Passing Thoughts
It wasn’t intentional. Neither plan nor even the shadow of a purpose. We caught each other’s eye and knew something would happen. But what? Who knew? Of course, in hindsight it was easy to see how from one innocent meeting the evening slowly built up to it all and I could tell you. Could take the suspense out of it, let you peek behind the curtain and we would be done in a few sentences. Well, probably anyway. When you play with hypnosis you have some incredibly fun times but it doesn’t take long before you notice the most fun one’s tend to be a bit blurred around the edges. And goodness, this was one of the fun one’s. I wouldn’t put it past my friends that they invited each of us for this. For a chance to set up a magnet and a wire and watch what would happen. Don’t ask me which of the two I was that evening, I wouldn’t be confident about the answer myself.
I never learned her name. My friends just briefly mentioned how she had insisted on following another guest so they could drink and she could drive. But that didn’t explain the smirk and I had a hunch there was more to it. Not like I cared. Not at that point. The night was young and unlike most of the guests I already knew that the couch would be where I crashed before anyone ever decided that tonight would entail drinks, let alone visitors. Yeah, maybe I stayed the nights at this place rather than my own far too often. But honestly, who cared? It was fun for them and cozy for me and that seemed reason enough to celebrate time with friends. Which they liked to do a lot so I had gotten pretty used to seeing the occasional unfamiliar face mingle with everyone. Some of them often enough to figure out my friends had a crush, others only as the strict chaperone bringing the drunkards back home after excessively long nights. She seemed to fit neither of the two types, but then again, what did I know?
...One thing actually. How her deep green eyes went wide when something deeply intrigued her. How a sneaky twitch around her pink lips would give away when she got excited. Before a hand would cover it up until she got herself back under control. It intrigued me and before either of us knew it my eyes would sometimes seek her out. Only half listening to the noise of others around us while being far more interested in her reactions to it. Sometimes, for just a second, I thought she looked back. But if she did the moments passed too quick for either of us to do anything about it.
Still, there was something in the air. And it wouldn’t take much to set it off.
One look, in fact. When everyone sat around the dining table, laughing about a joke born from alcohol and the social bubble of kindred spirits. It didn’t matter to me what the group was going on about, to be honest. Watching her twirl a lock of long auburn hair around her finger while looking anywhere besides my half of the room was far more enticing. Was it rude to stare? Sure was, but as soon as I looked away I felt the prickling sensation of a pair of green eyes on me. Turnabout was fair play, as they said, and two could play this game. A bit too well maybe, or else perhaps I could tell you what sort of twisted flow of conversation caused one of the guys to blurt out far louder than necessary: “Hypnosis? What a load of bullshit. I’m not drunk enough to start believing in that yet. Honestly, show me one example of it working and I’ll reconsider. Maybe. But really? “Watch the pretty coin of gold” and just like that people start doing as they are told? What a joke!” He laughed, a couple frowned, some others cheered—but she just froze. There was so much happening. The sudden halt as she heard that word. The bright red tint of her cheeks as she tried to keep a straight face. The finger that still hovered in the air, almost forgotten because playing with that strand of hair was the furthest thing from her mind right now. The way her mouth opened in pure surprise, not sure how to best downplay her reaction—and the sudden recognition on her face as our eyes met and we could tell that in this moment, like two sides of a spinning golden coin, we mirrored each others reaction each in our own way.
“It isn’t about the coin,” my mouth moved before my brain. The words came out soft, almost like they wanted to go unnoticed. However, the room fell silent. When had it gone so still? “It’s never about the coin.” It was odd feeling myself shift. Odd but oh so good. The fuse was lit, the spark fanned into a cackling flame and I could tell that she noticed. She blinked. Once. Twice. And slowly, ever so slowly, her hand came down while she just looked at me. “We like the rhyme. The pattern. The simplicity of it all. Brains are complex things. Some say the most complex thing nature produced. Smart things too. Capable of so very much every single day. But we don’t want that, do we?” I might as well have said her name instead. Each word was aimed at her and she knew it as well as I did. From my corner of the room I let the words flow. Was it in hopes that even now, someone might bring back the noise? It could end here. We could laugh about it and call it a joke. But everybody held their breath as I stood in my corner and spun the thought for them: “Brains don’t want to be complex. They are good at it and they do it when they have to, easily and effortlessly. But it’s tiring and they yearn for a break. A chance to break. They want to watch something that can grab their attention and follow without having to second-guess it all.” Her breath flowed out with a shiver as she allowed herself to relax. Without thinking about it I leaned forward, standing tall where she grew slack as our eyes remained locked on each other. “It’s not about the coin,” the words flowed faster than a plan could be made, “it could be anything. A pendant. A gem stone. A flickering flame so close to being blown out as it burns all the way down.” As I moved my head from side to side, almost in disbelief her eyes grew even wider when she mirrored the motion. Back. And forth. “It could be someone’s gaze.” She mirrored my nod too—or was I matching hers? It seemed faster. Easier. More desired.
“We love the simplicity of switching off our busy smart brains for a while. It’s relaxing and that in itself is alluring.” It seemed surreal and yet like a palpable link between us when I rose up and like a puppet on invisible strings she copied the motion, swaying slightly on her feet. Her hands dangling to the side as they had nothing to do. No instructions to follow. Gosh, I could lose myself in those eyes, wide and open and caught in my gaze as I continued: “And as we focus on whatever we trust to lead us into trance, that allure takes the reigns.” I will never fully be able to pinpoint what drove me to lift up my arm. Perhaps a soft spot for the dramatic. Perhaps just an impulse I didn’t catch in time. Perhaps even it was simply the heat of pure desire to top and lead that made me reach out as I watched her own arms follow the gesture, letting them float in front of her. A simple wave was all it took, fingers curling to beckon her closer and she took a wobbly step towards me. I matched her pace, warmly talking: “It’s all about fascination, in the end. A fascination with trance perhaps or even with the sound of someone’s voice. With surrender or the simple desire to go blank while someone else handles decisions so we don’t have to.” Another wave, another wobbly step. She shivered all over, her lips parting as she couldn’t remember to close her mouth. Blinking slower and slower as through glassy eyes she gave me a look that could melt stone.
“We watch the pretty coin of gold not because there is a special trick to it. We allow it to ensnare us because sometimes, in some places...”, my eyes held hers when she blushed furiously the moment her hazy brain predicted my next words, “We want to do as we are told.” And even though the room was dimly lit at best from moody party lights she stood close enough that I could tell the involuntary smile that flickered over her face.
“Bullsh—”, the guy from before chimed in but I wasn’t talking to him. “It’s feels good to do as we’re told”, without as much as turning my head my hand gestured at him to zip it. A few sharp breaths from the room around us and excited murmur were the only reaction. He kept his mouth shut.
“Because when we don’t think and simply lose ourselves in the allure of trance”, one more time I beckoned her closer, one more time she stepped towards me like a dazed, smiling sleep walker as her eyes fluttered but never left mine, “it is easy to find our place and delve into that comfort for a while.” Standing up close I had to turn my head to look up into her eyes. And yet the words made her mewl. It gave me goosebumps how faint the sound was. Did anyone else hear it? Screw that, I didn’t hear the others even so who cared? This was our moment and the room was far too far away from any of our minds as I caught her attention with my hand. Gestured as if hooking my finger into something. And slowly pulled down.
By the time her knees rested on the ground I could see her trying to lower her head or look to the side whenever I even considered letting her slip from my gaze. “Sometimes that trance doesn’t even need to be deep”, I smiled knowingly, “because depth is as much of an illusion as thinking can be. An illusion we enjoy leaning into at times, and one that is best to let go at others.” She knew that I was fully aware. We both enjoyed the rules of our game—and we enjoyed dancing around them in our own way. I wanted to touch. Oh goodness, did I ever. Every fiber in my arms wanted to gently caress that jaw and hold her attention where I wanted it. But my hands stayed where they were, beckoning for sure but merely directing with gestures. She would have to invite more. But she was far too lost in trance to do so. The anticipation getting to both of us and spurring us on in ways we didn’t expect. There was no pretense, no excuse. I wanted to melt her mind into a hazy submissive puddle for the sheer high of top energy that would pulse through me. And she could read that desire in me like in an open book. In the pauses between my words I caught the sparkle in her eyes when she predicted what I would do next. She knew this game, perhaps better than me, and she fully allowed me to play it. Because it was just as obvious that she yearned to be hypnotized. It didn’t matter if she went deep or not. In this moment there was no difference because both of us were fully jumping into the pull of hypnotic pleasure.
“Our minds are fragile things in all of their wonder and complexity.” With but a gesture I moved her hands above her head, wrists locked tighter through my will than any chain could have done it. “Easily influenced under the right conditions, even if otherwise”, I motioned as if fixating her arms in place, “firm and hard and motionless like steel.” Her own reaction surprised her. Eyes that already had been droopy and close to falling shut once more went wide as she wiggled but could not move her arms any further than if I had been forcibly holding them in place. Excitement as the unspoken question appeared on her face what else I could do. What else I was going to do if she let me. A giddy smile that neither of us would ever fully believe to be a conscious action as with a sigh she leaned into that feeling of helplessly getting toyed with.
“So happy to break and let go.” I snapped. Literally and figuratively. Her body melted into a limp pile as she sagged forward. With held breath I realized a half second too late that I’d launched forward myself, ready to catch her if she fell. Hands hovering in place, prepared to catch her if needed but refusing to touch as one deep breath after the next calmed me and convinced me she was fine. Slouched over, limp and a picture of vulnerable submission. But fine.
“And while the coin may be little more than a passing thought, the words stay with us. Why is that? Because of the pleasure? Because of the relief of finally being in a place meant for that weary tired head?” I slowly stood back up, still focused on her every reaction. “Perhaps it is a mix of both or perhaps a reason known only to ourselves deep, deep down. What matters is just that hypnosis is something natural and something fun to each in their own way. Because among all the passing thoughts that drift through a brain throughout the day, I find that this one can sometimes lift me up, up, up when I found myself on the ground.”
To call the expression on her face furious blush would never do it justice. She took my offered hand to pull herself back up onto her feet. Once again dwarfing me before she returned to her seat. Silence filled the room as only one by one I remembered that people were present. Some gawking, some having far away looks on their face as if no longer fully here. And one with wide eyes, his mouth firmly shut as he shuddered before slowly daring to move once again. It took him a few tries before being confident enough to stammer: “Yeah, uh… right. What a joke. Real funny...” Other voices chimed in and the room began to fill with chit chat once again. But as I retreated back into my corner I heard the occasional whisper about what happened and felt the prickling stare of green eyes on me. Something told me this evening would remain a memorable one for a long time to come.
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