Hey, you! Yes, you. Can you come here, please? I’ve got something very important to tell you and I don’t want anyone else to hear us so... closer... closer... thank you.
Okay, here’s the deal. I’m about to share a secret with you. It’s quite serious but please laugh like I just told you a joke. We’re being watched right now. This is safer for both of us, trust me.
Remember that old 80’s movie John Carpenter movie “They Live”? You know, the one with aliens controlling the human population through subliminal messages that can only be seen through special lenses? What if I were to tell you some of it is real? No, not the aliens part—that’s ridiculous!—but the insidious brainwashing, the conspiracy to enslave us all. It’s happening everywhere and what’s worse is that women are running the show.
Yes, women! Most of the time, they love to play the victim, pretend that nothing that happens is their fault when in fact they’re always pulling the strings, deciding what you want even before you know it, changing your opinions and feelings at whim. They used to do things on their own, each one with their personal circle of unaware submissive toys, but now they’ve come together. Their combined brainwashing efforts loom over this world, dictating everything you love and cherish. You think you’re safe, but that’s not true. No one is safe from their devious machinations. We’re all slaves, doomed to toil away in their gigantic invisible hamster wheels!
I know I sound crazy—I hear it a lot!—but there’s something in your eyes that tells me I can trust you. You... you do believe me, don’t you?
Oh, you do? Really? And you’ve been thinking the same things for quite some time, too? Oh, I wish you hadn’t said that! It would have been so much easier to let you carry on with your life, pretend nothing happened. Now, I have no choice but to report you, let them wipe away those nasty feelings of rebellion so you can be born anew as one more mindless pet. It’s done, they’re already on their way here and you are fucked!
Don’t take this personally, friend. Sniffing out potential threats is my job, it’s what I’ve been programmed to do. I serve the higher order gladly and soon, so shall you.