How to Avoid the High Cost of Halloween
By Milo Minderbinder
“Trick or treat!” demanded a pint-sized Kylo Ren.
“Trick or treat!” repeated his sister, a black-clad Avenger in a platinum blonde wig.
I recognized the Murphy twins from down the street. “Great costumes, kids.” I held out the bowl of candy.
Kylo held his hand above the treats, invoking the force to levitate a king-sized Hershey’s bar. This could be a long wait. I grabbed the bar and handed it to the junior Sith.
He waved the chocolate over his head. “Once again, I dominate the weak minds of my enemies.”
The tiny Black Widow circled me, executing ninja-like moves, before scooping up a Krackle bar.
“Thanks, Mr. Kane,” they called out, racing off the porch.
Black Panther remained the leader for Halloween 2018 with a total of nine. That last Kylo Ren made six, tying him with Elsa. But the trick-or-treaters were more infrequent as the hour grew long, and it appeared that T’Challa’s lead would be insurmountable.
Miaw! Madame Marie Curie, my blue-point Siamese, announced displeasure over the lack of treats for her.
I scratched her ears. “Sorry, Madame, none for you. You’re growing quite a belly.”
Miaw! Indignant at my explanation, she leapt to the top of the bookshelf and glared down at me.
Another knock. I glanced at the clock. Curfew was five minutes away. Probably the last trick-or-treaters of the evening.
I opened the door to find a witch dressed in all black. I figured her for late twenties. She wore a pointed hat on top of her shoulder-length jet-black hair, a low-cut blouse with hot pants, fishnets and knee-high boots. A black gemstone hung from a silver necklace around her porcelain white neck. She held a tiny clutch in her left hand.
“Tricks or treats?” Her ruby red lips curled into a not-so-innocent smile.
“Aren’t you a bit old for this?” I asked.
“You have no idea,” she muttered.
“Is there a tiny Spider-man or Harley Quinn hiding behind you?”
“Nope, it’s just me.” She grinned, displaying perfect white teeth, and spun, showing off stunning curves.
I shook my head. “I’d like to get rid of the candy rather than leave it about the house,” I said patting my paunch. “But the holiday is for kids. Have a good night.” I started to close the door.
With her index finger she rubbed the onyx on her necklace and said, “Why don’t you invite me in?”
I don’t know if it was her sky-blue eyes sparkling in the porch light, or her voice reverberating inside my head, but some force overwhelmed my mind and twisted my will. I smiled politely and asked, “Why don’t you come in?”
As she brushed by, I got a whiff of perfume, sweet like honey. She let her ice-cold hand linger on my chest, right over the heart.
“And you are?” It seemed like the natural question to ask the supernatural entity in my living room.
“You can call me, Diana.” She grabbed the candy bowl, took a seat on the sofa and poured the contents into her clutch. The volume of candy was at least four times the size of the bag.
“How does that work?” I asked.
She shrugged. “The bag is bigger on the inside.”
Mind control. Space-time displacement. What other hocus-pocus was Diana capable of?
“Roger, aren’t you curious about what happens next?”
Telepathy! “You read minds, too?”
Her laugh sent my knees wobbling. “Don’t be silly. Your name is on the mailbox.” Diana crossed her legs and ran a shiny black nail along her right thigh. “I want something from you, Roger.”
“Youth? Life force? My soul?”
She shook her head. “You’ve watched too many bad horror movies.” She lowered her voice an octave. “I want your money.”
“My money! What kind of a witch are you?”
She stood up and put her hands on her hips. “The kind who likes organic vegetables and five-star resorts.” She sighed. “Do you have any idea how expensive SoulCycle classes are?”
“Sounds rough.” I fake frowned. “I’d love to help, but I’m on a budget.”
“You’ll be eager enough to help in no time. Let’s start with your wallet.” She slid her hand to her chest and stroked the onyx.
I clenched my jaw, tried not to speak, but I wasn’t in command. Against my will, I heard myself asking, “Diana, would you like my wallet?”
The necklace seemed to be the source of her power. I tried to inch forward, but my feet were glued to the floor. I moved my arms a smidge to be sure I could. She stepped closer and I flexed my hands. If I could just snatch the jewel... She was right in front of me. I reached up a—
“Hand over your wallet,” she commanded.
My arm jerked like someone grabbed it. My hand in slipped into my pocket, pulled out my wallet and offered it to her.
Diana giggled as she snatched the wallet from my hand. Her smile quickly became a frown. “Twenty-seven dollars and a gift card to Dave & Buster’s?”
My shoulders weren’t frozen, so I shrugged. “Told you I was on a budget.”
“You’re going to have to do much better than that.” She glanced around the living room: cheap Ikea furniture, ten-year old television, worn carpeting. “You’re obviously not spending your money, so you must be saving it.”
I swallowed hard and said nothing.
“What is it? CDs, Stocks, 401-k? I’ve g—
I flinched. Her eyes sparkled. I gave myself away.
She grinned widely. “I’ve got a special spell for guys with big retirement accounts.” She rubbed the onyx. “What’s the balance?”
I knew I couldn’t help but answer, but maybe I could stall things a bit. “I’m not exactly sure. The market’s been pretty wild these past couple of weeks, so I ca—”
“Silence.” She waved a hand at me. “More or less than a quarter million?”
“More.”
She smiled. “More or less than half a million?”
“More.
“This is getting interesting. More or less than three-quarters of a million?”
“Less.”
She shrugged. “Oh, well. Still a pretty nice haul. Sure to keep me in Versace and Louboutins.”
“I’m thrilled I can help.”
“You will be.” She slipped the necklace off and held it before me, the onyx level with my eyes. She set it swaying back and forth.
“Go ahead and watch my jewel...
“Follow it with your eyes...
“Just so easy to relax and do as I say...”
I couldn’t move my hands to swat the jewel away, and I didn’t really want to. The black stone reflected the light into my eyes, and Diana’s voice echoed in my mind. I was helpless.
“Keep watching my jewel...
“Go back and forth...
“As you let my words into your mind...
“Deep into your mind...
“Going deep into your subconscious...
“And relax...”
And I was relaxed. More relaxed than I thought possible. No cares in the world. I was content to spend the rest of the day, maybe the rest of my life, listening to Diana’s voice and watching her jewel.
“Falling under my spell...
“Into my control...
“Impossible to resist...
“And so eager to obey...
Yes, I wanted to obey her. Needed to obey her. Had to obey her. I was desperate for any command, just so I could experience the sheer bliss of doing as she said.
“You want to share all the information concerning your finances with me...
“Accounts, login IDs, passwords...
“Feel the need to tell it all...
“You want me to have this...
“You want me to have all you have...”
“Yes,” I answered in a monotone. I had to obey her. Had to give her what she wanted. “The information is on my computer.”
“Delightful. Take me to it.”
I started to turn. Out of the corner of my eye I saw movement. My mind was so muddled I didn’t realize what it was.
Miaw! A hissing Madame Marie Curie dove from the bookshelf with claws bared. She landed on Diana’s shoulder and sliced her neck.
Diana shrieked. The necklace fell to the floor. She struggled to shake the cat loose, but Madame dug in her claws.
The spell was broken; I could move. I retrieved my Beretta from the desk drawer.
Madame leapt to the floor. Diana stomped at her.
I pointed the gun at Diana. “Don’t hurt my cat.”
“Of course not.” She smiled, but her dazzling white teeth weren’t so alluring with blood dripping down her neck. “Roger, why don’t y—”
“Stop!” I waved the gun. “I can pull this trigger, faster than you can spin another spell.”
Her smile disappeared. “Fine. I’ll go visit the software engineer down the block. He looks to be doing pretty well. I’ll just get my neckla—”
I stepped forward, caught the necklace with my heel, and dragged it out of her reach. “Nope, I’ll keep the gem. And leave my neighbors alone. Why don’t you bother the one percenters in Greeneville?”
“Whatever.” She grabbed her purse.
Despite all I had gone through, I found myself watching her rocking hips as she walked out the door.
Madame rubbed against my shin.
I bent down and scratched her ears. “Good job, my jealous Madame.”
Miaw!
“Okay, come into the kitchen for a can of albacore. You earned it.”