Lighthouse
A small part of her mind wondered if maybe, just maybe, Fay shouldn’t have accepted the invitation after all. It had sounded almost too good to be true, yet try as she might she was unable to see the downside. One full weekend by the beach. Arguably, if there was anything clearly questionable about the idea it would be the lodgings. An old lighthouse, too small to still be considered useful and long since replaced. But apparently it had been sold—and the new owner was a relative of her best friend! She still remembered Joslyn’s face when she told her about it. About how nice it was to spend the night there. No wifi. No television. And not a single living soul far and wide. Just a cozy escape from all the noise and stress. Joslyn had looked relaxed, that was true. In fact, Fay couldn’t recall to have seen the normally outgoing musician that calm ever before! Her friend was excited to show her the three new songs she’d written over the last week, most of them actually during her two stays at the lighthouse. And they were fantastic. Her writer’s block seemed to be a thing of the past after that. “Didn’t you mention you had some work to finish? It’d be perfect for that. Nothing to distract you besides the sound of the waves.” It sounded perfect. Too perfect. Fay had worried. Had found reasons to decline and shy away from it. But over the next days the mountain of unfinished papers, unread reference books and complaints from co-workers as well as family had just grown more and more. And with each thing that pressured and rushed her, the retreat to a silent, empty beach sounded that much more tempting.
It had been a matter of just a single phone call. And half an hour later she sat in Joslyn’s car, a bag full of clothes and only the three most important books in the trunk as they followed the road out to the coastline. “Won’t they need it themselves? I’m really not intruding?” Her friend just laughed. “You worry too much! They are busy over the weekend. Even if they wanted, they told me themselves they can’t go for at least another three weeks. So you’re actually doing them a favour watching the place for a couple days.” They only stopped to pick up some groceries in a small town along the way. Fay insisted she wouldn’t need much, but she was still unwilling to touch the canned food the owner had stocked up on right after Joslyn’s last stay. No matter how many times her friend assured her that was exactly what it was meant for. She knew it was silly, but something about the invitation felt too good to be true. Fay figured that she was likely just letting the stress exaggerate her feelings of guilt, but no matter the reason she wanted to be as small a burden on her friend and their unknown relative as possible. She hadn’t even seen the place yet and had already bought chocolates for both of them, trying to repay their kindness. Though she at least had the decency to pretend they were snacks. Joslyn’s eyes had spoken volumes about what reaction she could expect had she tried to hand the gift over now.
Shortly before nightfall they reached the building. A small white tower in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by bundles of grass waving in the salty breeze on the pale sand. “Beautiful,” she mouthed and Joslyn grinned, a distant look in her eyes as if she were dreaming of her own stay here. “It really is.” An hour ago she would have found Joslyn’s reaction out of character. Seeing this, however, it seemed fitting in a way. A place like this invited to dream. Even if it turned out to be day dreams. They carried her bags inside and she offered to cook. But Joslyn had to turn her down, despite the visible reluctance to do so. She almost had the impression the other woman wanted to stay more than her. But work was calling and twenty minutes later she watched the lights of the car get smaller until they turned around a corner and disappeared entirely.
She was alone.
It was an unfamiliar feeling after months of sharing the place with drunk students. It took her a while to realize her fingers were fiddling with her phone. No connection. She put it down. By the time she’d made dinner the reality of being free for a few days had sunk in. The first thing she took from her bag was a book. Not the reference book, but one of her many unread novels. She had suspected as much, but now that she was here she didn’t feel like studying. Admitting it had only made Joslyn nod with an understanding smile. “I didn’t feel like working either. I never do when I’m there. But that is just the thing I needed. Simply do what you feel like doing. Then you’ll be fine.” Fay had thought that to be far too lax. But she hadn’t argued since she knew Joslyn meant well. Now, in hindsight, she wished she could apologize. Her friend had been spot on. She noticed a small CD player in a corner of the room. Surely… surely listening to some music wouldn’t bother anyone? The next second she laughed. Who would know? She was alone.
Her fingers hit the button before she laid down to read. Instead of music as she would have expected there was just the sound of the waves. Occasionally a sea gull could be heard as well, but aside from that it was just the steady sound of the ocean. Fay admitted that she appreciated this. Of course she wouldn’t need the CD for it, the lighthouse was build close enough to the sea as it was. Yet there was little of the sound reaching through the thick stone walls.
While turning page after page she noticed herself getting a bit restless. She couldn’t quite place her finger on it. But there was something amiss. Joslyn’s words echoed in her head. “Do what you feel like doing.” Could it be that simple? She pondered it for a moment until by the time she noticed her hands had already begun to undress her. “It really is high time for bed now.” She slipped out of her clothes and under the covers.
Only the next morning did she question why she had just slept naked for the first time in years.
Noticing it however was different from doing anything about it. She only put on clothes when after eating she decided the weather was just right for a short stroll. It was amazing. She didn’t really recall the last time she’d been to the sea before, at best only remembering vague colours and emotions. It had been years since. Fay wondered if it had always had this soothing air about it. Or if that was just the crass contrast between the hustling city life and the utter silence of this place. Even though she had intended to take a scroll she didn’t get far before she just sat down and stared out into the rolling waves. Watching them draw closer and ebb away again. Over and over. Hearing nothing but the water washing over the shore, the wind playing with the grass and her hair, far away a distant bird.
Her eyes felt dry before she even realized that she had gotten lost in thought, only staring and listening and waiting. And dreaming, she realized. Dreaming of the cozy bed inside the lighthouse and the soft covers hugging her skin. She blushed at that—but it felt right and so she appreciated the thought. She had been far too obsessed with her work, she nodded. No time at all for anything even just remotely more intimate. She might just use her time here to… No! Angry at herself she rose and marched back inside. What had she been thinking? This place still belonged to someone else. Someone who when they came here the next time wanted to find things as they’d left them. Her guilt welled up again, much as she tried to tell herself there was no reason for it.
Her fingers had started up the music once more as soon as she found herself wishing she could just listen to the waves and unwind. To further distract herself she got out her materials and delved into work. It was a bit of a bumpy start. Her head was about to feel as clogged up and drained as all those other times before. But then she allowed herself to just picture the sea again, waves washing through her memory in time with the sounds from the CD. Her lips curled into an innocent smile as she imagined each wave rolling in was a new idea, a new inspiration. And each one ebbing away swept all those baseless concerns into the vast depths of the water. One moment blurred into the next and she wouldn’t have known to say if she was drawing or writing. That was how easy things seemed to become as soon as she just entrusted herself to the ideas the waves gave her. It was such a liberating feeling that she found herself beaming with glee by the time she had finished for the day.
She enjoyed listening to the waves, letting them wash through her mind to fill it with new things. The thought made her chuckle. In the end, that way of thinking about it was nothing but an idea. It wasn’t like the waves really washed her brain or anything. But it felt so damn soothing to think they did. To imagine that they easily swept away everything that normally hindered her, leaving behind only happy relaxation and freedom. That they carried beliefs and new motivation into her head like the ocean at times carried things to the shore.
It was such a soothing idea in fact that she kept the CD running all the time. It didn’t matter whether she’d been working, or whether she was cooking. At times she didn’t even consciously notice the sounds, with them just blending into the background until she could no longer tell whether she was listening to the sound from the CD or the actual ocean. In the end it wasn’t like that made a difference anyhow. Or so she told herself at one point when she caught herself confusing the two again. After cooking she was all too eagerly slipped out of her clothes once more. They felt too warm and stuffy. And she was going to wash herself anyhow before going to bed.
Though that made her recall that she was only here for the weekend. Tomorrow she would already have to leave again. Joslyn would come fetch her in the evening so that she’d be home again in time for work. The realization that she would be leaving managed to put a dent in her good mood. Her eyes fell onto a small trunk next to the bed. She hadn’t opened that one before. Wasn’t it far too likely it contained things from the owner of this place? But with her work done and now looking for something to restore her blissful mood curiosity got the better of her. “If it’s really none of my business,” she reasoned, “I’m sure it will be locked. I’ll merely try it once.” Her fingers lifted up the lid without trouble. For the fraction of a moment she stopped, insecure if this was really okay. Then she shrugged and proceeded.
Inside the small wooden box was another CD, a small lamp modeled after a lighthouse and a camera. She picked up the CD and was mildly surprised to see it had a label. “Whispers of the waves,” she read and found the words caused an unexpected fluttering sensation in her “Does that mean it’s similar to the one already playing then?” She put it in and hit play. The familiar sound of the waves rolling onto the sand was soothing, but true to the words written on it she believed to hear a voice whispering in time with the water. Or was that just the way the wind seemed a bit stronger and louder here? When she really strained her ears she thought to hear someone whisper and telling her to give in or feel good. She wasn’t sure. If there truly was a voice talking, it was far too quickly drowned out by the sounds of nature. But Fay didn’t mind. She decided to let this one play for a while longer. If she got used to it, perhaps this would become a bit clearer… Had she just heard the word light there? Her eyes fell upon the small staircase leading up to where once the light had been that gave the lighthouse its name to begin with. Joslyn had mentioned that it was still just fine to go up there, but that the original signal was no longer being used so as to not accidentally confuse passing ships. So she had not really paid that much attention before. But now she was curious. What would the lighthouse look like at night, when the light became a guiding beacon for the people out on sea? Still, curiosity or not, now it was already late and cold outside. Did she really want to get dressed and climb the stairs just for a quick look at a no longer functioning light? Returning to the trunk she picked up the small lamp. It was clearly just meant for decoration, but… it had a remarkable similarity to the real thing. And seemed to be battery powered. She placed it on the nightstand before closing the trunk again. No need to check the camera. Fay wasn’t that insensitive.
After the lights went out and she’d crawled on the bed she giggled. Somehow what she was going to do had a naughty feeling to it—like she was staying up past bed time on a trip. The comparison caused her giggle to turn into freely laughing. When had she been able to play around like that last? In the dark she had a bit trouble finding the switch but once she did the lamp basked her in golden glow. It had a comforting feeling as in this otherwise completely dark room there suddenly was a single light slowly blinking and turning. She appreciated the attention to detail that had gone… into even… making the light turn… slowly… so… slowly…
Each time the light hid for a moment she felt like parts of her mind were falling into darkness as well, while each time it returned it seemed to fill her with glowing warmth. The voices in between the sound of waves washing through her thoughts were making more sense now, yet the more she looked into the light the less she understood. The words she heard were just echoing in the corners of her mind without really reaching her consciousness at all. The light was far too fascinating. Now that she looked closely, every odd number of turns there seemed to be the silhouette of a word flashing past the lamp when it flashed on and off in its slow, steady pace. Just for an instant and then it was gone. But that was silly. If the lamp had any such things added to it she would know that. Still it was so interesting. She wanted to keep watching to see if she could spot it again. Maybe if she got a bit closer? She tried sitting up but her body felt surprisingly heavy. It took all she had to just kneel on the bed, swaying a bit from the struggle to keep herself upright to look into the centre of the calmly flashing lights. Faintly she recalled her day dreams from her stroll along the beach. That might be just the thing to keep her focused for a bit longer still. Awake enough to keep looking for the word, no matter how much of her mind might be asleep in the darkness.
The first touch of a cautious finger on her slick flesh send a shiver through her body. She pondered stopping only for as long as it took for the pleasure to reach her mind. Then her eyes settled onto the lights once more. All she was able to focus on was that hopefully she hadn’t missed the word. She was only doing this to stay awake until she saw it after all. Wouldn’t want to get the sheets dirty. But as her finger began to rub and caress her folds, quickly joined by another before one slipped inside her to move in… and out… and in… and out… in the same slow and steady pace of the flashing lights, the same rhythmic dance as the rolling waves that swept her mind clean of anything but the sound, she stopped to care. And only wondered with the last of her thoughts falling into the dark night since when there were moans to be heard in the wind.
Her last day at the lighthouse was a blur. She didn’t remember when she got cleaned up or when the music stopped playing. There were pangs of guilt that apparently the batteries of the lamp had died, but she had found spare ones in a small box in the kitchen. And written a note that the next person would need to buy new ones. She would have done it herself, but the next shop was over an hour away unless she had a car. She had barely finished dressing herself when Joslyn arrived. “Well,” her friend had asked over her first and last cup of coffee before they’d take off, “how was it? Did I promise too much?” “No, you were right. It’s perfect here.” The two women grinned at each other over the shared sentiment. Fay felt she now understood exactly why her friend had such a spacey, vacant look in her eyes whenever she talked about this lighthouse. Sure enough, she herself would most likely look that way whenever she’d come to remember it. “By the way,” Fay knew her friend too well to miss the intentionally casual tone in her voice, “I talked with the owner. We could stay here again sometime soon.” “We?” “Yes, we. I did tell you how much I enjoy it here, right?” She raised her hands in a gesture of apology. “I never said there’d be something wrong with that. But would owner… I mean, would they really be okay with it?” Nobody had noticed that slip of the tongue, right? At least Joslyn did not react to it in the least, just nodding as she explained: “True, he did mention he might stop by. But he also gave me a key to this place. And I mean, this is his property.” She made a vague, all-encompassing gesture around the room. A gesture that should probably not have excited Fay as much as it did. “Right, right… I certainly would enjoy staying over again.” “I bet you would,” her friend laughed, “since I know I sure do! But for now we gotta get you back home. C’mon, grab your things and then we can be off.” “Okay. Give me a moment.” Fay gathered her bags and was already half out of the door when Joslyns question reached her. “Is that yours?” She turned around to see the other woman point at a small camera, placed on the nightstand by the bed. She immediately recognized it. “No, it’s not. It was in the trunk over there.” Which raised the question why it wasn’t there anymore. But she dismissed that. She’d simply forgotten to put it back after taking things out. Things like that happened sometimes. “Just put it in there and then we can go.”
Minutes later the two were in the car, drifting further and further away from the beach and the isolation there. Fay would be lying if she said she didn’t miss it already. Even though a small part of her mind still questioned whether or not she should have ever accepted this offer to begin with. There was something about it that she couldn’t place, something that trickled through her grasp like fine sand whenever she thought about it. But eventually she allowed Joslyn’s cheerful mood to distract her and soon they were chattering away. She would just have to have a talk with owner… with the owner herself next time. That would help! And until then there was nothing wrong with enjoying the change of pace it brought. And on occasion remember to hear the echo of waves rolling through her mind and a whispering voice in the wind.
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