Actress
OK, let me start by telling you a little about myself. I am 24 years old and just getting to the point where I can see 25 starting to come round the hill at me. I am short, thin and I have been called pretty (but never beautiful). I have jet black waist length hair and green eyes. Oh and I am a librarian.
Now I didn’t choose to be a librarian, it’s just one of those things that I fell into, like a ditch. What I really want to be is an actress. Three nights a week I go to acting class learning make believe. The power to emote all over someone and have an effect on them is what I love about it. Oh, and getting to dress up.
My routine is pretty similar every day: get up, skip breakfast, put my face on, catch the bus to work, skip lunch, go to class or return home and read a book while eating something awfully good for me. I don’t really socialise too much. I guess I fit the description ‘painfully shy’ pretty well and I really do prefer my own company. If ever I get a little lonely I have my cat and my computer which I use for chatting to people I will never meet. I like the fact that I am nameless and faceless, it gives me the chance to be totally honest. It’s good therapy.
The acting was something that I got into to try and bring me out of my shell a little. Once I started I was hooked and if you were analysing me (you’re not are you?) you could say that being someone else allowed me to speak in a slightly louder voice than I usually have. What can I say? I am a puzzle box.
I do go for the occasional audition. It’s never really come to anything tho as people probably think that I would be a little hard to work with. I go in, don’t speak so much, and this is the impression that seems to stick in everyone’s mind much more than my acting ability.
Or maybe I am just a bad actress?
I set of to today’s audition with the usual butterfly’s in my stomach. Walking down the road I had the two halves of my brain fighting as usual.
‘You should stay at home, you know you don’t like meeting people’ left hook
‘You need to get out more, make something of your talent’ right hook
The journey across town went fourteen rounds in my head before the judges decision made me get of the bus and look for the address I had been given.
Now I am the kind of girl that would sooner spend three hours looking for somewhere than ask for directions. Today I was lucky as the bus stop was pretty much outside where I wanted to be. They house was a typical London town house. They are marked out by the fact like they all look like they have been cloned and the fact you need to pretty much win the lottery to own one. I opened the gate and gritted my teeth as a creak went up and down my spine. The pathway to the front door seemed like a million miles as the butterflys took off. Before I had a chance to think I knocked on the door.......
The door was answered pretty much straight away. I risked a quick glance at the man who answered the door. He was very tall (but most people are to me), dark spiky hair, two day stubble, and a lovely smile. I felt myself blush a little as he spoke to me.
‘You must be Suzy’ (my stage name)
‘Yes’ my eyes found their usual way down to the floor again
‘Please come in’
and so I did.
The introduced himself as Nick. He asked me if I would like a drink. I declined as I always do, afraid that I might need to use the conveniences otherwise. He beckoned me into a little room and apologised.
‘I may be about 15 minutes, I am still seeing the last girl’
I told him that was ok, and sat down in the room to wait.
The room was very comfortable. It was a lovely lime green colour and had the look of a room designed for peace. It was fairly minimalistic with nothing but the couch on which I sat and what looked to be a metronome ticking away to itself in the corner.
The metronome was bright silver and every time it moved to the right it reflected the sunlight from the window into my eyes. Far from being unpleasant this felt very soothing and combined with its regular click click it seemed very compelling. After a time I noticed that music was also playing. It was only when I concentrated that I could actually hear it. It was only when I stared at the metronome that I could concentrate. There also seemed to be a voice speaking softly, but as that was quieter than the music I thought that it might be just a figment of my imagination.
Tick tock tick tock
I lost all track of the space around me, but after a while I noticed that the metronome was slowing. Its momentum eaten up by speaking to me so softly. The arc of its swing was less and less. It was synchronised with both my breathing and my heartbeat.
Tick tock
I felt like I was on the deck of a ship. Swaying in time. I was a child on a swing. I was in my mothers arms being gently rocked. I was swimming is the softest warmest place.
Tick
The voice on the soundtrack got louder, louder, louder
‘Suzy, we’re ready for you now’
Nick was a blur in front of me. I was a telescope and someone adjusted me until I came into focus.
I blushed again, found my feet and followed him.
We entered a much larger room. I immediately noticed it was covered in mirrors. Seeing my reflection staring back at me from everywhere was a little disconcerting and made me feel uncomfortable, but I shook it off and decided to get on with it.
Apart from the mirrors the room had a camera on a tripod, a few chairs and another occupant. The other man in the room didn’t speak or introduce himself. He just sat in the corner and looked at me like I was an exhibit in a museum.
‘Would you like me to read?’ I asked
‘Yes go ahead’
I started to read a little. It was the part of Portia from ‘Julius Ceasar’. As usual when I start to read, I completely loose myself in the character. I become that person. I am that person. I try to put that across to whomever is watching and in the course of doing this I kind of phase out. I had not been reading for more than a minute when Nick stopped me.
‘Very good’ he said ‘do you know what you are auditioning for?
I knew why I had come here, but for the moment it slipped my mind. Nick took my silence away from me.
‘We are auditioning for a pornographic movie. Now I am not just talking fuck and suck, I am talking the vilest perversion that you could ever imagine and then some. We cater to a very specific audience’
I felt tears welling up. My head became a thunderstorm. I felt sick. I turned to leave and ran for the door without saying another word. I was in the hall way when I heard
‘COME BACK HERE’
Never, I was not going to associate with people like that. Never ever. How could they do this to me? Was there something about me that marked me out as a victim?
I was back in the mirrored room.
‘From now on you will not speak unless we tell you to, you will do exactly as we say and you will do it well’
‘Now, we better get on with your audition’
The silent man walked over to the camera, removed the lens and turned it on.
‘Strip’ Nick commanded
I was very afraid. I didn’t know what was happening to me. I felt myself start to undress and what’s more I didn’tjust undress casually. It was almost like I was showing myself off to them. Teasing, revealing, teasing some more. Soon I was naked.
‘Not too bad, a few things we can change but you’ll do for now’
Nick pointed to an armchair that the silent man had positioned in front of the camera.
‘SIT’
I moved toward the chair and sat down. I was horrified to find that my legs seemed to have a life of their own. I put one over each arm and then put my hands behind my head. I was completely exposed.
‘It’s time for your screen test Suzy. What you are going to do is you are going to masturbate. You are going to masturbate like your life depended on it. All the time you are doing that you are going to tell us what kind of girl you are and how much you like showing off. We are going to film you doing this and when we tire of you we are going to ask you to write down the names of all your family. When we are through with you for today we are going to make copies of the tape and post them out to everyone that is on your list. We are going to do this because we want to and it amuses us’
My mind reeled in horror as what he had just said sunk in. I had never felt lower in my life. I felt my hands come alive and move to my centre. I bit my lip as I touched myself and the first tingle hit me. I was hating this so much and I was so scared, but my body was responding.
‘I am a whore’
I used two fingers of my left hand to open myself up.
‘I am a cunt’
I put my middle finger inside my vagina.
‘I am a cock sucking slut’
I rubbed my clitoris frantically with my right middle finger. My body was bucking like I were horse riding.
‘I am a bitch’
I felt the sweat start to cover my body, feeling the tingle as if evaporated in the cool air. My nipples were itching and all I could imagine was that there was someone sucking on them. I felt my climax building and then the dams burst as it flooded thru me my whole body clenching and unclenching.
‘I hope you enjoyed that Suzy’ whispered Nick into my ear ‘that is the last orgasm you will ever have’
I whimpered.
‘You will fake many, many more over the term of our relationship, but you will never ever feel that kind of pleasure again. Now please just sit there for a while. We need to decide how much you are worth to us.’
And sit there I did. My arms went behind my back again and I lowered my head, trembling. My legs stayed awkwardly over the arms of the chair. As much as I did lower my head, the fact that the room was basically a huge kaleidoscope made it impossible for me not to see myself. Everywhere I looked the same image looked back. Who was that? It couldn’t be me. I lifted my head slightly: I was slanted and enchanted by myself. I could not turn my head away, drowning in what I had become.
Suzyaftersuzyaftersuzyaftersuzyaftersuzyaftersuzyaftersuzyaftersuzyaftersuzyaftersuzy........
After a conversation in which the silent man seemed only to speak in gestures Nick approached me.
‘You will follow me. You will raise your hands above your head and you will keep them there’
My body, the engine, complied.
I was led into another room. This one had all black walls and they seemed to take the light like they wanted to eat it. In the centre of the room was a stand like device with a triangular piece of wood at its centre; the point of the triangle facing upwards. I was commanded to straddle the triangular piece of wood and to my horror the silent man lifted it until I had to stand on tip toes to avoid the harsh wood splitting my sex.
The silent man knelt at my feet and attached straps to my ankles. These straps were connected to the bottom of the frame and they appeared to be weighted because my legs felt leaden. I was in turmoil, I was unable to move and my whole weight (and then some) was being supported by my calf muscles. Already they were aching, but I knew that I had to stay on tip toe or my weight would be shifted to another more sensitive part of my body.
The silent man and Nick left the room. My body strained in the total darkness as I felt a cloak of doom envelop me. All my muscles were pulling against each other. I tried to scream but was unable to emit even a squeak.
Make it stop, please make it stop. Make it stop, please make it stop.makeitstoppleasemakeitstopmakeit..
It was then that the lights started.
The lights pulsed on and off at random intervals. There seemed to be a thousand stars exploding in my eyes. They were so very bright I have no frame to compare them to. A few seconds later a horrible wailing started. It was the cry of those who wished to be dead. Unearthly cries. Horrible, horrible noises. Make them stop. Make them stop. The only time the pain in my head abated was when I realised my body was in agony. See saw, see saw . Mind or body. Body and mind. Make it stop. Please. Anything to make it stop.
Tick tock
I must have blacked out, for when I awoke I was curled in a ball naked and rocking gently back and forth. The room was totally dark. Then I realised I simply has my eyes shut. Slowly I opened them. Two men shared the room with me.
‘Dress !!!’ one of them commanded
My eye’s travelled to a wardrobe. Inside the wardrobe seemed to be every type of clothing under the sun. Long flowing dresses, smart office suits, jeans, jumpers, millions of bra’s and panties. My hands seemed to find what they wanted without my help.
‘Lift your head’
Mirror everywhere (remembering). Reflected back at me was a sexy young lady in knee boots with a 6′ heel, black hot pants that seemed so tight as to be transparent and a T-shirt that was designed for a child to wear with the words ‘slut’ written across it in black marker. Was that me?
‘Walk’ said the man
I felt my body begin to move. It was as if my feet were glues to an invisible tightrope as I started to walk in an awkward fashion, one foot directly in front of the other. This soon became second nature once I had learned to swing my hips from side to side.
The men started to talk to each other. The words floated over my head, but I caught a glimpse of them in passing.
‘It works!! Now we just need to recruit some others and we can go into production’
They turned to face me.
‘I want to tell you about your latest roll.....Your latest roll is to do whatever you are told whenever you are told it. You will make films until our audience are tired of seeing your ugly face. You will be sold to the first person that requests you when this happens. You will stay here and we will feed you enough to keep you healthy. While we are recruiting you will look after us in whatever way we desire. When you are not needed you will be kept in a little cage.’
‘I want you to know all these things because when I count to three you will remember what you were, you will remember all the happy times of your life and know that they will never happen again. You will remember that your family love you and you will long for the mundane comforts of your past life. You will know all these things yet be powerless to do anything about it. Why?...........
.................................... Because you are an actress’
‘Do you understand?’
I felt my head nod without my approval.
‘1........’
‘2.......’
‘3......’
My head exploded and started re-invent itself.