Because I Knew You (part 5)
That night Bill found me online and tranced me. I hadn’t been able to sit back and just let myself go in trance for a while, and it was nice. It was tough being in control all the time.
“I have a task for you,” Bill told me.
Bill hadn’t given me a task in a while so the idea kind of excited me. “Yes master,” I replied.
“I want you to write an erotic story for me,” he instructed.
I liked this idea, I’d always dabbled in writing a little.
“Have it to me by the end of the week,” Bill ordered.
“I will sir,” I said obediently.
After he logged off I turned on the radio and had to laugh when “Just a Girl” came on. The song always kind of made me think of how I was submissive to Bill. Laughing, I grabbed the pink ribbon off my teddy bear, wrapped it around my eyes, and began to sing and dance around the room.
Take this pink ribbon off my eyesI’m exposed, and it’s no big surpriseDon’t you think I know exactly where I stand?This world is forcing me to hold your hand
I took the pink ribbon from around my eyes, looking in the mirror as I did so. I watched as I widened my eyes to show how I was exposed. I continued to sing, feeling very light hearted.
‘Cause I’m just a girl, oh little ol’ meWell, don’t let me out of your sightOh, I’m just a girl, all pretty and petiteSo don’t let me have any rightsOh, I’ve had it up to here
I grabbed a rather large stuffed bunny I had and held him as though he were my dance partner. I then whirled around the room with him.
The moment that I step outsideSo many reasons for me to run and hideI can’t do the little things I hold so dearCause it’s all those little things that I fearI made like I was stepping, then ran behind a chair and hid behind it. I contorted my face so that I appeared afraid.
‘Cause I’m just a girl, I’d rather not be‘Cause they won’t let me drive late at nightOh, I’m just a girl, guess I’m some kind of freak‘Cause they all sit and stare with their eyesI curtsied politely to the non existent people who were staring at me, and briefly wondered how one would stare if NOT with their eyes.
Oh, I’m just a girl, take a good look at meJust your typical prototypeOh, I’ve had it up to hereOh, am I making myself clear?I’m just a girl, I’m just a girl in the worldThat’s all that you’ll let me beI wagged my finger at the bunny, as though he were the one who would only let me be the girl.
Oh, I’m just a girl living in captivityYour rule of thumb make me worrisomeOh, I’m just a girl, what’s my destiny?What I’ve succumbed to is making me numbOh, I’m just a girl, my apologiesWhat I’ve become is so burdensomeOh, I’m just a girl, lucky meTwiddle Dum, there’s no comparisonOh, I’ve had it up toOh, I’ve had it up toOh, I’ve had it up to hereI collapsed on my bed in a gale of giggles, feeling happy and satisfied with life in general.
During the next week I threw around ideas about what I should write. I knew once I came up with the right story, the writing would be easy. I decided to write a story about he and I in his doctors office. I figured I could work in something where he used the anesthesia on me, as that idea was always of interest to me. We could have sex on one of his examining tables. I’m not sure why this idea excited me so much, but it definitely did.
I spent the next week working on my story, I thought it was pretty hot. I even showed Leslie and Rick, just to get a second opinion before I sent it to my intended audience. Both were highly complimentary so off it went.
Rick and I continued to do some trancing as well as just normal talking, I was seriously considering meeting him face to face. In the meantime, I couldn’t wait to find out what Bill thought of my story. He’d been busy so we hadn’t really talked much.
Finally he texted me and told me to meet him online. Eagerly I logged on. We chit chatted for a bit, catching up a little. I finally couldn’t contain myself any longer.
“Did you read my story,” I typed.
“Yes, thank you,” he typed back.
I waited for more and nothing came. With some hesitation I typed, “So did you like it?”
“I don’t like the idea of that sort of thing happening at my place of work,” was his reply.
He said nothing more. I was grateful for the computer as I felt the tears welling up in my eyes. I’d put a bit of time and effort into writing it and he didn’t like it. Then I remembered my place.
“I’m sorry you did not like it,” I typed, glad that is was a rare night he didn’t have me on voice. I knew how upset I’d sound if I were talking.
“It is ok, I’m sure your wonderful imagination will come up with something for me again,” was his comment.
For some reason this didn’t make me feel any better, but then again, it was his livelihood. I should respect that he was a professional and wasn’t comfortable with the type of story I had written. A nagging voice in my head kept reminding me that it was, in fact, just a story. Maybe he shouldn’t be so uptight about it. Still, he was master and I should respect his boundaries and I would. “I am sure I will come up with something to please you master,” I typed to him.
He told me he couldn’t stick around tonight but would be over tomorrow evening. I was looking forward to seeing him, suggested maybe I could trance him. He didn’t really respond to that but I didn’t give it much thought.
The next day I was all prepared to see him. I’d bought a new nighty, it was pink, silky, and short, and showed my curves in a flattering way. I’d also gotten a pair of fishnet stockings on impulse, I know a lot of men love them. For added affect I was wearing my high heels. I felt like they gave me an air of being “in charge,” so I could trance him effectively.
I smiled as I opened the door to his knock. He took in my appearance, his face showing his appreciation. He paused for a moment as he looked me over.
“What’s with the stockings?” he asked.
His voice didn’t sound entirely pleased.
“Uh, I thought they were kind of sexy,” I explained.
“Oh, I’m just not into stockings,” he said dismissively.
I felt so disappointed and crushed. Between this and the story I just didn’t seem to be doing anything right these days. Hoping my face didn’t show what I was feeling, I forced a smile and invited him in.
“I was hoping I could trance you tonight,” I said.
“Not tonight Mandy, another time ok?” he replied.
Rejected again, I was really on a roll it would seem. I smiled brightly and said we could do whatever he wanted, I was just glad he was here.
I sat in my regular chair and he said, “Sleep now.” I instantly fell into trance and gave myself over to it. We hadn’t been together in a while so I was determined to enjoy this. He moved through the trance quickly, taking me to the bedroom and having sex with me. Bill woke me up after he’d finished and said he had to go.
“Thank you Mandy, I know I feel better,” he told me. I glanced at the clock and realized he’d been there barely more than half an hour. Not that he’d never done quickie trance/sex sessions before, but not after not seeing me for a while. I suddenly felt very down, but what could I say.
“I’m happy I could please you master,” I told him. I meant it but still, I wished he could stay a little bit longer. “Maybe you can come back soon?” I said with hope in my voice.
“We’ll see,” he replied, without much feeling.
A couple of weeks went by without much contact from him. When I did hear from him he always said he was busy. I felt myself becoming depressed. It was part of me to please him, I needed him, and he had no time for me. He’d never been like this with me before. I guess work had him running around but still.
I was having trouble focusing on my school work, and found myself spending more and more time in the chat rooms. Only when I talked to Leslie or Rick did I cheer up at all. Rick knew I was unhappy and had offered to trance me to help me relax. I was considering letting him, but for the time being I was only trancing him. At least focusing on someone else let me forget my own unhappiness for a while.
As I looked at my calendar one morning, mapping out due dates of some assignments, I really focused on what day it was. I’d not been thinking about it, but I hadn’t had my period in some time. I didn’t want to admit that I could be pregnant, but I knew I’d slipped up on my pills sometime recently. Bill had not really been around so I’d not worried about it, but there had been that one time…..
As panic began to overcome me I thought about calling Bill. Then I decided against it, why worry him if it was a false alarm? Instead I called Leslie.
“Don’t panic Mandy, let’s find out if you are pregnant before we worry about it. I’ll come over tonight with a pregnancy test, and you’ll take it while I’m there, so I can be there for you,” she said in an almost authorative manner.
I already felt a little better just talking to her. She came over that night, with the test and I went to the bathroom and took it. Nervously we waited for the results together. I watched as the first line appeared, that indicated the test was functioning correctly. Then I watched in horror as the second line appeared confirming my fears, I was pregnant.
I didn’t mean to but tears started streaming down my face. I was too young to have a baby and Bill was married already. Leslie hugged me tightly while I cried it out.
“You need to call Bill as soon as possible,” Leslie said gently when I had stopped sobbing.
“I know,” I barely whispered. “I’m afraid he’ll be mad at me,” I admitted.
“If he’s any kind of master he will be supportive,” she told me gently, but firmly.
I knew she was right.
“I just don’t know what I’m going to do,” I told her.
“He will help you figure that out,” she replied.
I sent him an e-mail, asking him to get in touch with me as soon as possible. He didn’t get back to me until the next day. His e-mail said he was very busy but he’d contact me soon.
I sighed internally, waiting was so hard. I just had no idea what I should do. I started to have fantasies that Bill would leave his wife for me, so he could take care of our child. Part of me also knew I wasn’t ready to be a mother, even if Bill would come to me. I was a mess and I needed him to call me.
Finally he called me. I didn’t really want to discuss this with him on the phone though, so I asked if he’d come to see me.
“I’m really busy and am not sure when that will happen,” he said.
I began to feel really distressed, like I wanted to cry. “It’s really important!” I pleaded.
“Just tell me on the phone,” he said impatiently.
“I’m pregnant,” I blurted out.
There was a long pause. I felt so incredibly tense, dreading his response. “Obviously we need to take care of the problem,” he said coldly.
“What do you mean?” I barely whispered.
“I’m married, we cannot have a child,” he continued, without changing his tone.
He hadn’t even thought about it, this was obviously the only solution in his mind.
“I’m not sure what you mean,” I said, wanting to make him spell it out.
Still sounding impatient he said, “You need to have an abortion, I know someone who will take good care of you and I will refer you. Of course you can’t mention that I’m the father.”
I was finding it hard to speak, I was beginning to feel hysterical. “I’m not sure I want to do that,” I said.
“Mandy this is the only option, don’t argue with me,” he demanded.
I felt myself go cold. “I don’t know what I’m going to do,” I said, almost screaming now. With that I hung up the phone.
He didn’t call me back. I called Leslie, telling her what happened between sobs.
“Mandy, it will be ok. Perhaps Bill needed a little time to process this, I’m just not sure,” she said, not sounding entirely convincing.
She offered to come over but I declined. That night I tossed and turned for a long time, until I finally cried myself to sleep.
The knock on the door woke up me up the next day. I looked out my peephole and saw Bill standing there. Reluctantly I opened the door.
“Mandy, I’m really sorry about yesterday. I didn’t handle that as well as I should have,” he said in that soft voice that I’d always loved.
This sent me over the edge emotionally and I just burst into tears. Bill put his arms around me, something he never does, and let me cry it out. We stood there for at least ten minutes until my crying subsided.
“I think you need to calm down and let me relax you a little,” he said soothingly.
I knew what he meant and I obediently sat down in my chair. He wanted to trance me and I knew he was right, I needed the release.
“Sleep now,” he said.
Immediately my eyes slammed shut and I felt some of the tension leave my body. He began to speak to me in a nice, relaxing voice, taking me deeper. He even rubbed my leg soothingly while he spoke. Bill never did that unless it was in a sexual way. It took some doing, but eventually everything faded away and I did let myself go while he spoke.
“Now Mandy, we need to talk about this problem we have,” he said.
Even in trance I mentally cringed a little at him referring to my pregnancy as a problem. He must have sensed my mental change because he switched back to deepening me for a couple of minutes, before shifting back to the “problem.”
“Mandy, you are much too young to be a mother. You are a vibrant, young woman with your whole life ahead of you. You have your schooling to finish, a baby would make that so difficult. I cannot do right to you by marrying you, and you deserve that. I think you know there is only one choice to make.”
Without even thinking about it I murmured, “only one choice to make.”
“Good girl,” he said in tone that told me he was smiling.
I felt that warm, fuzzy feeling those words always gave me. Then I felt uneasy, as thoughts about what I was supposed to do crept in. “But I’m not sure I….,” I started to say uncertainly.
“Of course you are, you know it’s the right decision for you,” he pressed on gently.
Relaxing again I murmured, “right decision for me…”
“Good girl, you please me so much Mandy,” he said.
He’d taken me so deep I just couldn’t think at all. “Thank you sir,” I said demurely.
I felt him softly kiss my cheek, again something he never does.
“You will not remember being tranced this time, nor anything about our conversation. You will simply know that a termination is the right decision. You will tell me about this decision and then I will send you to a good doctor. Of course I will pay for the procedure, and you will feel so good knowing you’ve made the right decision for yourself, understand?” he said, still speaking gently.
“Yes, master,” I said obediently.
It seemed he took a while awakening me, but it was hard to tell in that state. I heard the snap of his fingers and my eyes flew open. I wondered how long I’d been sitting in the chair. Bill was smiling at me softly.
“You took a little nap honey,” he said, startling me with a term of endearment he’d never used before. “I’m guessing you didn’t sleep much last night.”
I had to admit the truth of that statement.
“I have to get to work, but I wanted to come see you and make sure you were ok,” he said, sounding very sincere.
I smiled sadly. Suddenly I knew what I had to do. “I’m going to have an abortion,” I said, not realizing what I was saying until the words were out of my mouth.
He stopped smiling, but just spoke softly. “If that is what you want then I support you.”
“Do you think you could recommend a good doctor to me,” I asked, again wondering what the hell I was saying.
“Of course I can, and I will pay your expenses too. You’re going to be just fine.”
He put his arms around me and hugged me, it felt so nice to be in his arms. Then he gently kissed my lips, and left.
I felt so odd, wondering when I’d decided to have an abortion. I wasn’t sure I wanted to do that, and yet somehow it seemed like the right choice. I began to feel so confused. I looked at the time and decided to call Leslie to ask if we could meet for lunch. She was more than happy to, so I got myself showered and dressed and set off to meet him a little while later.
Leslie and I met at the cafeteria on campus. I could tell she sensed something was up, but didn’t press. After we’d been through the line to get our food I dived into telling her what happened.
“Bill came over this morning, and he was much more understanding than he was last night,” I told her.
She smiled, clearly happy for me. “I’m so glad he came through for you,” she said, obviously relieved.
“I’ve decided to have the abortion,” I said.
There was a long pause while she studied me. “Was this his idea?” she asked.
“He didn’t even mention me having an abortion this morning. He just apologized for last night and held me while I cried. He was so sweet, he never hugs or kisses me and he did both today,” I said earnestly.
Leslie stared at me without changing her expression. When she did speak she spoke carefully. “Did anything else happen?” she inquired.
“No, not really,” I said honestly.
“He didn’t trance you?” she continued.
“No, in fact I was so tired I fell asleep while he was there,” I replied.
Leslie continued to look at me, and I found myself feeling very uncomfortable. “How do you know he didn’t trance you?” she continued to press.
“He told me I fell asleep, that’s how I know,” I said, starting to feel anxious without knowing why.
Leslie seemed like she was trying to choose her words carefully. “I don’t want to upset you, but is it possible that you didn’t fall asleep but in fact were tranced. Maybe that’s why you are suddenly sure you want an abortion, maybe he tranced you to feel that way. Last night you were very torn about what to do, this morning you have made a complete 180. You know I will support you in any decision you make, but I want it to be YOURS,” she said, her voice getting firmer as she spoke.
I looked at her in disbelief. Surely Bill wouldn’t do that, would he? My mind began to reel with questions, would he manipulate me like that? He’d tranced me before and made me forget, so I knew he could do it. But…Bill cared about he, he wouldn’t manipulate me in that way. All his manipulations had been in fun, a game, he wouldn’t manipulate me about something important…would he?
I knew by Leslie’s expression that she was reading my thoughts. “It’s something to think about isn’t it?” she said.
I felt very distressed and couldn’t finish my lunch. The thoughts just kept running around and around in my head. I lost track of the fact that I was out in public, sitting at a table with someone else. All I could do was think, and thinking made my stomach hurt.
Leslie’s voice brought me back to reality. “Mandy, I honestly wasn’t trying to upset you. I just felt like you really needed to consider this possibility, in case this decision isn’t really yours.”
“I just don’t think Bill would do that to me,” I said, trying to convince myself.
“Well, you know him best,” she said without conviction.
The rest of the lunch was awkward, and I didn’t eat another bite. I drove home in a fog of cloudy thoughts, trying to convince myself that Leslie wasn’t right.
When I got home I logged on. Rick was there, and for reasons unknown to me I spilled the whole story to him. He was sympathetic, without offering judgment or opinion as to what I should do.
I continued to think, did I really want an abortion? Did I want to keep it? As soon as I’d think about keeping it a voice would tell me that was the wrong thing to do. Maybe I should have it and give it away, I wondered if I could do that and keep it from my parents. The more I thought about it the more stressed I felt.
My stomach started to hurt. Sometimes I get stomach aches when I’m stressed so I took some advil and went to lay down. The pain got worse, almost debilitating. I started to panic, maybe something was going on with the baby. I called Leslie but she didn’t answer. Since she was still at work this didn’t surprise me, she was probably actually working. I wasn’t sure what else to do, but I didn’t want to be alone.
I decided to call Rick, who answered immediately. When I told him about my pain he said I should go to the ER and have it checked out. I was reluctant, but decided he was right. He offered to come get me and take me. I hesitated, we’d never met before. On the other hand, I wasn’t sure I should be driving in my condition and I certainly didn’t want the scene an ambulance might cause. I told him where I lived and he said he’d come soon.
I answered as soon as he knocked. Dark hair, glasses, a couple of inches taller than me, he had the appearance of a nice guy. I smiled at him weakly and thanked him for coming to get me. He said it was no problem and took me down to his car. He got me to the nearest ER where we waited. It took a while for them to see me, and the pain did finally start to dull a bit.
Finally I got called back and had a few tests done, including a sonogram. The sonogram showed no heartbeat, so I knew I’d lost the baby. I don’t know why, but I just started sobbing. I wasn’t going to keep the baby anyway, so why did I care.
“You’ll need to have a D and C,” said the doctor.
I nodded, knowing that was essentially like an abortion but for fetuses that were already non viable.
“It’s not an emergency so I would suggest calling your doctor and scheduling it with him,” the doctor continued.
I agreed again. Luckily I was on student insurance and the statements came to me so my parents wouldn’t have to know about this. I could only imagine what they’d think if they knew.
When I finally went out to the waiting room, Rick was still waiting for me.
“You didn’t have to wait for me,” I said, smiling gratefully.
“I wasn’t going to leave you alone,” he informed me.
We got in the car and I briefly informed him of the outcome.
“I’m sorry Mandy,” he said sincerely.
“It’s ok, I don’t know what I’m so upset about. I was probably going to have an abortion anyway,” I said shakily.
“Do you want me to stick around for a while,” Rick asked, when we got back to my apartment.
“Thank you but no, I need to call Bill and let him know. I really appreciate your help today,” I said sincerely.
After Rick left I turned my cell on, which I had turned off while at the hospital. I had two messages from Leslie. Since I knew she was long done with work by now I called her back. I told her what had happened.
“Oh Mandy, I’m so sorry. I wish I’d been there for you,” she said in a worried tone.
“It’s not your fault, and it’s for the best really. I don’t know why I feel so sad,” I said, really meaning it.
“Have you told Bill?” she asked.
“Not yet,” I said.
“You need to do that as soon as possible,” she said, almost directing me.
I hung up with Leslie and went ahead and called Bill. As luck would have it, he picked up and was clearly not occupied.
“Bill, I lost the baby,” I blurted out.
“You lost the baby?” he repeated as a question.
“Yes, I had terrible pains in my stomach and went to the emergency room, where they confirmed I’d lost it. Now I need to have a D and C,” I said flatly.
“Mandy, you know this is probably for the best,” he said, sounding relieved.
“Yeah, for the best,” I repeated dully.
“I can still set you up with the same doctor, and of course I’ll pay for the procedure,” he said, still sounding relieved.
“Thanks,” I said.
Bill gave me the number of the doctor to call, saying he’d already told him I’d be calling, so I just needed to update him on the miscarriage. Wow, he’d really moved on that fast. I realized I didn’t want to talk to him anymore, and I had no trouble getting off the phone. I cried myself to sleep, not feeling certain as to what I was crying about.
The next day I called the doctor and set up the appointment. I then called Bill to tell him I’d set it up.
“That’s great,” he said. “As I said last night, I’ll pay for all of your expenses.”
I told him what day the appointment was. “You’ll come with me won’t you?”
There was a long pause. “Mandy, I can’t do that, people know me at the hospital and would talk.”
I felt so disappointed, but I recognized the truth of his words. “I understand,” I said reluctantly. “I’ve never had surgery before, can you at least come over ahead of time and help me prepare?”
Again, another long pause before he said, “I have a surgery scheduled that day and can’t.”
“Couldn’t you change it?” I said, almost pleading.
“No,” he said firmly.
“Ok,” I said with resignation.
“Mandy, I have to go. You are going to be fine,” he said, dismissing me.
After he hung up I called Leslie. She was appalled at his refusal to even come see me ahead of time.
“He should be ashamed of himself, what an ass,” she said, shocking me. Leslie never used profanity of any kind, she was always a lady.
“Well, if he has surgery I guess…..,” I said, trailing off.
“Don’t defend him Mandy, his behavior is inexcusable. Just so you know, I will go to the hospital with you.”
“Leslie, I don’t know what to say, you don’t have to…,” I started.
“Yes, I want to and I do have to, and don’t argue with me,” she said, in a commanding voice.
I shivered a little. Once in a while I heard the domme in her and I could only imagine how the men must react to it.
Later that day I called Rick and told him what was going on. I cried on his shoulder a little about Bill’s unwillingness to be there for me. I also told him how I was afraid of the surgery.
“Mandy, why don’t you let me help you out. I know I’ve never tranced you before, but you know I do trance people. I’d be happy to prep you beforehand and go with you,” he said sincerely.
I was speechless. My first instinct was to refuse, but then I thought better about it. “I’d really appreciate that,” I said sincerely.
“Consider it done,” he said.
When I told Leslie about that later, she thought it was very sweet. She said she’d come only shortly before I had to leave, to give Rick time to work with me. I told her she didn’t have to but she was insistent. I’ve learned it’s best to just not argue with her sometimes.
The morning of my surgery I felt a big lump in my throat and a knot in my stomach. I placed my hands over my stomach and whispered, “I’m sorry I never got to know you.”
It was only then that I realized I could have never had an abortion. I might have given it up for adoption, but I’d never have aborted it. Leslie may have been right, Bill may have put the idea in my head. I sighed heavily, it didn’t matter now.
The knock on my door let me know that Rick was here. I opened the door and let him in. I tried to smile, as I looked through his glasses and into his eyes. His dark hair was combed nicely and his blue eyes were sympathetic. I looked at the chair I usually sat in when Bill came over, and decided not to do it there. I laid on my couch instead.
Rick started with a typical relaxation induction. It took a while to get me into trance, as I was very tense.
“Now I want you to imagine yourself at the top of a crystal staircase. The staircase has twenty steps, and each step will take you deeper. After twenty steps you will be very deep, In the future, when I ask you to climb the crystal staircase, that will be your trigger to go into trance. Understand?”
“Yes, I understand,” I mumbled.
“Good girl,” he said.
I felt that warm, fuzzy feeling I got when Bill said that. It wasn’t quite as intense, but it was pretty nice none the less.
“Today you are going to go to the hospital for your surgery. I know you haven’t had surgery before, but it’s all going to go fine. The important thing to remember is how relaxed you are, and will be throughout the day. Everything is going to go fine today, understand?”
“Yes,” I mumbled again.
“Good girl. Remember, Leslie and I will be there for you the whole time. We will be there until the staff makes us leave, and we’ll be there when you wake up. We are holding your hand, both physically and mentally. Everything will go as planned, and with each step, you will take a deep breath and relax. Understand?”
“Uh-huh,” I said.
Rick continued on for a bit, before waking me up. When I awakened, I felt less nervous and I even smiled. “Thank you Rick,” I said.
“You are welcome,” he said, as we heard the knock on my door.
When Leslie came in I started to make introductions, until they reminded me that they did know each other, at least online. I laughed a little, and Leslie gave Rick an approving look.
“I can see you’ve done your job well,” she smiled.
Rick’s smile told me he was pleased with the compliment. I marveled at how Leslie has that affect on people.
We drove to the hospital, with Rick and Leslie making small talk, obviously trying to help me relax. Although I was sad, I didn’t feel overly anxious. Rick’s trance must have worked. The surgery all went ok, and I was grateful when it was time to go home.
When we got home, I thanked them both and said they could go. Rick admitted he had some things to do and left, but Leslie stayed. I tried not to, but I found myself bursting into tears. Leslie put her arms around me and hugged me when I cried. Logically I knew part of this was a hormone crash, but it wasn’t really helping. I just cried it out for a long time, wondering if I’d ever feel better.
After a while Leslie commented, “I cannot believe Bill hasn’t called to check on you.”
“I’m sure he’s busy with work and such,” I said doubtfully.
“Mandy, stop making excuses for him,” she said sternly.
I broke down in tears again and she hugged me. “It’s going to get better, I promise,” she said gently.
Leslie offered to stay over but I really preferred to be alone. Bill didn’t call and I cried myself to sleep.