THE FUNNIEST JOKE IN THE WORLD – BIMBO VERSION
“Hello ‘Mind Control Helpline’.” said the chirpy female voice on the end of the line.
“Umm, hi.” said Carl, “I think I need a bit of assistance.”
“I See, and what seems to be the problem sir?”
“Well this morning I went to this old flea market and there was an oil lamp for sale. It didn’t look anything special but for some reason I felt compelled to buy it. I don’t know if it was the pattern or the colour, I mean I do have a thing for neo-gothic, well I don’t really, actually I am not even sure if there is such a thing as neo-gothic but the fact remains this lamp just looked so… like it was willing me to, well you know…”
“You are rambling sir,” said the chirpy voice. “You are aware that this is the Mind Control Helpline aren’t you sir?
“Yes, yes I am. I’m not calling to complain about a lamp, well I am calling to complain about a lamp but not because it was faulty or anything. Although thinking about it…”
“Rambling sir,” repeated the woman.
“Oh yes, sorry again.” Replied Carl, “Well the thing is… I think I may have… well you see… umm the thing is… I was on the way home and stopped off at a bar to use the gents. Now normally I would use the urinal, but well, because I had a bag full of stuff from the flea market and I didn’t want anybody to try and steal my nice new… umm nice old lamp. So I had to use a cubicle instead and this meant that I had to hang my bag up on one of those little hooks that they have on the door …”
“Still rambling sir.” said the woman, her voice straining to remain on the correct side of the cheerful/irritable divide.
“Oh yes, sorry I tend to waffle on when I am panicking. But anyway, the lamp fell out of the bag onto the floor – you can see why I use the cubicle now can’t you. – Anyhow, so I picked it up and gave it a quick wipe with some toilet paper and then poof! A genie appeared out of nowhere.”
“A genie sir?”
“Yes a genie.”
“Genies are not necessarily a case of mind control. Would you like me to transfer you to the Wish Addiction Helpline?”
“No, this is definitely a mind control issue I have.” Stated Carl, “But I will keep them in mind for future reference.”
“I am glad sir,” said the woman hoping that her voice had managed to hide the disappointment at failing bump Carl over to another department. “So please tell me about this genie.”
“She didn’t look like your average genie. No blue skin, big moustache, turban nothing. Well actually I am not sure what the average genie looks like and I know it’s wrong to stereotype. Can a person be racist against genies? Is Genie a race?
“We’re back to rambling again now aren’t we sir.”
“Sorry, sorry.” Stuttered Carl, “So my genie, well she was… how’s best to describe it… I mean her… I mean it…”
“Sir!”
“Yes, right. Well she was really really hot. Well she still is really hot; she’s still in my living room after all. Basically just think a mix between Princess Jasmine and Lara Croft. There was I squashed up in a toilet cubicle with this amazingly hot genie (who was corporeal if that matters so I could feel that her skin felt the same as a normal person’s and I suppose that meant she could feel certain parts of me also…”
“Too much detail thank you sir.”
“Oh yes, sorry. Where was I?”
“Still at the beginning of the story sir”
“Ah yes. Well she offered me three wishes, told me I could have anything I wanted for freeing her. Of course I didn’t believe her, well you wouldn’t would you? Anyone with tit’s that big was bound to have an ulterior motive, but just in case it was real I decided to test her out and so wished that I was a multi-billionaire and super powerful and famous.”
“A wise if uninspired choice sir”
“Well, She clicked her fingers and suddenly my t-shirt and jeans had turned into an Armani suit and when I went outside my Volvo Estate had become a Bugatti Veyron. It was amazing. I drove home according to my Sat-Nav and found my wife waiting for me in the most amazing mansion I have ever seen.”
“Well that doesn’t seem to be a problem, if you ask me sir. Congratulations. You won at life.”
“No no no… that wasn’t the problem. The problem was with my second wish.”
“Which was…”
“I kind of wished that my wife could be a bit more like the women of my fantasies.”
“I think I can see where this is going sir,”
“I didn’t mean it to happen like this honest. I just thought she would become a bit sexier and you know, a little more adventurous in the bedroom. That was all I wanted.
“But as soon as I made the wish, the genie clicked her fingers and it was done.”
“What was done?”
“I went into the bedroom to find her on the bed, fucking herself with the biggest vibrator I’d ever seen. At first I was turned on, her breasts were even bigger than the genie’s and when she saw me, she begged me to fuck her and it was the best sex I think anyone has ever had. She had this technique with her tongue where she…”
“Too many details again! Thank you very much sir!”
She begged me to use every hole over and over again and begged me to fuck her all day long.”
“But isn’t that what you wanted sir?”
“Not to this extent it wasn’t. All she cares about is sex and makeup. She dresses round the house in the sluttiest outfits I have ever seen and when I couldn’t keep up with her anymore in the bedroom, she tried to start calling up her friends to come round and fuck her while I got my strength back. I managed to stop her but then she turned her attention to the genie and…”
“And what sir?”
“Well I figured it was best that she cheated on me with a genie as opposed to my friends so I have decided to let it go. They’re still at it now, I imagine all that time cooped up in a lamp means she has a lot of sexual energy pent up and ready to unload on my wife.”
“That does all seem quite extreme sir.” Said the woman on the line, “And where is your wife now?”
“She’s currently tied to the bed with the genie teasing her with all sorts of gadgets and toys. I won’t lie, it is far from uneasy on the eye to watch, right now they are playing with some sort of magical snake charmer’s rope… oh wait that’s not a rope, it’s a giant floating…”
“Details sir!!! Too many details! If you could just stick to the essential information please.” said the woman making a mental note to cancel her reservation at Han’s house of Wurst that she had been planning to try out tonight.
“Again, sorry. “ replied Carl, “this is all just a bit much for me, I get confused on what to say and what not to. The simple fact of the matter is that I just kind of want my wife back. I don’t like the idea of her being an airheaded bimbo slut for eternity. It was nice for an afternoon, maybe even for a weekend. But I do feel that there is more to a perfect wife than tits, giggles and blowjobs.”
“Okay sir, I understand the problem.” Said the woman, cutting in just in case Carl got side-tracked into saying anything that could jeopardise her backup reservation at Oyster Nirvana,
“However,” she continued, “in order to help I do need a little bit more information. Genie wishes can be a very tricky business indeed especially if she is still hanging around your home and sleeping with your wife.”
“I understand, so what do you need me to do?”
“Well first, we need to make sure she really has been permanently turned into an airheaded bimbo slut and that it isn’t all just smoke and mirrors to achieve some other unknown goal.”
“Gotcha understood, just give me a second…”
The woman heard a clunk of phone receiver connecting with table as Carl wandered away from the phone. She waited patiently on the line for five minutes or so until she heard Carl returning. He picked up the phone and spoke to her:
“Okay, I have used my third wish to make sure that she has been permanently turned into an airheaded bimbo slut forever. What next?”
All Carl heard next was a loud sigh and the sound of palm connecting with face.