The Separation Agreement
Part One
I was bummed, to say the least.
I was sitting in the office of a lawyer. A divorce lawyer. It still boggles my mind that I would ever need to be in the office of a divorce lawyer, but nonetheless, here I was. I had discovered the infidelity of my wife a little over two months ago, and I was here to put the finishing touches on a separation agreement. The lawyer was a friend of somebody I knew from work, and I was grateful for the introduction, as I was in no financial position to be that picky about lawyers.
The door opened, and he came back into the room from getting himself a cup of coffee. He even brought me one- how thoughtful. “So,” he began, “let me recap this. You accidentally read some of your wife’s email, in which she is exchanging hot and heavy letters with some guy from Philly...”
The blunt manner of this guy was incredible. If he wasn’t so inexpensive for me because of my connection with his buddy, I’d have left. “Yeah, " I replied, “do we need to go into the particulars again?”
“I’m sorry. Anyway, you feel really jerked around, and you just want this thing to all be over, right?”
“That’s about right, yeah. I don’t have the heart to drag this out in court, but I don’t want to get the short end of the stick either.”
“Well,” he said, “I think I can help you out. But what I want to know is this...” He leaned forward in his chair, and looked at me very seriously. “Is that all you want?”
“What do you mean?” I was a little confused by his awkward delivery.
“Just that. Do you just want this to be done as quickly and as ‘fairly’ as possible, or do you want more?” He gave the hint of a smile in his face.
“What do you mean? Revenge?”
“I’m just curious.” He sat back in his chair again. “Jeremy said that my particular... abilities... would be useful for you in this case, but I don’t just offer them unless there’s a real want for them.”
“What are you talking about?” I was starting to doubt if listening to Jeremy’s advice about this lawyer was the best idea. He was starting to seem like a nut job.
“Look- you seem like a straight forward kind of guy. People like you are the ones that usually get screwed by bitches like her. That’s right- I just called her a bitch. Can you handle it?”
“Yeah. What’s your point?”
“My point is, I have a lot of clients today, many of whom will be paying me a LOT more money that you will be, so I don’t have the time to pussyfoot you through the handholding, baby-stepping path that I normally go through to get people to employ my services. I’m going to cut to the chase. Do you still have attraction for your wife?”
I looked at him as I thought about it. After a minute, I said, “She really hurt me, and broke my trust. Plus, I was always the giver I the relationship. I was waiting on her hand and foot, and I never got much back. I was so blind not to see that this was going to happen at some point.”
“You’re just too nice a guy. I understand. I have clients like you all the time. My question is, however, if you had the chance, would you want to have the tables turned- if only for a little while? Be the recipient of such attention rather than the one be screwed by giving it?”
I wasn’t exactly sure where this was headed, but I did feel a jolt in my gut. The kind that either means things are about to get a lot worse or a lot better. I was hoping it was the latter. “She’s still a total babe. I think I could take that, sure.”
“Then this is what I propose- I’ll take my usual fee, plus, I want to deliver the separation agreement to her, and I want to do it alone. 24 hours after that, you will go to back to your apart- I’m sorry- HER apartment, and then you’ll sign the agreement. After that it will be official. I just don’t want you to interrupt her from the time I leave this office, until you get the call to sign the agreement at her place. Agreed?”
“Are you going to harm her at all? This doesn’t sound quite right...”
“Trust me. No harm will come to her. I’m just going to do what you want- get her to sign an agreement that allows you to get your fair... compensation.” He let out a big wolf smile.
Part Two
I knocked on the door. I had not been back to this apartment in weeks. A lot of my things were still there, inside, waiting for me to get them. I hadn’t even found an apartment yet to put them in. I had been walking in a daze ever since this all occurred. I’d been crashing on couches, and avoiding the reality that my marriage was over, and I needed to start over too. When that lawyer called me on my cell, he seemed so... excited! That was the word- excited! How could anyone be excited about signing a separation agreement? Plus, why did I have to do it here? Couldn’t I have met her at a neutral place? Did I need to be here, where emotions were still so strong and dangerous?
I heard my wife’s voice through the door- “It’s unlocked.” She couldn’t even come to open the door? Had things deteriorated that much? I turned the knob and went inside.
The apartment was dark, except for the light of several candles. Lots of them, actually. There was a smell of some sort of spice in the air. Jasmine? I wasn’t sure. What I was sure about, however, was what was right in front of me. On the hat rack, hanging on two strings, were a large quill and a long document. There was ink dripping off the tip of the quill, as if it had been dipped in ink moments ago. I quickly grabbed the quill and tilted it so it wouldn’t drip anymore, then looked at the agreement. It was turned to the page that I needed to sign. Her signature was right above it. “So, I guess there’s no subtlety? Come in, sign the agreement, then leave? Whatever.” I quickly scribed my name to it.
The moment I had finished writing the last letter to my name, I heard my wife exhale form the next room, “I thought you’d NEVER sign it! I’ve been waiting so long...” As I turned the corner, to walk around the bookshelves in the foyer and enter the living room, I noticed more candles and more of that enticing aroma. But what I noticed most of all is my wife. She was kneeling on the rug in the middle of the room, and she was completely nude except for some sort of loose red fabric around her waist and red high-heeled sandals. Her nails were done in the matching red, and her hair was pulled back in a ponytail. She was looking up at me with a look that I had not seen I years- one of total adoration. But it was more than that- it was worship. She was worshipping me with her eyes.
“I’m so grateful you finally signed it, my Master. I’ve been waiting here for you for so long, ever since I signed it. Now, I can finally fulfill the terms of the agreement, my Lord.”
I was stunned into silence. I could do nothing but watch in numbed shock as my wife got up and led me to the sofa. When I sat sown, she kneeled at my feet, removed my shoes and socks, and began kissing my toes. “Oh, my Master,” she began, “please allow your most humble slave to begin serving you and pleasuring you, as it is written?” Her lips became busy again.
“What are you talking about?” I was enjoying this, but I was very confused. Was this some sick joke? Was I being videotaped, and then was this going to be used against me in some future court proceeding?
“You seemed troubled, Master. Am I not fulfilling the terms correctly? Shall I bring you the Agreement for your review?” She batted her eyes at me as she reached her sinewy arm up my pants leg and caressed my calf.
“Yes. I’d like to read this agreement.”
“At once, my Master.” She bolted up instantly, and ran to the hat rack. She came back and handed me the agreement. “May I get you something to drink, Master?”
I decided to take advantage of this while I could. “Yeah. A beer if you have it.”
“Of course, Master. I have your favorite beer waiting for you.” She darted out of the room, wiggling as attractively as she could in the process.
Still extremely confused at the present state of events, I began to read the document. The contents of it were written in a dry manner, except that there is no way my wife would have agreed to the particulars of THESE contents: “The Wife shall actively behave in such a manner as to bring nothing but pleasure to the Husband. She shall obey all of his commands instantly and enthusiastically, using her utmost energy and intelligence to fulfill his desires. She shall dress and speak in a manner that will be pleasing to him...”
I was so engrossed that I didn’t notice my Wife returning with my beer in a large glass. She handed to me, and then asked, “May I have permission to please you while you review the Agreement? Please, Master?”
I started to smile, and see how far I could push this. “Of course, slave.”
“Oh, thank you, Master!” She quickly removed my pants and boxer shorts. As her lips and tongue began to pleasure me in ways that had not happened in our entire history together, I started to read the finer points of this agreement. “The Wife shall have her feet soft and her nails pedicured and painted at all times... She shall orally pleasure him whenever he is in a sitting position unless otherwise instructed... She shall massage his body during his sleep...”
As her mouth made it increasingly difficult to read, I thought to myself, “I think I could get used to this divorce...”