For the umpteenth time, Hina wriggled about on her bed, trying to find a comfortable position. It seemed to be eluding her. Whichever way she turned, it felt like she was resting on cobblestones. Was there something wrong with her bed? Hina knew there wasn’t. Her body was the problem. Her body. Hina still struggling to think of it that way. Her body wasn’t flesh and blood, not mostly, not anymore. Wires ran through her body instead of veins, and she had polymer-coated metallic plates instead of skin, and motors instead of joints. Hina wasn’t against cybernetics, of course. No-one was. Cyberization was commonplace, but involuntary, 95% cyberization? Not so common.
“Are you ready?” Kimmie asked. She was sitting up on the bed next to Hina, her laptop in her lap.
“Yes, mistress,” Hina answered.
“Are you sure?”
Hina smiled slightly. It was reassuring to know her mistress was just as nervous as she was. “Yes, mistress.”
“Good.” Hina heard a furious barrage of typing. “Now, I need to ask… are you sure about this? Remember, we don’t have to do this now. If you want to wait, that’s OK. If you want to re-negotiate anything, that’s OK too.”
“I know, mistress,” Hina affirmed. She felt the urge to call off the scene they were planning, or at least delay it. But she knew that wasn’t really what she wanted, it was just her anxiety talking. “I… I’m sure. I want this.”
“OK,” Kimmie replied. In truth, they both knew it was more than a want. Hina needed this. Or at least, she needed something, and this was something they both thought was worth trying. Their D/s relationship had been a rock for both of them for years. Maybe it could help Hina now, after the accident.
The accident. That was what all this was all about. Hina couldn’t help revisiting it in flashes every time she thought about it or mentioned it. Screeching tires, the tortured scraping of metal on asphalt, blood, pain, and then… nothing. At the time, Hina had been sure she was dead. Afterwards, when she’d learned she wasn’t, the doctor had explained it to her so clinically. A broken spine, multiple shattered vertebrae, and shrapnel from her own bones perforating the arteries that supplied blood to her brain stem. She’d lost all her senses, and maybe that had been a mercy, because the shock of what had happened to the rest of her body might have killed her otherwise. Until a couple of decades ago, physical trauma on that scale would have been fatal. But in fact, they’d been able to rebuild her. Cybernetics could be nothing short of miraculous. Her new body was fully functional. At a distance, it was usually taken for an organic body, although a closer inspection could easily reveal the way that her skin-colored polymer coating was a little too artificially perfect, or notice the small seams between her body’s metal plates and around the access ports that she needed for recharging and maintenance. She was naked on the bed, leaving all of them fully visible, and one of those access ports, the one on the side of her beck, was currently open, exposing the metal beneath and allowing half a dozen wires to connect from her to Kimmie’s computer.
It was as simple as that. Physically, all her injuries had been completely undone. Hina wished she could say the same about her mental state, but the truth was, she was spirited back to the moment of the accident with every loud noise and every time she went to sleep. On bad days, it was every time she closed her eyes. The memory of the pain and of losing control was bad enough, but nothing was as terrifying and unbearable as the memory of the perfectly black, empty, abyss of nothingness she’d been plunged into after her spinal damage. She’d been so lost, so confused, and so scared, and just remembering that made her feel so fragile. The feeling and the memory were just too close. They seemed to live right behind her eyelids, ready to pounce on her at any moment, leaving her trembling and afraid. Therapy had helped, Kimmie’s stalwart support had helped even more, but none of it was enough.
Maybe this, though, would finally give her what she needed. It was something Hina had read about online, and something that she and Kimmie had discussed extensively before they had finally agreed to do it. Fortunately, Kimmie was an engineer, and already knew how to access Hina’s systems. After a lot of careful negotiation and a few simple experiments to confirm it was possible and safe, here they were. As Kimmie’s fingertips danced across her keyboard, making the final checks and preparations, Hina’s nerves were mounting by the second.
“I’m all set,” Kimmie announced finally. “Hina, are you ready?”
Hina smiled affectionate. “You already asked me that, mistress.”
Kimmie laughed, and then rebuked Hina with a sharp poke. “No talking back.”
“OK.” Hina’s smile melted away as she realized they were really about to begin. “Yes. I’m ready.”
“Good girl.” The praise managed to break through Hina’s nerves for a moment, making her shiver happily. “Then, here we go. The first stage.”
Kimmie typed another few lines of code, and then tapped a key decisively. Hina felt a little shiver run down her cybernetic body as the override command took hold of her systems. For a moment, she was too nervous to try and do anything. Nothing felt unusual, except for a strange stillness in her body. She took a moment to center herself, and then tried to lift her arm. She couldn’t. Her body wouldn’t obey her. Kimmie had placed all her body’s capacity for movement on lockdown. It was meant as safety measure, but they had quickly realized it was easy enough to re-purpose. Hina tried again—to lift an arm, a leg, to roll over, anything. There was nothing. No matter how hard she concentrated, there was no sign of the normally-familiar humming and vibration of her motors springing into life. She couldn’t move. She was paralyzed. A mix of intense feelings hit her like a gut-punch. She could feel a hint of panic starting to creep into her mind as she was reminded forcefully of how helpless she had felt back then. But she felt euphoric too, because it was Kimmie doing this to her. She loved Kimmie, and she trusted her so much, and she loved being under her control. Rules and punishments, chains and ropes, hypnosis—they had tried it all. Every time, the loss of control she felt at the visceral realization of her own powerlessness gave her a blissful head-rush of submissive pleasure. This was no different. This time, though, the mix of feelings was more intense and more confusing than she’d anticipated.
“I can see that worked,” Kimmie commented. “Didn’t it?”
“I… y-yes, mistress.” Hina was still able to speak, as they’d negotiated, but she was finding it hard to focus on even as simple a question as that.
“Wonderful.” Even in that one word, Hina could hear the change in Kimmie’s voice as she slipped into her dominant persona. Her mistress carefully set down the laptop on the bed next to her, and then clambered over Hina, straddling her. She looked Hina in the eyes, looming over her. “That means this is the part where I get to have some fun with you.”
Kimmie placed one of her hands on Hina’s tits and started massaging them roughly. Hina gasped. Her first instinct whenever Kimmie touched her like that was always to try and wriggle away from her intrusive fingertips, but she couldn’t, not even a little bit. Even the tightest, hardest bondage normally allowed for a little freedom to flex and turn, but not this. Hina was perfectly helpless, and the way Kimmie’s hands were roaming over her motionless form, teasing her tits and stroking her curves, was emphasizing that perfectly. Much of her cybernetic body was cold and reasonably firm to the touch, but not the places Kimmie was touching her. They were designed to be functional and appealing in every sense of the word. That included sensitivity. Hina couldn’t move, but she could feel everything with full intensity.
“M-mistress!” she moaned, as Kimmie’s fingers strayed between her legs.
“Yes?” Kimmie replied with obviously feigned curiosity, her tone of voice taunting. “Do you have something to say, pet?”
Hina made an involuntary, happy, squeaking noise at being called ‘pet’, just like she always did, and then she blushed at the unfairness of it, the emotion-responsive panels in her cheeks turning a warm red. It was all so unfair. Not only was she helpless and unable to pull away, she couldn’t even squirm, or lean into her mistress’s touch. It was like an itch she was unable to scratch. “I-it’s not fair!”
Kimmie smirked. “Just how you like it.”
Hina smiled at the familiar response. They’d had the same exchange so many times before. It felt comforting. Normal. Even the way Kimmie was groping and tormenting her body was like a dozen bondage scenes they’d had before. In the face of that, her complete inability to move seemed almost normal too. Like it was just another part of just another scene. And like those other scenes, it was safe.
After Kimmie had taken the time to fully explore Hina’s unresisting body, she turned back to look her in the eyes with a more serious expression on her face. “Are you ready for more?”
Hina tried to nod, before realizing she couldn’t. “Yes, mistress.”
“I know you don’t need to be reminded, but I’m going to remind you that you can safeword at any time here, OK? Even if you can’t speak, if you think ‘red’, hard enough, it’ll set off an alarm on my laptop.”
“I know.” Hina smiled, despite her mounting nervousness about what was coming next. She was so lucky to have such a caring mistress.
Kimmie clambered off of Hina and picked up her laptop again. Hina couldn’t turn her head to look at her anymore, but she could hear typing. Then: “OK. Next stage.”
Everything went black. Completely, utterly, perfectly black. It was like someone had turned out the lights. Every light. Hina’s instinct was to blink, even though she couldn’t and even though she knew what had really happened. Kimmie had disabled her eyes, and her ability to process visual information of any kind. She couldn’t see anything. It was so incredible that her ability to see could be taken from her so completely by just the touch of a button. It made her feel fragile, and it was hard not to let that feeling shake her to her core when the darkness was such a powerful reminder of the accident. It was just the same… no, not just the same. When she concentrated, Hina realized there was more than just the blackness. She could hear a distant car, and feel the bedsheets underneath her. More importantly, Kimmie was there with her. Hina could hear her breathing and feel her movements through the bed, but more than that, she simply had a sense, a certainty, that she wasn’t alone. Kimmie was there.
Hina let out a loud gasp as she felt a fingertip trace a line down her arm, the sensation piercing through the blackness. Now that she couldn’t see, it was like the feeling was magnified tenfold. The simple touch of a fingertip felt electric. Hina would have shivered, if she could. She’d worn a blindfold before, for kink, but her complete immobility was making this even more intense. Along with everything else she was feeling, it was almost overwhelming, and Kimmie had barely touched her.
“Intense, isn’t it? Not knowing where I might touch you next.” In the darkness, Kimmie’s voice sounded like it was coming from everywhere, but Hina could still hear the amusement in her domme’s voice.
The next touch was just as gentle, stroking down along her opposite thigh, tracing the curve of her hips. It sent pleasurable ripples through Hina, her rising neediness drinking in everything her domme’s touch had to offer. Kimmie touched her again and again, always lightly, always gently, on her arm, her midriff, her collar, her cheek. Each touch was so powerful it left her breathless. Hina felt her mind growing quiet as she found herself hyperfocusing, every part of her body poised to anticipate where she might feel Kimmie’s fingertips next.
“You make such a fun toy like this,” Kimmie crooned. “So helpless. I can just touch you here, there, wherever I want, and I get to see how you react. You can’t really react, of course, but I can still see it in your eyes.
Hina just whimpered. She hated how much she loved how easy it was Kimmie to make her melt.
“Do you want more? Less? Do you want me to touch you… here?” Kimmie asked, her hand circling down towards between Hina’s legs before she lifted it away. “It doesn’t matter. It’s not up to you. Do you understand?”
“Y-yes m-mistress,” Hina moaned, struggling to suppress all the shamelessly lewd sounds that were trying so hard to escape from her lips.
“Good. But don’t hold back on me, pet. Don’t hold anything back. I want to hear all the pretty noises you can make for me.”
Kimmie kept touching Hina, over and over again. Sometimes quickly, sometimes for longer. Sometimes innocently, sometimes in more intimate places. All her touches made Hina whimper with need. Each touch felt more intense than the last, but each one was so tortuously gentle. She wanted to beg for Kimmie to touch her deeper and harder, to use her body the way she sometimes did. But she knew she wouldn’t. That wasn’t what today was about. Even so, she wanted more. She wanted to truly lose herself in the way Kimmie was touching her body. She could hear Kimmie making little giggles and noises of approval at her every whimper and moan, and the more her mistress touched her, the more Hina felt as though she could imagine her domme looming over her, smiling down at her benevolently as she enjoyed her body. The image was strong enough to cut through the dark, and make her feel safe.
“Good girl,” Kimmie kept whispering to her, making Hina’s heart burst with happiness. “Good girl, good girl, good girl.”
Hina was finally starting to feel calm again. She felt like she could stay like that forever, wrapped up in Kimmie’s praise and her touch. It was incredible. She felt so loved. So safe. She no longer felt panicky, or lost and alone in the darkness. She wasn’t alone. The darkness was safe and cozy and full of her and Kimmie’s love. Her whole body was responding now, wherever Kimmie touched her. Her highly-attuned sensory circuits were humming with warmth and heat, and her body was tingling with pleasure as they accurately mimicked all the tell-tale signs of arousal that an organic body would have. Hina couldn’t protest, couldn’t resist, couldn’t do anything to satisfy her own urges. She had no choice but to lie there and bathe in it, both the torture of it and the pleasure of it. But she knew it wasn’t going to last forever, and knowledge was a constant little knot of anxiety in her stomach.
“My pretty girl,” Kimmie whispered to her. Her every word of praise felt like a loving embrace. “So brave. You’re doing so well for me. But we need to go to the next stage now. Is that OK?”
Hina badly wanted to say ‘no’. She knew how scary it was going to be. But she wanted to be brave for her mistress too, and so she said, in a small voice: “Yes, mistress.”
“Good girl.” Kimmie stopped caressing Hina’s body, and instead gave her hand a firm squeeze as if trying to lend Hina all her strength. Hina instinctively tried to squeeze back as hard as she could, even though she couldn’t. Eventually though, Kimmie pulled her hand away, and Hina heard typing. “OK then. Here we go.”
Hina heard more typing, and then a loud, decisive tap. That was the last thing she heard. A fraction of a second later, all sound disappeared from her world, and in addition to the perfect darkness, she was plunged into perfect silence. Hina had only experienced such a complete absence of sound once before: the accident. It was disturbingly familiar. Normally, even at the quietest time, it was impossible not the hearing something: the hum of electronics, the birds outside, a distant car, someone moving about in the next room. But not now. Kimmie had disengaged her ability to process or register auditory input. Hina couldn’t hear anything at all. She was completely incapable of it. Without sight, without sound, without movement, everything was still. Too still. As still as the grave. In her cybernetic body, Hina didn’t even have the sensation of her own heartbeat to remind her she was alive. Was she alive? The question seemed silly, but she couldn’t dismiss it. It was what she’d asked herself back then, after it had happened. She’d been so confused, so lost, drifting in nothingness with no idea what had happened to her. Hina felt just as lost now. She was losing herself. She was starting to panic. Her mind was starting to curl up into itself, into a tight little ball of panicked numbess, cringing in anticipation of the pain. There had been so much pain, before. Hina tried to tell herself that this was different, but her insistence felt weak and hollow compared to the all-encompassing nothingness that filled her and surrounded her. She had nothing to hold on to.
No, that wasn’t true. She had something. She had Kimmie. Kimmie was beside her, watching over her carefully. Kimmie wouldn’t let anything bad happen to her. Hina’s trust in her mistress was absolute. Two parts of her went to war with each other. She was fighting as hard as she could to trust in Kimmie the way she knew she should, but it was just so hard when darkness was all she could see, all she could hear. She considered safewording. The idea that she could end this right now was so incredibly tempting, and she knew that Kimmie would give her all the love and affirmation and aftercare she could ever need. But Hina couldn’t bring herself to do it. It felt too much like giving up, and she wanted her mistress to be proud of her.
So instead, Hina focused as hard as she could. First, she tried to find something to anchor herself with. She realized that even though it was hardly noticeable, she could feel the warm, soft bedsheets beneath her. She was at home. She was in bed. She was safe. She realized she could taste and smell the air. The scent of it was the familiar mix of her and Kimmie’s scents. Kimmie was with her. Hina’s mistress was by her side. Hina focused on Kimmie as hard as she could, trying to recapture what she’d felt earlier: the simple, visceral sense of her girlfriend’s presence. Bit by bit, fighting against the darkness, she managed to find that feeling again. It felt like a warm glow, the only thing warm enough to penetrate the dark place she was trapped in. Once she caught even the tiniest glimmer of it, Hina hugged it to herself as tight as she could, nurturing it with wishes and happy memories. Kimmie was with her.
Hina gasped when she felt Kimmie’s hand rest on her shoulder. Without even the smallest sound of movement to accompany it, the touch was even more surprising. It sent what felt like a little, pleasant electric shock across Hina’s skin, warming her. The touch wasn’t suggestive or teasing this time, merely comforting. Hina was incredibly grateful for it. With Kimmie’s skin on hers, there was no way for her mind to play tricks on her. She wasn’t alone. Hina was amazed that something as simple as a loving hand on her shoulder was enough to banish all her doubts and all her fear, but it was.
Still, though, she felt like crying when Kimmie took her hand away, even for a moment. The instant the contact was broken, she felt suddenly adrift, facing the threat of falling back into panic. Fortunately, it was only a moment. When Kimmie touched her again, it was at her wrist, and Hina felt her arm being lifted up. She was confused, but her confusion was answered when she felt the bed sag next to her as Kimmie moved closer to her, settling her body against Hina’s. The feeling of Kimmie pressing herself against her as much as possible was the warmest thing Hina had ever felt. Once Kimmie was settled into a comfortable position, she lowered Hina’s arm again, and Hina felt her hand settle around on Kimmie’s shoulder as Kimmie rested her head on Hina’s chest. They were cuddling.
Hina had no sense of how time was passing, but it felt like she was cuddling with Kimmie forever. Without sound or light, Kimmie’s body snuggling against hers was all she had. It was so intense. Hina was struggling to understand how she felt. She was in the void, surrounded by nothingness, the same nothingness that had haunted her every night for so long, but… she wasn’t alone. She could never be alone. Her girlfriend would always be there for her. She never doubted that, but she’d never felt more affirmed and confident in it than in that moment. Kimmie kept shifting around a little bit, and squeezing Hina just a little bit tighter. The pressure was so comfortable and familiar. So grounding. It was just like all the countless other times they’d cuddled up on the bed together. Hina could almost pretend she wasn’t staring into pure blackness, teetering on the edge of absolute panic.
After a time, Hina felt Kimmie stir next to her. Her girlfriend slowly reached up her firm, cybernetic body and deliberately tapped her on the chin, three times. Hina had become so absorbed in what she was experiencing that it took her a moment to remember what that meant. Once she did, she was filled with dread. It was the signal they’d agreed on for when it was time to go to the very last stage. She was going to lose everything. Even Kimmie. Hina wanted to safeword. She wanted so badly for it not to happen. Just thinking about it made her feel like a pack of wolves was closing in on her from all sides. It felt like torture that she had the power to bring it to an end with a single thought, even though she knew she shouldn’t. It was tempting, but it wasn’t what she really wanted. She couldn’t keep being scared. She needed to move forward. She could tell that Kimmie was waiting patiently for her to safeword, if she needed to, giving her plenty of time to decide. Hina had decided, but she didn’t like it. She kept hoping that Kimmie would just wait forever, and never leave her alone.
But that was impossible, she knew, and sure enough, eventually Kimmie pulled away from her. Hina knew she was still close, sitting next to her on the bed with her laptop, but the moment the contact between them was broken, it felt to her like a huge chasm had opened up between them. She felt so alone. All she could do was focus as hard as she could on the small things that reminded her she was safe: the way the bed underneath her shifted slightly as Kimmie moved, and her girlfriend’s sweet scent, still clinging to her body. Those traces felt so faint compared to the fast-fading memory of Kimmie cuddling into her, but it was enough, barely. But then, even that disappeared.
Kimmie must have activated the last stage of their planned scene progression. That was Hina’s last rational thought before pure, blind panic started tearing at her mind. Everything was gone. Kimmie had shut down the last of her senses, effectively completely disabling her body and her means of accessing any information about the outside world. She was just a mind, operating off a brain that was half a computer. Not only was she unable to see, hear or move, she couldn’t feel, or smell, or taste. There was nothing. She had nothing. Nothing to hold on to. Nothing to remind her that she was even alive.
Was she alive? That was the question she’d asked herself over and over and over again, during the accident. That moment had been just like this—the same feeling of utter disembodiment and powerlessness. Those two moments seemed to connect so perfectly that everything in between starting to distort and fade from her memory. Had any of it been real? Had it just been a kind of dream? One last happy, false memory before the end? It felt that way to Hina, even though she knew it wasn’t true. What was true didn’t matter anymore. She was too scared to care. Futilely, she tried to run through all the ways of calming herself down that her therapist had taught her. They weren’t helping. She had nothing. She was nothing. She was alone, and the nothingness was all around her. She could feel the nothingness closing in on her oppressively, constricting her, not giving her any space to think.
Was it always going to be this way? Hina knew she could still stop everything if she sent the mental safeword to Kimmie’s computer, but that felt like a small comfort. It wouldn’t really end, would it? She’d be plunged back into this awful abyss every time she closer her eyes. Every time she had a nightmare. Every time something startled her too badly. She couldn’t run from it. There was nothing to run away from. Her trauma was part of her. She knew that, and she hated it. What else was there? Nothing helped. Medication didn’t help, therapy didn’t help. What if this didn’t help either? Did that leave her with anything else besides giving in?
But what would Kimmie think of that? Hina knew Kimmie would never let her give up. She didn’t want to give up, not when she had Kimmie at her side. That thought helped Hina remember where she really was. She was at home, lying on her bed, and her girlfriend was sitting there right beside her. Maybe Kimmie was even cuddling up to her, like before. That was a nice thought, even though Hina couldn’t feel anything and had no way of knowing if it was true or not. She had no way of knowing anything that was going on around her. Maybe Kimmie had even left… no, she didn’t believe that for a moment. Kimmie, her mistress, would never leave her. As she thought about that, she started to notice something. Despite the bleak nothingness closing in on her, she could sense just a little of something else—a tiny glimmer of warmth. She knew it had to be illusory, but it felt real, and that was all that mattered to Hina.
Hina was shocked by how much even that tiny glimmer calmed her. It was like she had a little flame in the darkness, keeping her light and warm. She didn’t feel so alone anymore. All she had to do was keep the fire going. Hina imagined herself holding it in cupped hands and nurturing it with her breath. She made sure to focus on taking nice, deep breaths, and imagined the flame rising steadily in response to each one. A fire needed fuel too, so Hina imagined herself breathing out all her happy memories of Kimmie, feeding them to the fire to help it grow. It was working. She could feel herself growing warmer, and becoming safer. She and Kimmie had so many happy memories together for her to offer. Hina kept breathing, kept focusing on each happy memory, one after next, and managed to build herself a little bubble of warmth, insulating her, keeping the nothingness at bay. She imagined herself curling up around it, keeping it close to her body. She was safe. Kimmie was here.
She was almost surprised when, without any warning, her sense were returned to her. It was gradual, everything seeming dim at first and only slowly returning to its usual intensity, but it was still overwhelming in contrast to the darkness she’d become so used to. Hina instinctively held up her hand to shield against the bright lights, and realized she could move again. Her whole body was humming as her systems warmed up and came back online. Blearily, Hina turned her head to one side, to see Kimmie looking at her with huge, worried eyes.
“Hey mistress,” Hina said weakly.
Kimmie responded by throwing herself at Hina, wrapping her hands around Hina’s neck. Hina was glad that she could finally hug Kimmie back just as hard.
“Was that too long?” Kimmie asked tearfully. “I bet that was too long. I’m sorry, I know we talked about it, but I should have—”
“It was fine,” Hina soothed, also barely holding back tears. “It was… good.”
“Yeah,” Hina affirmed, feeling calmer than she had done in a long time. “Because… you’re here.”* * *