THE MULE
Chapter 29
Everything was fine as I floated free and peaceful. Occasionally I saw moving lights that raced past above me like bright round moons streaking closely above a rapidly-spinning earth and world, above a world where lives could be lived, yet not remembered; where people could be loved, yet not recalled, and then loved again… and then reminded and not believed.
Cold. It was cold. I felt cold. I felt frozen. And then I didn’t. Warm colourful images of Tina flashed into my floating awareness and then out again, just as quickly as they’d arrived. I noticed them and let them go, not caring. The world moved beneath me, sometimes noisily, sometimes quietly, and sometimes it just felt as if I was floating on a cushion of air. Sometimes I felt as if I was being held or touched, while at other times I felt nothing, but free-no pain, no inner dialogue, no Tina and no life, before, then, or now. I was simply free to float and to experience that freedom in whatever way it came to me. And whatever way it did come to me that was okay.
Uncaring. I just allowed them to come and go as they pleased. It was easy. I just allowed them all to happen as they pleased, just like hypnosis… as it pleased.
Images of Tina. Pictures of Tina. Cold. I was cold. Images of Tina. Pictures of Tina. Pictures. Paintings. Images. Pictures. I wanted to talk to her, but I couldn’t. Why? She was right there. Everywhere. I wanted to tell her about the real me. The person I knew I really was now. The person I’d only just found. Cold. So cold. I wanted to tell her. I wanted to show her… me. Why? Why couldn’t I show her? Cold. So… bloody… cold. If only. If only. If…
If a picture paints a thousand words… to her, why Can’t I paint me. Now she, would never know… the me, I’d come to know. The world has stopped revolving… spinning slowly down to die… Now I, will never show… the me, she’d never know… Now one… by one… the stars have all gone out. Now she… and I… will say… good bye….To her, who I loved truly… and the life, we’ll never share… And me… myself… and who… I was… could slow…ly… fly…… a-way.