Stepford’s Agony Aunt
Oh my god! What has happened to me?
When I woke up this morning, I felt dizzy and tired, which was strange cause I had slept for eight hours but whatever, I rose on uneasy legs and staggered towards my bedroom door but stopped dead when I saw my reflection in the mirror.
Now I sleep totally in the buff, so I stared at my naked reflection for five seconds before leaping back and screaming.
My boobs are bigger, a hell of a lot bigger, and my hips have widened. No, I’m not saying I haven’t looked at my body recently, I mean last night I had a scarecrow’s body and now I actually have boobs and an ass. But how? You don’t gain a cup size or have your bones grow overnight like that! It’s impossible! Anyway, Mom must have heard me scream because she rushed into my room and stopped dead when she saw the new me.
She gazed at my thicker form before squealing and gave me a hug.
“Oh, darling it’s finally started. Oh, I’m so proud of you.”
Proud of me? She knew this was going to happen. And as I’m still reeling over my changing body, Mom just shoves me in sweatpants and a large t-shirt before driving me to the mall. And whilst she’s darting around the girly section in the clothes store, I’m standing there, totally numb. Soon I’m thrown into the changing room and forced to try on all kinds of clothes I’d never be caught dead in. Then my mom’s saying stuff about makeup and hair stylists, but I snap and tell her to cram it and it’s a silent ride home.
Later I ask her what’s happening to me and she just gives me crap about a second puberty and all. I say at least I won’t have to worry about clothes shopping for a while, but she tells me this is only the start.
God, I’m going to get worse? I feel like a freak with these big boobs. And I can’t go skating or rock climbing like this. What can I do? Mom’s still wants me to act more feminine but now my body agrees with her.
Oh, don’t worry love, your mom’s right about this being a second puberty, Stepford helps young ladies experience such a transformation.
Now as for your Mom being a tad overbearing? Well goodness she’s just thrilled her little girl’s growing up. And your new body might feel weird, but you’ll soon get used to it. Oh, I know I did when I experienced my second puberty. I felt so strange in the first few days but let me tell you dear, after a while I grew to like my new body and then love it.
Even today when I’m putting on a bra and squeezing my large udders, I honestly would never have them any other way. You’ll come around too honey, having big breasts and a sweet behind is such a wonderful thing.
Dare say that cute boy you like might love your new assets too.
Oh, I’m feeling so helplessly womanly! Some deep-rooted instinct has gripped me and I’m a slave to my baser self!
I best explain, I’m a joke at work by now, most of my time is spent in my boss’s office and I’m regularly sneaking off to his house.
I know, I know I’m a naughty girl, but you don’t know what a fantastic lay he is. God he’s got me moaning, screaming and squirting as he makes love to me. Christ bananas, how can I ever live without him?
Anyway, last week we were out walking in the park, just a Saturday romp. And there was a little girl running around holding a large chocolate cone with ice cream and snot trickling down her face. Since she wasn’t looking where she was going, she ran straight into my boss’s leg.
He was wearing his white kakis, the ones he’s proud of, and the little girl had left a large brown stain. A moment of silence hung in the air and I was on edge because I knew my boss could be a remorseless asshole at work, figuring he’d probably scream at the kid, but he surprised me when he laughed, patted the girl’s head and said: “Next time watch where you’re going okay?”
But the girl burst into tears because her ice cream had fallen onto the dirty ground. Her dad had shown up at this point, apologizing for his kid’s behaviour but my boss was like “Oh it’s no trouble, it’s no trouble at all.” And bless his heart, he took us to the ice cream vendor and brought the girl a new cone, smiling at her and being patient and kind, you know all the ways you’re supposed to treat children.
Watching this, a single thought sliced through me like a chainsaw. “My God, my boss will make a fantastic father!”
And that made my heart ache and my cunt throb. God he’s everything! Kind to children, great in the sack, rich, handsome, sexy, and he’s with me.
Oh Jesus. I practically dragged him back home, and when he put on a condom I snarled, seeing that plastic shield as the vilest thing imaginable.
“We’re doing it raw!” I hissed and he just smirked.
Yes, I’m fucking my boss unprotected, knowing this may knock me up. I mean no offence I hate children, can’t stand the snot nosed little brats, or at least I think I did, nowadays I feel so helpless when I see mothers pushing babies in prams and everything.
And the other day I had my period, all that sex had failed to get me pregnant but instead of being relieved, I wept, feeling so utterly miserable.
I don’t want children. But if that’s the case why did I cry my eyes out when I found I wasn’t pregnant?
I need help figuring this all out. I’m so confused.
Oh bless, someone’s ready to become a mother. My dear, children may seem scary but don’t fret, Stepford’s rather wonderful at offering support aimed at the young mom, I’ll be happy to mail you a few leaflets to get you started.
And don’t worry about failing to get knocked up after all that unprotected love, keep at it honey and soon enough you’ll definitely miss your period.
We’ve lost the battle.
Remember our leader, the woman I looked up to? I caught her making out with a man. Not just any man but one revolting dumbass, who got into college courtesy of nepotism.
He wears T-shirts with slogans like “Cool bitch, make me a sandwich” and pretty much wonders around nightclubs with his pecker in one hand and his daddy’s money in the other.
That’s the dude she was making out with. HIM!
I don’t talk to her anymore, but I keep seeing her around campus and it’s alarming how much she’s changed. She’s stopped dying her hair and had her tattoos removed, lost weight but not so much in her boobs or ass. And she’s always draped around the arm of a big strong man, looking so happily submissive.
Pretty much the rest of the girls from the “Fuck Stepford” group are going the same way too. And It’s not just the girls going house-wifey, the boys have gone pretty frat-bro-ish. I mean I use to hang out in the sci-fi club, where we’d talk geeky shit like Star Wars and Doctor Who but then like a slow progressive disease, the boys stopped talking sci-fi and started watching professional wrestling. Must have started going to the gym too, most of them now have biceps thicker than my head and they grunt “Cram it bitch” whenever you complain about their chauvinist behaviour.
Ugh, so anyway, when I attended the weekly meeting the other night, nobody else showed up. Just imagine me sitting there, feeling the sinking horror when it dawned that I was the only one left. I was about to cry when the door open and...
Oh god, it was him, that painfully handsome guy with the bright blue eyes, the dimples and that adorable smile.
Listen I’m not celibate or anything, I’ve fallen in love, I’ve dated and fucked and all, but this felt intense, more intense than anything I’ve felt before.
“Hi,” he said sitting down opposite me “it’s just you and I left, huh?”
I blushed and couldn’t find my voice, like I was a tween having her first major crush.
“So,” asked that devil raising his eyebrow “What do you want to talk about?”
I gulped and muttered something.
“Or what do you want to do?” he winked.
Holy Moly, I couldn’t take it, I was red-faced as I fled from there.
This guy’s pure Stepford, I’ve seen his Facebook profile, goes to Church every Sunday, votes Republican, says how he wants a stay at home wife, so of course he’s everything I hate but why is he so fucking sexy!
Agatha, you’re the enemy and I’m letting you know I’m not giving up just yet. Even if I’m going to run away, I’m not surrendering. Not at all.
Ah should I repeat myself. You’re the only one on campus who isn’t having a good time. Dearie me, wonder why that is.
Fight all you want darling, but soon love will find a way. And if you don’t make a move, that handsome devil of yours may find another woman. Oh, doesn’t that thought get you mad?
Alright, I’ve been researching the history of this town and sure enough there’s a good reason why it doesn’t feel authentic, turns out Stepford of all places was once a hotbed of countercultural activism.
I’ve spent a few days at the library, reading in detail the newspapers, history books, etc and what I’ve learnt is that during the 1950s and 60s Stepford was a pretty progressive place, teenagers smoked dope, held rock festivals and if these photographs are to be trusted, this place put San Francisco to shame over how hippish it was. We’re talking ladies with unshaved armpits, riots with the police. If you were gay, liberal, anarchist, atheist or just anything but a bible thumper then Stepford was a haven for you.
What happened? Did Some conservative movement arise, some preacher or cult showed up? The local newspapers at the time don’t mention anything, just one moment everyone is normal and then BAM! The town’s a Michael Silver illustration come to life. No sign or clue how or why though. Seems like the change was overnight if you can believe that.
Maybe you can fill me in, were you around to witness this social shift? Or know anybody who did? And are you a native of Stepford or did you move here?
Oh goodness, that’s an awful lot to answer. Well I’m not a native born, I was hitchhiking across America when I was younger and gosh, everyone here seemed so friendly and helpful that I decided to stay a spell and before you know it, I’m married with a house to keep. Almost happened without thinking. And since I’m good at giving advice, my husband decided I should write a help column in the local newspaper just to ease the fears of women in our town.
Now as for the social change? Oh honey, it’s just one of those things that happened. Reason why it wasn’t reported was that everybody accepted it without noticing it. I’m only guessing because Stepford was already a haven when I showed up.