nickname.) I look over and yell “DUSTY—thank GOD you made it home!” And ran over and hugged her, picking her up and swinging her around. The teacher’s jaw was almost on the floor (yes, exaggeration) her mouth was open so wide.
I put Dusty down and turned to Mary and said “We served together, sort of, in Iraq. We called her ‘Dusty’ because she was fearless doing dustoffs, which is flying a helo through enemy fire to pick up a squad or sometimes two squads to evacuate them and get them home. I would have to take off my shoes to count the number of times she risked it all to pick up me and my crew. She saved our lives so many times.” I turned back to ‘Dusty’ and said “God, I am so glad you made it back you crazy bitch. You would fly directly into machine gun fire to pick us up.” I turned back to Mary and said “Dusty is one of the rare helo pilots that qualified as an ace. She shot down 4 enemy helos, two fighter jets, and destroyed EIGHT enemy surface to air missile installations and also found a camouflaged ammo dump and blew it to hell. Well, at least while I was there; I mustered out before her, so her score probably went up after I left.”
Dusty said “you seem to have forgotten that you saved MY life a couple of times. You saw the two insurgents who had snuck up beside me, that I didn’t see, and smoked them both before they could shoot me. And the time that I did get shot and the co-pilot had to fly us home and you sewed me up while flying back in the helo? And somehow convinced a British hospital ship that was 25 minutes closer than ours to let us land on THEIR ship and have them operate on me because I was bleeding out?” Me: (a bit blushing, but also with a smile) “Well, Marine combat medic, what was I supposed to do, piss on you to make it all better?” (Dusty laughed.)
Me: “How rude of me. This is Mary, she was attacked recently and I felt bad that I hadn’t taught any of my sisters basic self-defense moves.” Dusty : “Sisters??” Mary: “Yes, he’s my sister. He’s a member of my sorority. Thank God. I was getting molested last night in front of the house, he came out and dropped the guy like a dirty, used Kleenex in about a second and a half, then trussed him up like a pig and called the state police to come arrest him and take him out of county because his family is “IN” with both the mayor and the local police chief. He is currently cooling his heals in a STATE prison. Mr C is also the house cook, and MAN is he a great cook.” Dusty, with a smile: “yeah that sounds a lot like Cappy. But Cappy, why aren’t YOU training them? You are GOOD.” Me: “Because if I taught them how to fight, I’d be teaching them how to kill. That is what I know. I don’t want to do that. So, I figured I would find a self-defense studio in town to teach basic, urban self defense to my sisters (such as carrying your keys in your fist with the longest key sticking out from between the fingers) and always maintaining total awareness of surroundings, trying to leave in groups when possible, basic defense moves, and other useful stuff. Some of the studios I visited are OK, but I think I found the place I want them to train: here. I watched the last 10 minutes of the most recent class, and this teacher is really good. The only problem might be is if she can’t get past the fact that I have a penis.” (which I said with a straight face.)
Still talking to Dusty : “So do you have time and room for a new beginners class? If so, what days and times would be available? My sisters have classes and they will have to work it into their schedules. And there are about 25 of them so one class might be too much for all of them to be together after the first few basic classes with the easy stuff. Should we split it into 3 classes of about 8, or 2 classes of about 12? What would be best?” Dusty: “My partner and I will work out the possibilities and get back to you. Oh, my partner here is Bethany. (Mary immediately chirped in “And this is Mr C”.) Here’s my business card, and let me write my cell number on the back of it. But are you seriously handing us 25 new students?” Me: “Well, first I’d like to see your pricing sheet. (She went and got one for me, I spent a minute looking it over.) I expect a discount / wholesale price. 15-25 new paying students all at once? An entire class or two? And I honestly don’t know how many want to sign up. I think that after what happened last night, and they were all looking out the windows when I dropped that motherfucking cocksucker to the ground, that they are inclined to get at least some training. Some may only go through the basic class, some may continue on. I don’t know, it’s THEIR decision, not mine. If I can talk the chapter president (’the boss’ sotto voice) into it, maybe you could come over for dinner soon, meet the ladies and have a nice dinner. You’ll have to let me know minimum a day in advance if there are any food restrictions. You know, allergies, vegetarian, etc. Oh, and you have to PROMISE me that you won’t teach them how to kill. Teach hem how to escalate their defense as appropriate, up to maiming, but NOT to kill. Give me two more of your cards, please.” I put the original one and one other in my wallet, and wrote “Cappy” on the back, and “sorority” and phone number on one line, and “cell” and phone number underneath the first line, and my email address under that. “Now you can get ahold of me when needed.”
When Mary and I got back to the house, we went straight to talk to mom. Me: “I think I found the perfect place for classes. The teacher is great, even if she is a bigot. (strange look from mom) Yeah, she is biased against people who happen, through no fault of their own, to have a penis. My polite suggestion for this month’s ’non-salary’ is to pay for beginner’s self defense for all the ladies of the house INCLUDING YOU. We haven’t exactly come to terms on pricing yet, but I did more than hint that if I delivered two complete classes, that I wanted a wholesale discount. I would actually like to invite them over for dinner soon so they can meet the sisters and start the bonding process. Do I have your permission to invite them over for dinner some night?”
May started gushing: “One of the owners served with Mr C in Iraq, and saved his bacon a few times by flying in a helo to pick them up while under fire. And SHE said that Mr C saved her life a couple of times as well. I really think that we should invite them over and let them get to know us.” Mom smiled “you do, do you?” Mary replied: “ Hey we might get a much better price if they like us.” Mom: “Sounds like a good idea. Set it up Mr C.”
That night at 8:30PM, I stood up and asked “Everybody here?” Everybody nodded. Me: “OK, I asked the sorority president for permission to talk about stuff that I feel is important. I want to do it before the film, before you are all tired. She doesn’t really know what I am going to say, except one subject that I specifically asked permission to talk about. You have heard me call myself a ‘California Hippy’ quite a few times, right? (Nods all around) I will go into a little more detail. I grew up very close to Berkeley and not far from San Francisco. Being close to Berkeley, and a being a hippy, let’s just say that as a teen had a LOT of fun with the fairer sex, and I mean a LOT, and repeatedly. (Giggles) Then, I went to UC Santa Cruz for university, which I personally called ‘hippy south’ because it seemed that many of the hippies that decided to leave Berkeley moved to Santa Cruz. So I had a lot of fun at UCSC as well. Frankly, it was a miracle that I graduated, since I spent so much time NOT studying (more giggles). Now, that really wasn’t the point of this mini-speech, but I wanted to get you in a relaxed mood before getting to the serious stuff. The other thing that hippies are known for are drugs. Yes, I did LIGHT drugs, such as alcohol, well before the legal age, as well as marijuana before it was legalized. I managed to crawl out of the hole that I had dug for myself, thank God. Some of my friends, or friends of my friends, didn’t, and they went a lot further and they ended up dead. I lost over 10 friends during school and even more than that the first few years after graduation. So I have a very important message here : DON’T DO DRUGS. Look around the room. Seriously, look at ALL of your sisters. LOOK, NOW, AT EVERYONE. Look them in their eyes. (Everyone looks around.) Do you want to go to any of their funerals? (Fast shakes of heads NO). Don’t even do alcohol, not even beer. First, alcohol literally eats away at your brain cells. It slowly destroys them. And for many other reasons, just skip alcohol. You are here to LEARN, to fill your brain with knowledge and not slowly destroy your brain. And don’t ever leave a drink unattended, even a coke or sprite, such as when you head to the bathroom, and then come back and drink it. There are unscrupulous guys that will try to roofie you. If you are there with a FEMALE friend that you trust, put your drink directly in front of her and cover the top with a napkin. Then tell her, keep your hand around this and don’t take your eyes of it or let anybody touch it.
OK, next subject. I grew up rather close to SF in the 70s. I have a rather tolerant attitude about homosexuality. My attitude about most things actually is that if someone isn’t hurting anybody else, it is none of my business and they should be allowed to do it. As ADULTS of course. My attitude is that if YOU PERSONALLY think that something is wrong, then YOU PERSONALLY shouldn’t do it. I also believe that if YOU PERSONALLY think something its wrong that YOU do NOT get to tell others that they cannot do it (if they are not hurting anybody else). Even if YOUR God says it shouldn’t be done. Not everyone believes in the same God. Remember that we have a constitutional guarantee of freedom of religion, and we should not be passing laws based on religious beliefs. I have an example. In the Jewish faith, in their holy books it says ‘do not eat pork’. In the Christian faith, in their holy book it says ‘do not eat pork’. In the Muslim faith, in their holy book it says ‘do not eat pork’. In the Buddhist faith, they believe ‘do not eat any meat’. So, should we pass a law that outlaws the sale of bacon? Yes, an outrageous example, but absolutely to the point. People WHO ARE NOT HURTING OTHERS should not be judged based on YOUR religious principles. Now I brought up this prelude for a reason.
Remember, I grew up close to SF. I asked ‘mom’ (grins all around, they thought it was funny that I called her mom—nobody else was allowed to, however) what are the house rules on lesbianism. (SHOCKED looks on most faces). She said that there wasn’t one. I think that you shouldn’t judge your sisters any differently because they may be gay, or bi. Some people swing both ways, even if they may have a slight preference one way or another. You already closely know one another, everybody’s character, etc. If two sisters wish to experiment, that is their business and they shouldn’t be judged for it. YOU ALREADY KNOW THEM AS CLOSE FRIENDS AND WHAT THEY ARE LIKE AND WHAT THEIR CHARACTER IS. Also, if you get asked POLITELY to experiment, don’t snap, don’t get mad—it is actually a complement that she thinks so highly of you and that she wants to get closer to you. If you aren’t interested, just say POLITELY ‘I don’t swing that way’. And ladies, if you get turned down, don’t mope and DO NOT ask her again. I will admit that I tried gay sex a couple of times when I was a teen in SF and quickly decided after trying with two different guys that it wasn’t my thing. Although I have to admit, gay guys give the BEST blowjobs (said with a smile, and I got lots of laughs).
Now I told mom when asking permission to talk about sex between sisters, I told her that I had an ulterior motive. Here it is : sisters can have sex with other sisters with no judgement and no repercussions. Guess what, I am one of your sisters. (Suddenly straightening of many backs and smiles blossoming on faces. Mom suddenly NOT looking happy.) Now, just like tutoring and movie nights, a few rules.
1st—Nobody HAS to participate. It will be entirely voluntary. Zero people interested is just fine with me—it is your choice, not mine. I am happy keeping any and all of our relationships exactly the way they were before I brought this subject up. I will NOT be asking anyone because I don’t want anybody to think that they have to do anything or feel pressured or guilted into it. YOU have to ask ME. And no teasing anyone who doesn’t wish to participate. Maybe they just aren’t interested, maybe they want to go to their wedding a virgin, maybe they have a boyfriend or prefer girls. Oh, if you have a boyfriend, I won’t play with you. I don’t stab people in the back. Knowledge about whether I am having sex with any of you or NOT having sex with any of you is YOUR decision whether to share or not. I won’t talk about it, so don’t ask. Do not ask me, do not ask any of your sisters. It is THEIR decision to share or not to share. It is the female’s decision. And NO bragging, or you get dumped out of the rotation for an indeterminate amount of time. (I could see out of the corner of my eye that ‘mom’ had relaxed and now had her ‘Mona Lisa’ smile on.) Remember, you are all SISTERS and respect and mutual support are first and foremost. That is why I kicked that motherfucking cocksuckers ass the other day—support for one of my sisters. Oops again, sorry for the swearing.” Mom said “Um, in that particular case I think it is entirely justified and is a very close description. Just try to not make a habit of it.” All the ladies laughed.
2nd—I am not monogamous. At all. Anyone interested will have to share. I have no problem with any of you experimenting with others, but there will be rules. They all boil down to ’no exchange of bodily fluids’. I have surprisingly gotten this far through life without catching any STDs and I don’t want to start now. That means if you decide to have sex with others there will be no French kissing, no blowjobs (without a blowjob condom), no pussy licking (without a dental dam, also called a pussy dam—it is a device that prevents saliva from getting in your pussy and your juices from getting in his mouth. ) Obviously, a condom when having vaginal sex. If you decide to experiment, you will tell the guy about these limitations and get his agreement up front. And let him know that if he breaks any of the rules, you will call the police and have him arrested for rape for not following the rules and not stopping when you yelled STOP and NO. In fact, I will write up a document he must date and sign before sex where he understands that if you ever say STOP or NO at any point, including after coitus begins, that he understands that you will charge him with rape if he doesn’t stop immediately or if he doesn’t follow ALL of the rules. You can tell him you are paranoid about STDs because one of your high school friends caught AIDS from a blowjob. And after the first time, if you like him and what he can do, or you think he is worth training (me with a smile, laughter all around) you tell him that it is HIS responsibility to bring the condoms. No ‘blowjob condoms’ means no blowjobs. No regular, spermicide condoms means no vaginal sex. The first time, bring the condoms that you prefer using and show him the boxes and tell him where you got them so that he knows what to buy and where.
2b- You are ALLOWED to experiment with others, as I said. However, and this is going to make me sound like an egotistical, bragging shit, but I am going to spoil you for other men. I am not kidding, I have been with well over 100 women and probably over 200. So, I will also turn these sessions into tutorials—how to teach your men how to be a better lover without emasculating him. There are several ways to say the same thing. You could say ’that is the worst pussy licking I have ever had. Have you done this before?’ Or you can say ‘My friend Susanne (pick a name of somebody you do NOT know) told me stuff her boyfriend does for her and that she really likes. Can we try them?’ That way he gets better, you have more fun, and he feels proud instead of emasculated. Or ‘I read in Cosmo that guys really like blowjobs. I’ve been practicing on a banana, can I practice on you?’ Believe me, you will get a YES! Tell him he has to wear a condom, or no go. Then ask if he liked it, and then follow up with ‘it seems only fair that if I go down on you, you should go don on me. Oh, don’t worry, I have pussy barriers, you won’t taste a thing.’ Lessons like that. With me, you’ll figure out what you like and what you don’t, and how to train your males how to please you.” (Mom had a very surprised and even satisfied look on her face.)
3- You MUST get a full STD blood panel, including herpes, if you do not already have one that is less than one week old. I will regularly ask for STD tests. I haven’t had sex in months and months, because I have learned that I hate ‘one and done’ sex. I like to get to know the woman first. Well, guess what, I know all of you and I like all of you. I realized that I wanted to give this speech and start ’study sessions’, so last week I went a got a full and complete STD panel done. I will give a photocopy to anyone that wants one.
4- I will not permit jealousy or fighting, especially of the type ‘it was MY turn’. You get dropped out of the rotation immediately and perhaps permanently.
5- We will have to figure out a rotation. I propose that I will hand out to everyone the same size small piece of paper. You will write your name on it as well as either YES or NO, then fold it in 4 and IF YOU WISH drop it in ’the sex box’ on the other side of the couch from ‘the film suggestion’ box. The reason for the YES and NO is so that nobody knows whether you want to have sex or not if you are seen dropping a paper in the box. Complete deniability, no stigma. I will put the names in a binder labeled ’study session rotation’. At some point I will make a chart with the initial rotation. I will be VERY mad if I see anyone snooping through that folder. You are allowed to exchange spots, but NO FIGHTING about it. If that night’s ‘study partner’ needs to bow out, she can swap with someone else. The two of you will exchange pieces of paper that say “I agree to trade my study session of {date} with {person}". Another requirement—you MUST maintain a 3.0 average to remain in the rotation. You get skipped until you bring it up over 3.0 again. (I see another small smile from mom out of the corner my eye). By the way, we will always refer to these as ’study sessions’. The other subjects are all ’tutoring’. Just so that there are no misunderstandings.
I had gone from being ’the great cook’ to ‘the in-house tutor’ to ‘our new sister’ to ‘my friend’ and finally, after saving Mary from getting raped, ’the sorority’s god’. And I did all this without ‘pushing’ anyone one. Well, in the beginning, on the first day, I did push ‘I want him to stay!’, and ‘he sounds like a great cook, we HAVE to keep him’ and pushing to the chapter president ‘Oh man I REALLY want this guy around. What a great influence and role model for the girls’ and to all the girls ‘this guy is interesting, sounds like a great cook, and a nice guy. He’d be great to have around’. But I did all that because I wanted a free place to sleep. Honestly (wink) it had nothing to do with the fact that all my ‘sisters’ were beautiful. Before the interaction at this college and the first day at the sorority, I would push things like ‘you want to fuck this guy’ or ‘you are now his slave and will take it up any hole he wants whenever and wherever he wants’ to girls. It was obviously fun, heady, and made me feel powerful. I could make ANYONE do ANYTHING. It was a surprisingly delightful change to NOT have to ‘push’ for sex—they just wanted to because they LIKED me, they looked up to me.
The sorority president looked at me and said “You never cease to amaze me. You are intelligent, kind, thoughtful, and you help your sisters any way that you can. When this latest subject first came up, believe me, the hairs on my back started bristling. BUT, I have learned over the past few weeks that I should listen to your complete explanation before getting mad. You do know that your sisters have been bragging about you to anybody and everybody. Your notoriety is campus-wide. You literally could have sex with just about any woman on campus. But you save yourself for your sisters for anything and everything. THIS one takes the cake.”
Now, this was a pretty small university, but it still had a lot of sororities, so the ’sister body’ (number of sisters) in each sorority was smaller than in the large universities. And Psi Omega Psi sorority was on the small end, about 25 sisters. The first week, I had 5 ‘volunteers’. The next week I was up to 7. I was rather surprised to notice that 4 of the girls ‘paired up’ between themselves.
I said “OK, ready for tonight’s movie?” Lots of dazed stares and mostly nods. So we watched ‘easy A’. Everybody liked it. One of the sisters even said “I can’t wait to see your next pick”. I said “Have you all decided if you also want Wed movie night?” A chorus of yeses. So, since you have to have all your homework done before we start each movie, and it IS mid-week with classes the next day, maybe we should start at 8:30 or 9 so you have time to finish homework. (Again, I see another small smile from mom). Now, I propose that if the movie is 1hour 30 minutes or less, that we start at 9, so bedtime will be around 10:30PM. But maybe you would like to finish earlier, so we could start at 8:30PM instead so earliest bedtime would be 10PM. If the movie is 1hour 45 minutes, then we start 15 minutes earlier. If the movie is 2 hours or longer, we start 30 minutes earlier. But YOU ALL decide the generic start time you would like for Wed movies and Sat movies. YOU ALL talk about it and let me know.
I have already found a DVD of “The Man Who Knew Too Much” and “The 39 Steps” and “The Lady Vanishes”, some of Hitchcock’s British movies. I couldn’t find many of his earlier British movies. ‘The Lady Vanishes” was his last British movie; he moved to Hollywood and made his first American film, the amazing “Rebecca”. He made a bunch of great movies (I already mentioned ‘Dial M for murder’) and invented cinematic techniques that are still in use today, such as the ‘dolly shot’ (the camera is on rails and is physically moved toward or away from the subject of the shot) and the dolly zoom, which is a dolly shot while also zooming the lens in at the same time. There are some films that I am NOT going to show, such as “Lifeboat” and “Rope”, because I personally don’t think that they are anywhere near his best, and there are so many great Hitchcock films that we have months and months and months of movies to watch even if we only watch half of them.” I said with a smile “You may have guessed that I really like Hitchcock movies”.
After movie night was over I went upstairs and knocked on Amy’s door and “asked “come on out for awhile, I want to talk”. Then I knocked on Sarah’s, Lucy’s and Jenny’s doors and said the same thing. I asked “whose room shall we use to talk?” We went into Lucy’s room, because it was a single. I said: “OK, this is a private and very personal conversation. You don’t have to say anything at all if you don’t want to, got it? (I got somewhat trepidatious nods.) Listen, I told you that I grew up next to SF, and I couldn’t help but notice that you four have paired up into twos. I don’t think that there is anything wrong with it, so relax. My question is, do you think that any of your sisters have figured it out?” They looked at each other and said “Well, SOME have, but maybe not all.” Me: “would you care if everybody knew? It’s OK if you don’t want everybody to know. And it certainly isn’t my place to tell anyone, it is your decision to make whether you wish to tell everyone or not.”
Lucy asked “Why are we talking about this?” Me: “Because I found the best self defense studio in town, but the teacher is biased against men—she’s a bigot. I get the impression that the two owners are gay lovers. I thought that if I invited them over for dinner to get to know everyone, the prices might be more reasonable. And if it turns out that they saw two female couples, completely accepted by their sisters, that also might help with a price reduction. I’m not asking you to make out and French kiss at the dinner table. Just sit close to one another, hold hands every now and then, and maybe a quick peck on the lips a couple of times, when one of you says something funny or endearing. But you can’t spring this on your sisters the night the two come over IF YOU ARE WILLING TO DO IT. You don’t have to, not at all. But if you are willing, you should probably announce your relationships at tomorrow’s dinner and see people’s reaction and let them get used to the idea for a few days. But ONLY IF YOU WANT TO. Normally, being circumspect around the public areas of the house in the beginning would probably be best. Holding hands or sitting close or sitting in each other’s laps is fine I think.
The announcement went well, they received heartfelt congratulations from their sisters, and everything was OK. About four days later Dusty and Bethany came over for dinner with the whole sorority. We pulled out all the stops. An absolutely delicious dinner. But Bethany just couldn’t stop making mean little cracks all dinner long obviously directed at me.
Lucy finally went ballistic. “You don’t know Mr C like WE know our sister! He saved Mary from getting raped the other night. He asked for a house meeting and he gave a LONG speech to the whole house about how there is nothing wrong with being homosexual or bi. He warned us all that outside the house we would have to be careful because there are a lot of bigots in this backwater about sex and sexuality. And apparently not all of them are male (while staring straight at Bethany.) He was very convincing, so we decided to come out to our sisters, and our sisters support us 100%. Because Mr C made it so clear, so obvious, that it was OK. So I don’t want to hear another bad word said about him. If you keep this up, you will be politely asked to leave tonight, never invited back, and we will simply go with the 2nd best self defense studio instead of the best.
Nobody knows him like we do, except maybe Dusty. Dusty, do you meet many men who are as honest, straightforward, helpful and always have your back as Mr C, the guy that you call Cappy?” (Dusty shakes her head ’no’). He LIVES and BREATHES ‘Semper Fidelis’. He got us out of a jam when our cook just up and quit one day, out of the blue. Thank goodness she’s gone by the way, she cooked crap food. He stepped up and offered to cook until we could find a replacement. After he had cooked just TWO meals for us we didn’t WANT a replacement. You ate tonight’s dinner, this isn’t a special dinner, he cooks like this ALL THE TIME, from scratch. He’s been teaching anyone who wants to learn, I emphasize WANTS to learn because nobody has to. I now know how to make Fettuccine, Tagliatelle and Ravioli from scratch, by hand, starting with flour and eggs and using just a rolling pin and a knife. I have stuffed Ravioli with different fillings, such as sautéed mushrooms, or pancetta, or spinach, or kale, roasted and smoked chicken, even shrimp scampi, shrimp fra diavolo, or even just shrimp sautéed in butter and garlic and a little white wine with a nice butter and parmesan sauce over it. I can make a Piccata Sauce or a straight simple Pesto, or a Marinara sauce or a fry diavolo sauce to pour over my pasta. I can make French chicken liver mousse pâté and gratin dauphinois, boeuf bourguignon, ratatouille, cauliflower gratin, tian de légumes, Moules Marinières, Chicken Provençal. I can make gravlax (smoked salmon) and ham as well, from scratch in the fridge. I know how to make crêpes and quiches and tartes à la moutarde avec tomates. In fact I made the one you ate tonight, and my girlfriend made the “mountain salad” with lettuce, real Swiss cheese, fresh walnuts and roasted pancetta with the dijon mustard and champagne vinegar dressing. Sarah made the dessert, a flan, which you haven’t tasted yet.
Bethany dropped another dig at me “Oh, so he teaches you to do girl stuff, like cooking. Does he make you cook barefoot?” This time Mary jumped in, with a dopey smile : “Oh yeah, he only teaches us stuff that only dumb pussies can understand (look of triumph on Bethany’s face, look of shock on her sisters’ faces) Such as when he taught us how to install a new Main Electrical Service Panel, to protect the OLD fuse-type panel that we had, which dated from the 1930s. The power comes to the new breaker panel first, then goes to the old fuse box that is protected with a 40-amp breaker in the new box. Then we (the sisters) properly grounded the house, which had NEVER been done before, by pounding two 8 foot metal rods into the ground, at least 20 feet apart and connecting them to each another with a BIG grounding wire, so that the grounding load would be shared between both. We also crawled under the house to see if ALL of the piping in the house was still metal, which it was, and we also tied the metal piping into the ground circuit. Then, he saw that the wiring in the carriage house -the garage for horses back in the day- was knob-and-tube wiring. I’ve never seen a man’s face drain so white and chalky so quickly before. Since you look confused, I’ll explain that knob-and-tube wiring is basically BARE WIRE wrapped around ceramic knobs to support them. He went straight to the president and said “I wish for an immediate presidential order. The wiring in the carriage house is a fire just waiting to happen. I pray to the president that the carriage house be temporarily electrically condemned, and that I have permission to remove the fuse until we can fix the problem. I am honestly shocked that it hasn’t burnt down yet. We sisters replaced the ire going directly from the NEW main panel, protected by a 50-amp circuit breaker, out to a sub-panel in the carriage house with 6 gauge, 4 wire Romex: positive hot, negative hot, neutral and ground. Then we rewired the entire carriage house inside : installing actual, up-to-code 120V outlet boxes all around the carriage house protected by a 15-amp breaker, a separate circuit for lights and outlet boxes in the ceiling with a a separate breaker, and fianally a 240V 30 amp socket. His comment on that was “you never know what you might need, we might as well do this while we have all the tools out—and who knows, maybe one day a sister will get an electric car.
“ Yeah, he only teaches us stuff that only stupid pussies can understand.
Of course, after that he did quietly mutter that the other largest electrical drain in a household is the kitchen: electric stove, refrigerator, microwave oven, electric oven, toaster, toaster oven, etc. There’s also the electric water heater (if you have one) and air conditioning. So he taught us how to take down the hanging cabinets, how to trace the existing wiring with a metal detector, how to carefully cut a narrow path through the lath and plaster, replace all the 1950s (ungrounded) wiring with modern 3-wire Romex from the new circuit breaker panel for all of the circuits in the kitchen: 120V (grounded, 3-prong) outlet boxes—more than twice as many sockets as we had before. And he had us install GFCI sockets around and under the sink—because those are sockets with individual circuit breakers in them in case there is a short. GFCI in all the bathrooms as well. He showed us (again) how to install a 240V, 30-amp plug behind our current stove (which is gas currently) just in case we might want to go electric in the future. And we installed a new, powerful cooking/stove fan that actually is powerful enough to pull the smoke out of the room. Then he taught us how to carefully cut drywall and how to mud and tape the drywall and ‘leaf it in’ so that it isn’t so obvious that the plaster was cut. Then the proper way to sand the patching. Then he taught us how to paint. It isn’t as easy as you think. I can do edging with a PAINTBRUSH against a joint or baseboard or windowsill that is a different color and not bleed onto the other color. Then we re-hung the upper cabinets, using a bubble level to make sure that the cabinets were straight. Yeah, just stupid pussy stuff. And our next project is probably going to be installing solar panels for the house to lower our electrical bills, and so that when the power goes out during the day, our freezer and fridge will still work and no food will spoil.
And I haven’t even mentioned all the plumbing stuff that he has taught us. If you been willing to listen instead of making snarky comments, you might have learned that we have two ‘brother’ fraternities, and quite a few of the brothers come over to learn about cooking. (With a nasty smile) We force them to cook barefoot, of course.
He’s barely been here a month and he has profoundly changed our lives, because he gives, and gives, and gives, and asks for nothing in return. Well, not exactly true, he did ask to sleep on the living room couch. He has fixed dripping faucets and leaking toilets and fixed door knobs that kept falling off. He is in the middle of installing garden beds for next year’s garden. Anybody who wants to learn about what he is doing can help him or just watch. He has been tutoring anybody who needs help in pretty much any subject, including French, Italian, history, math, economics, electrical engineering, public speaking, etc. He is always there to listen. He doesn’t give his opinion or suggestions unless WE ask him for it. He never tells us what to do. Well, there was ONE time, when he found out that we didn’t have an emergency fund. He was rather vocal about explaining WHY we needed one, and how we could fund it. We now have one. He suggested that it should be invested in the market because there should be an upswing over the next 18-24 months, and it has gone up by a factor of three IN ONE MONTH.
So no more snide, snarky comments about our sister, Mr C. Or you can leave.” Mary’s face was red, her nostrils were flaring, and she was obviously pissed. Bethany turned to complain to the sorority president but before she opened her mouth she noticed that every single sorority sister was glaring at her, INCLUDING the sorority president. Bethany didn’t say another word for the rest of the night, except ‘please’, ‘may I have some …’ and ’thank you’. I walked Dusty and Bethany out to their car, and said “I don’t know if this is going to work out.” Bethany got angry and said “So you would block us because of a few comments?” (Obviously pissed). I said to her: “Do you have a disability that makes it impossible for you to listen and understand the spoken word?” Bethany got even more angry. Me: “OK, I will make it very clear. The house votes on important issues that affect the entire house. This is one such issue. Anonymous ballots. I often abstain. The president normally doesn’t vote either, unless there is a tie to be broken. And I don’t know if you were listening or not, but Lucy said that I don’t often give my opinion unless asked. I never tell them what to do. And in this case, I will tell them that I have no opinion, it is entirely their decision, and that I will be abstaining from the vote, again. But Bethany, you really pissed off every young lady during dinner. EVERY SINGLE ONE. If you want to teach these ladies, you are going to have to figure out a way to apologize to THEM. I, myself, honestly do not care what your opinion of me is. Obviously they DO care when people treat me like a door mat used to wipe the shit off their shoes.
I may be able to delay the vote, say, convince the ladies to visit the practice studio before voting. Watch a class or two being taught. Along with the pretense of seeing the other two studios before deciding. If you want to teach them, YOU really need to figure out a way to make it better. You should know that I have been teaching them how to smell bullshit from a mile away. And remember, you aren’t apologizing to me, or for my sake. As I said, I really don’t care what your opinion of me is. You are apologizing to the young ladies that YOU personally offended. Your call. After you two talk, let me know if you want me to bring my sisters down to visit the studio. Why am I doing this? Because I feel that you are the best studio in town, and that my sisters could learn the most from you. But if they don’t trust you, don’t respect you, or if they resent you, it will be a waste of time and the #2 studio in town would be a better choice. For my SISTERS. Goodnight.”
I went back into the house, and had a bevy of ladies, silent, just staring at me. Me: “I don’t want to talk about it. At all. Except to say one thing that Mary knows, but probably not many others do. Dusty, the NICE and POLITE woman who was here, we served together in Iraq. She saved my life, and the lives of the men in my squads over and over and over, by routinely risking her life to extract us from battle zones in a helicopter. End of discussion. Well, opening a new one. I would like to teach you all what a great massage feels like, how relaxing it can be, and how you can learn to give a great massage. As usual, nobody has to participate who doesn’t want to, you can just watch. However, anybody who wants to participate will be almost completely naked—just panties. We’ll do it here in the living room, using the couch seat cushions because I don’t have a massage table. So, who is in?”
Clothes started flying every which way, and there were soon 7 ladies dressed just in their panties. Not surprisingly, the 7 who had voted themselves into my sex rotation, but nobody knew that except for me. Me: “OK, somebody go get a deck of cards, highest card goes first. I will explain what I am doing and why. After a few minutes, the other 3 pairs will start to copy me and try to do what I was doing. After a few minutes you will exchange places, with the former masseuse getting massaged instead. Alright, it’s off to the races!”
Later that night, as the house was quieting or bed, somebody knocked on my door. (Oh, yeah, about 2 week before, I was assigned one of the empty rooms upstairs.) It was Mary. She asked if she could come in, she wanted to talk. She looked embarrassed. Mary: “I hope that I didn’t over-step or embarrass you tonight with our dinner guests—I think I was a bit, um, forceful in my rebuttals.” (Head hanging low.)
Me: “Not al all, Mary, I actually was rather proud at how much patience you showed after all those derogatory digs that she had been making all night long. (Her head snapped up and she had a small smile on her face.) And you didn’t swear once. You just, clearly and somewhat politely, (and I smiled) and with extreme sarcasm, pointed out what an asshole she was being tonight. (Much bigger grin now.)
Mary: “So do I get a reward for being so patient tonight?” Me: “Well, probably—it would depend on the ask.” Mary: “Well, I really liked the massage from Kate earlier. I don’t want to criticize any of my sisters, but someone who has been doing it for over 20 years is probably better at it … Maybe I could get a massage from you? And maybe it might turn into something other than a massage…” (Hopeful look on her face.) Me: “Have you gotten your blood test results back yet?” (Face falls, with a very quiet “no” from Mary.) Me: “So I guess I’ll just have to be extra careful then. And why don’t we keep the massage really short, and move on the ‘other stuff’ rather quickly” (Her face lights up.) Me, still: “Now, I am going to skip some stuff that I normally do, such as no oral sex, even with protection, because you don’t have your test results. But there’s still fun stuff to be done. (Me, with a smile) After all, I have been doing it for over 20 years. You MUST always have you face very close to a pillow, because you might scream in orgasm and I neither want to keep your sisters from sleeping, nor making them jealous because you were first. OK?”
Not surprisingly, sex then ensued. For hours.
* * *