Dick Picture Perfect
By Redsliver
Chapter 22
* * *We arrived at The Princess Margaret in good spirits, though you couldn’t tell it from Jess’s frown. I tried nudgings, hip-bumpings, terrible jokes, compliments, everything short of telling her to smile. Everything free. I felt a bit misogynistic to straight up tell a woman to smile. I didn’t want to be that kind of guy.
“That’s a lot of you.” Philia exploded into cheer to see me. She looked over the group. “I don’t think we have enough tables in any one section to accomodate you. Can you wait? Fifteen, maybe twenty minutes?”
She was so worried. I was just glad she didn’t rush to kick people out.
“Yeah, plus, uh, we’re meeting some more people, and—”
“Yeah, they called ahead, Phee,” Adelaide said, as she walked over. I took her hand and kissed her. “It’ll be like two minutes. Busboys are on it.”
“That’s why you’re the best,” I said, with a smile. I sent her back to work with a pat on the bum. “I’m going to drain the lizard. Save me a seat.”
“You need help aiming?” Sherry asked with a broad grin.
“No, I know the staff here, they got this if he goes rogue.” I grinned and grabbed my cock in Sherry’s general direction. She laughed. Philia left miserable. I shook my head. I wasn’t going to pee everywhere, that’s fucking gross. They either get the jokes or they don’t, not my problem if other people don’t have senses of humor.
I washed my hands and came back to find Adelaide at the server’s station trading out her tablet for one with a fresher battery. I put my hands on her hips and my chin on her shoulder.
“Hey babe,” she said. “They’re all in the back half.”
“You’re our waitress?” I asked.
“Who else?” She touched my jaw and kissed me. “Now go on. I’ll bring you drinks.”
“What did I do to deserve you?”
“Couldn’t tell you,” she said with a sad smile.
“Love you babe,” I kissed her again. She blushed red and her eyes were wide. I didn’t hear the words back. I was a little hurt by that.
It was just my girls sitting at this point. I dropped down next to Jess on the bench against the back wall. I picked her up by her hips, wormed my ass across the cushions and dropped her down on my left.
“Hey sailor,” Sherry elbowed me. “Adelaide came for drinks and she already knew what you liked. How long have you been together? Two weeks?”
“Give or take,” I said, with a grin.
“Well, black magic. Always the best dating strategy,” she said with a grin.
“Always bet on black,” I agreed, pulling her to my hip while kissing and nipping aggressively at her throat and neck. She giggled and cheered. Jess leaned in and pulled my sleeve.
“What?” I pulled away from Sherry. Jess shrank back.
“The staff saw you kiss Adelaide on the way in and then with Sherry. I think some guy went to tell on you.”
“Yeah, and you think Adelaide’s going to be jealous?” I asked, incredulously.
“Of course she will be,” Talsy scoffed. “I’m fucking on fire for watching both her and Sher. And I’m the cool calm one.”
We all looked at her flatly.
“What?” she asked. “It’s a comparative thing.”
“Sherry’s the cool calm one,” I said. They all looked at me flatly. Sherry crossed her arms and smirked. I raised an eyebrow and asked: “What?”
“I’m just proud of how well I keep the crazy away from you and on them,” Sherry said.
“It’s a good strategy,” Raylea said. She shot out of her seat and waved both hands towards the door. “Felix! Ike! He-ey!”
Shit. Ike too. Adelaide hurried over with a tray of beers and blocked my view of the door with her magnificent tits. It was worth the few extra moments of sanity.
“Oh my god, you’re gorgeous,” I said. She handed me my beer.
“Thank you,” she said, with a smile. She looked around the table. “Uh—Help me remember who had each drink. P-please?”
“You got mine right.” Sherry leaned back and accepted her whiskey sour. “Roofies go to Talsy. She needs to keep it cool and calm.”
“Don’t j-joke about that kind of thing in the restaurant, uh, please,” Adelaide frowned.
“Agreed,” I nodded. “Talsy always starts with the Guinness. Raylea has whatever you recommended. No idea what Nisha drinks. And Jess?”
“White wine,” she nodded. Accepting the glass. Nisha was given a pair of shooters. She slid one in front of me. I smirked, we clinked, and threw them back.
“Whatever that was it was candy,” I said.
“Well, I’m glad you’re enjoying yourself,” Ike sneered and pulled the seat out across from me. He plopped down. “Hey, Adelaide. He’s not been good to you.”
“Oh, uh, yeah, I’ve been t-told by Mic—Mic—the other waiter already,” Adelaide nodded. “You two want drinks?”
“Keith’s,” Felix and Ike said at once. Felix pulled a chair to sit between Talsy and Raylea. Adelaide gave me a little finger wave and headed over to the bar.
“So,” I delayed. What the fuck was I going to say? ‘I’m going to keep fucking your girlfriend. Please stop trying to watch.’ Why did you bring Ike here for this conversation? Why did I bring the harem? This should be me Raylea and Felix. Why am I an idiot?
I squeezed Sherry’s fingers as she squared my thigh. Jess put her empty wine glass back onto the table.
“What the fuck man,” Ike’s phone spun across the table and stopped before me. There was a picture of Celeste naked, a big fucking sword to her throat, and my cock clearly shoved up inside her.
“What?” I recoiled. “Jesus. Who the fuck sent you this?”
“That’s your response?” Ike growled. “Dude, I fucking liked her.”
“What’s the problem,” Sherry said, and picked up the phone. “It’s not like you can call dibs or something. It’s a fucking woman. We make decisions.”
“Ish…” Nisha frowned.
“Not anymore,” Jess said, morosely.
“What the fuck!” Ike shot eyes around the table.
“Oh, dude,” I said. “You don’t know what’s going on?”
“I know you flashed your dick around to everyone and somehow it was the right play,” Felix said.
“Yeah, dick pics should be like relationship coffin nails,” Ike said. I had never seen such a hurt and angry scowl on his face. I felt bad. But... I mean... Celeste wasn’t Raylea. He was what? One date in? He’d have to get over it. “And somehow you’ve still got classy girls like Adelaide and Jess hanging around Talsy and the whores.”
“Damn, that’s a great band name,” Sherry giggled. Raylea glared at Ike. Nisha shoved her tits out further.
“You have no musical talent,” I said to Sherry.
“Do you want a band?” Nisha asked. “I play guitar, bass, harp, violin, basically anything with strings.”
“Really? That’s awesome—”
“Motherfucker!” Ike let out a heavy breath and sunk back in his chair. “Dude. Dude.”
“Right,” I said. I took a big mouthful of my beer to buy myself a moment to think. Nisha and Talsy went into their phones. Sherry kept her fingers on my shoulder or thigh or anywhere supportive. Jess and Raylea sat up straight, ladylike. Jess was off somewhere in her mind. Raylea was paying rapt attention. I put down my glass. “What can I do about it?”
“You can break up with her,” Ike said. “I had a real fucking shot.”
“Did you?”
“I hadn’t had a first date that good in my life,” Ike said.
“Yeah you’re a killing-it-on-fourth-impressions kinda guy,” Raylea agreed.
“Thanks,” he grumbled at Raylea. “Look, Celeste and I just clicked.”
“She said you were OK, and worth a second date,” Adelaide said. Ike twisted to see her as she put his glass down in front of him. “Uh…”
“OK. Fuck.” Ike said.
“She’s, uh, coming by,” Adelaide said. “App-puh-parently, Mich—uh, the other waiter called her. I didn’t even know th-they knew each other.”
“Did he ever ask you out?” I said, referring to her co-worker.
“A f-few times,” Adelaide nodded. “I don’t really l-like tattoos and uh—rough guys anymore.”
“Celeste is the next best thing,” I shrugged. I looked around her for the other waiter. I had an image of a mostly clean cut fit guy. Whatever.
Adelaide frowned at me. “No one would pick Celeste if you said yes.” I covered my ass.
“Except…” She shook her head remembering that old story of her high school boyfriend and Celeste becoming a sex slave. Then she looked me dead in the face. “That’s not how things go for me.”
“It is now,” I said. “Cause, I got you.”
“Great!” Ike said. “There you go. Cut Celeste loose. You’ve got the sister.”
I looked at Ike. ‘No.’ My brain told me over and over again. Adelaide was amazing and Celeste wasn’t worse. Celeste was younger, more aggressive, and fun to push. I tilted my head. I gave a half nod. Wasn’t really committed. Felix narrowed his eyes but Ike let out a huge relieved breath. Adelaide and Jess looked at me with an inferno of heat and love. I couldn’t help but smile.
“Is that a real sword?” Felix asked.
“Yeah, one of the other girls, Lidie, is a total dork,” I said.
“And she cooks,” Talsy smirked, looking up for only a moment.
“Oh, shit,” Nisha said.
“What?” I asked.
“Nothing, just, uh, softball stuff,” she said.
“Oh, cool,” I wrote that off. “Anyway. Felix. You wanna grab a more private table?”
“That would be smarter, probably.” He agreed.
“Ike, hold down the fort,” I said. Jess got up for me and I slid out.
“It’s ‘hold the fort’, idiot.”
“Nope, someone filled my bouncy castle with helium. Your job is to keep it out of low earth orbit.”
“I could put booster rockets on it. Go through and beyond the Van Allen Belt,” Ike shook his head when he realized we were riffing off of each other like normal. “Fuck off. Go settle up with Felix.”
“Hey, Addie,” I caught my girlfriend’s elbow as I left the table. I spoke in a whisper. “Philia’s working, right? She’s, well,” I looked at Felix. “currency.”
“Um,” Adelaide frowned. “Front section tables. By the window.”
“You’re the best,” I gave her a quick kiss. Felix emptied his beer. Ike reached across the table and emptied mine. I shrugged. Raylea started to stand. I waved her down. Felix’s teeth ground for all to hear.
“He’s right.” Felix said, squatting down to look Raylea in the eye. “Let’s talk first.”
“You sure. Don’t hurt each other.” Raylea said.
“Pfft!” Sherry blew her lips and rolled her eyes. “They’re big boys. Maybe when they come back they’ll be adults.”
I flipped her the bird and left with a smile. I crossed the restaurant and took a seat with my back to the outside window. Philia caught my eyes and zoomed across the restaurant to serve me. She nearly collided with Felix.
“Oh sorry!” she murmured and zigzagged around him as he tried to maneuver around her ass. Which he checked out, good. Yeah, this was beginning to feel like a real plan in my head.
“Philia, let the man take his seat,” I said firmly. She stopped dead. She turned. Felix gave her a momentary smile. She muttered an apology and stepped back. “Good.”
“Do you guys want drinks? I thought you were in Adelaide’s section and—”
We both looked at her and interrupted with one word: “Keith’s.”
“At least that part of it is easy,” I said.
“Dude,” Felix said, “I don’t know why your magic dick has turned the world on its head. But it has.”
“Yeah,” I agreed. “How come I never knew about Raylea before?”
“She figured you’d get clingy,” Felix said. “Honestly, I thought I could trust you and Ike.”
“Of course you can,” I said.
“The fuck I can,” he shook his head.
“What do you mean? I figure I may be a prick but I’m a consistent prick,” I said. “And while ‘magic penis’ is a surprise, have I been surprising?”
“Shit,” Felix laughed weakly. “Jesus Christ, man. Jesus fucking Christ.”
Philia showed up with our beers. I said nothing more than “Keep ’em coming.” to her and she was off and out of our hair in an instant.
“She’s hot right?” I asked Felix.
“She’s nice,” he nodded. “Redheads, curvy, can’t go wrong.”
“And knows how to leave and shut up,” I smirked. He looked at me with impatience. “Right, Raylea. I’ve been a prick.”
“Yeah,” he agreed.
“I just can’t imagine wanting someone else to fuck my girl.”
“It’s not that.” Felix said.
“What the fuck is it?”
“Remember the girls I dated in high school?”
“It took you what? Four girls to have fucked a full metric ton of chicks.”
“It wasn’t a metric ton.”
“Dude.”
“Well, the joke’s not cool,” he scoffed. But he laughed. He shook his head. “I liked all of those girls, man.”
“Yeah, why not? You were getting laid. I wasn’t.”
“That’s never been the competition.” He said. He looked over his shoulder. It was a busy restaurant and the big table was around the bar and in the corner. He turned back, unable to catch a glimpse of anyone. “It never has been the competition.”
“Yeah,” I laughed. “And think, all that anti-woman pick-up artist shit you and Ike used to buy into.”
“Clean up? Treat yourself like more than a doormat? Leave something to the imagination? Terrible misogynistic advice.”
“Not advice you took, is it?”
“What?”
“The doormat bit,” I said.
“Right,” Felix took a breath. “In high school, I dated big girls and ugly, plainish, girls. Nice girls. Great girls, really.”
“Great meaning large or immense! We use it in the majority sense!” I chanted.
“Right, I guess all of that teasing when I was fifteen through seventeen really got to me. You, Ike, the rest of the pieces of shit.” I raised my glass to his categorization and put it down empty. “The harassment, the teasing. Plus I really wanted to fuck hot chicks. I decided to turn it all around in college.”
“And man did you!” I said.
“But they sucked! Raylea’s the first pretty girl I liked.” Felix sighed. “Hot chick.”
“OK… Thanks Phee.” I smiled as Philia switched out my glass for a full one.
“Right, so I have this amazing beautiful girl, and totally fucked up brain,”
“Fucked up in just one way. That’s pretty good, don’tcha think?”
“Thanks,” he sighed. He took a minute to clear his glass and catch up to my second. “So, Ike gets drunk and just goes off one night on how jealous he is to Raylea. She thought it was creepy, but I had to fuck her harder than I ever had in my life. Like all of my hangup bullshit craziness goes right out the window when I know this chick I love is desired for all the right reasons. No. All the shallow reasons too.”
“If you just wanted us to go off about how hot your girl is,” I shrugged. “I’d probably have still felt weird. I like her too much to talk about her tits and ass.”
“Yeah…” Felix said. “So that’s it. I pushed and pushed and pushed. Raylea went along with it and I think she likes the adventure now. We stuck with Ike or complete strangers. She always had a feeling about you. You had to prove her right.”
“She’s a great judge of character,” I said. I watched Raylea and Talsy walk behind Felix towards the bathroom. Raylea’s curly blonde hair bounced as her mouth started to crinkle into a smile. I smirked and looked back at Felix. “So where do we go? The watching really freaks me out.”
“Well, I’m not interested in sharing her,” he said. “I either do it together with her, or we’re not really together.”
“Hey, thanks. Wait!” I stopped Philia as she appeared with our third beers. The last drop of my second glass had just hit my tongue. “Philia, this is Felix.”
“Hi,” Felix said dismissively. “Dude, you gotta pull back or ease up. Sorry, Philia, we’re in the middle of something big. Maybe hold off on the refills. We need clear heads.”
“Listen, you want in, right Philia?” I ignored Felix.
“More than anything,” she said with a heavy pant.
“You wanted to try some more stuff with Raylea, right?” I said to Felix. “Sherry and Talsy have said things have always misfired when they were involved.”
“Dude, have you been listening? I don’t need another girl. I need to overcome my own shit and this helps,” Felix said. Yet, he couldn’t help but look over Philia. “I’d have to discuss this with Raylea.”
“Her idea, she figures getting things going in on a two-way street will give you a sense of fairness and accomplishment,” I said. “Right? Here, talk to Philia. I gotta crack the seal.”
“Shit,” Felix said. I climbed out of my seat and walked around the deer-in-headlights look on Philia’s face. I adjusted my belt and all but turned to the washrooms. I saw Celeste walking in the front door. I smiled broadly. She was looking at her phone. I almost had to call for her, but she looked up and saw me in time. I grinned, hooked my head, and gestured with a toss of my head towards the washrooms.
It wasn’t a smile, but there was a light in her eyes.
“I’m sure you’re lovely—” I ignored Felix talking awkwardly with Philia and hurried off to pee. There was a lineup to the ladies’ room. Talsy and Raylea were at the back of four. I pushed in the men’s room and stepped out of the way of one exiting dude. It was empty. Celeste came up behind me. She laid a hand on my hip.
“This is so gross,” she said.
“Yeah, but fun!” I smiled and led her into the bathroom. Talsy was watching me. Raylea frowned at Celeste. “You two coming?”
“Try and stop us!” Talsy beamed.
“Sluts.” scoffed one of the other girls in line.
Yeah, but despite Felix and Ike and everything. They were my sluts.
* * *