Pro Tips
“Whatcha playin’?” I jumped, startled a bit. I had become so immersed in my video game that I hadn’t heard Colton walk into the room.
“Gah, don’t do that! At least wait until I finish the level so you don’t kill me!”
“Woah, okay, relax,” he said, dropping the fake kid voice and putting his hands up innocently. “Sorry. Just curious.”
I sighed. “No, I’m sorry. You startled me, that’s all. Anyway, it’s called Pirate’s Outlook 2. It’s an exploration puzzle platformer.”
“Wait, they still make platformers? I thought those died out when FPS’s got popular. Yep, you’re a real gamer, Trace.“
I narrowed my eyes at him. What an asshole, insulting my hobbies. “I don’t need to shoot people in the head or blow up body parts to enjoy myself. In fact, I prefer games that make me think—you know, use my brain, the thing you don’t have?” He scowled and flipped me off. I remember the days where his worst insult was calling me “Terrible Tracy”; then he grew up, and now his go-to mockery is uninspired vulgarity.
“Whatever. To be honest, the game doesn’t look that bad, but you’re not doing too well at it, are you?”
“I’m doing just fine,” I lied, to shut him up. It didn’t work.
“Really? How many times have you died on just this level?”
“Mrmmrh,” I muttered exaggeratedly.
“What was that?”
“Twenty-five, okay? Twenty-six with that last one that, may I remind you, you caused.“
“You may and you have. Still, twenty-five that weren’t my fault? You kind of suck, sis.”
“I do not! I’m just not familiar with this game yet, that’s all.” At least, that’s what I kept telling myself so I’d feel better about losing so much.
“Sure. Are you positive you don’t want any pro gamer tips? I’ve got a ton.” For a second, I thought I saw a sparkle in his eye, but it was gone the next second, so I assumed I’d imagined it.
“I don’t need any of your tips, Colt,” I lied. “But... since you seem like you really want to share... be my guest.” I wouldn’t call myself a “gamer”, but I do like certain games, and in the past I’ve even become a little obsessed with some. But Colton? That kid is glued to a screen nearly twelve hours a day. No matter how obnoxious he could be, I was sure that he would actually know a thing or two about game design by now, and maybe he could help me progress without another twenty-five deaths.
“Don’t mind if I do. This level you’re on, I was watching you play it when I came in the room. You keep dying up at the top of the cave; I think you need to go down instead.”
“Down?”
“Yes. Go down. Always go down; it’s level design 101. Bonus at the top, end goal at the bottom.”
“Go... down,” I repeated, processing it and committing it to memory. “Top is bonus, bottom is the goal...” The more I thought about it, the more it made sense. Most people would just keep walking and take the bottom path; only I would be suspicious enough to take the top path every attempt. I turned back to the screen, restarted the level, and tried to follow my brother’s advice. I got to the part I’d kept dying on, took the bottom path this time... and found my way right to the treasure chest at the end! “What do you know, Colt? You were actually right about something for once in your life.”
“If you’re going to insult me, then I’ll just keep the rest of my tips to myself.”
He turned to leave the room, but I stopped him. “No, no! Look, I’m sorry, I appreciate the help. Thank you. Sit down with me and take a look at the next level; maybe you can help me keep going?”
He sighed, clearly not wanting to waste his time with me. “Alright, fine. I will contribute my expertise.” He bowed and tipped an imaginary hat, then sat on the couch next to me. I grinned and started the next level, and after playing it a few times (and dying every time), Colton finally chipped in. “Wow, you’re really not a gamer, are you, Trace? Your hand movement is all wrong.”
“My hand movement?”
“Yeah. You keep falling off that cliff because you don’t have enough control over the, well, controller. You need to always grip it tight, but not too tight. Grip it firmly. Keep control, and be delicate with your fingers.”
“Grip firmly... not too tight... delicate fingers...” I repeated. I tightened my grip (but not too much) and restarted the level. I was very deliberate with every button press, and before long, I had gotten past the cliff that had killed me the first few plays. “Yes! Thank you!”
“No problem. Here’s another tip: see that hole in the side of the cave?” I looked at the screen, and indeed, I noticed a hole shrouded in shadow to my character’s left. “Whenever you see a hole, there should always be something inside it. It’s where level designers hide Easter eggs—you know, bonus stuff.”
“I know what an Easter egg is, thanks,” I replied with a scoff. Just because I wasn’t as addicted to video games as he was, he thought I was an idiot.
“Yeah, well, like I said: if there’s a hole, there should always be something inside it.”
“There should always be something inside a hole,” I repeated. I guided my pirate into the hole, but found nothing. “Did I do it wrong?” I asked.
“No, I don’t think so. Don’t give up; sometimes you just have to look at it from a different angle. So always try taking the thing out of the hole, then back in, then out, then in. Eventually you’ll get the right angle and find the bonus.”
“Out of the hole, then in... then out, then in...” I moved the character on screen out of the hole in the cave, then in, then out, then in... and sure enough, after the fourth time, a bonus chest appeared and gave me three extra lives. “Wow, I would have never thought to try that! Thanks, Colt, looks like you’re good for something!” He gave me a stern look. “Sorry, sorry, habit. But really, thanks. But that’s just the bonus; how do I actually beat this level?”
“You said it’s a puzzle game, right?”
“Yes?”
“Well, sometimes, puzzles in games are purposely designed to look much harder than they are. Developers add tons of extra pieces, moving parts, distractions to throw you off. So if you want to make it easier on yourself, you need to strip it all down to its bare essentials. The core bits of the puzzle. Just strip it bare. Completely bare.”
“Strip down... strip bare...”
“No extra bits covering everything. Just the naked reality.”
“No covering... just naked...” I shook my head. What he was saying made sense, but for some reason the way he worded it felt a little odd. Then again, I’m not as much of a gamer as he is, so I probably just wasn’t used to the lingo. I turned back to the screen. “So those vines? And that gear?”
“Probably not necessary. Strip ’em!”
“Hm. I think I need that box to get across the ravine... but what about the lever on the wall?”
“I don’t think so. Strip!”
“Okay... so if I just do this...” And two minutes later, I was at the treasure chest again! “Colton, I’m sorry I ever doubted you. Your advice achieves wonders!”
“You have no idea, sis,” he responded, though it was hard to hear as he’d mumbled it a bit. “How about I help you with just one more level, then we’ll call it a night?”
“Yeah, sure; I can pick it up in the morning.” I started the next level, and after only a minute, I was already stuck, with no idea what to do. “How do I even get anywhere in this level?” I asked both myself and my brother.
“That’s a good question. Always question your assumptions. Like, you might assume that lava is bad, but sometimes a patch of lava hides bonuses. Or you might assume that certain people shouldn’t sleep together, but sometimes they should. Or you might assume the cave entrance is the front—”
“Wait, what?” I must have misheard him.
“I said sometimes a patch of lava hides bonuses. Like, you go in it but it doesn’t hurt you?”
“Oh... yeah, okay, I thought you said something else. Continue.”
“What I was saying was you went in through the front, but sometimes it’s better to go around the back.”
“The back?”
“Yeah. See, there’s probably a hole in the back of the cave. And sometimes, it’s best to go in the back hole. The back hole is more fun sometimes. Less frustrating, you know?”
“Sometimes it’s more fun to go in the back hole...” I walked my character around the cave and, sure enough, there was a back entrance! Weirdly, there didn’t seem to be much more to this level; the treasure was just inside the cave. I guess the entire gimmick was figuring out that the back hole was more fun, you know?
“Anyway, I’m exhausted,” Colton yawned. “Let’s call it a night and close the game.” I got up to put the controller away and close the system; when I turned back around, I froze as I saw my brother sitting on the couch, totally naked.
“What the fuck?!” I shouted.
“Calm down, Trace. What did you just learn fifteen minutes ago?”
“What? What did I... learn? That... that we should strip down bare? No covering, just naked?”
He grinned, and I could swear he started getting hard; something I would never have noticed if he weren’t completely nude. “That’s right, and you know my advice helps. It works. It’s good advice.”
“Yeah, I mean... I did win... You’re right, I’m being ridiculous; I guess I’m just tired from all the games.” I smiled back at him as I unbuttoned my jeans and bent down to remove them. He stared at me as I pulled my top over my head, then unhooked my bra. I couldn’t blame him for staring; I had just freaked out on him for no reason. I’m sure he was concerned. I pulled my black, lacy thong down and kicked it aside. Now that I was standing in front of him, stripped down bare, no covering, just naked, I hoped that would reassure him that I wasn’t mad or crazy. When you strip down bare, it just makes things easier.
“Look at that,” he said, pointing between my legs. I looked down, confused; I didn’t see anything. “What?” I asked. “A hole. Your hole. It’s empty.”
It took me a second to understand what he was saying. “Oh, right... There should always be something inside a hole...” I looked around for something to fill it with, but saw nothing, so I just decided my fingers would do, and stuck them in. To be honest, it felt good, which of course it would, since Colton’s advice is always good.
But I must have done something wrong, because he frowned. “Well, no...” he said.
“What now?” I asked.
“Don’t get me wrong, that’s great, but you can’t really get a grip if your fingers are in there.”
I mirrored his frown: he was right. “Oh, yeah... I need to... grip firmly. And be delicate with my fingers. But there’s nothing to grip... want to pass me the pillow?”
“Nah, I’m leaning on it now. Here, just grip this,” he said, pointing between his own legs this time. I walked over to him, got on my knees so I could reach better, and gripped his dick. Gripped it firmly, but not too firmly. I was delicate.
I smiled up at him from the floor. “There; is that the right pressure? Do I have control?”
“It’s definitely the right pressure,” he said, nearly whispering; he must have been as tired as I was. “I think I have control, but sure, you can, too.” I furrowed my brow, unsure of what he meant by that. “But look, now your hole is empty again.”
“Oh, no,” I said. “Too many tips to keep track of!”
“Don’t worry. Here, how about you grip these instead,” he said, and he moved my hand to my tits. “Then you’ll know when you’re using the right pressure. And then we can fill your hole with this,” he added, thrusting his hip up.
“Oh!” I said, squeezing my breasts tight, but not too tight. “You really are a pro; look at you being smart!” As I continued adjusting the pressure on my tits, I stood up and positioned his dick right up to my hole, then sat down. It felt wonderful! I closed my eyes and focused on the feeling, just trying to rest a bit; I could tell Colton was staring at me. I guess he didn’t think I would be able to take his advice to heart and learn how to be a gamer after all; I proved him wrong!
But my relaxation was interrupted a minute later, when Colton chimed in, “Wait! How do you know that hole is filled in the best way?”
“What?” I asked.
“I mean, don’t you need to check it? Make sure you get—”
“The right angle! Right. To be sure I’ve got it right, I need to take it out of the hole, then in... out, then in... out... then... in...” Every time I said “out”, I lifted myself up so that my hole was nearly empty again. Then, when “in” escaped my lips, I’d lower myself and try putting it in the hole at a different angle. “Out, then... in... then out... then... then...” I was getting so excited, so happy that I was making progress. It felt so good. I just didn’t know when to stop... “Out... in... out in out in out in...” I tightened my grip with every thrust, to be sure I had control, and I could feel the excitement make its way through my chest. After several minutes, I gave up, disappointed. “Colton... I...” I tried to catch my breath. “I don’t think there’s anything else in my hole...”
“Fuck...” he exclaimed, obviously as frustrated as I was that my progress had halted. “But that’s... that’s just the front hole...”
“Right!” I said, cheered up by the prospect of success. “Sometimes, the back hole is more fun. Sometimes, the back hole is better.” I lifted myself up so my front hole was empty, then turned to face away from Colton. I gripped his dick firmly, but not too firmly, and guided it to my back hole. With both my holes empty, I felt like I was doing something wrong, so I quickly sat down and filled my back hole as much as I could. “OW!”
“You okay, Trace?” Colton asked, worried.
“I don’t get it... I thought the back hole was more fun... but it hurts...”
“It’s fine, sis. Just fill it slower. In and out, slowly, remember?”
“Slow... out... then in...” I winced whenever I filled my hole, but over time, I got used to it. It wasn’t as painful as it had been, and besides, sometimes the back hole is better, right? Sometimes, the back hole is more fun. I once again tightened my grip on my tits, and just as I was about to give up again, I found it—or rather, I felt it. The hole was filled with a bonus, a warm, wonderful bonus. Colton gasped; I think he was surprised that I actually managed to find it, even with his help. I could feel my excitement at my own success build, until I couldn’t contain it anymore and I burst out screaming. Not a frightened scream, nor a pained one, but a scream of pure pleasure and joy.
I had done it; I’d made progress. I was a gamer, no matter what my brother said. But he was right about something else: the top was just a bonus. The bottom was the real goal, and that’s why—oh, no! I had forgotten the first pro tip he’d given me. “Colton, I’m so sorry! I forgot: always go down. I didn’t go down!”
He pet my hair reassuringly. “Don’t worry, Trace. You’ll have plenty of time to go down in the morning.” Yes, I thought. I guess we could play again in the morning.