THE MULE
Chapter 31
I knew where I was and what I could see, but I just couldn’t believe it. My focus was now. My attention was now. My senses were now. And my here was now. I could see what I could see and I knew what it was that I could see, but I just couldn’t believe it.
‘Peter! What can you see? Tell me! What can you see?’
‘I think it’s… I think it’s… me.’
‘But what can you see? What can you see?’
Jesus! It couldn’t be! Could it?
‘It looks like… like… Jesus! It looks like… the inside… of me? Of my body? I can feel me… there! It’s me!’
‘Oh, Peter! Yes! Yes! Yes!’
I wondered only for a fraction of a second why Tina sounded so pleased. Then I lost the thought to the amazing sight before my eyes, or before my total awareness, rather. I was everywhere at once. I was aware of everything, everywhere inside my body. Wherever I wanted to look, or whatever I wanted to look at, I was there, and there it was, in all it’s living colour and working glory. All parts working, I thought. All parts working. I could see my heart, my lungs, my kidneys, and my liver-everything! I could see everything! I was aware of everything! I was aware of me! And the more I looked, the more I felt that all parts were working… perfectly!
‘It’s me! It’s really me!’
‘Yes! Oh, yes, Peter! It is! It is! It’s really you!’
I watched my blood gushing or pumping through my veins as it left my heart. Back and forth, back and forth-two steps forward, then one step back, but always going forward. I watched the little sacs in my lungs process the incoming air and extract the oxygen and other gases. I watched them tense and I watched them relax. It was amazing. Amazing!
‘Peter! Look at your bones! In between! All around! Everywhere! What do you see?’
My bones came into my awareness without me even trying to see them.
‘Peter! What can you see?’
They were white, streamed with red healthy tissue and striated muscle strips. I looked at my feet, my toes and ankles, then my knees. I looked in between the joints and all around them everywhere.
‘Peter! Peter! What can you see? Tell me!’
Then I looked at my hips and pelvis, inside and out, like going through a maze of bone and muscle and rich red healthy blood and life. I looked at my ribs and counted them, one by one. Then my chest-plate and collar bones and out to each shoulder. I just looked and I was there-right there, around them, inside of them, over them. I looked at my neck and all the little discs held in place with their muscular tension.
‘Peter! Please! Talk to me! What can you see?’
Then suddenly my awareness raced, and it raced straight down my backbone, straight down my spine to my tailbone and back up again. Slowly I became aware of each and every disc in my spine. I felt the electricity, the life force of my nervous system running up and down my spine like an electric current, a strong electric current. I felt the health and well being. I felt healthy. I felt healthy! Then I wondered why that seemed so important.
‘Peter!’
My awareness reached the top of my neck, just before the base of my skull, where the electricity seemed to disappear on further upwards. I looked at my skull. It was strong bone-clean and healthy-living bone. Then I wondered something strange. I couldn’t see where the electric current from my spine went to after it entered the base of my skull from my spine. I couldn’t see inside my skull, but I could see my brain-my living brain! How could that be? I puzzled.
‘Peter! Please tell me! Peter!’
Like a maze of tubing that never seemed to end. I followed it with my awareness and just kept on going around and up and down and over and back again and round and over and down and up and it just never seemed to end. And then it did, only I moved to the other hemisphere. Then I began to follow it all over again. But I was puzzling. I couldn’t see inside my skull, but I could see my brain. How could I do that? If I could see one then I should see the other?
‘Peter! Please, baby! Tell me! Please!’
‘I can’t see inside my skull! I can see my brain, both sides, but I can’t see inside my skull! How can that be? How can that be?’
‘Oh, Peter! Baby! I love you so much! So much!’
‘But why can I see my brain inside my skull, but I can’t see inside my skull? I don’t understand.’
‘It’s okay! It’s okay! You can see inside your skull, Peter! You can! You can see your brain, but inside your skull is where you must believe your mind is. You can’t see inside your skull because you’re looking with the wrong awareness. Look at your mind! Look at your mind!’
My mind? Look at my mind? How could I see my skull and my brain and not see my mind? Where was my mind then? Where?
‘AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!’
‘Peter! Peter! What’s wrong? What’s wrong? Oh, Peter! Talk to me! Talk to me! Please, baby! Talk to me!’
It was gone. The pain was gone. White hot pain such as I’d never known, but it was gone, and I knew why. Now that it was gone I knew why.
‘PETER!’
It had been the pain of awareness-the dawning of awareness-of my awareness… of me- of my living mind. Now I could see my mind. I could. I really could! My mind! Jesus! My bloody mind!
‘It’s okay, Tina. It’s okay. I can see my mind! Can you believe that? I can see my own bloody mind! It’s everywhere! I’m everywhere! Jesus, bloody, Christ!’
‘PETER! You did it! You did it! Oh, baby! Oh, Peter! You did it! You did it!’
I was looking up at it. I was looking through it. I was looking inside it. And I was looking from the inside out and the outside in at everything at once. And I was in awe-complete unmitigated awe.
‘Peter! What can you see? What can you see?’
‘Wait. Just wait.’
‘Oh, Peter!’
The fourth of July had nothing on my mind. All the fourth of Julys’ had nothing on my mind. I felt like a kid in a lolly shop and even that paled into insignificance compared to the feeling that absolutely consumed my total awareness at that moment. I felt as if I was standing on the pitcher’s mound at the final World Series playoffs, with the entire stadium packed to capacity and all taking flash photographs one after the other. It was a kaleidoscope of brilliance, of flashes and of colour, the likes of which I could never have imagined in all my life. It was beautiful! My mind was beautiful! I began to feel a spinning sensation, slowly at first, then gathering momentum, as if I was still on the pitcher’s mound, but turning around and around and around and around in awe and amazement and sheer joy of the sight of my own living mind before me.
‘Oooohhhh!’
‘PETER! What’s wrong? What’s wrong?’
‘Spinning! Everything’s… spinning!’
‘STOP! STOP! STOP!’
And I did. Instantly, and just continued to stand there in utter amazement and sheer disbelief!
‘PETER!’
‘Okay. It’s okay.’
‘Oh, Peter! OH, baby! You’ve done it! You’ve done it!’
Done what? I wondered, as I gazed in awe up into the grandstands of my own living flashing colourful mind. Then strangely, the feeling of utter awe and disbelief left me. It was just gone-vanished. As if it had never been, but I was aware that it had been. It was my mind. I knew that surely. It was my own mind. My own mind. Inside my body. I was inside my own body looking at my own mind.
‘Peter. What can you see? Tell me! What?’
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‘Peter? Tell me what you see?’
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‘Peter? Peter!’
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What was I doing inside my own body?
‘Peter!’
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What was I doing looking at my own mind?
‘PETER!’
I was inside my own living, breathing perfect body, and looking at the sheer beautiful brilliance of my own living mind. Why? Why?
‘PETER! TALK to me! TALK to me!’ PLEASE!’
‘Tina?’
‘Oh, baby! Please! Talk to me! Please?’
‘Tina? What’s going on? What’s going on? Why am I inside my own body looking at my own mind?’
‘Oh, Peter! I love you so much! So much, baby!’
‘I don’t understand. Why am I here? What’s going on?’
‘Peter! Listen to me! Everything’s fine! Everything’s fine!’
‘But I don’t understand. I can hear you, so I can’t be dead. I don’t understand?’
‘Peter! Listen to me! Accept that everything’s okay! All right? Everything’s fine! You have to accept that!’
‘Okay. But why am I here? I don’t understand. If everything’s okay, why am I here? What’s going on, Tine.’
‘Oh, Peter! I love you so much! Oh, baby! Listen please! Just listen! Okay?’
‘Okay. But what’s going on. What’s wrong with me?’
‘Oh, baby! Nothing’s wrong with you! Nothing is! You’re fine! Listen to me! Just listen!’
‘Okay. I’m listening.’ I felt as if I were floating upwards, up towards my mind, towards the flashes, towards the life in me, towards the life of me.
‘Peter! You were sick. You were very sick. A long time ago you were very sick. You were dying. You had cancer-bone cancer, that had spread to your lymph nodes and then throughout your body and your brain.’
I panicked. Fear! I felt fear! I was afraid! I wanted to cry.
‘NNNNNNNOOOOOOOO!’
‘PETER! PETER! It’s okay! You’re fine now! You’re not dying now! It’s gone. The cancers are gone! All of them are gone now! You’re healthy! Perfectly healthy!’
I knew that and was no longer afraid. I no longer wanted to cry. I knew that. I was healthy. My body was healthy. My blood was healthy. My bones were healthy, and my mind was healthy. I knew that. I was just there. I still was there, looking at my healthy mind.
‘Peter! You’re not sick anymore! You’re fine and healthy! Do you understand? Oh, baby! You’re not going to die! You’re not!’
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‘Peter! Talk to me! Please!’
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I didn’t remember being sick.
‘Peter!’
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I didn’t remember having cancer… anywhere.
‘Peter! Please! Talk to me! Please!’
When was I sick? I didn’t remember being sick. I think I’d know if I’d been sick, especially if I’d had cancer and was told I had been going to die. When was I sick?
‘PETER!’
‘Tina.’
‘Oh, Peter! Please talk to me! Please, baby! I love you so much!’
‘I don’t remember being sick? When was I sick? When did I have cancer? What’s going on? What’s going on, Tina? What?’
‘Peter, Listen! Please! Just listen. Okay? Just listen!’
‘Okay.’
Just what the hell was going on here? I felt so confused.
‘Peter. You were sick, but you’re not now. You did have cancer, but you don’t now.’
‘Why not? And why don’t I remember? You’d think I would, wouldn’t you? Jesus! I’d know, wouldn’t I, for Christ’s sake?’
‘Peter, please! Just listen! Just listen and don’t interrupt! Okay? Please, Peter! Please!’
‘Okay, okay.’
But I wasn’t. I was far from okay… about anything and everything.
‘Peter. You were sick once, and you did have cancers, but you don’t now! You knew that then, but you don’t remember now. But you’re healthy now! Whatever sickness you had is gone now! It’s gone! And you did it! You did it!’
Jesus! The flashes of my mind were beautiful! Absolutely beautiful! Simple, uncomplicated and beautiful! How could my life become so complicated all of a sudden when my mind was the exact opposite?
‘Peter! You had a theory! After the doctors had told you of your sickness you wouldn’t accept it. You had a felt-right conceptual theory that your subconscious mind had been misinformed, somehow, through conditioning that your bones were sick, but that the whole Integral of who you really were, wasn’t sick at all. Yet, your subconscious mind didn’t know that, somehow. Your body believed your subconscious mind, you said. That’s why your body was sick and had cancers. But you believed you weren’t sick at all.’
Jesus!
‘Peter, you believed that if you could remove the memory from your subconscious mind of ever having been conditioned to imagine your sickness, in the first place, it would carry on as normal, as if you weren’t, and tell your body to do the same thing. And since your subconscious mind controlled your immune and auto-immune system, and didn’t have any memory of ever being sick, it would tell your immune systems to carry on as normal and just fix up whatever was wrong that it didn’t have any memory of ever being that way.’
Jesus!
‘But in order to remove that memory from your subconscious mind, you believed it would have to be removed from your conscious mind as well, and your body’s mind, too, for your theory to be complete in memory removal. You got Derek and I to place you in a trance depth you’d never experienced before, beyond somnambulistic, but you gave us your instructions and made us promise to carry them out, on the promise of your life.’
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‘Peter!’
‘Yes.’
‘’Derek and I did as you asked and carried out your instructions to the letter. Everything you said to do, we did, and even using the special scripts you left as. We didn’t change a word-not one. But… But something happened. You didn’t know. You couldn’t have known. When we brought you out of the first trance… you… you… Peter, when we brought you out of the first trance, which took a really long time, you… you didn’t know us. You didn’t recognise us. You didn’t recognise… me… your own… wife.’
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‘Peter?’
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‘Peter! Please, baby!’
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‘I’m here.’
I didn’t know where exactly here was right then, but I knew I was there. It was the only thing I was sure of, because I could see it-I was looking at my own living, breathing mind, so I knew I was somewhere.
‘Oh, baby. You’re fine now! Peter! You did it! You did it! Your theory worked! Your cancer and all sign of any sickness has disappeared! You’re healthy! Perfectly healthy!’
I knew that. I felt that. I could see that.
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‘Peter, please!’
‘When was I sick? How long ago did all this happen?’
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‘TINA! HOW LONG!’
‘Seven… years ago… just after your… your fortieth… birthday party.’
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Seven years?
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‘Peter?’
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Seven years? I had cancer seven years ago and got rid of it by removing the memory of it even being there from my subconscious mind and body?
‘Peter! Please!’
Seven years ago I did that? And at the same time removed the memory of who I was… and who I was married to?
‘Peter, baby! Please!’
I managed, through some hair-brained bloody theory, to do the bloody impossible, and remove cancer from myself, and then went on from the sublime to the bloody ridiculous and removed myself from myself? My life? My wife? My work? Everything? My history? My whole bloody life? I removed my whole bloody life… from my life? For seven years? I had a life and a wife and a job and an existence, but didn’t have any of them… any more? For seven bloody years? And they didn’t have me?
‘PETER! PLEASE TALK TO ME!’
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Jesus!
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She didn’t have me? For seven whole years?
‘Oh, Peter, baby! Please? Please?’
I didn’t have her and she didn’t have me?… For seven whole long bloody years?
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‘Peter?’
Jesus!
‘Peter! You knew there were risks of the unknown! You told us! We all knew! But you wanted to do it. You believed in yourself and your theory! You didn’t know what they were, but you knew! We all did! But it worked! Peter! It worked! You did it! You did it!’
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But at what cost? Jesus! Seven years! Seven long bloody years! Jesus!
‘Baby, I love you so much! I’ve always loved you so much! When you couldn’t remember me, or any of us, it broke our hearts… it broke my heart! We didn’t know whether your theory had or would work. We didn’t know and you didn’t remember any of us. I loved you so much I… I… I had to… to let you go, in case your memory removal theory needed the removal from me from your life and existence as well. I didn’t know what to do, baby!
I just didn’t know what to do! I loved you so much and for so long… for twenty years… but if it meant you might live and your theory might work, I had to let you go. You… You… didn’t… know me. You just…didn’t. It broke my heart that I couldn’t tell you. You just got up from the chair…and didn’t know me.’
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‘Peter!’
My mind was crying. I could see it. My body was crying. I could feel it. And so was I.