Ass You Wish : Building Our Own Families — Ch. 03
Slowly pulling out, Ophelia held a tri-folded set of papers in her hand. In her other hand, she held out the envelope; just an empty set of recently used red lips now that its secrets were spilling out into her mouth and bouncing off her tongue.
“Would you kindly take this from me.” Ophelia said, not even bothering to phrase it like a question anymore.
“Okay.” Azuryn replied, taking the envelope and putting it on top of their desk. They found it endearing that she was using the command phrase when she had to have known how unnecessary it was. But, Azuryn rationalized: if it was a part of her feeling safe enough to be there, then they’d gladly do it just to ensure she was comfortable enough to continue communicating.
Ophelia began to unfold the papers, unsure of what to expect. She loved them... hell, a small part of her was still in love with them! But if it was some kind of mushy love confession, she’d rather vomit; and that was a topic she was going nowhere near. Hesitancy growing, the few threads of trust that hadn’t been severed years ago strummed along in their own excitement. Curiosity would always be her downfall, but she had learned to control it over the years; tamed it so that it served her instead. Just like all her other emotions; the desires she’d dealt with since they’d last seen each other. The remaining maroon threads left in her rainbow coalition of emotions however held out, and likely always will, fittingly entrenched deep within her orchestra of emotions.
‘Even if they’re only in a lightly agreeable state,’ Ophelia thought to herself, ‘they still seem a fair bit out of it. Maybe this was all a mistake. I should leave and check on them in the morning.’
She weighed her choices: having full control of herself wasn’t always a guarantee, but each day reigned in more self-control than before; what was there to lose? ‘Well, might as well read whatever they felt was important enough to not only hand write, but put in a silly little envelope.’
Ultimately, she realized that she had never felt more in control, and so instead of reading to herself, she began reading aloud.
“November 8th was one of the most harrowing nights the last iteration of myself faced. Add on the fact that I had just moved across the country a week prior, and I felt the loneliest I had ever been.” She paused. She remembered that night. They were a thousand miles away and yet she wished she could’ve held them more than ever that night.
“But the night after? I had never felt more alive! And maybe I’m still chasing that high. Because I thought I’d finally get to be myself. Because I was madly in love.” ‘Oh please don’t go there, Ryn.’ “Because the streets were ours! The buses, the highways, the monuments; we were a sea of people, naively convinced we were ready to become the swirling tsunami we needed.
And so as I ran from block to block, metro to park, street to overpass, all I could think about was how I wish you could’ve been there. It doesn’t come to mind much anymore, but over half a decade later and it still pops up from time to time. Like flashes popping through pinholes. Blurry glimpses in time caught between catching my breath and keeping myself hydrated as we flooded through the city. I know it would’ve been impossible, but I still wish it was a memory we could’ve made together. I don’t care what would’ve happened to us after that. It was a once in a lifetime experience that anyone would’ve wanted to share with their best friend. Maybe I’m not such an outlier as I thought.”
“Ryn...” She paused to look at them. She half expected them to have an asshole-ish smirk spread across their face. But they didn’t. It was a look of attentiveness, hidden underneath a wavering smile and what looked to be the beginning of tears. “Ryn, I don’t have to read this right now; I can read it after I leave!”
That word: Leave. Its acidic taste stayed on her tongue for far longer than she wanted; just like how it drifted all too slowly through their ears. Azuryn may have become a top-class mediator, but they still stumbled when it came to their own scenarios.
“No,” They said as they held their glasses in one hand and wiped their tears with the other. “I may be getting hit with bursts of melancholy, but I’m tearing up because I’m happy. I remember that night. Please; continue, Lia.”
“Okay.” She glanced back to the papers in hand. Inspecting the next part, she was thrown off by the paragraph’s structure; and how it was surrounded by different types of little black dots while some words, and even entire lines, had been crossed through. “Before I continue, is this next part supposed to be a poem, or... like a song? I can barely read the stuff you’ve crossed through so I’m not gonna try; it’s an understatement to say I’m terrible at reading between the lines. Also, there’s tiny music notes... or at least I think they’re music notes, surrounding it and—“
“It’s a poem that I wanted to see if I could turn into a song. But I kept messing up the flow of everything when I kept trying to change things. I didn’t want to get carried away and have it lose its message either; have it unintentionally become some bastardized version of what I wanted to say, especially cause I rushed it. And yeah, don’t worry about it; I hate trying to read between the lines too. Ya know, considering the whole...” They said, briefly waving their hand around by their head. They then motioned for her to resume her reading.
“All the things that’ll come back to you,When you think of what you wish you’d said.And here you are running through exercises.Working through the damage you did,To get control over your own head.To no longer let your mind control you,To never be a slave to your fears again.But are you able to let yourself be free?Well, we’ll see, won’t we?...”
“I like it.” Ophelia said with a smile.
“Y-you do?”
“Yeah; I was afraid it’d be mushy, but it just made me feel... I don’t know... Remembered?” She asked the universe; uncertain of herself. “Respected? It at least feels like that’s sort of what you were going for. And we both know how much trouble you’ve had expressing things like that in the past.”
“I got better.” They said, trying to take the comment as if it was just a scratch; instead of the flesh wound it felt like. “You’re right though.”
“And you’re left.” Now it was Azuryn’s turn to roll their eyes. “No, wait, it’s reassured! That’s it; but in like a roundabout way that I had to find myself? Like, I have to be able and willing to let you reassure me before I can even be reassured.” She said with amused confusion, then continued reading.
“I heard through the olive vine that you had finally gotten the university to let you take those semesters abroad. Add to the laundry list of questions I wish I could ask you: what kind of magic did you have to use to pull that off?” ‘Oh, come on now; you’re pretty familiar with just how persuasive I can be, Ryn.’ “Well, I’m just glad you got to go; absolutely because you wanted it, but I’d be lying if I didn’t say I was a little envious. I really want to go be an eyewitness to how much development the United Republic of British Isles and New Ireland has made.”
“It’s actually really beautiful! They had cleared out so much of the debris that you’d have confused it for a few disheveled post-austerity cities; not a post-civil war-torn nation. And honestly, most people were surprised to see a friendly American so soon that it felt like I was answering more questions than I was able to ask.” She cut herself off with a laugh then started to begin again.
“I wonder what your younger self would’ve thought of you, the prim and proper innocent little cajun asian country gal that you were, hanging out and partying with a bunch of rowdy URBINItes.”
“Wow. Really, Ryn?” her eyes darted up towards them. They were rubbing the back of their neck with a wide grin plastered across their face as they tried to keep themself from blushing. ’They should open a bottle of wine if they’re gonna keep being this cheesy.
“Yeah, couldn’t help myself.” They said as their arm shifted from their neck. Moving their hand forward, they briefly pinched and tugged their shirt’s collar, then let go. Ophelia’s only response was a playful set of dagger eyes as she returned to the letter.
“Honestly? I bet she would’ve been on board the second she heard about it; then would’ve proceeded to lie for months on how it was financially impossible, or I was being ridiculous, or best of all: how it wasn’t compatible with her goals. I can’t deny that I miss her, but the person I miss most is the version I might never get the chance to meet.”
‘I miss her too,’ Ophelia thought back to her bygone sense of innocence; but that was then followed up with a shudder from the tremendous amount of ignorance she had carried at the time as well. ‘How did they put up with it all? Wait, no! No, that’s not how I should look at it; it’s just... wow.’ It was embarrassing, but she was glad she had been able to grow out of that shell; she just wished Azuryn could’ve cracked her more gently. ‘Maybe then we would’ve—’ she cut her thought mid ponder, not letting what-if’s or had-been’s dull her sharpened mind.
“Okay, okay that’s it. Anything past this would just make me miss our bantering. And that just reminds me how I can’t fully remember what your voice sounds like.”
That hit her harder than it probably should’ve. If there was one thing she never wanted, it was to be forgotten. Furrowing her brows, the thought of it alone seemed to dull her senses for a brief moment. Unfurrowing her brows, she lightly shook her head. A quick attempt to get back into her previous headspace; which seemed right in front of her, but continued to elude her.
“Everything is confusing and I wish I could know.”
‘I wish I could know too; wish I could’ve known, Ryn.’ She thought as she began to fold the papers back into their trifold and handed it back to them. As she did, an echo played in her mind from the last bit. ‘The person I miss most is the version I might never get the chance to meet.’ Her mind wondered while wandering. ‘How long had it been since we’d last seen each other that they wrote this? And for that matter, how long has it been since they wrote this? Wrote these!?’ Ophelia’s heartrate peaked as she flipped open the lid on her personalized pandora’s box. Despite her disappearing disinterest, she was still put off by the initial surprise of being greeted by how much it was packing. Practically overflowing with parchment, she imagined they were a mouth-filling and overflowing mix of salty and sweet. With a slight tinge of wavering bitterness; but satisfying to finish once you get it all out in the open. Especially if the words were coming from her lips. She briefly bit her lip at that thought.
“Before I say anything else, I want to ask why you wrote all these. And for that matter, why not just use a blog to keep them organized like everyone else?”
“Because almost every single one of those is an incomplete thought. A fragment of an idea, passing through my head and jotted down before it could fade. They’re not all about you, by the way; yes, it started as an outlet for my thoughts of you, but it’s since become an outpour of emotions regarding the hardships I’ve been dealing with. I come back from time to time; to see the little ways I’ve changed and grown. And If I were to post them on a blog, someone might come across them and take them all at face value. Do I need to remind you how you started following my old blog before you even knew it was mine? Or even knew me? Also, it just wouldn’t feel the same if it wasn’t physical. With all of that said, there are honestly a few in there that, in hindsight, I think are pretty cringey; so I’m glad you read that one instead.” Azuryn’s blush reddened to a light crimson. “I’m still a little insecure about people judging me; specifically, without knowing anything about what’s been going on in my life... it’s gotten me into one too many hairy situations to say the least. I’m just hoping it’s all on my tail end. So... yeah.”
Mindlessly shuffling her hand through the papers, Ophelia thought about how even with a lot of improvements, there were still some pieces of the old Azuryn left in them. It was looking like they were mostly all good ones, and she could easily see it staying that way.
“Fair enough. I’m still a little... no, a lot, confused by this all. But I’m gonna trust you on this one. Don’t make me regret it,” she said as she uncovered a pair of pink nylon webbings.
“Wait, is this what I think it is!?” She sat the box on the desk and pulled on one end expecting the other to follow suit. “What?” It did not. And so, she grabbed the other one.
She held them in each hand, nearly identical except that one had a cute tag that read her name on one side, as well as Azuryn’s old pet-name for her on the other side.
“Ryn...” She turned to them, a look of confusion and sadness now forming on her face. “Why is it broken?”