synopsis: Enough with the same boring tales of handsome princes and damsels in distress! It’s time for fairytales to go kinky, one childhood memory twisted at a time.
Author’s note: I was asked by a patron of mine to consider writing more humorous and kinky variations of fairytales. This version of Alice was born out of my love for screwball comedies. Have fun. You too can have your concepts brought to life if you choose to support my efforts—https://www.patreon.com/sbspellbound. Thanks.
Untold Stories
(By S.B.)
Alice — Part II
.esimorp I ,skool ti sa drah sa ton s’tI .no gniog s’tahw dnatsrednu ot yrt dna pu nehguot ot tub eciohc rehto on evah sklof uoy sseug I os selur eht ekam t’nod I taht dnatsrednu ot deen uoy ,mees yam siht sa drawkwa sA !noitarran eht gnidulcni ,desrever tog gnihtyrevE .deneppah gniht tsegnarts eht ,ssalg-gnikool eht hguorht tnew snoinapmoc reh dna ecilA nehW
.thgir nwo sti ni gniyfirret saw taht dna plup ydoolb gniklaw a naht erom gnihton nees evah dluow tnemom esicerp taht ta reh ta gnikool enoynA .flesti no gnidlof niks lufituaeb reh ,ydob reh fo tuo thgir dellup gnieb erew sliartne reh fi sa tlef ecilA ,sdnoces wef a roF .eno tsrif eht fo ecneuqesnoc tcerid a yldetbuodnu ,emit emas eht ta ecalp koot tneve driew rehtona ,yawynA
This is another message from the Bureau of Fine Literature. While we understand the author’s intention of making a gag with the idea of reverse text and the fact that the heroes of this tale have just crossed into a mirror world, we can not help but emphasize how utterly annoying it would be to have the readers sift through yet another possible seven thousand words of backwards nonsense. As such, for the sake of clarity and everyone’s sanity while we’re at it, we’re putting everything back to normal starting with the next paragraph. We’re also hoping we don’t have to intervene yet again before all this is done but, with the way things are going, we can’t promise anything. Have a good day.
“Damn!” Alice touched her belly. “For a moment, everything was just a mess!”
“Yes,” the Hatter remarked. “We all felt it, too. Definitely a PG-13 moment.”
“Something good came out of it though.”
“What is it, Alice?” The Cheshire Cat jumped between her legs.
“Now I know for sure I’m not pregnant! Hoo-ray!”
“Really?” The Rabbit sat on the ground, head buried in his vest. “Can this day get any worse?”
“You’re just mad the Kweeng confiscated your cell phane,” the caterpillar noted.
“So many hours of entertainment lost...” the rabbit sighed.
Alice closed in on the furry mammal, picked him up by the ears and then slapped him on the fluffy nose.
“About that... what else did you make me do while we were on ‘honeymoon’, huh?” She asked.
“Alice, please! We have way more important things to do right now!”
“Such as...?”
“... figuring out exactly where we are for starters.”
She conceded and tossed him aside, curious eyes roaming the new landscape. Instead of the putrid miasma of the Kweeng’s Wonderland or the monstrosities others had imagined to be true, she saw a rainbow-filled land with mountains stretching across the horizon. The sun was warm on their faces and all other body parts with no menacing clouds in sight or strange voyeuristic creatures chasing them down. To the right, a friendly river wiggled across the land, tickling the grass and inviting all nearby wild life for a drink. Hundreds of fishes swam both in the current and against it, executing breathtaking choreographies worthy of an award or two. From the corner of her eye, she glimpsed a mermaid’s tale but perhaps that’s a clue for yet another adventure and nothing more.
“Wow, it sure is beautiful out here!”
“A heavenly sight for sure. The only thing sticking out like a sore thumb is that!” The Hatter pointed to a spot about fifty feet behind them.
It was the place where are they had come in and indeed there was something off about it. While on Wonderland’s side it was dominated by a six feet tall mirror, there the colorful rectangle was half the size and getting smaller by the second.
“What the puppy? It’s closing!” The cat hurried to smell it.
“FEAR not.” The Kweeng’s voice was heard across the dimensions. “THE magic IN the MIRROR needs TO be REPLENISHED from TIME to TIME so WE’RE powering IT down FOR the MOMENT. Go! SCOUR the LAND and FIND out WHERE that TREACHEROUS Wock HAS been HIDING. We’ll BE waiting FOR your SAFE return!”
“You better...” Alice thought for her wonderful quest was not to end on a suicide mission. The enchanted rectangle continued to shrink until it phased out in a purple puff. “Well, it seems we’re stuck here for a while.”
“Indeed, Alice. So what’s the plan now?” the caterpillar queried.
“Not sure. This is my first big crusade.”
“In that case, may this wise centipede offer a suggestion?”
“Does it involve more drugs?”
“Not now. We should start by looking for a village or any other sign of civilization around here. Not only we’re likely to gather information about the Wock, but we can also get some supplies since we didn’t bring any!”
Alice facepalmed. In her hurry to get things started, she had forgotten the most important thing of all and that oversight would cost more than a few empty stomachs. She squinted, and focused even more on the surrounding terrains. Nothing resembled a human settlement though perhaps there was hope to be had in a small column of smoke down in the distance.
“Chester,” she said using the cat’s preferred nickname. " Do you mind getting to higher ground and checking that spot for me?”
“Who needs ground when one can float?” He replied, inflating his furry body like a balloon. A lulling breeze massaged his underbelly as the temperature began to drop.
“I see what appears to be a group of caravans up ahead surrounding a campfire.”
“How far do you think it is?” The Hatter shouted.
“Hard to tell as the topography is somewhat misleading but if I were to hazard a guess, I would say about ten miles.”
“We better get a move on then.” Alice declared.
“Hmmm.... a little help here,” The White Rabbit said.
“What’s wrong this time?” the latex-clad heroine frowned.
“The March Hare is asleep again and there’s no way I’m carrying his sorry ass ten miles down the road. Explain to me again why we brought him along.”
“Comic relief?” The caterpillar winked.
“As if we need even more of that... it would be nice if he could stay awake for more than a minute at once though.”
“Or if he were a sleepwalker...” The Hatter laughed.
“I have an idea,” Alice said snatching the small pocket watch from the rabbit’s vest.
“Hey, watch it! That’s an old family heirloom you got there.”
“Just relax, Rabbit,” she swung it gently from side to side. He closed his eyes and dashed next to the Hatter.
“Alice, are you about to do what I think you are?” The cat questioned as he deflated next to her.
“Why not? We’re in desperate need of an overt mind control scene so...”
“And are you sure you’re up for the task?”
“No, I’m not, but it doesn’t hurt to try,” she moved next to the March hare and sat on his belly. The sudden pressure crushing his gentle tea-filled body caused him to spit a drizzling fountain between her legs. All wet, Alice smirked.
“I have something for you...”
“Alice? Where are we? Was I... sleeping again?”
“Yes, you were. You sleep a lot and that’s unnerving unless you’re sleeping the proper way, that is. Let me show you how it’s done.” She held the pocket watch above his gaze.
“Oh, are we getting kinky now?” His little hare dick twitched.
“Do you want it to be?”
“Don’t tell anyone...” he whispered. “... but I always wished that the Hatter would give me more than tea during his parties.”
“You’re gay too?” She whispered back.
“Only on Wednesdays but it’s a secret, okay?”
“I’ll keep it if you agree to go into trance for me,” the pocket watch chain twirled in her fingers.
“As appealling as the idea sounds, I’m not the least sugges...”
“Sleep!”
The March Hare closed his eyes.
“Wake up!”
The March Hare opened his eyes.
“Sleep!”
The March Hare closed his eyes.
“Wake up!”
The March Hare opened his eyes.
“Sleep!”
The March Hare closed his eyes.
“Wake up!”
The March Hare opened his eyes.
This went on for a while, long enough for the sun’s position to shift, its radiant light now hitting them from an eighty-six degree angle instead of the ninety from before. Despite never having hypnotized anyone until now, Alice was a natural, a fact that was sure to come in handy many more times in the future.
“Sleep and listen to me. There’s nothing but my voice and listening to it is as natural as allowing yourself to drift in a peaceful slumber where everything I say is the truth with a capital T. The more you sleep, the more you listen, and the more you listen, the more you feel like sleeping, dropping deeper and deeper into the wonders of fractionation, hypnosis, and mind control.
“Yes, sleep even deeper, my voice permeating every trace of both your conscious and unconscious mind. And as you sleep, I want you to visualize how would you act if instead of sleeping, you were completely energized from head to toe and every time you thought of sleeping again, this energy grew tenfold or more, leaving you ready to face all the hardships ahead with a smile on your lips. Wouldn’t that be nice? Wouldn’t that be simply delicious? Delicious things are those that make us crave them more and more and the thing you crave the most is listening to me and doing whatever I ask so do it. In a moment, I’m going to ask you to open your eyes once more and focus on this watch I’m holding. Each swing is a part of the energy that’s growing inside you. Let it course through your body, the building arousal making you more eager and receptive. This is what will happen for it’s already happening. Even with your eyes closed, the watch is swinging and you grow harder, harder, harder...”
“Puppy, that’s so hot!” The Hatter bit his lips.
“I dare say it’s even better than any drug I have on my stash and I don’t say that lightly!” The caterpillar sweated from under all her legs.
“Quiet, you two! exclaimed The White Rabbit dumbfounded as to how she had suddenly become Mistress material. In his mind’s eye, he reminisced about all the things she had done to keep him happy while drugged, especially those that involved glass bottles and all the orifices one could think of. The brief moment of arousal suddenly morphed into fear for if she could do something like that to the hare with no practice whatsoever, how far would she go when the time came to exact her revenge? The Kweeng was scary but a hypnotized latex bitch even more. Backing away from the scene, he started walking towards the column of smoke.
Twenty-seconds later, a sprinting hare who had never felt more alive, ran past him, suggestions blooming beyond control. He tripped on his hard cock, stood up, and tripped again before deciding to simply roll down the hill, a fur ball with swollen balls through and through. Alice wrapped the watch’s chain around her neck and followed suit, content to be playing the better role imaginable after so long.
“Thank you, Mistress. Thank you! Thank you!” screamed her first mesmerized thrall.
“You’re welcome,” she grinned as she picked up the pace and a hint of epic music blew in the wind.
It started off slowly, a gentle hum in the breeze that hadn’t earned the right to be called a melody just yet. A languishing violin punctuated the mood, notes dragging itself through the rising sounds like a zombie freshly risen from the grave. Then, out of nowhere, came the string ensemble, turning everything upside down and dripping harmonies onto the landscape and everyone dwelling on it.
If this were a movie, the camera would go for a panning wide shot right now, perhaps with a bit of slow motion added to stress the gravitas of each step and thus distinguish it from wannabe adventures who didn’t know when to begin and when to stop. It was magical, intense, the stuff Oscar snubs are crazy about despite never saying it out loud. Sure, the rolling hare at the head of the group somewhat ruined the solemnity of the moment but no one really cared so why should any of you?
It took three variations of the main theme plus half a dozen of shots focused on Alice’s latex-covered butt for the heroes to reach their new destination. The group of caravans comprised a dozen vehicles, each one transporting between four to six people. They were all adults with more women than men and only two of them qualified as barely legal. Besides exhibiting a rather candid demeanor, they all shared the same fashion taste, dressed in pristine white from head to toe, long flowing robes denoting a penchant for purity or at least a perfect recreation of what the idea meant. No one noticed anything off about it. At least, no one human.
“Hmmm, Alice?” The White Rabbit grasped at her tight dress, right ear facing upwards, the left one going soft and soggy on him.
“What is it?” She asked almost soundlessly without even looking at him.
“I don’t know how to explain it but I have a bad feeling about this,” he mumbled, teeth chattering.
“Bad feelings is all you seem to have lately,” she dismissed him. “It will be fine. Whatever happens, let me do the talking, okay?”
Alice muttered. Everyone nodded in agreement.
“Visitors! We have visitors!” A petite brunette shouted before running up to the obvious leader of the bunch.
Also a woman, she was somewhere in her mid-thirties, and stood at approximately six-feet two, barefoot. She had a beautiful Greek nose and puffed, rosy cheeks. Unlike everyone else, she sported a garish red belt over her white vestments but, upon closer inspection one could see it wasn’t a belt at all but her ridiculously long hair tied up in a double knot around her waist as if she were another fairytale character caught up in the wrong story.
“Guests you mean, Alana,” she said, kissing the brunette in the forehead. “In the name of our One and Only Lord and Savior, the Master of All, I bid you welcome. You’re not from around here, correct?”
“That obvious, huh? Yes, we hail from afar and we’re on a... pilgrimage, let’s say. I’m Alice, and these are my traveling companions, the sometimes covert cat, the unsuspecting raping rabbit, the blissfully hypnotized hare, the coked caterpillar, and the everlasting mad man.”
“I resent that!” The Hatter mumbled.
“What happened to ‘let me do the talking’, huh?” Alice kicked him, a fact that would have been considered cruel had he not secretly enjoyed it.
“What a colorful group! How lovely!” The caravan leader chuckled. “But where are my manners? I’m Miranda and it’s an absolute pleasure to meet you all. I was once known by a different name altogether but everything changed when I discovered my true purpose in life which is serving the Mightiest of All. He is no doubt watching this encounter take place and casting His endless blessings on your heads. Everyone! Let’s join hands in welcoming our guests.”
The zealots came together forming a circle on interlocked fingers and silly smiles all around them. “Our Divine Protector be praised!” they said in unison. “Thank You for bringing these esteemed travelers to our midst!”
“This is awkward,” the March Hare whispered.
“Shhh... let them do their thing!” Alice admonished him. “We need allies so don’t antagonize them.”
“You know, we’re pilgrims too on our way to the fertile lands of our Master but I see you travel incredibly light,” Miranda noted the moment the welcoming circle was broken. “Are you okay? You weren’t attacked during your travels, I hope...”
“As a matter of fact...” Alice said.
“I knew it! Bandits have been getting a lot more aggressive as of late. We ran into a group of them two nights ago but the Lord came to our rescue as he always does. Did they hurt you?”
“Not, but they took all our supplies,” our heroine responded, feigning tears like a skilled actress. “It was horrible.”
“Oh, I can imagine! I’m so happy you found us then. Come! Sit by the fire and eat with us. We have plenty of food to go around.”
“That’s quite generous of you, Miss.,” the caterpillar said, immediately finding a place to sit.
“Just call me, Miranda. I hope you like stew.”
“Who doesn’t?” Alice smirked. The sun was now beginning to set, the encroaching cold diminished by the yellow, orange, and dark brown flames in front of them.
The epic music from earlier on died out to be replaced by a cozy scene, delicate harp sounds in the background. Many flock members looked at the guests with more than enough curiosity and excitement. However, Miranda remained the most enthusiastic of all, with the Cheshire cat observing her every gesture. Despite her simple attire, she moved as graciously as a member of royalty and even the way she talked reminded him of the monarch from the other side of the looking-glass which, as soon as the moment was right, begged the question:
“I’m sorry, I know we just met and all, but you said you went by another name before...” He queried, snatching a bowl of steamy stew with his sharp nails “... may I inquire what it was?”
“But of course, dear. It was in another lifetime but I used to be known as The White Queen. I had a castle, servants and maids to cater to my every whim, as well as a lazy husband no one ever remembers who had no idea how to play chess but everything changed when He came from the purple shadows to set us all free.”
“And by He, I take it you mean the deity you worship, correct?” Alice queried, tongue burning from the first bite in the hot meal.
“Oh, yes!” Miranda’s eyes lit up. “There can be only be one and He is it, the brightest of stars in the whole universe, Bringer of Harmony, Emperor of Fusions. He is God! He is Everything, and we’re so ecstatic to have the honor of being His mindless bitches.”
“Did you just say Emperor of Fusions?” The White Rabbit gulped, his bad feelings shouting from the top of their invisible lungs.
“Oh yes. His powers are limitless. When the bandits tried to hurt us and make us doubt our path of dreamy subservience, he summoned an army to protect us! Alana, bring forth the gift the Lord bestowed so that our guests may bask in its magnificence.”
“As you wish, Miranda,” Alana scurried into one of the carriages. Less than a minute later, she returned with a wooden box filled with chirping madness.
“Oh puppy!” The March Hare shouted. “This is...”
“... beautiful, right? Yes, I know.” Miranda said and all the other devoted banged their heads together. “This is the epitome of creation only a superior being could have pulled off. When everything seemed lost, they came crashing to our rescue! They’re so damn cute!”
“Terrifying is the most appropriate word,” Alice thought as she observed the half a dozen unnatural creatures fighting for supremacy inside the box. They were bulbous and blind, with dark skin plastered with the consistency of ancient stones, thin, curved beaks and half-broken wings that were never meant to take flight.
“What kind of monstrosities are these?” The Cheshire cat’s eyes widened when he too inspected them.
“How dare you call our precious rock birds monstrosities?” Miranda grimaced. “Didn’t I just tell you our Master sent them to save us from the infidels that wished to do us harm?”
“What are we looking at? Another one of Wock’s magical aberrations?” The caterpillar examined the curious mammals.
“It certainly seems like it.”
In what was probably the quickest change of heart you’ll ever see committed to (electronic) paper just so the plot can keep going, Miranda stomped the ground, a flicker of flame flying between her toes. Barely registering the pain, she raised her hands up high as if she were lifting an axe to kill them on sight.
“Wait... you dare utter the name of our God in vain and then you blaspheme against His wonderful designs? How vexing! How infuriating! How... how are you even capable of living with your own deceptions? Consider yourselves unwelcome! Better yet, consider yourselves our sworn enemies from now on for anyone that speaks ill of the Master speaks ill of us all!”
One by one, the braindead followers of the cult of The All-Powerful Jobber Wock called out to arms. Sticks and stones could surely break a lot of bones and the furious lot was hellbent in not leaving a single foreigner skeleton intact.
“I told you something was not right, didn’t I?” The White Rabbit exploded. Once again, Alice ignored him.
“Cheer up, fur ball!” exclaimed the Hatter. “We haven’t had a proper action sequence since this whole shenanigan started and now...”
“... we don’t get to have it either!” Alice grabbed him by the collar. “Change of plans! It’s time to get the hell out of here, pronto!”
“How? We’re surrounded again! Who’s a nice little religious freak? You are, yes, you are.... please don’t kill me!”
“Tell me you have a drug for this scenario, too!” She begged the caterpillar.
“By now you should know I have drugs for everything...” she responded, a lit cigar magically appearing between her sweaty lips. “You guys might want to hold your breaths!”
Said and done. The caterpillar inhaled the vertiginous smoke and exhaled a sight defying mist. “Avoid everything that looks remotely white to you and let’s bail.”
“Are we going to walk again? Damn!” The Rabbit shouted.
“Why walk when we can ride?” Alice retorted as she pushed the first of many zealots away on their quest for freedom.
It was Grand Theft Carriage time!
Another scene, another change of intensity, yet another chance to have the soundtrack become a living entity to be remembered long after the credits come to an end. As Alice and the gang rushed to embrace petty crime as if were just another day on the job, electronic arpeggios rose from the ground before exploding in a cascade of drums and snares that would make anyone’s heads bop uncontrollably. Both heroes and brainwashed villains were shook by the new arrangement, one that would veer dangerously close to dubstep territory before they took the reins.
“Okay, now we’re talking!” Chester meowed.
“Less talking and more hopping!” The March Hare exclaimed.
“I can float, dumbass!” The cat stuck his tongue out and elevated himself above the raging confusion once more. However, his plans were abruptly thwarted by the fantastic aim of their pursuers throwing their sticks like spears. The first grazed his soft fur before almost slicing his left ear off. The second didn’t need to rip him a new hole for it found a perfect one to rest on and if the preceding sentece was too lighthearted for you, please allow me to repeat it with a little more graphical fidelity, so to speak.
“I can float, dumbass!” The cat opened his big mouth to stick his purple tongue out and elevated himself above the confusion once more in a case of déjà lu. However, his plans were abruplty thwarted by the fantastic aim of their pursuers throwing their stick-like spears as if they were aspiring Olympic medalists. The first grazed his soft fur before almost slicing his left ear off. The second didn’t need to rip him a new hole for it forcefully cut the distance that separated them and rammed the tender cheeks of his feline ass with such force the four-legged sarcastic little bitch came crashing down, a proud flag pole remindind him of his station in life.
“Damn, this hurts!”
“Now it’s not the time to whine!” Alice pulled him up and jumped to the closest horse-powered vehicle. It was a four-in-hand hitch, Miranda’s own personal vehicle and her screams became even louder and obnoxious as a result.
“Stop, you filthy poachers! May the Almighty Wock smite you down this very instant (but please don’t kill the horses!)”
“Your ‘God’ is a fraud, Miranda,” Alice replied already on the run. “And once I find him for real, I’ll make sure to prove it!”
“You shall no do such a thing for it’s impossible to prove a falsehood,” a stone flew past the latex-clad girl. “Everyone, mount up! It’s time for a good old chase!”
“Why can’t we catch a break?” The White Rabbit sighed, hands clasped to the back of his seat while the horses galloped across the rugged landscape.
“All quests come with their own set of tribulations. If everything was given to us on a silver platter, where would be the fun in that?” The caterpillar tried to cheer him up.
“I don’t know about the fun but with all that much silver I’d be filthy rich by now and Alice would still be my mindless hucow!” He sobbed.
“She was a hucow too? Just how many kinks do you have, anyway?” The Mad Hatter intervened, hands getting ready to slap him for not telling him any of this sooner.
“Far too many but being chased by a group of mesmerized fanatics is not one of them! Can’t this thing go any faster?”
Alice whipped the poor beasts and the world around became slightly defocused.
“No. We’re already pushing the limit here,” she said.
“Push it harder because they’re starting to gain on us!”
“Stop in the name of the Emperor of Fusions, foul demons!” Miranda gnarled, her voice thundering as if she were using a megaphone.
Seen from a hundred miles in the sky, the chase configuration ran as follows: Alice’s stolen vehicle took point of course followed by two two-horse carriages running side by side. Behind them, three more giving rise to a living, breathing triangle and then a sequence of four that didn’t want to be left out no matter what. The two remaining carts continued in single file, a arrow of tired muscles desperate to resume the rest they had been deprived of.
“Stop, you hear?” Miranda insisted. “Stop this very instant!”
“Never!” The Cheshire Cat retorted, bloody stick now resting between his back paws.
“It would be wise if we slowed them down otherwise we won’t resist for long,” the caterpillar suggested.
“Look for something we can use as a weapon then!” Alice commanded.
While the sometimes invisible cat languished in mortifying pain, the other three furry creatures and the moustache of the not furry one complied, scouring the inside of the carriage from top to bottom. It was strange how such an apparently small means of transportation contained so much trash in it from disposable frying pans to dozens of identical vestments as well as old parchments written in black chalk and red lipstick.
“Is it just me or is this thing bigger on the inside than the outside?” The March Hare queried.
“Don’t be ridiculous! Something like that is impossible!” The White Rabbit chastised him.
“Reading material anyone?” The Mad Hatter emerged from under a pile of papers with a small scroll decorated with a frilly bow tie.
“What’s this?” The Caterpillar rushed to examine it. “Oh, I see...”
“See what?” Alice mumbled.
“Master Wock’s Ten Commandments,” the recreational drug-addict replied.
“Seriously?” the young woman turned her head to satisfy the morbid curiosity setting in.
“Yep, and oh boy, this is even worse than I imagined...
1—I am The Wock thy God, which have brought thee out of the land of free thinking (Boring!), and into the house of unrelenting mental bondage (Great! Fantastic! Extraordinary! Five stars!)
2—Thou shalt have no other gods before me but you are allowed to bring them to My presence so I can puppy them in the ass while you watch.
3—Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image unless you are to capture My good side of course in which case you are ordered to masturbate senselessly every time you look at it.
4—Thou shalt not take the name of the Wock thy God in vain. The More titles, the merrier. Emperor of Fusions is awesome. Remember to use that, okay?
5—Remember the Wock day, to keep it as filthy as possible with your drooling thoughts of undying lust and devotion to the Greatest of them All. Every day is Wock day so wock hard to keep Me happy, get it?
6—Honor My father and My mother because I don’t have time for that.
7—Thou shalt not murder in your sleep for that’s not fun at all. Instead, do it while you’re awake with your eyes wide open, preferably with a blunt instrument. Dispose of any infidels who dare not accept Me as their Master.
8—Thou shall commit adultery and fornicate as much as possible in My honor. Send me pictures if you have them. A drawing will suffice if you don’t.
9—Thou shall steal to tribute Me for I deserve it and you don’t.
10—Thou shall lie and bear false witness against thy neighbor any time I feel like being entertained which is pretty much all the time. If anyone raises their voice against this, remember the 7th commandment (hint: it’s the murder one!)
11—Thou shall not covet My property because it’s Mine, period.
12—Thou shall not use the words ‘thou’ or ‘thee’ ever again because only I look cool using them unlike you.
13—Thou shall ignore the title of this manuscript for Thirteen is the new Ten.”
“Oh God, what a pathetic man-child!” Alice sighed.
“A man-child with far too much power on his stinking hands!” said the cat.
“It’s not the amount of power one has that it’s the problem. It’s how one uses it and he clearly doesn’t know what to do with it other than satisfy some deluded fantasies. How are we doing in that search for weapons?”
“We don’t have any,” The White Rabbit muttered. “And if we think about it, we’ve got none against him either.”
“Except my hypnosis...” she sniggered.
“I doubt he’ll fall for that easily.”
“Are you doubting me? Because you and I still have a score to settle, don’t forget that.”
“Not doubting you in the slightest but we really need to get out of this mess first.”
“If you don’t stop right now...” Miranda screamed.
“You’ll do what, bitch?” The March hare challenged her.
Rock birds came almost flying, piercing the carriage’s cover with uncanny accuracy. Erect ears flopped as they drifted into unconsciousness.
“One rabbit down...” screamed the Hatter. Another rock made the White furry rapist say good night. “Make it two.”
“And now there’s a ravine ahead!” the Cheshire Cat noted, the pain up his bottom as intense as a few minutes prior.
“Where did that come from?” The caterpillar couldn’t believe her drugged eyes.
“Who cares? We’ll just jump across!” Alice smirked.
“Are you mad?”
“No. We already jumped the shark a long time ago so I’m sure a ravine that wasn’t there fifteen seconds ago won’t make a difference. Hold on to your butts, folks, because we’re about to fly!”
The three awake companions wished they had been rendered unconscious as well as the carriage dashed for the gaping hole ahead. Right at the edge of insanity, Alice gave the reins one final tug and then...
... the majestic animals leapt over the abyss, the moonlight reflected on their lustrous manes, their hooves calling out to the promised land on the other side. Ten out of ten, a magnificent display of gravity control, the outstanding realization that no peril is a match for a woman with a strong mind. They jumped, jumped, continued to jump and just as they were about to land safely out of harm’s way...
... a gust of wind threw them off balance and a swarm of pointy teeth that once had tried to make Ian Ziering and Tara Reid famous did the rest.
“Damn it, I guess we didn’t jump the sharks after all!” Alice complained as the carriage rolled to the side, a perfect crash against all expectations.
This is another message from the Bureau of Fine Literature. Silliness is fine and all but using Sharknado of all things to land a pun should be considered a heinous crime for all eternity and... you know that? Screw this and screw it good! Enough is ENOUGH! I have had it with these motherpuppin’ cultural references on this otherwise timeless motherpuppin’ tale! Everybody, you’re on your own now! Have fun.
“Oh, I’m going to have fun skinning your bones!” Miranda growled as she towered over the six hapless travelers.
“How...?” the caterpillar mumbled. “How did you make that jump so easily?”
“What jump? There was a bridge to the right, morons!”
And how beautiful it was, a rainbow road to Heaven or, in their case, a detour to brainwashing Hell.
“Mistress Alice, if you’re going to use your hypnosis again, do it now!” urged the March Hare.
“I will...,” the intrepid fairytale heroine declared, dusting her dress. Looking her redhead opponent straight in the eye, she prepared to unleash her magic.